Clearly, you’ve thought to yourself: “I’ve lost my identity after being a mom.” When you have kids and are focused on them, it’s easy to abandon yourself without realizing it, then not know how to get back to the old you. Self-care plays a role, yes, but there are other things that will help you feel more like you, even while raising babies.
I was riding along in the car the other day listening to the radio when a song came on from high school.
A song I knew every word to.
I didn’t particularly love this song, but it got me thinking. You know… I used to like music.
I used to know the names of up and coming bands. I bought CDs before they were cool and I loved listening to music.
I went to concerts.
I danced with friends and strangers.
I had a social life.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
In that moment it became clear to me that, along with music, I’ve let go of many other habits and things I used to enjoy. I eat out less. I travel less. I see my friends less.
I’ve seen two movies in the theater in the past year, and both have been cartoons.
It isn’t that I don’t love being a mother. I really really do. But I’m still living in the transition from who I used to be, to who I am now.
So many parts about my life have changed, and I’m struggling to catch up with myself.
Read: Enjoy Being A Mother Again With These Stress Relieving Mindsets
What's in this post...
You remember the days…
You watched what you wanted to watch. You ate when you wanted to eat and at the temperature you wanted to eat it.
You slept when you felt tired and stayed up if you didn’t. You know… you were in control of your own life.
Though you’re still in control of your own life now, things are different. Your desires, motivations, and spontaneous urges don’t factor into your decision making as much as they used to.
Now, you consider your children’s needs equal to or above your own in the day to day.
This is good and fine and right.
But it’s still a shock to the system.
It still takes getting used to.
Read: 5 Signs You Might Be A Depressed Mom — And How To Start Feeling Better and Unusual Mom Burnout Symptoms That Are Quite Common
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Reasons moms lose their identity
I want to mention here (before you send me hate mail) that these things in themselves are not bad.
They are morally neutral.
It isn’t that you’re wrong if you do them, just that their effects can have an unanticipated effect on you.
Read: The Ultimate Guide To Having A Mother’s Helper You’ll Love
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn More1. Moms lose their identity because their lives revolve around their kids
This is perplexing because – hello – when we have kids our days do revolve around them.
However, there’s a difference in your daily routine revolving around the kids and the entire meaning of your life revolving around them. You can still be on duty 24/7 and be involved in other things.
Adult bible studies, girls nights, charity work, or service projects with your kids will take you from your four walls home bubble to a more well-rounded perspective.
I struggle with this as a mom to many young ones who also writes about raising young ones.
I have to seek out other things or I get tunnel vision.
Read: How To Live Within Your Limits And Hold Your Boundaries
2. Moms lose their identity because they stop caring about how they look
I used to take pleasure choosing an outfit, doing my hair, and accessorizing each morning.
I liked it.
Now I’m lucky if I bother to cover my hair in a cap and find matching exercise tops and bottoms. Some days I do, some days I don’t.
This is a non-issue for me because I know it’ll change with time, however…
It does cause me to feel that I’m not the “woman” I used to be. I don’t look as put together or attractive as I once did. I look at women with one or two children or all in school and think…
“Wow… her nails match her outfit…” I’m not crying on my pillow about it, but it does make a difference.
Read: Words Every Emotionally Exhausted Mother Needs To Hear
Trying to work through some mindsets that hold you back? These cards will help you get focus on the right things.
Learn More3. Moms lose their identity because they have to slow down (even though they feel more busy)
This is a big one for many women.
They are used to be so involved in many things that becoming a mother can be difficult. I did a survey once and the #1 challenge mothers mentioned was loneliness.
They felt isolated, alone, and bored at home when their babies were small.
Having children can be a big change for your personality and temperament. This life change can make you feel like a different person.
Perhaps you aren’t the life of the party or don’t see your friends very often.
While this in itself might not bother you, it will still affect how you see yourself.
Read: The Real Reason Moms Never Have Enough Time (Hint: It’s Not Because They Waste It!)
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
4. Moms lose their identity because their identity revolved around their job.
Some girls dreamed of becoming a mom since childhood. These moms may find the transition to motherhood easier. Others find it more difficult.
Moms who have given up a fulfilling career to come home may have symptoms akin to shock.
Even if it’s your choice to stay at home (and you don’t regret it), it’s a big change to lose the validation and satisfaction of a job well done.
Especially a job with measurable results. The job may not feel as important, and it definitely doesn’t pay as well.
But be encouraged, as the wise lady at my corner store says,”Motherhood is unpaid, yet still highly rewarding.”
Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn More5. Moms lose their identity because they’ve lost freedom they once had.
This was a big one for me.
As an only child (birth order does matters) who had traveled extensively, not being able to do “whatever I wanted when I wanted” has been an ongoing struggle.
I have been happy to make choices that benefit my entire family, but it has changed the way my life looks in every way. Very little going out, staying up late, or socializing.
Of course, I can still do these things with kids, but life has shifted and it’s been disconcerting.
Read: Cocooning a Newborn & 7 Reasons Why it Can Be Good For The Family
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
6. Moms lose their identity because they don’t get enough sleep.
Prioritizing sleep is a must.
If a mother and baby are sleep-deprived and overtired, moods become erratic. Emotions remain just under the surface. While the newborn period may be tough to survive, after that things should get easier.
You can encourage your babies to sleep longer and you can even take power naps yourself. Even if you have to hire help or trade babysitting to take a long nap, it is worth it.
In fact, the number one thing that decreases stress is rest.
Yes, we’ll probably all sleep with one ear open forever now that we have others to watch over, but that doesn’t mean we need to turn into Mombies.
Read: Everything You Needed To Know About Sleep
Trying to work through some mindsets that hold you back? These cards will help you get focus on the right things.
Learn MoreHow moms can find their identity again
This isn’t hard or fast, but here are some general ways you can try to stay connected to who you are, not just your role.
- Find new ways to connect with friends | Instead of regular nights out or coffee dates, have playdates or monthly book clubs. Instead of restaurants and movies try the park or a local playground.
- Have a hobby | Here are 60+ hobbies good for the sahm lifestyle, but try to find a hobby you used to love and make time for it. Even if it’s something more active like hiking, try to fit it in even once a quarter. You may think it’s impossible, but if you work hard to make it happen, it will.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
- Stop comparing | This is the “secret” to being content in each season. Even so, it’s hard not to look back and forward when times are tough. By focusing on the things that are fleeting now (chubby baby thighs) you’ll be less likely to be jealous of old times.
- Get help | Whether you need to hire someone, trade babysitting, beg family members, or just go to playgroups with helpers… do what you need to do. If you are a weary and overwhelmed mom, the effects will build up.
- Take care of yourself | Put the baby or toddler in the crib and take a shower. If you loved clothes, get dressed up. If you liked having nice hair, do your hair. Don’t neglect the things that used to bring you pride and pleasure, even if no one sees them but the baby, you’ll feel better.
Read: My “Daily Escape” to a Quiet Place & Why It’s Necessary
You will never have a life like you did pre-motherhood, and that’s okay.
But you can slowly start to find yourself again.
Your identity isn’t lost, it’s just buried under diapers and onesies.
Read: True or False: If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Frequently Asked Questions:
How can I ensure that my relationship with my partner remains strong amid the challenges of motherhood?
This is part of our lives that motherhood changes, too. But it can be for the better when we prioritize communication (share feelings, concerns, and joys with each other regularly by making time for meaningful conversations), have realistic expectations (understand that your roles and priorities have changed with parenthood and set realistic expectations for each other’s contributions and be flexible as you adapt), and schedule couple time (plan regular date nights or couple activities to spend quality time together– even short moments of connection can make a significant difference).
How can I redefine success for myself after becoming a mom?
Redefining success as a mom involves embracing the richness of your new identity while staying connected to your personal aspirations. By recognizing the value of both your role as a mother and your individual journey, you can create a fulfilling and balanced sense of success that aligns with your authentic self.
What are some strategies to prioritize self-care and personal time?
Prioritizing self-care isn’t selfish—it’s an investment in your well-being that ultimately benefits your family as well. By making self-care a priority, you’ll be better equipped to handle the demands of motherhood with a greater sense of balance and fulfillment.
With that being said: Schedule it (whatever time works best) and start small, with activities that don’t require a significant time commitment. As you establish the habit, you can gradually expand your self-care routine). Prioritize activities that you enjoy and set boundaries to minimize interruptions. You’ve got this, mama!
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn More::
This was a very good article! I didn’t lose myself after I became a mom, but after a car accident. But I went through the same things, and I am recovering with some of the tips you mentioned too. Honestly, the biggest help was getting help. I think that was the smartest thing I finally did. If it had not been for seeking help and finding a hobby, I think I would have had an epic break down by now.
Lazina, I will say that getting help has most definitely made things easier on myself as well!
I can’t get help with no money and no-one to physically help that actually follows through sorry to rant but not everyone Is lucky enough to have that option.
True that, i feel you. And i do t want to go get help last time i did they filled me with antidepressants and other sort of pills to cover the issue. And the “ help” is expensive
Amen
I feel the same I think we need something more as mothers opportunities as we deserve them to .The right help and support. We suppose to have a group of mothers that we can go out do some activities or something build each other up.Isn’t easy I feel you also pills and medicine isn’t an option is very stupid that doesn’t resolve problems.
I feel sometimes I am very used as I don’t work but I feel so angry and upset about it can’t help it .I want to do better I love my both kids don’t get me wrong but things could change I believe with a right support and resources. Loosing identity is not a nice thing to be in .
I see you. Me too. I became disabled bc of the brain and spine injury.. Then realized my husband had not a shred of empathy and I’d married a man who confirmed my sense of worthlessness my abusive parents gifted me. He divorced me – filing 2 months before spine surgery and his family cut me off… he was viewed as the victim – surreal. Cognative behavior therapy taught me the danger in identifying self worth as being a good mama or identifying your purpose as the work a person does. Pursuit of joy in life – and here is where hobbies can lead to passions and a person can “flip the script” (with constant effort, living in pain 24/7 and parenting a teen with a dad who maligns and mocks me… (alienation)… music has been my pursuit. Who knew? I can sing? And play drums? Learn piano & guitar?! Writing music!? And I’m 53 now. We must remember when we smile at someone, that is a gift too ♥️
Hello lovely lady! Chrissy recommended your blog and now I can’t stop reading it. Fantastic writing for anyone already a mum or wanting to become a mummy :) you write so well and you’ve got me hooked with your wonderful advice xx
Oh wow, thank you so much :)
Love this article, sometimes I think I’m losing my mind and I only have one child, a 7 year old. I need balance in my life..Help
Hi there,
I find very reassuring reading your comments and suggestions. I am a working mom feeling lost and guilty…I have always wanted to have kids, have a perfect home and be the “boss” of it. Instead what life brings…I have two wonderfull kids, age 2 and 4 and I have a good and demanding job… I have to work everyday and my husband has a part time job. He is the one having breakfast with the kids, having lunch. I am the one returning at 5 and try to do everything. Play and bond, housekeeping, dinner, lunchboxes etc..
Any advice for a working mum who wished she was just a GOOD mum???
I think you ARE a good mom, you jus thave to believe it!
You are a good Mom. I stay home full time with almost 2 and almost 4 year old and I don’t think it was the right thing to do but I live them and I felt I had to stop working and stay home. The main thing is mindfulness and being present and conscious with your kids when you are with them. If you can afford a cleaning lady even 1x per week the definitely do it or get rid of half of literally everything. .. that helps. Whether home or working. .. we work so damn hard!
Thanks for this! Yes before kids my job was my identity! I have had to and still am discovering myself again! Taking care of myself, that 5 minute make up time and getting dressed really does help feel like me again!
Glad to see I’m not totally insane. I haven’t thought about what I want or really do anything for myself in a long time. My oldest is nearly 18 and my 2 youngest are 13! I have never been on a vacation without the kids. Not even a honey moon. I’m usually so unselfish and giving but … These last few months have been rough. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I feel lost and DEFINITELY alone. I recently started going to therapy because I’m always stressed. Its been almost 18 years of everyone but me and I think I’m ready. For me. Does that sound stupid? I have to find the new me I guess.
It does not sound even the least bit stupid. In fact, it sounds wise.
I am in the same boat, Oldest is 18, heading to college, middle is 14 and youngest 12. I feel so lost these days, I know loads of moms with a side hustle or hobbies or volunteering like crazy, and I try really hard not to compare myself to them. Recently my husband said he wishes we had more money, and honestly he works too hard, he is a good dad and outshines me at parenting these days. So do I try to find a career at the ripe old age of 42? Do I complete what I started out with my oldest doing (trying to be the best SAHM possible)? I finished college, but with a general arts diploma, worked for a temp agency for a few years, then once we were married 3 years I gave up on working outside the home. 3 moves and 2 kids later I have forgotten that girl I once was and can’t seem to find a way forward. I love my boys, I Just want there to be something for me and my husband when they all fly the nest.
I am in a similar situation as my 18 year old heads off to college and my 16 year old is quite independent now. I struggled with my identity after my kids were born and now again wondering who I was who I am… this time in my fifties and lack the energy and motivation to start something new. I really loved being a stay at home mom, that was my purpose, sad that that phase is over and grieving. Onto the next phase, I guess… just as it was not easy to transition to motherhood… I’m sure it will take some time to figure out who this new person is at this stage in my life.
Interesting article, I find that it reflects the fact that nowadays women are definitely more selfish and vain than our grandmothers were. Forgetting yourself isn’t “morally neutral” it’s GOOD and necesary.You can be selfish and an okay mom, but putting your own needs and wants aside once and for all is a must to be a really good mother.There is nothing wrong with realising that children ARE the meaning of life, motherhood is women’s sacred mission in this world.When done right, mothering is a beautiful and selfless task.
Once you become a mother, you don’t have to bother looking for your identity, being a mother IS your identity.Nobody cares if you look pretty or have hobbies (yes not even you husband trust me), how you act with your children and how loving you are with them is what defines you as a person (once again even for your husband,he expects you to mother his children not be a bimbo). So next time you think about going outside to do shopping try staying home with the children instead (NOBODY can take care of them as good as you can, and nobody should have to try .It’s YOUR responsability to be there for them and nobody else’s.Moral duties come with giving birth to children but some women tend to forget it.).Next time find yourself in front of your mirror put down the damn hair brush or mascara and head to the kitchen to prepare your kids a healthy meal.
I have three sons and I live in our time. The only difference between you ladies who agree with this article and I is that I have accepted that motherhood impies losing yourself to quite a big extent.It’s to be expected and it’s normal.I am a mother, that’s who I am.As long as I have my children I can never be truly lost.
What happens when they move out and you have then “lost” yourself because they’re gone? I agree we must sacrifice many things and we need to prioritize those who God has given us that cannot take care of ourselves. But I think completely ignoring yourself to focus on them actually teaches them selfishness and entitlement, does it not?
It absolutely teaches them entitlement. By the time you are a teenager there is nothing worse than a parent that’s all up in your business with no life of their own. Kids need a role model who can show them empathy compassion understanding but also independent thought, confidence and most of all how to go out and function in the world, how to navigate it’s nuanced and complex vistas. If you loose your place in the world then you loose the ability to teach these things. Being a mother is a part of who you are but there’s no need to be a complete martyr to it and fall on swords every day in the name of your kids. Chances are they won’t thank you for it anyway. We are all individuals, even our kids. Parents who give up al of themselves to be a parent only run the risk of becoming controlling and suffocating.
This has to be satire.
Sorry Lady… but I’m not a vessel for my children, I’m rather their role model. Just because I became a mother does not mean I’m defined by motherhood– that is simply a role I play in my life along with other roles such as being an artist, being a partner.
If I let motherhood define my entire existence, I would be a shell of a person. That is not only fair to my children and partner, but that’s not fair to me.
I would like to see you tell fathers that being a provider should define them, and they should live only to provide for their families. I bet you’d have a few dads who like to go fishing in the weekend (to regain their sense of self) tell you to get f***ed… and rightly so.
Wow. Super classy response there.
It does NOT teach them they are entitled. But aren’t they? Aren’t they entitled to your full attention and parenting? I have not found that being a devoted stay at home mom has made my kids self centered. But they ARE secure in themselves and compassionate. And I believe they are MORE independent than their friends with working parents, honestly. And FAR less behavioral issues overall. My teens need me just as much as my preschooler.
Right… I bet you many mothers prior to the invent of the Internet will say the EXACT same thing the OP said but did not have a open *anonymous* platform to say it. You will be shocked out of this world how many had think the sane way thinking but of course, things were ALWAYS better in the past.
I’d told my own mother, who spent more focus on me and my siblings then taking care of her own self that, at the time, it was OKAY to have a few dates nights with my father or TIME to herself that did not involve sleeping. We would not felt bad if she done it. Now she understand after raising five children of her own. Im a mother myself and not going to apologize giving myself self care. I had a identity before my child and I try my best not to lose it. Do I go out as often before becoming a mother, no but make sure I do not lose myself in the process. Its better for everyone involve.
What will happen when your sons date/ marry somebody and have a little family of their own? They wont be able to give their all to you and as a matter of fact, that happens once they become teens and trying to gain independence. It is impossible to give all yourself to a person,including a partner. Someone will be neglected and you know who will it be…
My oldest is now 11 and I realized I have neglected my health. This could have an impact on the rest of my life. If we don’t take care of ourselves now we could be a greater burden on our kids when they are older. Is that we want for their future?
Oh wow, I wonder if fathers have to loose their identity and their freedom to become good fathers too…. ;) but we all have different opinions and that is all right
Right, actually yes they should. What about the idea that this is a season of life, not eternity? There is certainly a time when both mothers and fathers really need to give up a good portion of themselves to be a truly in the moment parent. Then as kids become more and more independent, so do we moms and dads again. Life is not stagnant. I do not regret giving up almost everything to be with them. And now I am enjoying rediscovering some of the things I used to enjoy and some new things too as they gain their independence and own identities. It’s about balance.
Best said🤗
I actually agree with Anne, this is how I feel. My baby is just 1 year old and I am confident I’ll have time to return to my hobbies and career whenever he needs me less, but my absolute full-time priority is being a loving mother to him, all day long. I love being a mom and am happy to be defined by it.
I just found this blog and I so need it. I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I find myself daydreaming about my former life (no husband or kids). I just want to be alone. I don’t even care about having the hubs around (who I love dearly), I just want to be by myself. Engaging in the projects I used to do and having a social life. See for us it’s a little different. My husband owns a restaurant so we never see him. Maybe 3-4 days a month. He leaves for work at 8 and gets home, well, whenever they don’t need him anymore which depends on if they’re busy or not.
So in that respect I get N.O. Time for myself. Ever. I haven’t been the best mom as of recent because I’m so freaking sick of being one. It sounds horrible but that’s the truth. I love my amazing kids but I’m so tired. Babysitters are like $10 an hour so we can’t afford one…(FYI. If you’re interested in opening a restaurant…don’t. You work 80+ hours week and make no money) I have no friends near me. The few close friends I had prior to kids are either kidless or live closer to where I used to work which is an inconvenient distance to grab coffee, etc. I know it’s just a season in our lives and I’ll make it through but it’s just so depressing.
Sorry for letting loose here but it’s nice to find a community that understands.
Looking forward to reading more.
Thanks!
Oh girl, you are in the weeds… I am so sorry to hear that you don’t have any support and are alone so much of the time. I know this is HARD!
Awww I feel the same :((
I feel you! My 14 month old doesn’t sleep thru the night EVER and I don’t get much help from hubby. Today all family sick w Stomach bug but mom can’t rest she has to care for everyone. Baby slept awhile and I was able to sit and drink some chicken broth. Just sitting there no noise and taking one sip at a time felt like a real luxury. I really enjoyed it. The broth felt very healing. Sending you love!
It was so nice to find this article. Almost made me cry, I’ve been a mom For just 15 months and there is another coming. I love my family but lately I feel so tired that I can’t keep up. I told my husband how hard it was for me and he told me that “hard” is to be worried about not having enough money to pay the rent or to need to work because we can’t afford life.. I totally understand that we are privileged in that sense and I’m grateful about it. But that really made me feel as if my feelings were not real or important. And that made me think …where the #&* am I ??? I feel so lonely. No family around, trying to make friends. Reading this gave me ideas and the sense that I’m not crazy.
You are not crazy at all and being a mom is seriously the hardest job.
Be happy you’re married. What’s tiring is being a single mom and having ALL the responsibilities you and your husband share, to take care of on your own. You sound spoiled and privileged.
It’s not a competition. Yeah, that’s an additional struggle that she’s not currently facing. But you don’t know everything about her life either. She’s just expressing her feelings about one aspect of life that she’s currently dealing with. That’s valid on its own, and it’s irrelevant whether it’s better or worse than what anyone else is going through. Not everything is about you, and no one wins a trophy for having the “realest” problems. You can still share your own struggles while being supportive instead of bringing other people down in the process. You’re clearly going through something, so I hope you’ve got better support out there somewhere than what you just gave here.
I came across this article as I was googling ‘what to do with myself now that my kids are getting older’. I do not want to get into any kind of argument I see what the one reader is saying about devoting ourselves to our kids. I agree that they are our number one priority, we brought them into this world and being a mother is our greatest accomplishment as well as our biggest priority. However in the beginning of what I feel like is a mid life crisis or funk whatever you call it!!, my point is I am feeling a little lost as one daughter left for college and my second not far behind. I just wonder what I am going to do with myself now that I am no longer completely defined as mom. Don’t get me wrong I know they still need me and will always need me but it is not the same as when they are little. I am left with a lot more time and I feel lost. I did devote my life to my kids, I was a stay at home mom and my world revolved around them. I have no regrets but I do feel like I lost my identity. So my best advice is to love them and do all that you can to care for them, as in embrace every moment, it goes by so quickly and they will be leaving home before you know it, you will then be alone, so take the time now to be sure not to lose yourself. Yes be the Mom but don’t lose you, the women you are whom is not defined as mom or wife. Try to do something you enjoy sometimes, a hobby, anything… Just so that you don’t lose yourself and end up feeling lost when they leave.
I don’t know how old these comments are, but I feel exactly the same way. I have 5 kids, with my eldest being 25 and my youngest just turning 13. I have been a SAHM for 25 years and I have loved every second of it. But now it’s the first time that I don’t have “little kids” and I feel lost. I would love to talk to someone that understands how I’m feeling.
So glad I found this website. As I sit here on another Saturday night watching tv in maternity pants and a tee I realized I have no life except for what goes on at work and my little 8 month old daughter. Thankfully i’m not alone, your article really gave me advice and a starting point. Looking forward to visiting your site more often. THANK YOU for the advice and outlet.
In my situation, my child is 10 but we have an animal sanctuary that keeps me at home and even just being married in general keeps me from having the identity that I crave. I’m so happy to see that I’m not alone though.
One thing that helped was to recently go back to using my maiden name for a public FB page. Something that is mine alone. ;-)
I’m so glad I found your site. You were speaking to me. Motherhood came easily to me but I had always wanted to have a corporate career because of my academic line. Sometimes, I felt I studied for nothing and compare myself with my friend in the corporate environment. After my third child, I started loving myself again and taking care of myself. Now I feel good and look good. I want to be the best version of myself.
Your blog is saving my life and my sanity. I stumbled on it when I found the article about 2 year old molars and the symptoms around them. I have since been reading many other articles and I feel like somehow you can look into my soul and see everything about me….I didn’t think anyone else thought the same way I do and felt the same way, it was such a relief! I thought I was literally losing my mind and one day would need to be taken away in a straight jacket. I have cried reading so many of your articles just feeling relief coming out of me in the tears. I have already implemented many of your suggestions and things have improved dramatically. I look forward to reading and doing more. Thank you!
Lynn, thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to comment and let me know you’ve found some encouragement. You are not alone, girl, and if you did have to be taken away in a straight jacket you’d find about 1,562,326 mamas right there beside you!
Great article. But it’s not just stay at home moms that can lose their identity. It can happen to working moms too. As a working mom I felt like I no longer ‘owned’ any minute of my days. I think getting a hobby of blogging at night when everyone was in bed really helped me. I could write about whatever I wanted and could feel a little more seen as a person. I hope it has helped you too! @momminbyseatofpants @shebloomz
I think I am a horrible mom, it makes me so sad when I can’t control my anger and yell at them. They are just babies but with a 3 yr old and 4 yr old and being pregnant with my third. I feel so frustrated as there is so much to do and I just get it all done. I have been a stay at home with new country no family or friend. Low self esteem, no driving license and a forever working husband with no help at home or a word of appreciation.
I want my gurls to smile and I make them cry I try to play with them but they end up arguing and then I end up screaming to stop them over there screaming.
I need help, I can’t get help from friends or family and my husband won’t pay to hire when I am a stay home mom. I go out only a day for couple hrs grocery then stuck in the house. I luv my daughters but it gets over whelming to just be a monther 24/7 not even a tv time or a relaxation conversation.
I feel guilty to want just a breatable day to look out the window and see the sun shine and drink a cup of tea.
I don’t want to feel the need of a break but I don’t know what to do ! They both don’t sleep through the night and being preg them and the pregnancy I hardly get couple hrs of shut eye :( I am so lost with out a friend :( or a shoulder to say it will be ok just hang in there :((
It WILL be ok, Hana! You are so strong! You’ve come to a new country and raised two children almost on your own for four years already! They’ll be old enough for school soon too, which will be a huge help. The foundation you’re building for them now as a mom who plays with them and wants them to learn how to treat each other is going to serve them well the rest of their lives.
I think the most impactful moments in my childhood were when my mom got mad and then showed me she still loved me after – or even apologized for losing her temper. They know you love them, they know you’re human.
You are not alone. Look at all of us that are right there with you in these comments! Just remember this is a season, and EVERY season ends eventually. Praying for you, Hana, sending you lots and lots of love!
I know I’ll never be the same person I used to be, but how can I find my new identity? I already craft, I’ve never been interested in getting dolled up every day, we have no family or friends nearby and we can’t afford child care. My relationship with my spouse has suffered since becoming a mom and my relationship with myself is non-existent. I have no idea who I am or how to start finding out who I am as this new person. I’m drowning. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
I feel the same way Amy! Any luck lately? I’ve been researching how to find myself or whatever now that I’m 29 weeks pregnant and I have a three year old. I’m a SAHM and in my free time at night I’m just too tired to do anything other than watch TV or surf the web :( I used to paint, I used to read, I used to play video games and VR. None of that sounds appealing to me anymore and I make excuses to not do it. And I don’t know what u can do during the day when she just needs me to be involved all day with her. I love being a mom but I miss being myself, too.
Sounds like you are fully into this season of life where all the things you used to do just don’t hold any appeal anymore? Like you sense that it’s time to find new things or maybe even just buckle down and get through this time. You totally miss yourself and feeling like your own person. You’d not trade motherhood, but it feels ALL CONSUMING, right?
I thought this post was really insightful in not only acknowledging how moms feel but also WHY we have a tendency to feel that way. As well as sharing constructive things to help. As a mom (and stepmom) of 4 kids total, I know the struggle all too well of trying to fit in time for self care. But I have definitely found that I’m more content and actually do a better job as a mom when I take time to catch up with friends, read something, or do my hair and makeup (although my nails have taken a loss haha.)
So I’ve only been a mom for 9 months. And my daughter is an amazing kid already! She’s been quite the “easy” temperament kind of child.
But man am I struggling. ESPECIALLY with the loss of freedom! I am a legally blind stay at home mom, living in a house with no sidewalks, no parks within walking distance even though it’s only a 6 minute drive, and buses don’t run on my “mountain.” I am able to get out of the house if I am quick enough to get everything together before one of my parents or husband leaves for work, and they can drop me off at the trolley stop down our street, but…..other than that I am literally stuck at home.
I know many of you are in the same boat with only having one car, and I feel for you! But I must be in a very hard place if all I got from this article was this:
You will never have a life like you did pre-motherhood, and that’s okay.
No, it’s not ok. I want my pre-motherhood life back. As much as I can get without sacrificing time with my kid.
Just ONE evening or ONE day to MYSELF would be amazing. ;-;
Why is something that society tells you is supposed to be so amazingly wonderful….like, oftentimes not?
I just need some encouragement from you veteran moms out there. Does it….get better?
And babies awake……?
It absolutely does get better. But not anytime soon. So I think the best advice would be to delve into the moment. There will be time later. It does help if you can get a few hours here and there to yourself. But for now, your baby is very young and demands a lot. That’s a lot for us moms to get used to. I used to feel the same way. Now my two (I have 5) are teens and it’s hard watching them grow independent from me. But I use the extra time to reconnect with myself.
I meant to say my two oldest.
Definetly lost myself after becoming a mother. My baby is going on 15 months now and im finally starting to get back to who I was before he came into the world. I dont have the desire to be the woman who went to the club stayed out til the sun came uP anymore I’m now back to the things i love on top of loving him. I realize i dont have to forget what makes me happy but make room for his happiness too!! GREAT BLOG POST!!! you really speak for alot of moms who are struggling to find their way.
i love that i came by your site, i have lost myself and feel so ashamed trying to find tips and tricks of other mamas who found themselves again. I’ve had depression, and don’t even bother looking in the mirror anymore. I’ve snapped out of it and realized i need to be OK in order for my 4 kids to be okay! It’s tough!!!
It is SO HARD, but you can do it, Cassie. You can pay attention to yourself and what you want and need and it WILL be good for the kids!
Sorry this article means well but who has the time for hobbies? What if u have no support system? None close by anyway. My mother lives 45 min away so I can’t just drop the kids off to go have coffee. I can’t even do chores around the house or cook without having my twin toddlers screaming and tugging at my pant legs bc they want me to play with them or hold them. I can’t take them anywhere bc I could risk double meltdowns and any point. Husband works 7 days a week and twelve hours days 6 out of those 7 days. It’s hard to find sitters willing to take care of twin toddlers without charging $30 an hour. My friends don’t have small children anymore and none want to put up with the tantrums. I don’t blame them. These suggestions sound great but you have to a huge support system to be able to do these things.
You know, you are totally right. It is basically impossible to get anything done when all the responsibilities of kids are on you and you are alone and, over time, feel weary from it all. I can see how feeling that over a longer period of time really just really sucks! And a small hobby outside the home won’t help that feeling anyway so you are right about that. I hope taht, as time progresses, and kids age, that you are able to care for yourself in whatever way fits you best. And that others show up in your life who can (and are happy to!) support you.
I relate completely. I have 3-year-old twins. It has been much harder than having one child at a time. Like you, I haven’t had any family or friends to help nor any money to hire help. For the first few years I just had to keep my life extremely narrow. Almost everything I tried to do besides take care of them was an exercise in frustration. Even going out for a walk in the stroller was crazy-making because they cried and tried to climb out of the stroller (excellent escape artists!). Trying to cook while holding two babies or supervising two devious toddlers was near impossible. We just ate very simple foods–cottage cheese & apples, that sort of thing. It’s been getting a lot better recently. At age 2 yrs 8 mos they finally both slept through the night consistently. And now that they are 3 they have become great playmates with one another. One of my sanity savers has been having “safe spaces” where they can play safely. I’m almost always in the “safe space” with them, but at least that way I can read or talk on the phone or work on bills while I’m supervising them. When they were babies I used one of those huge playyards (5′ x 6′) that I ordered on amazon. Now I use a bedroom as a child-proofed playroom for them. We spend much of every day in here, and, because it’s safe, I can be a little distracted with my own work or exercise or activities as long as I’m in the room with them, because it’s a safe room. When they were younger, reading was my only way to feel connected to the adult world and to a world beyond diapers & babies. I read A LOT of books their first two years (when they were nursing or when I was in the playyard with them). It saved my sanity and prevented depression, I believe. Also, I think it saved my sanity to consciously accept that for a few years I wasn’t going to have much of an individual life or identity. I had to “re-accept” that every few months. I knew I wanted to give my twins the best life start possible, and to do that I had to temporarily put most of my personal talents and hobbies on hold. Now that they’re getting older, I’ve been able to re-integrate more and more things that I personally enjoy. I have much more of a personal life and identity again. But I miss their angelic innocence of babyhood and the sweetness of the nursing relationship when they were little. Each phase has its beauties and its challenges.
Thank you so much for such an insightful article! Well written and gave me a ray of light from a flashlight on my own life, ideas how to conduct it a little bit better as a first-time mom. Hugs and many thanks!
Ari, I am sure that you are doing the absolute best you can and am so glad to be part of the journey that helps get you where you want to go!
Great article but can I suggest replacing “Moms” with “Parents”? Dad’s go through the same thing. I find it very disturbing that our world is geared to mothers being the primary carers, this notion has got to change! Do you know how uncomfortable it is as a Dad going to a change room that says “Mothers room”? we got our local plazas changed to “Parents rooms” after a woman lashed out at a father for coming into one of them. Also going to “Mothers clubs” it was so awkward that we left. All i’m saying is that we all go through the same thing, Dads as well!
As a stay at home Father, im here in the same boat. I find it very grating that most articles are about “Mom’s” like only Mothers are parents… perhaps reword this article to “Parent’s”? Dad’s really do feel this pain of losing their identity as well, especially if there is no mother involved. ;)
Hi Jayden, well I am a mother and write to moms which is why I word it like this. But, you are OF COURSE, very right that many of the issues I write about are very relevant to dads as well :)
I came here to make the exact same comment!! We need to change the language!!
Honestly I wish people would stop just saying. Get help. Like I don’t want to get help from some random whose gonna say I’m a bad mom that needs drugs. Why is it always us being told to be weak and vulnerable and rely on others. Personally I just don’t want to be a mom. Where can I get info for that?
Personally, you ARE being a bad mom if you don’t want to be a mom. Probably the very definition of that term actually. And you sound like you absolutely need help.
You poor thing. You are not a bad mom because you don’t enjoy it. How were you supposed to know it would be like this? Don’t let others shame you into telling you what is the right way to feel. If you properly care for your children, you are entitled to have your own feelings and feel ok asking for help. I am sorry if others make you feel less than.
This is a great article. I find it challenging to “regain” my identity, especially since having kids slightly later in life. This adds an element of dealing with midlife/aging in addition to the highs and lows of new motherhood. It’s really a double whammy. All of the points mentioned are so true…especially self care. Here’s to guilt free motherhood and letting life be somewhat imperfect while we navigate. Maybe our identities will never be exactly the same…and even without kids they wouldn’t be as we age, etc. I like to think of it as an enrichment of our former identity. Great article – thanks!
Love this! Great way to think of it.
We need to please change the language from “mom” to “parent”! It’s so strange that we STILL live in this world where only mums are parents to their children! As a stay-at-home Dad, it really sickens me that we still haven’t addressed this issue in 2022! Have you ever tried changing your kids nappy in a “mums room”?? The looks I used to get!! Honestly!! We actually got a few “mums room” places changed to read “parents room”.
I am a woman and write to mothers, not fathers. That’s why I use mother, not parent.
This is great. I have a three month old and sleep deprivation can be hard. I was a international flight attendant and now i never leave home. Its been a big adjustment. I am learning some self care. Some times i have a nap when the baby naps instead of cleaning or cooking. I know i will feel more positive if i can get some sleep and those chores will be there when i wake up anyway. I now have a morning routine. I have worked out what makes me feel pretty and cut down my beautify routine just to what makes me feel ok. Moisturiser, foundation, eyebrow pencil. I no longer do eye make up as it takes too long. But i feel ok with my 5 min routine and better for it. I wash my hair even if i can hear the baby start crying when i am in the shower as i feel depressed if i dont wash my hair. I use to wash it every day but now 3 times a week is just fine and makes me feel like me. I choose out clothes that make me feel happy and are comfortable. I have started inviting friends over. Yes i dont make them home made cookies and buy them instead, and yes my girlfriends have a glass of wine while i drink herbal tea as i am breastfeeding , but i have needed to find ways to see my friends while dealing with a baby with reflux and colic. I ask my husband to look after her while i get my hair colored and i even got a manicure and pedicure while my husband was on baby duty. My husband look at me differently when i care for myself. No one will thank us for walking around overweight, greasy hair in fat pants. I have been putting her into the baby carrier on me and going for a hour walk. I feel so much better for the exercise. I still struggle with my identity and days i feel lost and down but i am trying my best to find the new version of me and what makes me feel myself and happy.
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I’m searching the Internet for something relatable but it seems the entire World Wide Web assumes that moms stop working when they have kids. Why!? I work full time but have the same feelings of loneliness and worthlessness, it has nothing to do with your choice to quit working and stay home. I’ll keep searching, but either all the working moms have given up or were all too busy to post blogs about it. Would just be nice to read something that didn’t assume I stay home with my son all day.
I’m not a mother. Instead, I’m the daughter of a burnt out mother, who had partially lost herself a while ago. We live with our grandparents, who both have dementia, and all my mom does all day is sleep and take care of her parents. Sometimes she cleans, but it’s really hard for her to find motivation to do so. She really enjoys cleaning and organizing. I try my best to help her out with the daily chores, like laundry, dishes, meals, looking after everyone. She lost an arm in a motorcycle accident years ago, so it’s a bit hard for her to complete chores anyway. Usually, she can pull herself out of burnout. But it’s coming to the point where I don’t know if she’s going to pull herself out again. I really want to help her, but the only “hobby” she has is drinking. That obviously leads to a lot of other health problems that make her tired. She wants to scrapbook, but can’t find any time to.
Not only that, but my grandpa is a pain in the butt for all of us. Nobody in our house has a job (I’m only in 10th grade, and we live off disability money.), and my grandpa spends all our money on useless things like a wetsuit, when we have a pool heater. So I can’t take my mom out to any expensive restaurants or to Disneyland. She was just kicked out of college for the fifth time, because we have no money to pay for it. This was her last year, she had only one month left before graduation. This was the breaking point for her. She’s been less and less motivated to do anything since.
I don’t know how to help her. Should I start waking her up earlier and encouraging her to organize some things with me? Should we brainstorm ways to keep the house cleaner? Should we set up a scrapbooking table together?
Very nice to read that other women are riding the Struggle bus too. I am a mother of 3. Just turned 40…over the hill and off the pill. Lol
I loved my life before, then new life as a young mother. I enjoyed the alone time with the kids and didn’t take for granted how quickly they learned and grew! But now that my oldest is 13 and went to his first school dance, I was faced with a feeling that I had never known.
I am so involved in parenting that I didn’t know what to do with myself for 2 hours. This is what I wanted (or what I kept telling myself). ” I just want ME time” Om_goodness…I feel like in that moment I lost who I was, what I was, and am questioning where will I be?