Many women a mother arrive on my blog because they googled “I’ve lost my identity after being a mom.” It can happen, here are some of the major causes of a stay-at-home-mom identity crisis. And a must read if you ask yourself, “I’m a mom, but is that all?” Contains affiliate links.
I was riding along in the car the other day listening to the radio when a song came on from high school.
A song I knew every word to.
I didn’t particularly love this song, but it got me thinking. You know… I used to like music. I used to know the names of up and coming bands. I bought CDs before they were cool and I loved listening to music.
I went to concerts.
I danced with friends and strangers.
I had a social life.
In that moment it became clear to me that, along with music, I’ve let go of many other habits and things I used to enjoy. I eat out less. I travel less. I see my friends less. I’ve seen two movies in the theater in the past year, and both have been cartoons.
It isn’t that I don’t love being a mother. I really really do. But I’m still living in the transition from who I used to be, to who I am now. So many parts about my life have changed, and I’m struggling to catch up with myself.
You remember the days…
You watched what you wanted to watch. You ate when you wanted to eat and at the temperature you wanted to eat it. You slept when you felt tired and stayed up if you didn’t. You know… you were in control of your own life.
Though you’re still in control of your own life now, things are different. Your desires, motivations, and spontaneous urges don’t factor into your decision making as much as they used to. Now, you consider your children’s needs equal to or above your own in the day to day.
This is good and fine and right.
But it’s still a shock to the system.
It still takes getting used to.
Reasons moms lose their identity
I want to mention here (before you send me hate mail) that these things in themselves are not bad. They are morally neutral. It isn’t that you’re wrong if you do them, just that their effects can have an unanticipated effect on you.
1. Moms lose their identity because their lives revolve around their kids
This is perplexing because – hello – when we have kids our days do revolve around them. However, there’s a difference in your daily routine revolving around the kids and the entire meaning of your life revolving around them. You can still be on duty 24/7 and be involved in other things.
Adult bible studies, girls nights, charity work, or service projects with your kids will take you from your four walls home bubble to a more well-rounded perspective. I struggle with this as a mom to many young ones who also writes about raising young ones. I have to seek out other things or I get tunnel vision.
2. Moms lose their identity because they stop caring about how they look
I used to take pleasure choosing an outfit, doing my hair, and accessorizing each morning. I liked it. Now I’m lucky if I bother to cover my hair in a cap and find matching exercise tops and bottoms. Some days I do, some days I don’t. This is a non-issue for me because I know it’ll change with time, however…
It does cause me to feel that I’m not the “woman” I used to be. I don’t look as put together or attractive as I once did. I look at women with one or two children or all in school and think… “Wow… her nails match her outfit…” I’m not crying on my pillow about it, but it does make a difference.
3. Moms lose their identity because they have to slow down (even though they feel more busy)
This is a big one for many women. They are used to be so involved in many things that becoming a mother can be difficult. I did a survey once and the #1 challenge mothers mentioned was loneliness. They felt isolated, alone, and bored at home when their babies were small.
Having children can be a big change for your personality and temperament. This life change can make you feel like a different person. Perhaps you aren’t the life of the party or don’t see your friends very often. While this in itself might not bother you, it will still affect how you see yourself.
4. Moms lose their identity because their identity revolved around their job.
Some girls dreamed of becoming a mom since childhood. These moms may find the transition to motherhood easier. Others find it more difficult. Moms who have given up a fulfilling career to come home may have symptoms akin to shock.
Even if it’s your choice to stay at home (and you don’t regret it), it’s a big change to lose the validation and satisfaction of a job well done. Especially a job with measurable results. The job may not feel as important, and it definitely doesn’t pay as well.
But be encouraged, as the wise lady at my corner store says,”Motherhood is unpaid, yet still highly rewarding.”
Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane
5. Moms lose their identity because they’ve lost freedom they once had.
This was a big one for me. As an only child (birth order does matters) who had traveled extensively, not being able to do “whatever I wanted when I wanted” has been an ongoing struggle. I have been happy to make choices that benefit my entire family, but it has changed the way my life looks in every way. Very little going out, staying up late, or socializing. Of course, I can still do these things with kids, but life has shifted and it’s been disconcerting.
6. Moms lose their identity because they don’t get enough sleep.
Prioritizing sleep is a must. If a mother and baby are sleep-deprived and overtired, moods become erratic. Emotions remain just under the surface. While the newborn period may be tough to survive, after that things should get easier. You can encourage your babies to sleep longer and you can even take power naps yourself. Even if you have to hire help or trade babysitting to take a long nap, it is worth it.
In fact, the number one thing that decreases stress is rest. Yes, we’ll probably all sleep with one ear open forever now that we have others to watch over, but that doesn’t mean we need to turn into Mombies.
How moms can find their identity again
This isn’t hard or fast, but here are some general ways you can try to stay connected to who you are, not just your role.
- Find new ways to connect with friends | Instead of regular nights out or coffee dates, have playdates or monthly book clubs. Instead of restaurants and movies try the park or a local playground.
- Have a hobby | Here are 60+ hobbies good for the sahm lifestyle, but try to find a hobby you used to love and make time for it. Even if it’s something more active like hiking, try to fit it in even once a quarter. You may think it’s impossible, but if you work hard to make it happen, it will.
- Stop comparing | This is the “secret” to being content in each season. Even so, it’s hard not to look back and forward when times are tough. By focusing on the things that are fleeting now (chubby baby thighs) you’ll be less likely to be jealous of old times.
- Get help | Whether you need to hire someone, trade babysitting, beg family members, or just go to playgroups with helpers… do what you need to do. If you are a weary and overwhelmed mom, the effects will build up.
- Take care of yourself | Put the baby or toddler in the crib and take a shower. If you loved clothes, get dressed up. If you liked having nice hair, do your hair. Don’t neglect the things that used to bring you pride and pleasure, even if no one sees them but the baby, you’ll feel better.
You will never have a life like you did pre-motherhood, and that’s okay.
But you can slowly start to find yourself again.
Your identity isn’t lost, it’s just buried under diapers and onesies.
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Lazina says
This was a very good article! I didn’t lose myself after I became a mom, but after a car accident. But I went through the same things, and I am recovering with some of the tips you mentioned too. Honestly, the biggest help was getting help. I think that was the smartest thing I finally did. If it had not been for seeking help and finding a hobby, I think I would have had an epic break down by now.
Rachel Norman says
Lazina, I will say that getting help has most definitely made things easier on myself as well!
Caroline says
Hello lovely lady! Chrissy recommended your blog and now I can’t stop reading it. Fantastic writing for anyone already a mum or wanting to become a mummy :) you write so well and you’ve got me hooked with your wonderful advice xx
Rachel Norman says
Oh wow, thank you so much :)
Rachel says
Love this article, sometimes I think I’m losing my mind and I only have one child, a 7 year old. I need balance in my life..Help
des says
Hi there,
I find very reassuring reading your comments and suggestions. I am a working mom feeling lost and guilty…I have always wanted to have kids, have a perfect home and be the “boss” of it. Instead what life brings…I have two wonderfull kids, age 2 and 4 and I have a good and demanding job… I have to work everyday and my husband has a part time job. He is the one having breakfast with the kids, having lunch. I am the one returning at 5 and try to do everything. Play and bond, housekeeping, dinner, lunchboxes etc..
Any advice for a working mum who wished she was just a GOOD mum???
Rachel Norman says
I think you ARE a good mom, you jus thave to believe it!
Deb says
You are a good Mom. I stay home full time with almost 2 and almost 4 year old and I don’t think it was the right thing to do but I live them and I felt I had to stop working and stay home. The main thing is mindfulness and being present and conscious with your kids when you are with them. If you can afford a cleaning lady even 1x per week the definitely do it or get rid of half of literally everything. .. that helps. Whether home or working. .. we work so damn hard!
Chelsea says
Thanks for this! Yes before kids my job was my identity! I have had to and still am discovering myself again! Taking care of myself, that 5 minute make up time and getting dressed really does help feel like me again!
Danielle K says
Glad to see I’m not totally insane. I haven’t thought about what I want or really do anything for myself in a long time. My oldest is nearly 18 and my 2 youngest are 13! I have never been on a vacation without the kids. Not even a honey moon. I’m usually so unselfish and giving but … These last few months have been rough. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I feel lost and DEFINITELY alone. I recently started going to therapy because I’m always stressed. Its been almost 18 years of everyone but me and I think I’m ready. For me. Does that sound stupid? I have to find the new me I guess.
Rachel Norman says
It does not sound even the least bit stupid. In fact, it sounds wise.
Anne says
Interesting article, I find that it reflects the fact that nowadays women are definitely more selfish and vain than our grandmothers were. Forgetting yourself isn’t “morally neutral” it’s GOOD and necesary.You can be selfish and an okay mom, but putting your own needs and wants aside once and for all is a must to be a really good mother.There is nothing wrong with realising that children ARE the meaning of life, motherhood is women’s sacred mission in this world.When done right, mothering is a beautiful and selfless task.
Once you become a mother, you don’t have to bother looking for your identity, being a mother IS your identity.Nobody cares if you look pretty or have hobbies (yes not even you husband trust me), how you act with your children and how loving you are with them is what defines you as a person (once again even for your husband,he expects you to mother his children not be a bimbo). So next time you think about going outside to do shopping try staying home with the children instead (NOBODY can take care of them as good as you can, and nobody should have to try .It’s YOUR responsability to be there for them and nobody else’s.Moral duties come with giving birth to children but some women tend to forget it.).Next time find yourself in front of your mirror put down the damn hair brush or mascara and head to the kitchen to prepare your kids a healthy meal.
I have three sons and I live in our time. The only difference between you ladies who agree with this article and I is that I have accepted that motherhood impies losing yourself to quite a big extent.It’s to be expected and it’s normal.I am a mother, that’s who I am.As long as I have my children I can never be truly lost.
Rachel Norman says
What happens when they move out and you have then “lost” yourself because they’re gone? I agree we must sacrifice many things and we need to prioritize those who God has given us that cannot take care of ourselves. But I think completely ignoring yourself to focus on them actually teaches them selfishness and entitlement, does it not?
Chrissie Callaghan says
It absolutely teaches them entitlement. By the time you are a teenager there is nothing worse than a parent that’s all up in your business with no life of their own. Kids need a role model who can show them empathy compassion understanding but also independent thought, confidence and most of all how to go out and function in the world, how to navigate it’s nuanced and complex vistas. If you loose your place in the world then you loose the ability to teach these things. Being a mother is a part of who you are but there’s no need to be a complete martyr to it and fall on swords every day in the name of your kids. Chances are they won’t thank you for it anyway. We are all individuals, even our kids. Parents who give up al of themselves to be a parent only run the risk of becoming controlling and suffocating.
Lol says
This has to be satire.
Sorry Lady… but I’m not a vessel for my children, I’m rather their role model. Just because I became a mother does not mean I’m defined by motherhood– that is simply a role I play in my life along with other roles such as being an artist, being a partner.
If I let motherhood define my entire existence, I would be a shell of a person. That is not only fair to my children and partner, but that’s not fair to me.
I would like to see you tell fathers that being a provider should define them, and they should live only to provide for their families. I bet you’d have a few dads who like to go fishing in the weekend (to regain their sense of self) tell you to get f***ed… and rightly so.
Renee says
Right… I bet you many mothers prior to the invent of the Internet will say the EXACT same thing the OP said but did not have a open *anonymous* platform to say it. You will be shocked out of this world how many had think the sane way thinking but of course, things were ALWAYS better in the past.
I’d told my own mother, who spent more focus on me and my siblings then taking care of her own self that, at the time, it was OKAY to have a few dates nights with my father or TIME to herself that did not involve sleeping. We would not felt bad if she done it. Now she understand after raising five children of her own. Im a mother myself and not going to apologize giving myself self care. I had a identity before my child and I try my best not to lose it. Do I go out as often before becoming a mother, no but make sure I do not lose myself in the process. Its better for everyone involve.
What will happen when your sons date/ marry somebody and have a little family of their own? They wont be able to give their all to you and as a matter of fact, that happens once they become teens and trying to gain independence. It is impossible to give all yourself to a person,including a partner. Someone will be neglected and you know who will it be…
Janey says
I just found this blog and I so need it. I have a 2 and a 4 year old. I find myself daydreaming about my former life (no husband or kids). I just want to be alone. I don’t even care about having the hubs around (who I love dearly), I just want to be by myself. Engaging in the projects I used to do and having a social life. See for us it’s a little different. My husband owns a restaurant so we never see him. Maybe 3-4 days a month. He leaves for work at 8 and gets home, well, whenever they don’t need him anymore which depends on if they’re busy or not.
So in that respect I get N.O. Time for myself. Ever. I haven’t been the best mom as of recent because I’m so freaking sick of being one. It sounds horrible but that’s the truth. I love my amazing kids but I’m so tired. Babysitters are like $10 an hour so we can’t afford one…(FYI. If you’re interested in opening a restaurant…don’t. You work 80+ hours week and make no money) I have no friends near me. The few close friends I had prior to kids are either kidless or live closer to where I used to work which is an inconvenient distance to grab coffee, etc. I know it’s just a season in our lives and I’ll make it through but it’s just so depressing.
Sorry for letting loose here but it’s nice to find a community that understands.
Looking forward to reading more.
Thanks!
Rachel Norman says
Oh girl, you are in the weeds… I am so sorry to hear that you don’t have any support and are alone so much of the time. I know this is HARD!
Hana says
Awww I feel the same :((
Aydee says
It was so nice to find this article. Almost made me cry, I’ve been a mom For just 15 months and there is another coming. I love my family but lately I feel so tired that I can’t keep up. I told my husband how hard it was for me and he told me that “hard” is to be worried about not having enough money to pay the rent or to need to work because we can’t afford life.. I totally understand that we are privileged in that sense and I’m grateful about it. But that really made me feel as if my feelings were not real or important. And that made me think …where the #&* am I ??? I feel so lonely. No family around, trying to make friends. Reading this gave me ideas and the sense that I’m not crazy.
Rachel Norman says
You are not crazy at all and being a mom is seriously the hardest job.
Becca says
Be happy you’re married. What’s tiring is being a single mom and having ALL the responsibilities you and your husband share, to take care of on your own. You sound spoiled and privileged.
J says
It’s not a competition. Yeah, that’s an additional struggle that she’s not currently facing. But you don’t know everything about her life either. She’s just expressing her feelings about one aspect of life that she’s currently dealing with. That’s valid on its own, and it’s irrelevant whether it’s better or worse than what anyone else is going through. Not everything is about you, and no one wins a trophy for having the “realest” problems. You can still share your own struggles while being supportive instead of bringing other people down in the process. You’re clearly going through something, so I hope you’ve got better support out there somewhere than what you just gave here.
Mara says
I came across this article as I was googling ‘what to do with myself now that my kids are getting older’. I do not want to get into any kind of argument I see what the one reader is saying about devoting ourselves to our kids. I agree that they are our number one priority, we brought them into this world and being a mother is our greatest accomplishment as well as our biggest priority. However in the beginning of what I feel like is a mid life crisis or funk whatever you call it!!, my point is I am feeling a little lost as one daughter left for college and my second not far behind. I just wonder what I am going to do with myself now that I am no longer completely defined as mom. Don’t get me wrong I know they still need me and will always need me but it is not the same as when they are little. I am left with a lot more time and I feel lost. I did devote my life to my kids, I was a stay at home mom and my world revolved around them. I have no regrets but I do feel like I lost my identity. So my best advice is to love them and do all that you can to care for them, as in embrace every moment, it goes by so quickly and they will be leaving home before you know it, you will then be alone, so take the time now to be sure not to lose yourself. Yes be the Mom but don’t lose you, the women you are whom is not defined as mom or wife. Try to do something you enjoy sometimes, a hobby, anything… Just so that you don’t lose yourself and end up feeling lost when they leave.
Jill says
So glad I found this website. As I sit here on another Saturday night watching tv in maternity pants and a tee I realized I have no life except for what goes on at work and my little 8 month old daughter. Thankfully i’m not alone, your article really gave me advice and a starting point. Looking forward to visiting your site more often. THANK YOU for the advice and outlet.
Kim says
In my situation, my child is 10 but we have an animal sanctuary that keeps me at home and even just being married in general keeps me from having the identity that I crave. I’m so happy to see that I’m not alone though.
One thing that helped was to recently go back to using my maiden name for a public FB page. Something that is mine alone. ;-)
Grace says
I’m so glad I found your site. You were speaking to me. Motherhood came easily to me but I had always wanted to have a corporate career because of my academic line. Sometimes, I felt I studied for nothing and compare myself with my friend in the corporate environment. After my third child, I started loving myself again and taking care of myself. Now I feel good and look good. I want to be the best version of myself.
Lynn says
Your blog is saving my life and my sanity. I stumbled on it when I found the article about 2 year old molars and the symptoms around them. I have since been reading many other articles and I feel like somehow you can look into my soul and see everything about me….I didn’t think anyone else thought the same way I do and felt the same way, it was such a relief! I thought I was literally losing my mind and one day would need to be taken away in a straight jacket. I have cried reading so many of your articles just feeling relief coming out of me in the tears. I have already implemented many of your suggestions and things have improved dramatically. I look forward to reading and doing more. Thank you!
Rachel Norman says
Lynn, thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to comment and let me know you’ve found some encouragement. You are not alone, girl, and if you did have to be taken away in a straight jacket you’d find about 1,562,326 mamas right there beside you!
Kim says
Great article. But it’s not just stay at home moms that can lose their identity. It can happen to working moms too. As a working mom I felt like I no longer ‘owned’ any minute of my days. I think getting a hobby of blogging at night when everyone was in bed really helped me. I could write about whatever I wanted and could feel a little more seen as a person. I hope it has helped you too! @momminbyseatofpants @shebloomz
Hana says
I think I am a horrible mom, it makes me so sad when I can’t control my anger and yell at them. They are just babies but with a 3 yr old and 4 yr old and being pregnant with my third. I feel so frustrated as there is so much to do and I just get it all done. I have been a stay at home with new country no family or friend. Low self esteem, no driving license and a forever working husband with no help at home or a word of appreciation.
I want my gurls to smile and I make them cry I try to play with them but they end up arguing and then I end up screaming to stop them over there screaming.
I need help, I can’t get help from friends or family and my husband won’t pay to hire when I am a stay home mom. I go out only a day for couple hrs grocery then stuck in the house. I luv my daughters but it gets over whelming to just be a monther 24/7 not even a tv time or a relaxation conversation.
I feel guilty to want just a breatable day to look out the window and see the sun shine and drink a cup of tea.
I don’t want to feel the need of a break but I don’t know what to do ! They both don’t sleep through the night and being preg them and the pregnancy I hardly get couple hrs of shut eye :( I am so lost with out a friend :( or a shoulder to say it will be ok just hang in there :((
Amy W says
I know I’ll never be the same person I used to be, but how can I find my new identity? I already craft, I’ve never been interested in getting dolled up every day, we have no family or friends nearby and we can’t afford child care. My relationship with my spouse has suffered since becoming a mom and my relationship with myself is non-existent. I have no idea who I am or how to start finding out who I am as this new person. I’m drowning. Does anyone here have any suggestions?
Ellie says
I thought this post was really insightful in not only acknowledging how moms feel but also WHY we have a tendency to feel that way. As well as sharing constructive things to help. As a mom (and stepmom) of 4 kids total, I know the struggle all too well of trying to fit in time for self care. But I have definitely found that I’m more content and actually do a better job as a mom when I take time to catch up with friends, read something, or do my hair and makeup (although my nails have taken a loss haha.)