Present but absent parenting? What is that, you say. Here are some thoughts on why sometimes just “being there” isn’t enough. Also, you can check out How to be a Present Parent Without Going Insane. Post contains affiliate links.
I’ve sat face to face in front of many adults who were crying their eyes out.
Adults who felt very damaged and unloved.
As I was to find out, this was fairly common. And there is a surprising reason these adults found themselves in counseling, with roots going back to their childhood. They needed healing, tools, and positive coping mechanisms. They were also perfectly “normal” and came from perfectly “normal” families.
By that I mean, no trauma, tragedy, abuse or neglect.
And yet… in adulthood they had difficulties in relationships. They had low self-worth, non-existent boundaries, and negative view of themselves. For many of these people, the current issues that brought them into counseling were symptoms of a larger and deeper issue, and it was rooted in a parent being Present Yet Absent.
What Present but Absent Means
Present but absent is fairly self-explanatory. It means the parent is still in the home yet is unavailable. You’ve heard the phrase “emotionally unavailable?” That’s this. If parents aren’t able to share from the heart or express love and affection to their child, this is being present but absent.
“The present but absent parent may meet their child’s physical needs, but not other equally important ones.”
Kids are thirsty for affirmation from their parents, whom they view as heroes, so if a child never gets praised or doesn’t feel accepted, they’ll feel lonely, even in a house full of people.
Examples of present but absent might be:
- a parent who never says “I love you“
- a parent who is around but unapproachable
- a parent who is always busy watching TV, working, or using a screen
- a parent who shuns physical affection
- a parent going through prolonged stress who is unable to engage
When we say present but absent we are talking about consistent and persistent behavior that communicates to a child they are not worth their parents time. Most of the time parents do not consciously think this, but children have great intuition and are able to pick up their parents’ moods and feelings. Whether you tell your child they are a nuisance or you simply act like it, the effects on the child will be similar.
Read: How to be a present parent without going insane
What Present But Absent Parenting Does
Children are made to feel loved, accepted and nurtured. There is trouble in the world and part of parenting is providing shelter and protection from the Big Bad World until the child is equipped to take on life himself. At the least, it should be a place where children feel truly at rest. If a parent is present but absent in their nurturing duties, the child will feel rejected on a regular basis. And if it’s within the home, it’s an inescapable feeling.
A present but absent parent rejects almost as much as an absent parent. In fact, it can be said that the rejection is constant with a present but absent parent.
Read: The Effects of Rejection on Children
Children crave attention and affirmation. Without attention, quality time, and kind words children won’t develop a healthy sense of self-worth. This can go one of two ways.
- The child internalizes a low sense of self-worth that says “I’m not good enough.” They don’t feel smart, attractive, worthwhile, or lovable.
- The child swings the other way and masks insecurity by becoming overly confident, arrogant and perhaps aggressive to cover their painful feelings.
What Children Do In the Face of Present but Absent Parenting
In a nutshell, if parents don’t give their children the necessary attention, love and acceptance, they will look for it elsewhere. Maybe they look to their peers for acceptance and support. This would be the best case scenario. Likely they look to members of the opposite sex to make them feel wanted and worthwhile. And this can happen much earlier than you think.
In its extreme, this is why people join gangs or cults
Those with low self-worth will develop habits that are self-fulfilling. For example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices that lend her to being used. This, then, confirms her suspicion she is not a person worthy of love.
Low self-worth also engenders fear. Fear of failure, fear of standing out, and fear of being alone, among others. Because children of present but absent parents don’t believe in themselves, they’re scared to step out and try new things. Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-confidence and self-awareness that continues until the cycle is stopped.
If parents consistently fail to meet their children’s needs, they’ll feel angry, betrayed and alone. These emotions lead to truly dangerous behaviors like self-harming or drug abuse. These are more common than we’d like to think.
What Parents Can Do About It
The good news is this: all you have to do is really be there with your body and your heart.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to always be paying close attention and share your life’s dreams over dinner.
You are allowed to have your days, moods or your own problems. The key is to be transparent, open, and present
.
Balance is key
Of course, sometimes parents need to zone out. Parents may need time alone to recharge and refresh. That’s normal and that’s okay. We can’t and shouldn’t be afraid that every time we make a mistake or tell our children “no” we’re going to scar our children for life.
We can maintain our own boundaries and still raise children who feel loved, connected, and supported by us.
How to Avoid the Trap of Being a Present But Absent Parent:
- Have no screen time limits. During those times (meals, for example) turn your phone off and put it in another room.
- Make a habit of asking your child questions and really listening to their responses.
- Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors, do some investigating and see if something deeper is at work.
- Apologize humbly to your kids if you mess up.
- Give children eye contact and physical touch. It’s good for their brains.
Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can give them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.
They need to know we care.
They need to know they belong.
They need to know we’re available.
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Brilliant. Real. Powerful.
Thank you, Rich! We were paying attention!
Rachel,
Such a simple and powerful piece; thank you!
Very minir, but I wanted to mention a couple typos that seem to throw the meaning of some sentences. “If parents consistently meet their children’s needs, they’ll become angry” sounds like its missing a piece. As well, “small daily … where we can them” maybe just needs a ‘give’ inserted?
I also tripped on “have no screen limits” which sounds counter to you (valid) point. That’s obv just semantics and is likely just me!
I’ve NEVER commented on anyone’s piece online, nor do I believe anyone reading is going to misunderstand based on these tiny issues. I found the piece to be life changing and wish every human access to it!. I’m so grateful for your work!
Peace & many thanks,
Ttp
THANK YOU, I’ve fixed those errors :)
Ironically and perfectly, I have a typo in my 2nd sentence. That should read, “very minor”!
This really hits home and I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. My husband suffers from PTSD and anxiety so he is quick to anger/irritate and tends to park himself in front of the computer or always has something playing on his phone or tablet to keep his mind off the things in his head. The epitome of “present but absent”. I have to tell the kids more than I like to “leave daddy alone” .I wish there was an easy way to approach this subject with him.
Amanda, I’m so sorry that’s what you are going through. I will say that you are aware of it and are obviously in tune with what’s going on so you can only do the best YOU can do with the kids and somehow wisely approach your husband in a way that doesn’t get his back up. Is he seeing someone for his PTSD? It’s such a horrible thing to go through, no doubt.
616-204-1705
http://www.setfreeministries.com
Contact Steve Prince. He is the Director of Warriors Set Free, a no-charge Freedom in Christ ministry specifically created for soldiers battling PTSD. I have seen the results of life-changing healing in as little as one appointment. (only Men meet with Men, so I have not been involved in those appointments). Completely confidential. Lots of free resources on the website. Worldwide.
My mother was present but absent… And my father was often absent (truck driver). My mother doesn’t show affection physically or ever say “I love you.” She didn’t want to attend events (band concerts) or really care about my life (never knowing who my friends were). I knew she did love and care for me, but actions often speak louder than words.
Once I got to high school I really sought out good friends, and I really turned to God, and everything has worked out. I figured how to forgive my mother and move on. I have yet to go counseling for it. I try hard to be so much more available and open and honest with my children than my mother ever was with me (she NEVER talked to me about maturation, let alone sex, but also just never really shared personal stories about herself growing up much at all).
I know though that just keeping a strong relationship and being more present won’t guarantee my kids will avoid counseling… ;) Excited for this series.
Haha, no and I often want to change the name because really, life brings blows that good parenting can’t always stop. Was it because she had so many kids she just didn’t have enough to give you or is that her way? I’m so sorry to hear you went through that, but am so happy you’ve found healing, Katelyn!
My mom was raised by a mentally ill mother who abused her. As a result my mom has something akin to PTSD and was not able to be demonstrative with her love or pay me much attention. My father was (still is at 65) a workaholic. As a result I exhibited some of the behaviors described in the article. Now I’m a mom and am trying to make sure I don’t repeat the cycle. It’s hard. The author really hit the nail on the head here. Good info!
Sophia, I am so sorry this was your experience growing up. I pray you find comfort now and encouragement that you are doing your best as a mom!
My mother is was mentally ill, and my father was never home. I have 5 siblings. All but me have had counseling, and I know I need it. I have four children and am an introvert. So hard to deal with all the issues. I worry most about my inability to connect with my husband and children. May God bless our efforts as we try to break the cycle.
Judith, I agree with this. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through but am glad you are looking for a new way with your own kids. I’ve had to do the same about a lot of issues relating to my own childhood as well.
Great post! I’ve been guilty of doing this before and as a result I made a time out jar for my cell phone. It has helped the relationship I have with my kids and also the one I have with my husband. Like you mentioned you said sorry to your kids, I think that’s something parents should do more often. We shouldn’t be afraid every move is going to have a negative impact on their lives but taking the time to say “I made a mistake, will you forgive me?” tends to outweigh those negative moments with moments of learning and treasured memories
Lauren, you are so right. Balance is key! We can’t be walking on eggshells, but just do our best and admit our failings as they happen. :)
This definitely hit home for me. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past couple of months to help me learn new cognitive skills so that I can keep my emotions in perspective and on a rational level. I have a 5 year old daughter with significant disabilities due to a genetic syndrome. Caring for her is complicated and exhausting. I also have a 3 year old son. I find myself disconnecting frequently while I’m home alone with them. Part of my therapy has been to become more “present” in every day moments and this piece has really helped me to see my situation with new eyes. A view I have very much needed. So thank you for sharing your insight and experience.
Bethany, I truly hope you didn’t find guilt from this article. I know it must be so challenging to care for a child with special needs and a small one at home. I think it’s great you are seeing someone to help you cope mentally when you feel like spacing out.
No guilt at all. Just a clearer picture of what has likely been happening with me. It helps me think objectively and rationally about my situation. Your words truly have given me an “a-ha” moment. The light bulb has switched on and there are so many things I can now see, that I hadn’t before. Divine grace at work. Thank you again.
Bethany, praise God for that!
I love this article! I was initially hesitant to read it when this popped up on my Pinterest feed. I grew up with a mentally ill mother who was (and is) often present but absent. Im now working on sorting out my own issues and this article was so positive and validating that parents have hard days/moments and how being real and apologizing and showing love is okay and important. I think it’s easy to lose perspective and think you’re the only parent EVER who has been annoyed and short tempered and although not ideal, how to cope with those emotions in as best a way as possible. Thank you.
Elle, thank you so much! That was my goal, to show the dangers but to encourage, not use fear to drive our behavior. I know it must have been difficult for you and you’re so brave for coping with your emotions the best way possible! It’s all our kids can ask for :)
I really enjoyed this. I too am in a situation where my husband is disabled and spends most of his time in bed. When he does venture out of the bedroom, its usually with a headache, so he is constantly telling the children to be quiet. I can sense that they resent him for this. I have three girls 9, 6, and 5. They have become “Mommy’s girls” because of this. He really feels bad that he is not able to do the things that he use to do with them and doesn’t understand why they don’t have much to do with him. I really think it is because he is the absent parent. I just don’t know how to fix it.
Martha, I am so sorry for your difficult situation. You may be right in your guesses. I suppose an honest discussion with both parties might help them see why they are feeling what they feel? Maybe he doesn’t even see it?
Go to therapy with him. If he doesn’t want to change or go to therapy, there are other options. I grew up with absent parents and if my mom would of divorced my dad years ago I would of been so much better off not being exposed to his anger.
Sweetheart, you are yhe present but absent parent and he is the absent parent. I am saying this out of great Love and knowledge. ❤
This is a great article and explains my parents exactly. They were not into yelling or hitting- were actually into the peace movement, “turn the other cheek.” I used to wonder what is wrong with me. They never said, and I mean never, “I love you,” or hugged. They would say we are “smart” but this just made me not want to take risks for showing I am not smart or that some things were hard. They would help people they were “good” and could not understand why I felt so lousy. Until I went to college, there I had a hard time and thankfully had an amazing therapist.
Also the fear of standing out is profound. I had a terrible time in school- terrible people skills- and that was one of the biggest. I was willing to fail rather then go through it. Same as in college. Even today, as an older adult, STILL can fall apart in certain situations.
Thank you for writing this.
Sarah, I am so sorry for your experience growing up, girl, and I am so happy you found a therapist who could help you identify some of these things and find some healing. I truly pray your self-image and self-confidence change with each year. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story.
Good article on a worthy topic! However I came across a phrase that I really can’t stand as it is.
“Those with low self worth will develop habits that are self fulfilling. For example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices THAT CAUSE others to use her…”
I know what you’re trying to say ( I think, I hope!) but you can’t cause others to behave well or poorly. This is a slippery slope to victim blaming. I think the phrase should read “allows others to” rather than cause as if they have no choice but to use somebody else! ( Hehe brings a funny mental image of somebody bewitched and not wanting to do something terrible but their hands are pulled that way by some unseen force lol) anyway sorry to nitpick but sometimes unwanted connotations can creep in and sully our well intentioned writings!
Alison, you are too right of course. Everyone makes their own choices! A better way to say it might have been that the way we behave creates an impression that others use to determine what we will or will not do. Or, like you said, “allows others to.” And I am telling you right now, in case you were in doubt, that we must all take responsibility for our actions regardless if someone else encouraged them or not. Haha!
Hello Rachel,
Thank you for the awesome topic. Our live as a family had many similar moments; my husband was a Pastor for almost 30 years and with that came his responsibility to be on call almost 24hours 7 days a week! It is strange how the very flock he tends to has difficulty to understand his responsibilities as family man. We have 3 sons and a daughter, all grown up now. The eldest son is married and they are expecting their 1st baby, the other 2 sons (not married yet) are in long-standing relationships. My daughter is divorced and has a little boy. The heartbreaking part is how I can see the damage done in my children with present but absent parenting and how much I wish I could turn back the clock knowing more now. I think the most difficult is to admit that we have failed in some way or another and try to find ways in which we can restore the broken pieces. It is not easy to discuss this with my daughter more so than with our sons, because where do you start without blaming each other in the process? She and the little one are living with us and we have come a long way in our relationship, but it is her relationship with her father that needs the most restoration. I just wish I could whisk a magic wand and everything would be okay“` May God bless you richly for your time & dedication. Many thanks.
Chrisna, I am so sorry where this post has discouraged you :( Hopefully, though, it shined a light that might become an inroad for discussion with your kids? Ministry is such a fine balance, people are called and so passionate that it’s hard to know where to draw the line. Also, we can all only do the best we can do! I pray your family finds some peace, Chrisna.
So, what if you were the present but absent parent, who lives with guilt!!!! Because you were barely surviving yourself. How do I make up for it or help her now. I was absent emotionally (after her father left), and we are pretty close now. But I hate what I did. I try to talk about it with her, but she won’t, she says it is in the past and it is okay. But NO it is not okay, I love her so much but was so broken, I felt destroyed like I couldn’t feel anything at the time, only pain. It happened, I can’t change it, but I still want to fix it. To help her be healthier emotionally (ya, and I caused it!) I don’t know how. She should hate me and I would totally understand or tell or blame or something, but she won’t. I know for what I was, I am responsible. My poor baby. Any ideas. I was very blessed to have had my parents co parenting who loved her more than I could express at the time. They were present and mine and her saving grace. Any suggestions how I can encourage her now. I have told her over and over it is okay to be angry at me. I failed her. We were very close before her dad left. It was like losing 2 parents for her. :( ….May God forgive me. And heal her, because it has to still hurt. It went on for about 4 or 5 years until I was better able to deal with my emotions and get over myself!!!! So angry at me!!!!! And tell her I tell wasn’t her fault it was mine. I loved her I was just so weak and broken I couldn’t show it.
Silvia, bless you dear sister. What a warm and loving heart you have for your daughter. Life causes a lot of pain and sometimes we find ourselves in situations we simply cannot control. Such a blessing your daughter loves you and has forgiven you, I think you must learn to forgive yourself. You could write the incidents that come to mind where you were present but absent and share them with her in a letter? Tell her you aer so sorry – as you have done – but even if she offers you complete forgiveness.. which it looks like she is… you will still feel this huge burden of guilt until you can forgive yourself, Silvia. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I’m a wife, a mom of three young men, (two of them are twins), and a Pre-K teacher. I’m with kids-morning, noon and night! I love writing and hope I can finally start writing in earnest. There aren’t enough hours in the day. I don’t know you personally, but love and admire you! Keep the faith, keep on mommying and keep on blogging! :-)
Lee, thank you so much for your encouragement :)
I want to let others know the long term effects of being raised by parents who are not emotionally available or who are present but absent. I was raised by these types of parents. At a young age I started to have anger problems and when I was a teenager I would run away, drink a lot of alcohol and cling to my friends. I would live with other friends because their parents paid attention to me more than my actual parents did. I grew up with anger problems that carried over into adulthood. It was problematic in my relationships. I have also always have been extremely insecure and have low self-esteem. I became a drug addict for 3 years. These are just some of the things that can happen to your children if you are not willing to put forth the effort to be a good parent. It takes patience, love and so much more. I now have a 6 year old and have been through years of counseling just so I don’t make the same mistakes that my parents made. It is nice to have learned from all of that though, and know that I will never raise my child the way my parents raised me.
Sarah, I am so sorry for what you went through in your childhood and so happy that you have managed to start a different way of life for your own family!
Thank you so much for this articles. I’m a 21 years old women who also have a present but absent parent. It is really hard growing up and even until now. Life just feel so overwhelming sometime and I often feel lost in alot of situation, 1 year ago I’ve droping out from college. I feel really guilty and insecured about it up until now but the feeling of doing something I have no interest and capability of is just too much for me. Now I try to follow my passion to become a fashion designer, but the fear of failing and the feeling of not good enough just gets in the way alot of the time. What should I do?
There is a book on Amazon called healing for damaged emotions. I’d start there and see what opens up and which direction you want to turn. I’m so sorry that you went through that and pray you find healing!
What tips do you have for parents who work from home. Lots of ‘presence’ but work takes focus and a lot of “not right now.”
Girl, I’m with you. I try to create windows that I work and they know it. Then other windows when I do not work and they know it. I also recently hired a mother’s helper two mornings a week so they are occupied and happy and some of that time I take a child individually and do things with them then let them back to playing. I find it easier to do work away when they know I can’t pay attention. Children don’t need us to stare in their face all day long, right, but it’s the guilt on me that’s hard to manage.
Excellent post. I work with adults who often experienced this as children. I like how you balance and reassure parents who might think that a small misstep will be detrimental. I will say that many adults have trouble being present because of the dysregulation in their own nervous system.
Brandy, I think also adults who are used to focusing on the computer, TV, work that is detailed like that, etc. they are just wanting a lot of zone out time. Makes it hard.
That is neglect…emotional neglect, and if you grew up this way you may not realize that you were missing out on essential things that children need to become healthy adults. Childhood emotional neglect has been shown to be just as bad as physical and sexual abuse.
I totally get this. I have 3 girls and I travel for work and I know it is hard on them but I do my best to be present and spend lots of quality time with them. Just recently my 11 year old and I started to write in a mom/daughter diary, it’s called “Just between us” and it’s a great way to share lots of things with each other that maybe she might not want to bring up in front of dad or her sisters. We are having so much fun with it! I hope that one day it will be a wonderful keepsake for her. Thanks for a great reminder!
What an absolutely wonderful idea. Thank you so much for sharing that here!
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i was also raised in present and absent parent situation. My mother lost her mom to cancer at the age of 2 and my father lost his father at the age of 4. Both of them were some what broken when they started their family and unfortunately they never resolved their own issues. That created a big gap between us, children and them. I struggled all my childhood to understand this situation and now trying to break the cycle by being present for my boys. It is hard, very hard. I struggled on daily basis but i will keep fighting for them and their fulfilled and happy childhood.
Taz, I’m so sorry for your past pain but think it’s amazing you are trying to take a different way with your own kids :)
It is a good article also check this link:http://www.indiaparenting.com/raising-children/130_5668/effects-of-being-unhappy-too-busy-or-not-caring-for-children.html
great!
Hello, what a great article! Thank you! Could you put me on your mailing list if you have one?
Hi Kelly, if you click the ‘click here’ at the bottom of the post it’ll pop up and you can sign up :)
I am in my mid 20s, and my parents have always been present but absent and let me tell you. Somehow I finally accepted that I will never have a dad or be daddy’s little girl. But for some reason I can still not come to terms when it comes to mom . I often find myself drawn towards an older woman in hopes of having that kind of parental relationship and in most cases I end up being more hurt than I started off with. And for some reason I still keep putting myself in that situation, because I guess it’s something I can never accept that I won’t ever have mom to tell me she loves me or be my best friend or go shopping with me or sometimes someone to just go up to a hug.
just read a book recently that says with our parenting wounds (where our parents fell short, abandoned or hurt us) we will *always* end up putting ourselves into tha tsituation again and again as an adult trying to somehow resolve the childhood wound. Until we grieve that pain and let those emotions out, we’ll end up “reenacting” what happened. :(
this was a great read for me. I’m currently a college student writing a research paper based on a case study, and the child I was given has ‘present but absent parents’ and your article gave me a much better understanding of what could be happening and the effects of what could happen to the child.
Thank you.
Thanks, Abby, and good luck with that paper!
I have a question and resonate with the whole article but have a question where you said “if a parent consistently meets their child’s needs”… towards the end of the article I don’t know if that was worded right or If i am just having a hard time interpreting it. Wondering if it means something like if the present but absent parent physically cares for them and continues to purchase these things for them or leads them down a path of self destruction such as drugs or cutting. Is this because of negative reinforcement on a non emotional level? I have had this all of my life and I will be 40 on Wednesday. I also have a 14 yr old. I am trying to put the pieces of my head and broken relationships back together. However, I think just by writing this out i have answered my own question. I guess I never would hAve admitted my material need for things has now gotten in the way. Thank you
Glad you answered your own question!
I always knew that my sons father was there but not really there…he had 4 other kids before my son, and I don’t really think he was ready for another one. We were together for 5 years and had talked about it and he even said that this life was different from the one that he had back then, and that he would love to have a family with me. During my whole pregnancy I never really felt special, and after my son was born, he didn’t really seem too thrilled with taking part in taking care of him. As my son got older (he is 3 now), his father and I just fought all the time, he got to go out and have fun with his friends, work long hours just because, and never be home with us…when he was home he sat on the couch with his phone in his face or was too tired to play, or just simply fell asleep. It turned into not only a mentally abusive, but physically abusive relationship. I finally had enough and left this past February, and my son took it hard. Even though he never really “saw” daddy, he idolized him, well because he was his daddy. Now he is supposed to have him 2-3 days out of the week, and my poor son is lucky if he makes time to see him one of those days. When I ask him what he did at daddy’s house he always says that he played by himself, or daddy was with his girlfriend. My heart hurts for my little boy because he is just constantly looking for the love and approval from his father that he just never receives. Now that we are gone, he is not only an absent parent most of the time, but when he does see him he is still the present but not present parent that he was when we did live there. Its just not fair!
My father is a teacher and its more of a lifestyle than a career for him. My parents are trying to get rid of everyone that cares about me and never consider my feelings. My mom is present absent and has been working a lot and watches TV when she is home. I have been anorexic for 3 years (recently recovered but going back to my old ways) and suffering from depression for 2 and a half years. My mom knows about it but doesnt seem to care. I need help. I don’t want to live anymore. I went to the school counsellor and it helped for a week. I have been forcing my way into my parents life but things keep getting worse.
Eden, do you have any friends you can talk to? I highly recommend you go to this site and call. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
I can remember a time now when I thought I was going to lose my mind with anxiety. I called and was able to talk talk talk talk talk to a counselor via phone and I felt relief. It was a small thing, but for the moment it helped.
Please find someone you can trust who loves you.
It is very nice article related to present and absent parent situation. You can explain it very well. As a parent i think to become a good parent is challenging job but thanks for this information which is very useful for us.
This was lovely and just what I needed to read. I had a mother like this and was searching my emotions today to discover what this feeling is that I have and it is as a result of this kind of rejection. My mother married a man who had a daughter and I technically got replaced, although growing up I never saw it clearly but this rejecting behaviour has been consistent throughout. I understand from the things she shouted at me that she doesn’t care – subsequently understood the narcissitic behaviour behind it all. I was left with a feeling of loss – I lost my mother age 12 – so present but absent and although she is able to be loving and warm with others, me being a Christian has caused her some problems with controlling and her gossip/slanderous ways. I have always been forgiving and loving throughout. Honestly, I miss having a mother and I am a mother myself – so don’t want to become this kind of mother to my own daughter. So your words provide a gentle reminder and ways forward, which I am grateful for . Sarah
Sarah, you have had quite a hard time and I wish I could give you a hug. What a gentle and loving mother to want to NOT pass on to your children what you experienced.