Present but absent parenting? What is that, you say. Here are some thoughts on why sometimes just “being there” isn’t enough. Also, you can check out How to be a Present Parent Without Going Insane. Post contains affiliate links.
I’ve sat face to face in front of many adults who were crying their eyes out.
Adults who felt very damaged and unloved.
As I was to find out, this was fairly common. And there is a surprising reason these adults found themselves in counseling, with roots going back to their childhood.
They needed healing, tools, and positive coping mechanisms. They were also perfectly “normal” and came from perfectly “normal” families.
By that I mean, no trauma, tragedy, abuse or neglect.
And yet… in adulthood they had difficulties in relationships. They had low self-worth, non-existent boundaries, and negative view of themselves.
For many of these people, the current issues that brought them into counseling were symptoms of a larger and deeper issue, and it was rooted in a parent being Present Yet Absent.
What Present but Absent Means
Present but absent is fairly self-explanatory. It means the parent is still in the home yet is unavailable. You’ve heard the phrase “emotionally unavailable?”
That’s this. If parents aren’t able to share from the heart or express love and affection to their child, this is being present but absent.
“The present but absent parent may meet their child’s physical needs, but not other equally important ones.”
Kids are thirsty for affirmation from their parents, whom they view as heroes, so if a child never gets praised or doesn’t feel accepted, they’ll feel lonely, even in a house full of people.
Examples of present but absent might be:
- a parent who never says “I love you“
- a parent who is around but unapproachable
- a parent who is always busy watching TV, working, or using a screen
- a parent who shuns physical affection
- a parent going through prolonged stress who is unable to engage
When we say present but absent we are talking about consistent and persistent behavior that communicates to a child they are not worth their parents time.
Most of the time parents do not consciously think this, but children have great intuition and are able to pick up their parents’ moods and feelings. Whether you tell your child they are a nuisance or you simply act like it, the effects on the child will be similar.
Read: How to be a present parent without going insane
What Absent Parenting Does
Children are made to feel loved, accepted and nurtured. There is trouble in the world and part of parenting is providing shelter and protection from the Big Bad World until the child is equipped to take on life himself.
At the least, it should be a place where children feel truly at rest. If a parent is present but absent in their nurturing duties, the child will feel rejected on a regular basis. And if it’s within the home, it’s an inescapable feeling.
A present but absent parent rejects almost as much as an absent parent. In fact, it can be said that the rejection is constant with a present but absent parent.
Read: The Effects of Rejection on Children
Children crave attention and affirmation. Without attention, quality time, and kind words children won’t develop a healthy sense of self-worth. This can go one of two ways.
- The child internalizes a low sense of self-worth that says “I’m not good enough.” They don’t feel smart, attractive, worthwhile, or lovable.
- The child swings the other way and masks insecurity by becoming overly confident, arrogant and perhaps aggressive to cover their painful feelings.
What Children They Sense Their Parents Are Absent
In a nutshell, if parents don’t give their children the necessary attention, love and acceptance, they will look for it elsewhere. Maybe they look to their peers for acceptance and support.
This would be the best case scenario.
Likely they look to members of the opposite sex to make them feel wanted and worthwhile. And this can happen much earlier than you think.
In its extreme, this is why people join gangs or cults
. Because human beings are wired for connection, any sense of appreciation and belonging is better than none.
Those with low self-worth will develop habits that are self-fulfilling. For example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices that lend her to being used. This, then, confirms her suspicion she is not a person worthy of love.
Low self-worth also engenders fear.
Fear of failure, fear of standing out, and fear of being alone, among others. Because children of present but absent parents don’t believe in themselves, they’re scared to step out and try new things. Unfortunately this results in a lack of self-confidence and self-awareness that continues until the cycle is stopped.
If parents consistently fail to meet their children’s needs, they’ll feel angry, betrayed and alone. These emotions lead to truly dangerous behaviors like self-harming or drug abuse.
These are more common than we’d like to think.
What Parents Can Do About It
The good news is this: all you have to do is really be there with your body and your heart.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to always be paying close attention and share your life’s dreams over dinner.
You are allowed to have your days, moods or your own problems. The key is to be transparent, open, and present
.
.Balance is key
Of course, sometimes parents need to zone out. Parents may need time alone to recharge and refresh. That’s normal and that’s okay.
We can’t and shouldn’t be afraid that every time we make a mistake or tell our children “no” we’re going to scar our children for life.
We can maintain our own boundaries and still raise children who feel loved, connected, and supported by us.
How to Avoid the Trap of Being a Present But Absent Parent:
- Have no screen time limits. During those times (meals, for example) turn your phone off and put it in another room.
- Make a habit of asking your child questions and really listening to their responses.
- Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors, do some investigating and see if something deeper is at work.
- Apologize humbly to your kids if you mess up.
- Give children eye contact and physical touch. It’s good for their brains.
Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can give them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.
They need to know we care.
They need to know they belong.
They need to know we’re available.
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- you’ll know how to validate and affirm your child’s emotions
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Richard Fila says
Brilliant. Real. Powerful.
Rachel Norman says
Thank you, Rich! We were paying attention!
Tanya says
Rachel,
Such a simple and powerful piece; thank you!
Very minir, but I wanted to mention a couple typos that seem to throw the meaning of some sentences. “If parents consistently meet their children’s needs, they’ll become angry” sounds like its missing a piece. As well, “small daily … where we can them” maybe just needs a ‘give’ inserted?
I also tripped on “have no screen limits” which sounds counter to you (valid) point. That’s obv just semantics and is likely just me!
I’ve NEVER commented on anyone’s piece online, nor do I believe anyone reading is going to misunderstand based on these tiny issues. I found the piece to be life changing and wish every human access to it!. I’m so grateful for your work!
Peace & many thanks,
Ttp
Rachel Norman says
THANK YOU, I’ve fixed those errors :)
Tanya says
Ironically and perfectly, I have a typo in my 2nd sentence. That should read, “very minor”!
amanda says
This really hits home and I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. My husband suffers from PTSD and anxiety so he is quick to anger/irritate and tends to park himself in front of the computer or always has something playing on his phone or tablet to keep his mind off the things in his head. The epitome of “present but absent”. I have to tell the kids more than I like to “leave daddy alone” .I wish there was an easy way to approach this subject with him.
Rachel Norman says
Amanda, I’m so sorry that’s what you are going through. I will say that you are aware of it and are obviously in tune with what’s going on so you can only do the best YOU can do with the kids and somehow wisely approach your husband in a way that doesn’t get his back up. Is he seeing someone for his PTSD? It’s such a horrible thing to go through, no doubt.
Crystal Frens says
616-204-1705
http://www.setfreeministries.com
Contact Steve Prince. He is the Director of Warriors Set Free, a no-charge Freedom in Christ ministry specifically created for soldiers battling PTSD. I have seen the results of life-changing healing in as little as one appointment. (only Men meet with Men, so I have not been involved in those appointments). Completely confidential. Lots of free resources on the website. Worldwide.
Katelyn Fagan says
My mother was present but absent… And my father was often absent (truck driver). My mother doesn’t show affection physically or ever say “I love you.” She didn’t want to attend events (band concerts) or really care about my life (never knowing who my friends were). I knew she did love and care for me, but actions often speak louder than words.
Once I got to high school I really sought out good friends, and I really turned to God, and everything has worked out. I figured how to forgive my mother and move on. I have yet to go counseling for it. I try hard to be so much more available and open and honest with my children than my mother ever was with me (she NEVER talked to me about maturation, let alone sex, but also just never really shared personal stories about herself growing up much at all).
I know though that just keeping a strong relationship and being more present won’t guarantee my kids will avoid counseling… ;) Excited for this series.
Rachel Norman says
Haha, no and I often want to change the name because really, life brings blows that good parenting can’t always stop. Was it because she had so many kids she just didn’t have enough to give you or is that her way? I’m so sorry to hear you went through that, but am so happy you’ve found healing, Katelyn!
Sophia says
My mom was raised by a mentally ill mother who abused her. As a result my mom has something akin to PTSD and was not able to be demonstrative with her love or pay me much attention. My father was (still is at 65) a workaholic. As a result I exhibited some of the behaviors described in the article. Now I’m a mom and am trying to make sure I don’t repeat the cycle. It’s hard. The author really hit the nail on the head here. Good info!
Rachel Norman says
Sophia, I am so sorry this was your experience growing up. I pray you find comfort now and encouragement that you are doing your best as a mom!
Judith says
My mother is was mentally ill, and my father was never home. I have 5 siblings. All but me have had counseling, and I know I need it. I have four children and am an introvert. So hard to deal with all the issues. I worry most about my inability to connect with my husband and children. May God bless our efforts as we try to break the cycle.
Rachel Norman says
Judith, I agree with this. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through but am glad you are looking for a new way with your own kids. I’ve had to do the same about a lot of issues relating to my own childhood as well.
Lauren says
Great post! I’ve been guilty of doing this before and as a result I made a time out jar for my cell phone. It has helped the relationship I have with my kids and also the one I have with my husband. Like you mentioned you said sorry to your kids, I think that’s something parents should do more often. We shouldn’t be afraid every move is going to have a negative impact on their lives but taking the time to say “I made a mistake, will you forgive me?” tends to outweigh those negative moments with moments of learning and treasured memories
Rachel Norman says
Lauren, you are so right. Balance is key! We can’t be walking on eggshells, but just do our best and admit our failings as they happen. :)
Bethany says
This definitely hit home for me. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past couple of months to help me learn new cognitive skills so that I can keep my emotions in perspective and on a rational level. I have a 5 year old daughter with significant disabilities due to a genetic syndrome. Caring for her is complicated and exhausting. I also have a 3 year old son. I find myself disconnecting frequently while I’m home alone with them. Part of my therapy has been to become more “present” in every day moments and this piece has really helped me to see my situation with new eyes. A view I have very much needed. So thank you for sharing your insight and experience.
Rachel Norman says
Bethany, I truly hope you didn’t find guilt from this article. I know it must be so challenging to care for a child with special needs and a small one at home. I think it’s great you are seeing someone to help you cope mentally when you feel like spacing out.
Bethany says
No guilt at all. Just a clearer picture of what has likely been happening with me. It helps me think objectively and rationally about my situation. Your words truly have given me an “a-ha” moment. The light bulb has switched on and there are so many things I can now see, that I hadn’t before. Divine grace at work. Thank you again.
Rachel Norman says
Bethany, praise God for that!
Elle says
I love this article! I was initially hesitant to read it when this popped up on my Pinterest feed. I grew up with a mentally ill mother who was (and is) often present but absent. Im now working on sorting out my own issues and this article was so positive and validating that parents have hard days/moments and how being real and apologizing and showing love is okay and important. I think it’s easy to lose perspective and think you’re the only parent EVER who has been annoyed and short tempered and although not ideal, how to cope with those emotions in as best a way as possible. Thank you.
Rachel Norman says
Elle, thank you so much! That was my goal, to show the dangers but to encourage, not use fear to drive our behavior. I know it must have been difficult for you and you’re so brave for coping with your emotions the best way possible! It’s all our kids can ask for :)
Martha says
I really enjoyed this. I too am in a situation where my husband is disabled and spends most of his time in bed. When he does venture out of the bedroom, its usually with a headache, so he is constantly telling the children to be quiet. I can sense that they resent him for this. I have three girls 9, 6, and 5. They have become “Mommy’s girls” because of this. He really feels bad that he is not able to do the things that he use to do with them and doesn’t understand why they don’t have much to do with him. I really think it is because he is the absent parent. I just don’t know how to fix it.
Rachel Norman says
Martha, I am so sorry for your difficult situation. You may be right in your guesses. I suppose an honest discussion with both parties might help them see why they are feeling what they feel? Maybe he doesn’t even see it?
Sarah says
Go to therapy with him. If he doesn’t want to change or go to therapy, there are other options. I grew up with absent parents and if my mom would of divorced my dad years ago I would of been so much better off not being exposed to his anger.
Amber says
Sweetheart, you are yhe present but absent parent and he is the absent parent. I am saying this out of great Love and knowledge. ❤
Sarah says
This is a great article and explains my parents exactly. They were not into yelling or hitting- were actually into the peace movement, “turn the other cheek.” I used to wonder what is wrong with me. They never said, and I mean never, “I love you,” or hugged. They would say we are “smart” but this just made me not want to take risks for showing I am not smart or that some things were hard. They would help people they were “good” and could not understand why I felt so lousy. Until I went to college, there I had a hard time and thankfully had an amazing therapist.
Also the fear of standing out is profound. I had a terrible time in school- terrible people skills- and that was one of the biggest. I was willing to fail rather then go through it. Same as in college. Even today, as an older adult, STILL can fall apart in certain situations.
Thank you for writing this.
Rachel Norman says
Sarah, I am so sorry for your experience growing up, girl, and I am so happy you found a therapist who could help you identify some of these things and find some healing. I truly pray your self-image and self-confidence change with each year. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story.
Alison says
Good article on a worthy topic! However I came across a phrase that I really can’t stand as it is.
“Those with low self worth will develop habits that are self fulfilling. For example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices THAT CAUSE others to use her…”
I know what you’re trying to say ( I think, I hope!) but you can’t cause others to behave well or poorly. This is a slippery slope to victim blaming. I think the phrase should read “allows others to” rather than cause as if they have no choice but to use somebody else! ( Hehe brings a funny mental image of somebody bewitched and not wanting to do something terrible but their hands are pulled that way by some unseen force lol) anyway sorry to nitpick but sometimes unwanted connotations can creep in and sully our well intentioned writings!
Rachel Norman says
Alison, you are too right of course. Everyone makes their own choices! A better way to say it might have been that the way we behave creates an impression that others use to determine what we will or will not do. Or, like you said, “allows others to.” And I am telling you right now, in case you were in doubt, that we must all take responsibility for our actions regardless if someone else encouraged them or not. Haha!
Chrisna Smith, South Africa says
Hello Rachel,
Thank you for the awesome topic. Our live as a family had many similar moments; my husband was a Pastor for almost 30 years and with that came his responsibility to be on call almost 24hours 7 days a week! It is strange how the very flock he tends to has difficulty to understand his responsibilities as family man. We have 3 sons and a daughter, all grown up now. The eldest son is married and they are expecting their 1st baby, the other 2 sons (not married yet) are in long-standing relationships. My daughter is divorced and has a little boy. The heartbreaking part is how I can see the damage done in my children with present but absent parenting and how much I wish I could turn back the clock knowing more now. I think the most difficult is to admit that we have failed in some way or another and try to find ways in which we can restore the broken pieces. It is not easy to discuss this with my daughter more so than with our sons, because where do you start without blaming each other in the process? She and the little one are living with us and we have come a long way in our relationship, but it is her relationship with her father that needs the most restoration. I just wish I could whisk a magic wand and everything would be okay“` May God bless you richly for your time & dedication. Many thanks.
Rachel Norman says
Chrisna, I am so sorry where this post has discouraged you :( Hopefully, though, it shined a light that might become an inroad for discussion with your kids? Ministry is such a fine balance, people are called and so passionate that it’s hard to know where to draw the line. Also, we can all only do the best we can do! I pray your family finds some peace, Chrisna.
silvia says
So, what if you were the present but absent parent, who lives with guilt!!!! Because you were barely surviving yourself. How do I make up for it or help her now. I was absent emotionally (after her father left), and we are pretty close now. But I hate what I did. I try to talk about it with her, but she won’t, she says it is in the past and it is okay. But NO it is not okay, I love her so much but was so broken, I felt destroyed like I couldn’t feel anything at the time, only pain. It happened, I can’t change it, but I still want to fix it. To help her be healthier emotionally (ya, and I caused it!) I don’t know how. She should hate me and I would totally understand or tell or blame or something, but she won’t. I know for what I was, I am responsible. My poor baby. Any ideas. I was very blessed to have had my parents co parenting who loved her more than I could express at the time. They were present and mine and her saving grace. Any suggestions how I can encourage her now. I have told her over and over it is okay to be angry at me. I failed her. We were very close before her dad left. It was like losing 2 parents for her. :( ….May God forgive me. And heal her, because it has to still hurt. It went on for about 4 or 5 years until I was better able to deal with my emotions and get over myself!!!! So angry at me!!!!! And tell her I tell wasn’t her fault it was mine. I loved her I was just so weak and broken I couldn’t show it.
Rachel Norman says
Silvia, bless you dear sister. What a warm and loving heart you have for your daughter. Life causes a lot of pain and sometimes we find ourselves in situations we simply cannot control. Such a blessing your daughter loves you and has forgiven you, I think you must learn to forgive yourself. You could write the incidents that come to mind where you were present but absent and share them with her in a letter? Tell her you aer so sorry – as you have done – but even if she offers you complete forgiveness.. which it looks like she is… you will still feel this huge burden of guilt until you can forgive yourself, Silvia. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Lee says
I’m a wife, a mom of three young men, (two of them are twins), and a Pre-K teacher. I’m with kids-morning, noon and night! I love writing and hope I can finally start writing in earnest. There aren’t enough hours in the day. I don’t know you personally, but love and admire you! Keep the faith, keep on mommying and keep on blogging! :-)
Rachel Norman says
Lee, thank you so much for your encouragement :)
Sarah says
I want to let others know the long term effects of being raised by parents who are not emotionally available or who are present but absent. I was raised by these types of parents. At a young age I started to have anger problems and when I was a teenager I would run away, drink a lot of alcohol and cling to my friends. I would live with other friends because their parents paid attention to me more than my actual parents did. I grew up with anger problems that carried over into adulthood. It was problematic in my relationships. I have also always have been extremely insecure and have low self-esteem. I became a drug addict for 3 years. These are just some of the things that can happen to your children if you are not willing to put forth the effort to be a good parent. It takes patience, love and so much more. I now have a 6 year old and have been through years of counseling just so I don’t make the same mistakes that my parents made. It is nice to have learned from all of that though, and know that I will never raise my child the way my parents raised me.
Rachel Norman says
Sarah, I am so sorry for what you went through in your childhood and so happy that you have managed to start a different way of life for your own family!
Hanun Soraya says
Thank you so much for this articles. I’m a 21 years old women who also have a present but absent parent. It is really hard growing up and even until now. Life just feel so overwhelming sometime and I often feel lost in alot of situation, 1 year ago I’ve droping out from college. I feel really guilty and insecured about it up until now but the feeling of doing something I have no interest and capability of is just too much for me. Now I try to follow my passion to become a fashion designer, but the fear of failing and the feeling of not good enough just gets in the way alot of the time. What should I do?
Rachel Norman says
There is a book on Amazon called healing for damaged emotions. I’d start there and see what opens up and which direction you want to turn. I’m so sorry that you went through that and pray you find healing!
WAHM says
What tips do you have for parents who work from home. Lots of ‘presence’ but work takes focus and a lot of “not right now.”
Rachel Norman says
Girl, I’m with you. I try to create windows that I work and they know it. Then other windows when I do not work and they know it. I also recently hired a mother’s helper two mornings a week so they are occupied and happy and some of that time I take a child individually and do things with them then let them back to playing. I find it easier to do work away when they know I can’t pay attention. Children don’t need us to stare in their face all day long, right, but it’s the guilt on me that’s hard to manage.
Brandy V says
Excellent post. I work with adults who often experienced this as children. I like how you balance and reassure parents who might think that a small misstep will be detrimental. I will say that many adults have trouble being present because of the dysregulation in their own nervous system.
Rachel Norman says
Brandy, I think also adults who are used to focusing on the computer, TV, work that is detailed like that, etc. they are just wanting a lot of zone out time. Makes it hard.
Jenny says
That is neglect…emotional neglect, and if you grew up this way you may not realize that you were missing out on essential things that children need to become healthy adults. Childhood emotional neglect has been shown to be just as bad as physical and sexual abuse.
Jean-Marie Devory says
I totally get this. I have 3 girls and I travel for work and I know it is hard on them but I do my best to be present and spend lots of quality time with them. Just recently my 11 year old and I started to write in a mom/daughter diary, it’s called “Just between us” and it’s a great way to share lots of things with each other that maybe she might not want to bring up in front of dad or her sisters. We are having so much fun with it! I hope that one day it will be a wonderful keepsake for her. Thanks for a great reminder!
Rachel Norman says
What an absolutely wonderful idea. Thank you so much for sharing that here!
Mumbi says
Please send me your free email series. Thanks and God bless you.
Rachel Norman says
Did you sign up for the series below?
Gosia says
Rachel I’d like to send you a private email. How can I email you please?
Rachel Norman says
amotherfarfromhome@gmail.com is my email :)
taz says
i was also raised in present and absent parent situation. My mother lost her mom to cancer at the age of 2 and my father lost his father at the age of 4. Both of them were some what broken when they started their family and unfortunately they never resolved their own issues. That created a big gap between us, children and them. I struggled all my childhood to understand this situation and now trying to break the cycle by being present for my boys. It is hard, very hard. I struggled on daily basis but i will keep fighting for them and their fulfilled and happy childhood.
Rachel Norman says
Taz, I’m so sorry for your past pain but think it’s amazing you are trying to take a different way with your own kids :)
Kim says
It is a good article also check this link:http://www.indiaparenting.com/raising-children/130_5668/effects-of-being-unhappy-too-busy-or-not-caring-for-children.html
Adriana says
great!
Kelly says
Hello, what a great article! Thank you! Could you put me on your mailing list if you have one?
Rachel Norman says
Hi Kelly, if you click the ‘click here’ at the bottom of the post it’ll pop up and you can sign up :)
PVR says
I am in my mid 20s, and my parents have always been present but absent and let me tell you. Somehow I finally accepted that I will never have a dad or be daddy’s little girl. But for some reason I can still not come to terms when it comes to mom . I often find myself drawn towards an older woman in hopes of having that kind of parental relationship and in most cases I end up being more hurt than I started off with. And for some reason I still keep putting myself in that situation, because I guess it’s something I can never accept that I won’t ever have mom to tell me she loves me or be my best friend or go shopping with me or sometimes someone to just go up to a hug.
Rachel Norman says
just read a book recently that says with our parenting wounds (where our parents fell short, abandoned or hurt us) we will *always* end up putting ourselves into tha tsituation again and again as an adult trying to somehow resolve the childhood wound. Until we grieve that pain and let those emotions out, we’ll end up “reenacting” what happened. :(
Saphron says
Thank you Rachel. Do you have tips on grieving and with self-compassion letting out these emotions. For me, this is one of the biggest/hardest pills I’ve ever needed to swallow and I don’t seem to be able to do it. I have anger inside me towards me with regards to not being able to integrate my intellectual awareness of the situation and the child within that still wonders what was so wrong with her that her own parents couldn’t love/care for her. I describe myself like an indoor plant: I was fed, watered and I had shelter. That’s it. Whenever I felt something or expressed a need I was told that I was wrong and I didn’t have that feeling/need. If that didn’t quieten me down, I was then reminded of how lucky I was to have two parents who fed me and gave me a good home. My parents were nice outside the home and I would cling to this, yet when we got home they switched off any/all interest. So like a doll the on/off switch was there. No friends were ever allowed. It was very lonely. But again, looking at my parents I feel guilt for thinking they didn’t care/show caring nor were kind. They also tell me that I’m ungrateful and weird. So I spend a lot of the day in confusion and self-doubt but at the same time I just feel unloved/uncared for. It is difficult. I don’t know if they’re aware of their own inability to show caring. They’re caring towards each other. From very young I was told that it was them against the world (including their children). It was odd/cold/confusing. Yet I was constantly told that I was wrong in anything I felt or expressed. If there are parents that are aware of their absenteeism in their childrens’ emotional development then I would implore you to show that to the outside world so that hopefully someone external can step in and rescue your children from you, or you admit honestly to your children what’s going on and that the best you can do is provide them a counsellor who will help them through their childhood. But back to my original question, how does one grieve and how does one let out these emotions in a healthy way?
Abby says
this was a great read for me. I’m currently a college student writing a research paper based on a case study, and the child I was given has ‘present but absent parents’ and your article gave me a much better understanding of what could be happening and the effects of what could happen to the child.
Thank you.
Rachel Norman says
Thanks, Abby, and good luck with that paper!
Amber says
I have a question and resonate with the whole article but have a question where you said “if a parent consistently meets their child’s needs”… towards the end of the article I don’t know if that was worded right or If i am just having a hard time interpreting it. Wondering if it means something like if the present but absent parent physically cares for them and continues to purchase these things for them or leads them down a path of self destruction such as drugs or cutting. Is this because of negative reinforcement on a non emotional level? I have had this all of my life and I will be 40 on Wednesday. I also have a 14 yr old. I am trying to put the pieces of my head and broken relationships back together. However, I think just by writing this out i have answered my own question. I guess I never would hAve admitted my material need for things has now gotten in the way. Thank you
Rachel Norman says
Glad you answered your own question!
Kelly Z says
I always knew that my sons father was there but not really there…he had 4 other kids before my son, and I don’t really think he was ready for another one. We were together for 5 years and had talked about it and he even said that this life was different from the one that he had back then, and that he would love to have a family with me. During my whole pregnancy I never really felt special, and after my son was born, he didn’t really seem too thrilled with taking part in taking care of him. As my son got older (he is 3 now), his father and I just fought all the time, he got to go out and have fun with his friends, work long hours just because, and never be home with us…when he was home he sat on the couch with his phone in his face or was too tired to play, or just simply fell asleep. It turned into not only a mentally abusive, but physically abusive relationship. I finally had enough and left this past February, and my son took it hard. Even though he never really “saw” daddy, he idolized him, well because he was his daddy. Now he is supposed to have him 2-3 days out of the week, and my poor son is lucky if he makes time to see him one of those days. When I ask him what he did at daddy’s house he always says that he played by himself, or daddy was with his girlfriend. My heart hurts for my little boy because he is just constantly looking for the love and approval from his father that he just never receives. Now that we are gone, he is not only an absent parent most of the time, but when he does see him he is still the present but not present parent that he was when we did live there. Its just not fair!
Eden says
My father is a teacher and its more of a lifestyle than a career for him. My parents are trying to get rid of everyone that cares about me and never consider my feelings. My mom is present absent and has been working a lot and watches TV when she is home. I have been anorexic for 3 years (recently recovered but going back to my old ways) and suffering from depression for 2 and a half years. My mom knows about it but doesnt seem to care. I need help. I don’t want to live anymore. I went to the school counsellor and it helped for a week. I have been forcing my way into my parents life but things keep getting worse.
Rachel Norman says
Eden, do you have any friends you can talk to? I highly recommend you go to this site and call. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
I can remember a time now when I thought I was going to lose my mind with anxiety. I called and was able to talk talk talk talk talk to a counselor via phone and I felt relief. It was a small thing, but for the moment it helped.
Please find someone you can trust who loves you.
parenting tips says
It is very nice article related to present and absent parent situation. You can explain it very well. As a parent i think to become a good parent is challenging job but thanks for this information which is very useful for us.
sarah says
This was lovely and just what I needed to read. I had a mother like this and was searching my emotions today to discover what this feeling is that I have and it is as a result of this kind of rejection. My mother married a man who had a daughter and I technically got replaced, although growing up I never saw it clearly but this rejecting behaviour has been consistent throughout. I understand from the things she shouted at me that she doesn’t care – subsequently understood the narcissitic behaviour behind it all. I was left with a feeling of loss – I lost my mother age 12 – so present but absent and although she is able to be loving and warm with others, me being a Christian has caused her some problems with controlling and her gossip/slanderous ways. I have always been forgiving and loving throughout. Honestly, I miss having a mother and I am a mother myself – so don’t want to become this kind of mother to my own daughter. So your words provide a gentle reminder and ways forward, which I am grateful for . Sarah
Rachel Norman says
Sarah, you have had quite a hard time and I wish I could give you a hug. What a gentle and loving mother to want to NOT pass on to your children what you experienced.
Space pirate says
Your post made me teary. Well written, inspirational post! It was like you were talking about my parents and myself. My parents are just like what u described as present but absent. I’m 19 and ever since I was born I remember them working for long hours, yelling at each other when they’re home. It really affects the child. Even though there were enough food on the table all the time, enough clothes , I went to private school for 11 years (here u have to study for 11 years in school, not 12) I just felt unloved, empty somehow, and as you stated in your post those children seek for approval and support from their friends, that’s exactly what I did, but its getting better as I’m growing up.
Its just so weird and amazing at the same time how every single word on your post relates to me the most. At the age of 6-13 I was this shy girl who thought I was not smart (even though I was one of the excellent students of my class), pretty (even though I caught boys taking a glimpse at me everywhere I go), just not meeting my parents expectation i felt. And then when I turned 14 I suddenly became over confident and arrogant girl because the friends I was hanging out with were not so good girls and my insecurity was getting worse, so to hide that I put on a fake mask, afraid that if I reveal my real self, my friends’d leave me.
And then when I got into a university at the age of 16, I was this shy girl again. I felt so alone, my parents are same as ever, criticising me never giving me those kind words, hugs, comparing me to other children, never having the talk. It sucks. Now I’m 19 and lately I find myself putting on that fake mask again, by appearing over confident, trying to look like I’m some powerful independent woman.
Sorry for the looong comment, but if any parent is reading this, please be honest and OPEN to your children. As u can see from my experience, you could win the battle, but consider you’ve lost to the war. Even though your child could be the top student of his/her class, but is it really his/her success, or your success? And if your husband is this hard working man who is rarely home like my dad, encourage him to take a break and go camping with your family once in a while, it really helps the family to bond.
Jessica says
Oh boy! Where do i even start? this..reading all this came too close to home. it is why at times like these i am so grateful for the internet because it can be such a powerful tool for others to come together, share their stories and gain some kind of healing or reassurance that there are others that were/are in their situation.
This is my story my parents were both immigrants from Trinidad the came here in the late 1980’s. Both of their parents they were not extremely close to so i think they just continued this cycle right down to my siblings and i. i have severe ptsd from events in my childhood. we were neglected and my parents couldn’t relate to us. may i dare say they did not know we were..if i ask any of them today what my favorite color is or my best friend they would not know. it just seemed that they did not take the time to really know who we were and they knew and till this day know very little about their adult children. growing up, it was always my fault, i could never do anything right, it seemed like instead of them taking responsibility or apologizing they would put the blame on me, my mom would always say i was disrespectful when i was not, we were never encouraged to speak our mind i was afraid to speak my mind because i was afraid i would get in trouble. to this day this has really affected me, i am an outgoing person and have good healthy relationships but i still lack that self esteem, i have tried to compensate for it by working hard, always staying busy and active doing more because i am afraid if i don’t do more and be the best i won’t be good enough. sometime when i analyze the situation, i wander if the culture difference had something to do with this, traditional parents raising children in America had to be completely different worlds.. i remember growing up i could never go to my parents privately and tell them what was on my mind due to fear i was afraid they would judge me or i would get in trouble for anything i said. i saw them as my parents but i never had that feeling most people may feel when they think about their parents. to me they are my parents because my mind tells me they are but my heart doesn’t feel a thing for them. it is truly sad, i feel guilty feeling this way but i know it is not my fault my parents did not raise as in an environment where we could feel loved. Today I stick around, visit, communicate with them by phone because i know that is the right thing to do and they are my assigned parents in this world. i feel like my siblings and i can try but we will never have that cozy feeling of home and love that is the norm. today i am married, working on being a licensed therapist and trying to cope with the sadness and pain of my past..its hard for me to call where my parents are home because i don’t feel the home feeling..home for me is where my husband and i are because in that sense he is my home so it wouldn’t really matter where we were. currently we are not planning on having family until the distant future God-willing, so for now, we will just get a couple of dogs to complete our home (for now). i know, something in me tells me i will be a great mom because i know what not to do. i have always been a loving and caring person and my husband sees it and always compliments me on how great i would be as a parent. i just pray i can completely heal from this and God will use me to be a great parent. i think counseling in the future will help when before we think about starting a family. my parents plan on going back to trinidad soon so i often worry that when we have kids they won’t be able to have a good close relationships with them this doesn’t surprise me as they did with us when we were younger. its a weird and strange feeling and sense of abandonment when your own family can’t be there for you or is not close to you emotionally. i see how close my husband is to his family and that is the only thing that makes me jealous to this day..they do video calls always support each other on Facebook, i just watch from the sidelines wishing things were different for me but i can’t wish, i can only work with what i have now and do better in the future. i ask God everyday to heal me and make me stronger. when i was studying to take my license therapy exam i told my mother many times when i was going to take it but it just seemed like it wasn’t too much of a big deal for her meanwhile this was a huge deal for me, my mother-in-law constantly asks me about this exam and she always tells me i will do well! i think it is very sad that my own mother can’t find a way to do this. it seems like my husbands’ parent know more about me and they show this by asking me questions about my life and encouraging me..that is something to be grateful for because i did not have that all my life.
i truly enjoyed reading everyone’s stories on here..sorry for the long text and thank you for listening.
Anohni Mus says
I come from a household with an absent but present parent. Your article spoke through both not only what I as a child felt and went through but what I later in life recognized was causing my bond with said parent to be an abnormal and lacking thing in my life. More people need to read this, it’s more than an article- it’s a set of tools that can be used to have a better result for issues your kid is set to deal with for the rest of their lives.
Greta says
Any book recommendations for a child (now young adult/college aged) who grew up in this setting?
Rachel Norman says
Perhaps emotional healing books? I know that’s a section on AMazon!
Kaitlin says
I was not able to find whereto sign up for this email series. I very much need it. If you see this please send me the information. Thank you so so so so much.
Rachel Norman says
Kaitlin, at the bottom of the post there’s a place that says ‘free email series’ and then there’s an image. do they both not show up?
Aruba says
Great post!
Kate says
I found your article as I searched answers for the reasons I’ve felt distant to my dad since about age 12. He came from extreme dysfunction and it followed him into his adulthood. He had a really bad and short temper. Sunday’s getting ready for church we’re always a screaming match. Anyways, reading this I can really identify but more so with my mother. She was never the comforting/nurturing type for as long as long as I can remember. She was ALWAYS busy on the house phone, she literally kept it in her shorts pocket. No hugs and only rare “I love you’s”. If I try to hug her now she says “get off me” a few seconds later. Now at 21 yrs old I realize that I understand why I’ve been craving attention/comfort from women for the past several years (not in a sexual way just a nurturing way) Not to mention I’m an only child and I long for an older sister to hug and talk about everything with. Any advice would be great.
Tuba says
Love the tips you have given. it is so helpful and eye-opener.
Uma says
I just found this article after an argument with my father.
He probably has PTSD after serving in the Bosnian War. He’s been diagnosed with everything from anxiety to depression. He’s one of the most intelligent people I know.
I can’t talk to him.
I’ve hidden from him, ran away, locked myself in my room and pushed my bed in front of my door. I’ve spent entire nights on the kitchen floor with coffee and him, listening to music and not saying a word. I’ve gotten a huge scholarship for university, two well-paying jobs, and essentially all but replaced him in terms of housework.
He called me down today to ask if he was absent from my life, in my sister’s and mother’s lives.
What do I say to that?
How do I tell you that I’ve packed my sister’s lunch more than you have? I’ve done more housework, more homework? Do you know that she doesn’t have a winter jacket yet? Do you know Mum had a meeting yesterday? Do you know I’m tired, so tired, I just want to tell you the truth without you pushing me down again?
Yes, Dad, you’re absent.
You’re so angry with me now.
And nothing I do can change that.
I’m sorry, Dad, but you’re absent.
Maybe I am, too. I never asked if you were okay enough to be here.
Maybe that’s why I’m not good enough.
WorkInProgress says
UMA, you ARE good enough! It is not your fault. Hurting people hurt people. A good counselor can help you find your way to thriving in live rather than surviving. I’m on that journey. I am over 40 years old, and I just now learned that I had parents who where there physically, but not there emotionally due to their own childhood wounds. I’ve heard that this can be the most damaging of absenteeism, as it is hard to detect. I learned to take care of myself and others at a very early age. I lost my childhood to an attempt to be perfect so no one got upset. I can’t be perfect. Trying to be good enough to heal my parents’ past wounds is not possible. I can now work on healing my wounds and hope that I won’t pass down as many wounds to my children. YOU ARE VALUABLE!
Louise says
What makes you the expert in this area? You are not degreed in Psychology nor have any credentials nor have you cited any of your research. I appreciate your a mom and wife, that I do, however you are writing factually when there is no evidence to support it and if there is, again it is not cited.
Anne-onedeterminedlife says
Man, I am so guilty on some of these, but I love that your advice is to have balance. It’s important for us to take care of ourselves but we can’t ignore the kids either. Thanks for sharing.
FamilyName Ends WithMe says
I’m 35, male, have owned a home for a 11 years, have ran a successful business for 11 also. Have a new gf, property, cars, trucks, motorcycles, you name it. I’ve always been the best in my field at any job I’ve ever had. I was a meat manager for a large grocery store chain when I was 24 and was always by far the youngest at the yearly meat managers(~100 guys) convention. I was always a starter when I played sports. Slightly above average looks wise.
Yada yada, but I cannot shake the feeling of not being good enough/worthless.
I’ve done quite a bit of research over the years as to why I’m like this and always had pretty good idea but this article really put it into perspective for me.
I grew up middle class with both my parents. Had a younger sister that was famous for her athletic ability. Father was a groundskeeper and mother was a nurse. Most looking in from the outside would say I was fortunate to have the childhood I did. My mom was kind and caring, great. My father played catch with me, helped me fix my cars, bikes, etc. Great right? Quit being such a wimp right?
I think it ruined me though….specifically the way my father treated me. He’s never shown me an ounce of affection. Never an “I love you” never a hug, nothing. I can think of only a small handful(less than 5 to be clear) of times in 35 years that he’s ever gave me an “atta boy” or a “good job”. All he’s ever expressed is quite the opposite. I was teased and belittled from a young age. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Ever. I got fake compliments from time to time where he’d say something nice but always with a follow up, “but you could have did it this way and it would have been better”. Name calling…..Pointdexter(I liked computers, he hated them) was probably his favorite.
As I entered highschool I quit playing sports. The pressure of everyone watching me, him included was too much. Place on top of that having a sister that was wildly successful in all sports and watching her receive praise from our dad was just too much. Even wrestling which I excelled at I veered away from(grew up hearing what a tough SOB my father was). I was always skinny which got me no praise but always super strong even out lifting(bench press) upperclassmen and my father while in highschool.
I got a job at a local grocery store and finally found something I was good at, working. I advanced through various positions and departments quickly. Excelling at anything I tried. Eventually landed in the meat department where I could out cut our regions(10 stores) fastest, best meat cutter by the time I was 18. Still, never an acknowledgement from who I wanted to hear one from though.
My father was always a hard worker. Not only that but he was smart and a great problem solver. He built the house I grew up in and could fabricate anything out of metal. I strived to be just like him but he never had the patience to teach me anything. I learned by helping him, all the while trying not to screw up or be in the way and to just plain keep up with him which was just not possible as a kid.
I did learn a lot from him. I too can fix anything mechanical, electrical, hands on stuff you name it. I feel I’ve even eclipsed the old man in this. Recently my father built a plow attachment for his tractor to be able to plow snow. His builds are always strong, simple and efficient. So I decided I’d build a plow attachment for my tractor to plow snow also. I legitimately needed one as well but deep down I really wanted to one up his “plow build”. I was going into the build with hopes that if I did a good job on it I may just get that ever elusive “atta boy”. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever fabricated due the added complexity I put into it. It turned out awesome though. Full of great features, above and beyond any tractor attachment he’s ever built. I’ve received so many compliments from people on it, amazement I could come up with such good ideas that worked so well. Even my uncle, my dads brother(welder fabricator also) told me how great the features were on it. My father on the other hand was uninterested for the most part. All I heard out of him while building it was “have you got it done yet, what’s taking so long?”. When I showed him the youtube video(god forbid he come see it in person) of it and how well it worked I thought for sure I’d hear something good out of him; some sort of approval. Let down again. :( If this wasn’t going to get me an atta boy I don’t think anything ever will and that is very hard to accept.
Sometimes I wonder if the work ethic and problem solving skills he instilled in me is worth the lack of self worth. I wonder if having no father would have been better than having one that ruined my self esteem and confidence.
Even though my business is successful I feel my talents are being wasted and I want to do something else. I’ve kind of peaked with what I’m doing and need more challenge, need more. I’m too afraid though, to make some big changes to do what I really want.
Future seems abysmal and uncertain. Stuck.
I just started seeing a much younger beautiful girl. As I begin to like her more and more, the more I’ve started to push her away. I just can’t see any sort of reason she’d be interested in me. She should be going for a doctor or a lawyer. I’m so worried I’ll let her down or take away her spark with my depression and negativity that I’ve began to push her away.
I hate the thought of her settling for me when she could do better.
I hate that not getting a few simple “atta boys” growing up has made it so I never feel quite good enough/insecure/unworthy in different aspects of my life. Maybe I’m just being a big baby about all of this and need to stop letting it bother me to the point of getting choked up or as my father would say when he’d see my eye’s welling up, “Awwww, let me see a tear”.
The thought of pushing everyone away, moving away and then going away help when I’m feeling really down about everything. Allows me to trudge on knowing I’ve got that at the very least as a way to stop the the thoughts. Not like I’ll ever have the balls to follow through so no need to worry.
Lost in MO says
Sadly this made me cry. My husband always said he wanted kids. He found out he cant have his own so he disregards my other 3 boys despite them desperately craving his attention, myself included. He was injured as well leaving him unable to hold a job. Everyday 24hrs a day he is playing video games on his phone, or watching youtube. I Feel like I am DROWNING all over again. I just wanted a partner who was present and loving of all of us. So lost right now
Rachel Norman says
Oh what heartbreak you are feeling. The exact thing you wanted isn’t happening in your own home! I’m so glad your boys have you!
Eliza says
Thank you so much for writing this article. I hope parents read this and take it to heart. It is so important to give your child this feeling of security in an uncertain world.
As a child with a parent who was like this, it can be a huge burden. My father was not/is not a monster, but he was selfish. He constantly chose hobbies / TV time and anything else to keep him from engaging with his children.
Even though many, many people say how amazing my mother is and they are mostly right, it doesn’t resolve the feelings a young child must feel when a father never hugs, says “I love you”, asks about your day, or shoes up for your birthday each year.
At 35 years of age, I’ve never been married and I don’t have kids. It want these things, but I may never have either one of them. It has taken me so many years to see these patterns. Before reading this article, I knew the patterns of behaviors I had linked back to those feelings I must’ve had all those years ago as a child.
Tearing a child’s self worth and self confidence down at a such a young age makes them very difficult to love by those that could love them correctly….
Love your children! Give them the attention they seek. There is nothing wrong with that from time to time.
Rachel Norman says
You are so right that it takes its toll. Eliza, I pray that you find peace and comfort and love in many ways throughout your life to make up for the lack you felt at such a young age!
Single but not single mom says
My husband and I have four kids. He is very much emotionally checked out. I am dedicating all of my free time to offset the effects of that but it doesn’t seem to be working. My 16 year old has anger and self-esteem issues. My 11 year old is engaging in risky behaviors such as seeking attention from boys online, my 9 year old is depressed and lonely, and my 7 year old has an unhealthy attachment to me and low self-confidence. I take them on hikes. I do bible study with them. I take them to after school activities. I am always available to talk and usually my evenings consist of them lining up for a chance to talk to me about what’s on their mind. They won’t even go to my husband anymore. He will be home with them and they will still text me questions or requests while I’m at work. I have tried to talk to my husband about this and no matter how I approach it, he takes it as a criticism that he’s not good enough and I’m a better parent than him. We have even tried counseling. I’m at a loss. I know this will affect our kids. It already is. I just can’t seem to get through to him. He shows no concern over their future. He isn’t involved in their daily lives. He barks orders at then without ever really teaching them anything. The only time he talks to them is when he is angry with them or is requesting something of them. How can I get him to see how much damage he is doing to them?
Rachel Norman says
Hi there, first let me say that you are a strong dedicated mom and your children are lucky to have you. Unfortunately, you cannot control what your husband says or does. You can set up boundaries on what you will allow to happen in your home or how you will react to it. You can, however, talk to your kids about exactly what they are going through. You might need to find counseling and ask for help from someone who is experienced in this as well. You can talk to your kids about how they feel when their dad acts this way. You can be HONEST and not sugar coat or walk on eggshells because they already know. Are there other male influences in their lives (like at church, coaches, etc.) that can help speak life int othem? And YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB, MOM.
Mark says
I’m a present-but-absent parent. I didn’t know this until one day – my wife said she is no longer in love with me. And the primary reason is me not always being here for my now teen child. This basically ended my world. I know I’m not perfect, but I thought I was “normal”. I had no idea I was essentially abusing my child. Being a good provider doesn’t mean you’re a good father as I found out.
To make matters worse, when I realized what I was doing, I tried to correct it. Unfortunately, you can’t undo years of neglect overnight. And by trying, I believe I unleashed a lot of repressed memories. Because just before that, we were still “happy”. We’d talk and we’d joke around, etc. But then when I tried to be more of a father – my teen closed up from me. I became a stressor in an already stressful time for him. He started to avoid me. Even sat me down and told me that I have no right to expect him to let me in. This eventually led him to make comments about hurting himself to his friends. My wife immediately checked him into a facility for evaluation. He was there for a few days. She was distraught and went to see him daily. But he made it clear that he didn’t want to see me. I can’t describe how helpless I felt. Albeit I’m sure he endured worse emotional pains due to my absence.
At this point – I don’t know what to do. I want to make amends. But it’s no longer up to me. It’s up to him to decide if he wants me back. I can’t tell you how painful this is. Not to mention my marriage will unlikely survive this. Simply because I was too selfish to realize what my child really needed. It took me a while to find this “term” and realize it’s not unique. But I hope more people are educated/made aware and don’t fail their child as I have.
Rachel Norman says
Mark, you are in such a difficult situation right now and hurting so much. And what’s worse, you didn’t even know you WERE an absent parent until your wife told you. And hearing about it with the news she was no longer in love must have been devastating on so many levels for you. It’s a testament to your willingness to make changes and do the things you didn’t do. And then, when you felt you were on the right track, your son somehow “saw what he’d missed” and it hurt him. So he’s acting out his hurt and your wife is hurt and you are hurt. Oh man! Are you able to go for counseling, marital counseling, full family counseling?