Do you feel like, as a busy mom, there’s not enough time in the day? I think this will help that. Also, this post is mainly geared towards stay-at-home moms (because that is what I am and it’s my perspective) so this may not resonate with working moms.
A few months ago I felt all the stresses of life and my responsibilities come to a head.
I had tons of household projects to do.
Lots of cleaning.
Lots of administrative things like appointments, etc.
Some work stuff to get done.
Oh, and all the million diaper changes and tantrums and fight break-ups and making dinner and, you know, grocery shopping and it was all Just Too Much.
I sat down in my room – okay fine I laid down dramatically on my bed like they do in the movies – and I tried to figure out what one earth was happening. WHY did it seem like the days were endlessly long and ran on forever and yet, somehow, I never got anything done.
Forget about getting ahead.
That’s for retired people and the childless.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
What's in this post...
You Are Probably The Same
I asked myself…
“Why do I feel so frantic about my to do list? Why do I feel like I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off? Why…. when I’m a stay at home mom… is our life not as slow as I’d like?”
And then I realized that – over the course of the past few years with watching babies and toddlers and then preschoolers, then more babies… that I had started viewing my day in a modern way previous generations would not have done.
I had started compartmentalizing my life into two areas:
- Compartment #1: Life when kids are awake and around
- Compartment #2: Life when kids are asleep or being watched by someone else
?????????????
Then it got worse.
On top of all that, I saw that I’d begun filing my responsibilities, tasks, activities, and hobbies all into ONE of the compartments. And, shock of all shocks, filing them into the compartment that had the fewest hours.
AND, to add insult to injury, I’d been feeling guilty if I did any Compartment #2 tasks in Compartment #1. So basically… I wasn’t getting done all I needed and was feeling like a bad mom when I tried.
Well, my my my.
No wonder I was strung out, frazzled, and exhausted. I’d bought into a Modern Mom Mindset that is totally anxiety inducing and unrealistic.
(Note: If you’re a working mom, you have a third compartment – while you’re at work!)
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreSo Let’s Look How This Plays Out
(This is part me, part hyperbole to make my point)
I decide that if I want any time to read my Bible, pray, read a novel, spend time alone, exercise, or have some peace and quiet then I need to get up before my kids.
Well, if the kids get up at 7 am (which is late for lots of kids, tbh) then that means I’ve got to get up at at least 6 a.m. to do these things. I read for a few minutes, do a Beachbody workout because I’d have to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym and that’s bananas, drink my cup of coffee and the day begins.
In one hour, I’ve checked off my frantic Self-Care. In fact, now my heart is kinda racing and the day’s only just begun.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Then from around 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. give or take, I get NOTHING done that needs to be done of an adult responsibility nature. I switch to Compartment 1: Mom Nurture Brain. I cuddle, sing, play, build LEGO, change diapers, break up fights, make snacks, make lunch, clean the kitchen, and try to be happy the whole time.
If I get frustrated and yell, I wallow in misery for at least 20 minutes.
1 p.m. comes which means nap time and now if I want to do any work, any chatting, any cleaning, organizing, or food prep then I gotta GET ON IT while they are asleep or in room time.
I do a few things, but feel tired and worn out and want to rest a bit.
This happens and then BAM everyone’s up and needs a snack and if I want to get anything else done now I need to stay in Compartment 2 which means cartoons or screens because obvs I can’t do food prep or office calls or organization while the kids are awake.
If you’re a working mom, you aren’t doing Child Compartment activities OR Household Compartment activities during the day.
Read: The Ultimate Guide To Having A Mother’s Helper You’ll Love
This Is When Things Start Going Haywire
After a few weeks, months, years of this something else starts happening.
- You become bitter because you don’t have time to get all the things done.
- You become resentful that no one is helping you do all the things.
- You become anxious that you’re a bad mom/wife/housekeeper/employee.
When you’re “supposed to be” playing or doing a Pinterest craft with the kids, all you can think about is how the floor needs a mopping.
And you wanted to write that thank you note, and there are some household maintenance projects that need doing…
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
When you’re supposed to be cleaning and organizing and Adulting you feel guilty that you were not a present attentive mother all day.
But you’re so tired at 8:30 p.m. and don’t feel like dealing with the garden and you didn’t sort all the laundry either and now your husband wants to spend time together, but really you’d rather take a bath and go to bed so now, you’re also a bad wife.
To Do Better, you begin endlessly listing all your character flaws:
Typical Modern Mom Character “Flaws”
- I’m not self-disciplined enough. If I was, I’d get up an hour earlier (even though I’m exhausted) and would spend the hours in the evening getting responsible things done instead of crashing.
- I’m not organized enough. If I was more organized, there wouldn’t be a mess and things would always look tidy with labels.
- I am selfish. The fact I want to have “me time” all the time means I’m not a good mom and I better buy a gratitude journal and write at least 15 lines a day of all the things I’m thankful for so that I don’t forget how blessed I am even though I’m on the verge of running away and leaving my bless-ed life to someone else.
- I’m not good at playing with the kids. The fact that I don’t like to sit endlessly and play games CREATED FOR CHILDREN means that I’m not playful enough and this’ll land the kids on a couch one day. They are getting good at Quiet Time.
- I am not a good housekeeper. Instead of admitting I just hate a dirty house, I try to convince myself I don’t mind by telling all the guests I don’t mind a messy house cause my kids are making memories.
- I’m not patient enough. I yell at the kids and they don’t deserve that even though they’ve drawn with marker all over their new furniture and have had a sour attitude for days so when they have misplaced their soccer cleats for the 5th time this week (because little kids can’t play sports without having as many practices as the NFL, amiright) I feel guilty I cannot calmly and patiently search the house for them.
We’re living in an unrealistic world of crazy expectations then beating myself up when we don’t meet them.
We Are On A Crazy Train
Of course we aren’t getting anything done when we save All Adult Responsibility for a few short hours a day (at the end of the day when we’re most exhausted) instead of weaving them throughout the whole day we’re home with the kids.
Or even – SHOCK AND AWE – having the kids work alongside us all day.
Or using late afternoons and early evenings to accomplish things that need doing.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
So What Can We Do?
To be honest, the biggest thing you can do is shift your mindset. As I was cleaning a while back I had this thought that’s worth mentioning…
➡️ Kids don’t learn responsibility and hard work if we’re only taking care of our responsibilities and hard work while they’re in bed.
Like kids don’t learn to clean by watching us cleaning (*then they are just learning to watch us clean), they learn by doing. They learn to sit in waiting rooms, to do tedious projects, to fold shirts, and to do whatever else by DOING.
How To Stop Compartmentalizing
1. Think about the world over
Start assuming that anything that needs to be done can be done at any time of the day and, if the kids are around, have them pitch in. You don’t need two compartments in your life. Imagine women all over the world – not just in America.
Some women walk hours a day for water.
Think they feel guilty they aren’t playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O?
Uh, no.
Of course, that isn’t our reality, but the point stands.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
2. Let go of the unrealistic thinking
As soon as I realized I had two compartments, I started working to combine them.
I started doing some of the projects that needed doing while the kids were all around. It was sometimes annoying and frustrating. It was at first chaotic as all get out and then has gradually become more orderly.
And a side effect is that an interesting thing has happened… they learned how to do some things.
They learned not to touch the paint and how to use screwdrivers and how to bake cakes and not to touch loose parts of bookshelves that need assembling and how to remove a doorknob with a drill and other things.
This makes it worth it.
3. Choose to stop the madness
You don’t have to fill your entire day from sun up to sundown, or later, with child related activities that prevent you from doing anything that you actually have to get done.
Resist the pressure to fill mornings, afternoons, and early evenings with child related activities. Instead focus on things you can all do together to build your family culture.
This looks different for every family, of course, but if all the child-compartmented activities squeeze the day out and you’re left with 1.5 hours a day to fulfill ALL of your responsibilities… this isn’t sustainable.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
4. Have “You Time” When The Kids Are Awake
Sometimes when you are craving “me time” you are really just wanting to be an adult who gets to do what she wants to do.
Not an unreasonable request seeing as how YOU ARE AN ADULT.
So while the kids are playing, read a book. If you want to get some coffee from a coffee shop, go. The kids will learn (by doing) to sit quietly in a public place. You don’t have to wait until everyone is being babysat or sleeping to enjoy life.
It will sometimes be very difficult and fights will break out and someone will fall or cry and you’ll be like WHAT’S THE POINT, but it gets easier.
The kids pick up on this.
They learn to let you be for a bit.
They learn to solve some of their own problems.
They really do.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
You Got This, Mama
This week I encourage you to do some Compartment #2 activities during Compartment #1 and see what happens.
It may feel stressful at first, some people might have tantrums, and you might even decide to pull the kids out of an activity that isn’t making family life better, but it’ll be worth it when you FINALLY get the kids in bed and your to do list is no longer a mile long.
Frequently Asked Questions
Toddlers are usually excited to see what mom is doing and want to join in. Of course, it takes longer to complete tasks this way but incorporating Compartment #2 activities during Compartment #1 while your kids are young is a great way to set the tone for this as they grow.
Moms are faced with more things to do than ever before, and often with less help from others outside the home. Operating within our limits to ensure that our priorities are taken care of first might mean that some things need to be vetoed to prevent mom burnout. Just remember, it’s a season.
When we are integrating our life by doing some Compartment #2 activities during Compartment #1 time, we often feel less overwhelmed because we are not trying to cram every adult responsibility into 1.5 hours. Instead, when something comes up, we can feel at peace knowing that there are plenty of hours in the day to things when we change our perspective.
::
Rachel…. you are amazing. Seriously. As a mum of three (6-2) thank you for this reminder ❤ x x x
Thank you so so much for this! Everything you wrote really resonates with me!
I appreciate you, and this! Needed to hear this today. Thank you!! ❤️
Thank you. Needed this.
Rachel, I love this post! The visual of all the things we try to cram into compartment #2 is so accurate and eye opening. Thanks for sharing!
Great read! I work full time so my weekends are used to do things around the house such as home improvement projects (that I love to do) and running errands. However, I know this isn’t healthy for me to cram all of this in. So I break my home improvement projects into mini sessions throughout the month to help me. Also, I’ve taken on ordering groceries online and picking them up rather than doing grocery shopping on Saturday’s now. It’s just a few ways I don’t overwhelm myself.
So… I feel like I do this, clean while my Kids are awake, make calls, go grocery shopping etc. However! Then I feel guilty because that is about ALL I’m doing. I feel guilty I’m not sitting in the floor playing games or reading books. I feel guilty I’m not taking them outside for a walk and watching them ride bikes. And I don’t make time for myself in there, because any time I have where I don’t feel I need to be doing something- well then, I’d better finally pay attention to my kids, right?!
Bridget, you are already doing all the things so maybe you want permission to NOT do all the things sometimes? TAKE IT!
How does this apply when you have a 6 mo old, your husband is gone for 14 hours a day, you are a stay at home mom and a start up entrepreneur with no family or consistent help ???!! HELP
I hear you! IT’S HARD. 6 month olds will just hvae to tag along, ha
I have no idea when this was written, but I feel like that’s me, too. I have the kid-focused tasks, and the adult/home-focused tasks, and I do those adult/home-focused tasks when the kids are around all the time. I always have. But then I have so much to do, now that they are 7.5yo, 6yo, and 3.5yo that the home tasks are all that I do and I have no time to just play with them and that makes me feel so guilty and disconnected. You say you give permission to let go of some of those home tasks, but that doesn’t make them go away. I still have to do them, and if I don’t do them today then it just gets worse tomorrow. And by time I do get to those tasks I’ve put off in favor of spending more present time with the kids or for myself, I’m so angry that I still have to do those home tasks that are now mountains of work. What do you do now? And this is WITH a husband at home, who is generally great, but still leaves the housework to me. I think he forgets that unlike his work and other home responsibilities (annually cleaning the garage, mowing the lawn in the summer, paying monthly bills, etc), maintaining the house and kids and my needs and my own part-time work is relentlessly endless and compounding.
It is an ongoing issue I always try to figure out how to work around. It is TOUHG to get all the things done, no way aroudn it. I do try to include the kids in helping me and that seems to work a bit :)
I could’ve written this myself but then add that i feel bad at the end of the day when the kids go to bed and I’d rather turn my brain off and mindlessly watch a show on TV instead of fool around with my husband… Cuz I’m burnt out and used up and the last thing I want to do is take care of someone else since Ive been doing that already all day with the house and cooking and a toddler…
Yessss. I understand that it is absolutely absurd the expectations put on us by ourselves, our spouses, and society in general in this modern time. But even knowing that, the guilt is still so real.
Rachel, you just get me. This was incredibly helpful. I know I can’t do ALL THE THINGS during naps and bedtime and yet I keep trying. Thank you for this life talk ???
Such a great article!!! It very accurately articulated many of my own thoughts and frustrations. With 5 kids 10 and under I often feel like I’m failing on all fronts. Longing to have a perspective shift this year.
This post is EXACTLY how I feel on most days with 4 kids, 3 months – 8 years old. I really like the tips and am going to have to try this out. Your blog has been so helpful to me over the years!
Yessss. I do adult chore things and take me time while the kids are around and it definitely helps the sanity levels. I could do better at having them join in projects/chores- my struggle is I get in task mode which is The Opposite of caring patient mama mode and I just want to getting things done asap, get out of the way kids! not show my toddler how to fold pants and deal with her frustration. It is better with my 5 year old but still challenging for me!
So, like, at what age does this usually sink in? I’ve definitely done some cleaning while my 2 year old daughter is awake and she does seem to like to help for a bit, but there is usually some sort of mom guilt associated that I need to work on. But when do kids generally start WANTING to play alone more? I know every kid is different, but you’ve had multiple, so is there a short answer?
I think no short answer and it does depend on the child. But just keep at it and the more they get used to it the more they are okay with it
Hi there,
I also have munchkins. My short answer is that boys catch on to independent play a lot faster than girls, especially with siblings.
My daughter is 5 and still would follow me around most of the day if it didn’t drive me bananas. I had to set boundaries and give her jobs to do along side me or on her own, suggest ways she can take care of her dolls or plop craft supplies down on the table and let her have at it (with added time before dinner for the clean up).
I find regular play dates with older children teach them different ways to play, which is basically what they’re asking of us when they want us to play with them, helps.
*I also have five munchkins
This is a great point and I’ll say my daughter also would like to be by my side too :)
This post was music to my ears! I feel like you have written word for word everything I have been feeling about being a stay at home mom. I became a stay at home mom July 2018 so I still feel like I’m still adjusting but I’m not adjusting properly because I feel like a failure at everything! Thank you for the this lightbulb moment and writing it so clearly and being so helpful.
Thank you for putting words to something I’ve felt building frustration for me lately! I recently (last week) had a stack of jeans I needed to get altered and was waiting for a time to do it without my almost 2 year old en tow. I almost got a friend to watch him but timing with her baby’s nap didn’t work out so finally something clicked. I had a few minutes before we were going to meet my husband for dinner and I just went for it. I brought my toddler and 5 pairs of jeans to the alterations shop. Set him in the room with a bag of smart pop And he did great! It was eye opening for me. The seamstress loved him and he got to meet her sweet dog! Besides the spilled popcorn that the seamstress sweetly cleaned for me, it was easy and I felt accomplished!
It’s interesting the unintended consequences that can come from us wanting to be so present in our child’s life that we lose focus on how to live our own. When really that’s what they need to see! Don’t get me wrong, my son doesn’t need to come to the nail salon with me, but he sure can do a lot more than I give him credit for. And in the end I’m not trying to leave the house every time my husband gets home.
Sometimes it feel like you’re the only person that gets me. Thank you so much for writing down exactly what is going on in my head. This blog is awesome!
:)
Hey Rachel, thanks for this timely post.
I was feeling like exactly this today. I kept wondering, How did my grandma or my own mom do decades ago, without electricity or electrical appliances or YouTube how-to videos or online shopping? (and they had waay more kids than I do now) How do other women do if I’m drowning in tasks and guilt, are they also experiencing the same thing or worse? Is this a 21st century thing? In fact my SO raised the same question : how did people in the past do? Are we doing something fundamentally wrong here?
I realised that the more we have in terms of what helps us save time and energy (drive thrus at supermarkets, robot vacuum cleaners and those all in one baby food mixers), the more we get a false sense that since we managed to squeeze out more time, then we can afford to add more tasks to our to-do list. And in the end, when we save 10 minutes, we end up adding 2 hours’ worth of new tasks – imagine this going on for months and years. Obviously it’s unsustainable and driving us nuts and making us feel like failures when we’re in fact already doing way more than what people do in the previous generations.
Your post resonated with me because that’s exactly how I feel. I should not be replying emails or dealing with the bills when my LO is awake and staring at me with an accusatory how-dare-you-ignore-me glare. I feel like i should be reading, singing, playing etc on top of feeding, changing (the bare minimum basics). Every night at bedtime I felt crushing guilt for choosing laundry over reading or vacuuming over an extra cuddle, but I can’t exactly let the house slide into squalor, can I? So I’m going to take a deep breath and tackle it like you suggested… Doing the adult stuff while LO is awake and try to keep everything in balance. Everything in its own time.
Cheers,
J
Hallelujah yes! This resonates with me! I will be mixing the compartments and seeing what happens. Bless you for writing this, this is now a light bulb moment for me!!
Hi Rachel,
Thanks so much for this post, it is golden!! I’m a stay at home mum in Australia, and I have been in this compartmentalised brain for almost all 4 1/2 years of parenting! What always amazes me is how much the kids rise to the occasion when we expect more of them. Recently I was bed-bound due to a flu, and my husband had to still work all day, though he did so from home to be an extra pair of eyes and ears. I could hardly believe it but my kids started to use their imagination like never before! They HAD to think for themselves, sort out their own squabbles, and play together. And wonder if wonders they did! My girls are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2yrs old. I’m slowly learning to get them alongside working with me, and they love it!
This could not have come at a better time! I just had the same meltdown today and read this and thought me me and me again! Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear!!!
Brilliant concept. Especially as a working mother, my time is squished for all things family and home. And the pressure is high when we’re together. I’m ready to try putting compartment 2 items in compartment 1!
This post spoke to me! I am a mom of four under the age of three : a (just turned) 3 year old, 18 month old twins and a 4 month old.
I relate so much to this post because I am totally that mom who feels stressed, overwhelmed and guilty all of the time even though there is no time for me. I’m glad to read I am not alone.
How did do you tackle bedtime? I struggle with getting my infant down for the night without him being over tired amahikexalsi feeling like my toddlers are getting a calm and routine that is not rushed.
Wonderful read, thank you. I am generally so exhausted at the end of the day that the things I need to do still don’t get done and then it all just piles up more and more each day so that I just feel completely overwhelmed. I do try to do things while my girls are awake, but admittedly it can be very difficult with a “needy” 3 month old. I do have to partly just accept the fact that I can’t have much me time and that my responsibilities won’t all get done for now while the littlest girl needs me. It won’t last forever though, and when the time comes that my babes can help me, you can bet that I’ll be having them lend a hand when they can! But until then, I’ll just do what I can and spend the rest of the time playing lego on the floor with the toddler and blowing raspberries on the little ones tummy in an attempt to get a giggle out of her. :)
This resonates with me more than you could know and was just the affirmation I needed! Thank you ???
Thank you so much Rachel for this! I have definitely been compartmentalizing my day and feeling guilty for not getting things done, but also feeling guilty for doing chores while my daughter is awake. It’s even harder when my 3 year old daughter cries when I clean, because then i really feel like a bad mom who should be playing with her. This post makes me feel better and gives me hope that it’s ok do some chores throughout the day.
Yes!!! I’ve been doing a bit of this, although I wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. The #1 thing I moved and started doing while the kids are awake….showering. It is so freeing. They used to come find me and I’d get to “shower with an audience” but that wore off and now they leave me alone. At least, until I’m out and trying to get dressed!
I love that list of ways we tell ourselves we are failing. I am all too familiar with it. How great to read it and realize how untrue it is.
Thanks for posting, Rachel!
This is me to a T. Thank you.
Loved this post Rachael! Thank you for your thoughts.
Guilty as charged! But I have a toddler and a baby and it seems like I can just barely get the basics done (like cleaning the floors for crawling and cooking a meal from scratch—because budget) before somebody needs a diaper change or feeding or has a potty accident or decides to coat herself and her baby brother in diaper cream. It’s hard to focus! ;)
Rachel, you are a life saver. I always come away from your page with reassurance and new insights. Thank you and keep up the good work.
Bunmi, mum of twins and one
Thank you so much for this blog. It’s been so insightful and I really value your perspective. I’m so glad for this space. I feel like I’m subscribing to modernist expectations of motherhood. Like doing everything and being ever thing. This blog really helps me think in a different direction.
Wow Mum guilt is horrible! I look over at the kitchen, its a mess…so is everything else then i feel bad for letting little one play alone for a whilst driving myself crazy trying to be everything to everyone-impossible! Thank you for such a lovely post and a reminder to be a little kinder to ourselves ?
Huh. Well. I’ve been telling my husband off for not sufficiently stimulating our LO if he does chores around the house while he’s watching him and I’m at work. But who is the only one who actually gets anything done during the day and keeps our house running smoothly?! Not me that’s for sure. Maybe I need to (secretly) back pedal and think about this differently. Thank you.
Gemma, if it’s working for you then you don’t need to think differently! Only if something is NOT working for you!
Wow! IF I had a daily journal, and IF I actually had the to write in it, and IF someone were to read it: it would say exactly everything in this blog. Today, I am going to start a shift of mindset! Thank you for your insight. It is most helpful. Now excuse me while I teach my 2 and 3 year olds how to help me fold socks while my 7 month old sleeps. ?
I feel the same. It’s exactly what it’s happening to me. I’m a working mum (new work since I got pregnant) at home with my new baby (soon a toddler almost one year!) And my life has been a disaster since then. My baby is a blessing but it has been the most difficult and tired year of my life and I keep a long list of To Do’s and I have been with a lot of anxiety attacks due to feeling overwhelmed. We’ve just moved home recently and it feels I will never get all the house organized. I still don’t know where few things go and our house it’s really a mess… I really love my husband and my little girl but many days I don’t know how to carry on. Only God helps me. And I only have one baby! I can’t imagine with 5… Hope to fix everything round… But still I would love to have more babies… I must be crazy.
This really resonates with me , even though i have a full time job. The guilt is present in everything that i do. When i pick my son up from daycare and all he wants to do is play outside (in the snow or the sun depending on the time of year), but i’m so rushed to get inside and start supper = guilt. Then i let him watch a little TV = guilt. Once he’s in bed, I then i try to do EVERYTHING… but i can’t = guilt. All i want to do is go to bed at 8pm because i’m so tired = guilt.
It’s ridiculous and not a healthy way to live. On weekends i will try your method of combining the 2 compartments together, because there are so many errands/chores that need to be done and i always feel like a failure that i can’t fit them in during his nap. But it’s unsustainable…
This post blessed me so much!!! I’ve recently begun to combine the two compartments, yet felt guilty. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.?
Rachel, such a brilliant way to reset our thinking! I’m a stay at home Mom with 1 teen at home & oldest at college. So I have more disposable time than many of the blessed moms.
But I had to overocme a 3rd compartment… things to be done before husband was home. I used to feel guilty if the house wasn’t clean, laundry done, etc. before he got home. his was stressful and depressing.
So I shifted and did things requiring focus & no interruptions) (Bible study, exercise, volunteer admin.) when family was away & when my brain wasn’t fried!
I do “interruptable” takss – laundry/cleaning when they are home. It helped a LOT in reducing stress & was satisfying to do things I enjoy like exercise.
Still spend time with them but don’t feel so restricted.
Thank you!
I love it.
I made clothes sorting a game. Dump all the clean dry clothes on the floor and everyone took turns throwing everybody else’s clothes at them until we all had our piles. Then we took them to our rooms. Now my 3 kids were over 3, but it saved me a lot of time, and was fun!! Their stuff was a little wrinkled when they jammed it into their drawers, but they learned eventually to fold.
Omg Yes!!! FINALLY a post that doesn’t make me feel worse by saying “let things go and enjoy them, they’re only this little once”. Ugh, a breath of fresh air!!! So so true! I’ve been doing exactly what you talk about, bringing my“compartments” together and its so much better this way. I used to separate the two and would have anxiety at how I wasn’t getting anything done throughout the day! This works so much better! Great read!
I like how you separate the tasks into two different groups. And great ideas for incorporating kids into the daily routine. Love that yoga photo! I’m all for playful, positive parenting. Thanks for sharing these specific tips.
This is so good. And true. And helpful!
This is a great post! I laughed so many times because it’s all so true! Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to compartmentalize everything. As a new mom, I have struggled with guilt over not spending every possible moment with my son, but then I get anxious over all the housework when I leave it undone. Now, to add to the craziness, I am trying to start blogging and freelance writing! It is just not possible to do everything when my son is asleep, and I appreciate your refreshing idea that I can get things done while he is awake. I also really like your idea of having him help me with the chores. That is definitely something to keep in mind as he gets a bit older!
Wow. I feel like I just read what the 5 years from now me would be telling myself right now. Thank you.
I’m a textbook type A, ex military (non-U.S. military), logistics major, half of an engineer (dropped out of that program), used to work as a security dispatcher (think the private sector equivalent to 911), and am used to barking orders and people obeying very swiftly. Having little people to raise really makes all that fall apart and make you feel like a failure until you let go of your preconceived notions about parenthood, and get a grip from a renewed point of view.
To me, the realization that all kids simply don’t go down at the same time with their siblings at night yet because of their ages means I don’t always get to have “me” time completely without kids at all has helped. Now if I want a bath or a shower, my almost five year old oldest can build her projects in Minecraft on the computer while her brothers nap, and I’ll go take the “me time” I need for self care, knowing that the big sister will come fetch me if the “babies” wake up ahead of their average schedule. Tonight, I opted to leave the kitchen a complete war zone to get that extra hour of sleep (and drifted over here to type this comment, oops). It’s been a rough week, and our routine was thrown out of order by a big event that required us to stay at a hotel in another town so we didn’t need to try to beat rush hour traffic to get to an appointment with three kids dressed in their finest a few nights ago.
During daytime when the kids are up, though, it has finally sunk in that the infamous “Someone Else” doesn’t magically come to do MY chores, so I for example tend to clean the kitchen (round #1, I need to wash at least 2 dishwasher loads to keep up with maintenance level) while the kettle of water for morning coffee is on the stove. Dinner goes in the crock pot, or marinade, or out of the freezer into a bowl of water to thaw during the little kids’ naptime, and gardening gets snuck in early morning before Daddy goes to work, or late at night after he’s come home. I don’t leave a task undone if I have some time, and the kids are cooperating. It’s hard work at first, but when it becomes a habit, there’s less to be overwhelmed by or regret later in the day.
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
Only wrote your name three times because you really nailed it. All of it.
Now, how much cooperation with this plan can I expect from my 3 year-old and ONE year-old? :/
Still gonna give it a crack!
Hey Rachel,
I needed to hear this about prioritising my time and activities etc. Iv felt like such a failure tackling a new baby, my 13 yr old, trying to remember how to be a Mum agai, tackling depression and anxiety and all the housework. I feel I’m failing in all areas and even had an argument with my partner over housework and he made me feel even worse about it all. I’m gonna try and rethink how I do my day so I can still bake and cook and clean. ❤️?
Thanks for sharing your story. I feel as well I do fail at my housework and getting things done. Being down on yourself is the worse thing we can do for ourselves but hurts more when someone we love doesn’t see us trying. I find it harder to get motivated to do other things knowing it’s just going to mess up anyway mindset is not one I’m use to having and quickly try to get out off. I think having high expectations of ourselves is a blessing and a curse. I’m an avid lifelong learner that’s always trying to improve myself for the better and spread the love to others. I think being the only women in the house of 4 boys and king can make a queen go crazy sometimes. I do believe it is all in the mindset. Thanks again for the reminder.
I completely don’t relate to or understand the concept of only doing things around the house etc. when the kids are asleep. I’ve always done all my housework and other errands not only when the kids are awake but I’ve also always involved them from a young age!! I can’t believe mums out there devote every minute of their children’s waking hours to the children and not to other things they need to get done.
Tasha, then you are LIGHT YEARS AHEAD of some and your kids will totally gain so much from watching you and joining in :). Love that you don’t have any guilt!
This is great advice for stay at home moms, but what about working moms that get up early, get kids ready and drop off at school/daycare, commute to work, work 8-9 hours, come home at 6 or 7 to do the cooking, prep for next day, homework help/check, take kids to afterschool activities, try to clean and do homework, pay Bill’s, etc? Any advice for us?
Hi Jess, great point and you’re so right… it’s definitely a different dynamic because you essentially HAVE to get all those extra things done after they’ve in bed because there’s no other time to do it!
100% this! It’s like you’re in my head. Thank you for this!!
This is the first article of your blog that I have read. The thoughts you have penned is so realistic and I could easily relate to it. Being a mother of twin toddler boys, I lately realized that even I have these two compartments and I need to involve my kids in my daily activities. I am really impressed by this article simple yet so true. Looking forward to reading and following your other articles.
just brilliant – wow that is a game changed thank you. now i just need to push the guilty mamma sensation away. you are 100% right – i don’t recall my Mum playing with me all day every day – a short story, on an update on my imaginary games and alot of “find something to do or i will find something for you”, which always looked like chores. to this date I am almost never bored and i enjoy my own company! thanks very much – less is definitely more as i do the budget at 11 at night.
How do I balance this with your articles on hiring help (a mothers helper)? I have read your blog for years and it has taught me to encourage independence in my kids as well as responsibility (chores, responsibilities) but I’m hitting a brick wall in being able to get everything done while maintaining my sanity. When do I hire help and what things do I delegate while trying to foster independence and responsibility. I have four kids ages 7 to 1 and we homeschool. I have not been able to keep up the managerial aspects of my home nor take good care of myself. I feel like I need to get out of the rut in thinking “I’ll just give the kids more chores or more independent time” because I feel we are at a max and I’m not spending much quality time with them since I have been doing most all of my work while kids are awake. This ends up looking like me getting extremely frustrated with interruptions or nagging them about their chores (I know this isn’t the best way to handle this). I am an extremely introverted person who craves peace and quiet, so I’ve always used nap time (and you’ve taught me to get them to all lay down at the same time) to nap and read. Thus, I’m not getting anything done at those times. I’m feeling very depressed because of my lack of progress on some important personal projects I’ve been working on for years, as well as the house generally being out of control. Help!
I’d def try mother’s helper, if you’re in a homeschool co-op then there will be some teenager maybe who can come over. I’d definitely try to get more hands to help out!
I feel this, but I’m in the terrible position of being a working mom who works from home and also does stay at home mom work. I have 3 “compartments” that are all intermingled and all I feel is guilt. A bad employee because I spend half my paid work hours pretending to work but actually doing home stuff, a bad mom for ignoring my child for stretches of time to do work (and losing my cool if she touches my work computer to get my attention), a bad adult for having a never-clean house, a bad wife for seeing my husband at most 30-60 minutes a day and just going straight to bed. Ugh.
I know the “solution” is daycare but it’s incredibly expensive and I love nothing more than being with my kid. It’s the most fulfilling part of my life. Just ugh. :(
Sara, I know all those feelings too. Feeling not quite sahm, not quite wahm, not quite working mom, but SOMEHOW ALL 3!
You said it perfectly! I found your post at the right time. Thanks!!
I like these ideas. But was wondering if you have any posts about how to keep toddlers busy. I’d like to try to implement these ideas, but not sure how to keep my two year old out of everything in the house while doing other tasks.
Thank you! Laying on the bed dramaticly over here… the 2 and 4 year old is in their bedroom watching tv and the 4 month old is napping and I’m at 2pm just so overwhelmed. I am a stay at home mom who doesn’t have any close mom friends to relate to or vent to. I hate venting to my husband, although i love him dearly. Thank you for the virtual comfort words. I appreciate it!
I don’t read mom blogs as a stay at home mom because they stress me out more than they help, but this. Holy sh*t. You nailed it. Everything I was feeling, and do feel, when I sit down and finally google stay at home mom-ing because I’m overwhelmed, filled with guilt, and binge watching Disney+ with my 2 year old because I just start to feel like I’m failing in every area of life.
I bookmarked this post so I can read it again. Thank you for writing this.
I feel so seen. It’s like you’re reading my mind. So many times I’ve had all these exact same feelings and struggles and then thought, “what is wrong with me? Why am I so bad at this?” To see someone else articulate the exact thoughts and feelings and struggles I’m having… I can’t tell you how reassuring that is.
nice