If you’ve asked yourself, “Why am I an angry mom?” then keep reading. Moms often find themselves frustrated or yelling and out of control and feel alone. They can feel they’re the only ones struggling with anger. But anger often covers other things and is triggered by a few super common family life factors. When you address these triggers you’ll feel less angry, less ragey, and like a more calm nonchalant mom.
It was a day much like any other.
Loud. Stimulating. Demanding.
My preschooler didn’t want to go to bed and was whining with a piercing moan. My toddler was proclaiming he wanted more juice at 90 decibels.
And my baby needed feeding and was crying with a grating cry only a baby can do.
All this built up into a cacophony of clanging symbols in my head as I felt my brain expanding to a break point. One of my biggest parenting triggers showed its ugly head.
Then, in a loud thunderous voice, I screamed…
“Everybody just SHUT UP for goodness sake!”
What's in this post...
Oh dear…
Then, in completely shock, I stared down at the kids. They were staring back at me and then – in a split second – they all started crying.
Loud anguished tears.
I sat down on the floor by them and we all cried together.
Oh… to be a fly on the wall of that moment.
I never considered myself an angry person.
I also never considered myself a “baby” person and here I have 5 kids.
So… there’s that.
Since becoming a mom I have come face to face with my temper. I’d like to blame my red hair, but I have to be honest with myself here.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
There are certain behaviors and circumstances that give rise to my anger and it’s something I consistently must guard in our home. Why?
A) because I don’t want my kids to remember me as being mean and angry
2) because having a mean and angry mom will give your kids issues.
D) and because it’s just plain and simple no fun to be in a bad mood.
A, 2, D… know what movie that is? Anyway…
Here are 5 common reasons you’re an angry mom.
This isn’t exhaustive, but it hits the big ones.
Read: Mom Morning Routines That Bring Sanity & Order To Your Days
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn More1. You take things personally
For some irrational reason, we moms tend to take disobedience a personal insult. I say do this, they do that, and I want to get offended at their audacity.
Then I remind myself they are children.
They intuitively want to please their parents but they don’t intuitively know how.
Unless you want to be nuts all day and night, you cannot take their behavior and choices personally.
When your anger rises after a particular situation, and before you pounce, take a minute to think about the root of your anger.
Are you mad simply because they didn’t do what you said?
Calm down and remember, it’s consistency, discipline, and training that brings about your desired results, not their fear of your angry outbursts.
Read: How To Not Take Your Child’s Behavior Personally
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
2. Your expectations need adjusting
It’s hard to know what to rightfully expect as mothers.
You don’t want to low ball or high ball the kids by expecting what they can’t deliver or not expecting what they should.
This is a work in progress that needs regular tweaking, but if you are expecting your 3-year-old to act like a 6-year-old then you’ll get angry.
Yesterday, I was feeling completely wiped out. I was laying down feeding my 5 week old (which I like to do when I’m trying to rest a bit) and he stopped nursing because he needed to be burped.
Without even thinking I sat up and said…
“These kids can’t do anything for themselves!”
Ha. Then I laughed at myself and hugged and cuddled and burped my baby and realized I needed to get a grip and some expectation tweaking with all my kids.
Read: My “Daily Escape” to a Quiet Place & Why It’s Necessary
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreExpectations matter…
I should expect obedience, but not 100% obedience.
I can expect a good attitude, but not if I’m a sourpuss all day.
Read: It’s Official… Too Many Rules Make For Tired & Angry Parents
3. You’re empty and need a recharge
Motherhood calls for a lot of sacrifice, but I don’t think sanity is one of the things we should sacrifice. There are certain things we must do just because we must.
However, we should attempt to include in our day time to ourselves where at all possible.
If you are empty and have nothing to give – yet still continue giving – what you’re giving is not a gift.
If you’re feeling like a perpetual angry mom, you likely need to take some time alone. Get your husband to watch the kids or another family member. Put them all to bed early and do something that helps you relax or recharge. If you can manage, go on a mommy vacation for a weekend.
If not, sit down with a pencil and brainstorm ways you can get what you need to stay sane.
Start or continue some hobbies.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
4. You’ve let things get out of control and need a reset
It hurts me to type this, but most of our children’s behavior is a result of our own parenting strategies. Not all, obviously, because they have their own free will.
However, if we are lax, too strict, or inconsistent their free will causes them to do things that aren’t desirable.
It’s perfectly normal we find a good system, go on autopilot, and then realize our system needs some tweaking.
If your home atmosphere seems to be getting out of control I’d suggest hitting the reset button.
Your Overcoming Overwhelm Guide will help take you from practical, emotional, and spiritual overwhelm to a place of more peace and calm, regardless of whether your circumstances change.
Learn MoreHow to hit the reset button
- Be over the top consistent.
- Evaluate your expectations (#2) then explain over and over again what you expect from them.
- Explain over and over again what will happen if they don’t do what you expect.
It’ll be tedious for a week, but you should expect to see a return to normal and pleasant behavior within a short period of time. It’s all about big picture thinking.
Read: Mom Burnout — A Hard But Freeing Truth
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
5. You’re stressed and need an outlet
When I’m stressed and have not processed it well, I become a short-tempered person.
Every little stupid thing ticks me off.
Whether your outlet is some type of hobby (crafty or non-crafty) or sport, find some way to let out your frustration in other ways than exploding with your kids.
Also, if you are habitually stressed it may be time to do some more extreme measures like counseling or anger management activities.
Are you keeping your boundaries?
Or even putting firm boundaries in relationships, at work, or in areas that are out of your control.
You may not be able to control the circumstances that cause you stress, but your children shouldn’t suffer for it.
Perhaps you need to cut back on commitments, slow down, and re-evaluate your priorities.
Even if something drastic must be done, you will be glad you did something when you’re able to finish a day without having lost it!
Read: How to be a calm mom when you feel anything but
Your Overcoming Overwhelm Guide will help take you from practical, emotional, and spiritual overwhelm to a place of more peace and calm, regardless of whether your circumstances change.
Learn More
But back to that screaming moment…
We all sat there on the floor crying and then, after a bit, I started laughing. Amazingly enough, they started laughing too. “I’m so sorry, kids,” I said.
“We sowwy too, mama!” they said, as they hugged and kissed me.
….
So… while it’s normal to get angry, we should be able to manage it.
While our kids do need to understand their actions have consequences, we don’t need to explode on them.
And instead of just trying not to yell, remember: anger is not the issue, a deeper issue is the issue.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Angry Mom And Yelling FAQ
“I will go into the store carrying my sleeping baby while asking my 3 year old to help with getting out a shopping cart. This is difficult for him because he is only 3 but it makes me so angry that he doesn’t do it right and I say mean things to him. Thank you for your tips because the guilt I feel for ruining my son’s life through anger is killing me.”
The truth is we all have different triggers that make mom life hard for us.
You want him to do things the correct way and you likely *had* to do things right or you’d get in trouble. Or something undesirable would happen.
Our anger is usually less about what’s happening in our environment, and more about what we think about that.
Mom guilt is so common along with anger and yelling. You are only human and if you work to repeat the damage done during the yelling, and work on your triggers, you will see the relationship connection strengthen.
“These kids can’t do anything for themselves!” ha. I actually said to my then-one-year-old “why are you acting like a child?”
One year later I still feel ashamed.
This is a huge contributor to staying in the angry mom cycle. We’ve all been there.
When we lose our temper and yell or say things we regret, guilt sets in. We don’t like that we said that and don’t want to say it again.
Instead of simply asking forgiveness, and repairing the relationship, we stew in our own discouragement.
We tell ourselves we are hopeless and it’ll never change, and this just makes us more angry.
Compassion towards ourselves along with working on our triggers is how we’ll become the moms we want to be.
Another good one…
“What should I do if I just yelled at my child?”
If you’ve just yelled at your child and are sorry about it, the best thing you can do is to calm down a little, then have a talk.
Explain to child the reason you yelled. This isn’t making excuses, it’s teaching your child how people react in the real world. You might say, “I asked you to do something 12 times and you didn’t do it. I get mad when rules are broken.”
This is honest and forthright.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Apologize that you weren’t able to keep your anger in, and say you’ll try better next time. You are only human. Modeling reparation is one of the most important things you can do for children.
One more…
I have so much guilt for yelling at my kids that I tend to mope around or give them anything they want to help make up for it. How do I get out of this cycle?
Give yourself grace, mama. We all mess up and some days are harder than others. Remember that feeling guilty after yelling at your kids shows your commitment to their well-being. While outbursts happen, making efforts to apologize, finding an outlet or creating a self-care routine, and working on healthier communication can contribute to a more positive parent-child relationship.
This post hit way too close to home. Anger in motherhood is definitely something that I struggle with and it has taken be completely by surprise. I am (slowly) learning to be more intentional about my reactions and not sinning in my anger (Ephesians 4:26). Thank you for the encouragement and tips! I shared on Facebook. Have a wonderful day!
Missy
Thanks so much, Missy. I am with you, I didn’t think I was angry until a few months in to motherhood. Ha. It’s a battle, but one worth fighting for sure. I’m going to go check out your site now :)
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you. I think our home is due for a reset.
Praying it’s a great week of resetting, Kelli!
Wise words, Rachel! I just came across this post on pinterest. I don’t think of myself as particularly angry, but motherhood is DEFINITELY agitating for me. :) I loved these reminders about how to get to the root of it, so that I don’t keep repeating it on the daily. :) Pinned!
Thanks, Erica! I don’t think I’m particularly angry either ,but you said it, some things are agitating. Ha :)
This advice was sooo wholesome. Thank you so much. I feel relieved and hopeful at the same time. Thank for acknowledging the anger mothers experience and especially thank you for giving ways to deal with it. It really puts things into perspective.
Good article and could relate to no 3 esp. So often mothers are not’ allowed’ to be angry and it is never acknowledged how hard it can be. I was angry at small things my kids did- until I realised it was due tiredness. Had a blood test and was found to have v low hb and thyroid problems. After taking tabs for 3or so months I was great and have so much more energy and positivity dealing with children. I Am only sorry I didn’t get tested sooner.
Ruth, thanks for pointing that out. I actually had someone else say they were perpetually exhausted and so short with the kids then she figured out she was anemic. Some iron pills and so much better environment!
Oh! Good to read this comment. I may need to attend to my physical health, being a 40s mom with a toddler. My exhaustion (physical, mental & emotional) might be rooted in some deficiency or changes in my body.
Thanks for the eye opening post…I often feel angry by little things and I feel the anger can last a long time..I know its the enemy at work when this happens I just need to push him out! I don’t want our 8 children to end up hating their mother when they are older because of their childhood….I want to be a happy person.
Liz, you’re right that it’s both emotion and I know the enemy will take advantage of that. Have you checked out that anger management course I linked at the bottom? A friend wrote it who is also a mental health therapist. It might help?
“Calm down and remember, it’s consistency, discipline, and training that brings about your desired results, not their fear of your angry outbursts.”
That is the best advice and exactly what i needed to hear right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
No problem at all, Ann, and I hope you find some peace and quiet today!
This post hits the nail on the head. Everytime I’m having a bad mom day, at least one of the things you mentioned are happening! Thank you for sharing this! I found you on pinterest, and I’m so glad I did! I noticed you have a group pin board and I would love to be a contributor if you’re accepting any. Please feel free to email me at chaoticblisshomeschooling@gmail.com if you’re interested. Thanks so much!
Hi Jenn, thanks so much for commenting, and yes, I am SO WITH YOU. Lived that post before I wrote it :). Which board are you talking about? I ask because most of the group boards I’m on I’m not in charge of, so I can’t invite. Sorry :(.
I know I stink at discipline. I hate disciplining. The issue I have is, when I send my daughter to time out, she starts screaming at the top of her lungs, hitting, kicking, and I usually have to pick her up and carry her there. She’s a month short of turning 6, and I’ve been dealing with this for over 3 years now. I don’t like being angry, but when she starts screaming, hitting and kicking, and just refuses to do what I ask, I honestly don’t know what to do. Sometimes she will even shove her 2 year old brother to the ground because I ask her to go to time out (and then I have two screaming, crying children). She does eventually do her time out, but it generally takes arond 20 minutes for her to stop kicking the walls and screaming at the top of her lungs (calling me a poophead, and various other things, saying she’s going to run away, saying she doesn’t love me, etc) before I start her timer! I’ve tried doubling her time out for not going when I ask. I tried increasing the timer by 30 seconds for each time she kicks the wall. Both of those just resulted in crazy long time outs. (20 minutes to get calmed down, plus 5 minutes, plus 5 minutes for not going when I asked, plus 10 minutes or more for kicking the wall and me…. doesn’t make logical sense…)
How do I fix that??? I honestly feel that her attitude and disobedience are the main reasons that I find myself being an angry mom way more than I want! My 5 year old is *way* harder than my 2 year old!
TG, sounds like you have a very strong willed child. I’d recommend buying a book about that to get some encouragement, but I would take heart. It is horrible this time out nonsense where she fights you, but there are a couple of options. You can not do time out, but for example take away a consequence. So instead of time out you’ll say no TV or no iPad or whatever. Or, you can just let her have a long extended time out. I will say that time out needs to be AT LEAST as long as it takes for your child to calm down and start thinking about what they’ve done. If she’s still screaming mean things at you she’s being defiant and not thinking about her actions. So if you feel time out isn’t working, I’d write down quite a few privileges of hers and start taking those away. That might be her “currency.” Hope that helps, TG, and I am sending you virtual hugs!
I too had a “time out screamer.” Her freakouts caused the whole family a lot of anxiety and couple last an hour or more. It woulds start with the tiniest thing like her refusal to clean up her toys and escalate into a royal battle where no one won. So we basically stopped doing time outs as it wasn’t productive. Basically we did other consequences instead – no tv or taking away a special toy. The freak outs would still occur but to a lesser degree and you didn’t have to physically get her to stay anywhere at least. Then we started a chart and gave her a sticker for each day she didn’t have one of these melt down episodes. After she filled several rows of stickers (three weeks) we bought her a special doll she had been eyeing. It seemed to be the most effective thing we have tried to date!
Great job for digging deep and finding what works with your child, that’s freeing for you knowing that you are the mom and the one who can set the tone. You decided time out didn’t work and found something that did. Bravo!
Hi Rachel. Any book recommendations for TG (and me). I’m in a similar situation with my 6 year old!! It’s really tough…
Let me think on this and read around!
I’d love to know more about what I can do with a child like this. I’m not a mom but my youngest sister (she just turned 10 in august) has always been this way, it’s just gotten worse over the years. She yells and screams at the top of her lungs (which we can’t have since we live in a very small apartment with thin walls) constantly kicking my mom, me, and my two other sisters, calling us very ugly names, never listens when we tell her to do something (something as small as a picking up something she dropped), and constantly lashing out at small things. As bad at it sounds, I have gotten physical with her back once or twice. Not a good feeling so I never did it again, and I talked to her about it afterwards and let her know that I was wrong for doing it and that I won’t be doing it again. I know yelling back at her isn’t good either, but sometimes that’s all I can do when she acts out this way. We’ve tried timeouts, taking her electronics, no TV, etc. nothing works. I’ve even tried to be calm about what’s going on and try to talk to her about how she’s feeling and why she’s feeling that way or what made her feel that way. Just nothing works. I’m even having a hard time trying to keep MYSELF in check and not completely lose my temper. I’m not an angry person at all, but it’s becoming increasingly hard so deal with.
Hi… just wanted to reply as this is my kid! I had to abandon time out for a long time, except to take myself off if I needed to calm down, stay away from the hitting… It communicated clearly that I couldn’t do anything to comfort or deal with my daughter until she stopped hitting. She hates being away from me so this made her sit up and notice. However, I’ve recently realised she might have some attachment issues (I divorced when she was very young and there were some safety issues) and that time out or enforced separation is just not something she can discipline herself to do as it’s so triggering. What sometimes worked for us was for us to go to time out together, I’d hold her as she calmed down and then once rage was spent, we could talk through the consequence. And she’d accept it better. She sense I was on her side and if she hurt me I’d say ‘I will need to go if you hit’ and she’d calm down so much quicker. Just some thoughts… Hope you find something to make your life more peaceful! I feel you…. xx
RAchel thanks so much for sharing your experience here, it makes the comments richer and others can help. Love the together time out :)
Try holding her during time out instead of sending her somewhere. Hold and hug her instead. Wait the amount of time you usually do, and then discuss with her the behavior you want corrected. I know this sounds unorthodox, but it is very good at producing positive results.
This is a great idea, Leah! Still a “time out” but not isolation.
Hi, I have done this with my 4 year old daughter…she was just so impossible to handle … Even my friends were scared if I would tell them to take care of her for even a couple of hours.. I finally thought instead of keeping her alone for time outs I just hug her and speak nothing. I saw that these scream outbursts time reduced day by day and now she is so calm, that she comes and hugs me if I anytime scold her which makes me realize anything can be solved by speaking low.. it actually brought a change in her a nature as well..
I highly recommend the book “1-2-3 magic”. It has two different methods called the “stop” method and the “start” method and two different ways to approach it with kids ages 18 months-14 years. The stop method refers to situations in which your child is doing something and you want them to STOP (I.e. hitting, biting, yelling etc…). You calmly give them 3 chances to stop by saying “that’s a 1”, and if they don’t stop “that’s a 2” and so on until you teach 3 then you calmly say “that’s a timeout”: it talks about young kids and how they like to make waves and if they see they’re making you angry- they’re brains tell them they’re getting the attention they want which is why we should never “react” to bad behavior as it only provokes it in the future. It’s interesting and I highly recommend it. I never read the “start” method portion of the book bc my two year old was dealing with insane biting pulling hair hitting pushing etc.
This is perfect!!!! Thank you
I am not alone
Thanks for the help I’m always stressed and angry and I don’t like being that way glad I’m not the only one
You are not the only one, Brittany!
This helped me so much! I am currently working on a post about my family history, of basically angry moms, and I never thought about the triggers of my anger. If you don’t mind, I would be putting a link back to your post, because I feel like this will truly help my small audience that reads my post. I really related to this post, thanks for sharing!
Roux, please please do so! I would be honored. And you know, we all receive legacies from our families good and bad. So great you’ve figured out that it runs down so you can try and deal with it!
I would like to read about this. My mother’s mother was a horrible parent. She was awful to her five daughters. My mother was a good, fun mom when I was a small child, but around my preteen years, something flipped in her, and we’ve had a terrible relationship since. My daughter is six, and I’ve noticed that I get angry at the dumbest stuff, and I yell. I realize it immediately, and I go to my daughter and hold her and hug her, and I tell her how sorry I am. She always says, “It’s okay, mommy” and I say, “No, baby. It’s not okay” and I explain to her how, even though she was doing something she wasn’t suppose to be doing, I was in the wrong for getting so angry at something so ridiculous. So I feel like, at least I know I’m in the wrong, and I recognize it. My mother never has, and her mother never did, so maybe there is hope for me. I want to break the cycle because my daughter deserves me at my best. She deserves to have a great mom
Yes. This is me too. My mom would have angry outbursts at us and I always told myself I wasn’t going to be like her, but there are days that I do exactly what she did and then I feel overwhelmed and depressed that I’m passing this legacy on to my children. I do what you do too, I go to my children and apologize and tell them that the way I acted wasn’t right… but I need to find a way to stop it and never do it again. After reading this post I realized I should more seriously consider seeing a counselor.
uff… this was my day today one anger outburst after another.
this is such a good article
Thank you, Gladys, you are NOT alone!
“The only way to be angry and sin not is to only be angry with sin.” I am amazed at how few times my anger is triggered by sin…it’s almost always one of the triggers you mention above instead.
Rebecca, very interesting quite and you are right… it’s usually caused by other things!
OMG this is me written all over and exactly for the same reasons!! Makes me think I should have never became a mother cause my kids deserve much much better :(
No, Tanya. Your kids deserve the best of you they have and YOU DO hvae what it takes!
Well I feel about a thousand times better knowing that there’s other mommas out there with a temper. I always hear about moms being stressed and tired, but it seems like nobody takes it that step further to talk about the resulting anger. Thanks for your post!
Kate, you are not alone. You really really are not!
I just have to tell you, I’m you! I had to do a few double takes reading this. Not a baby person, 4 kids, red head and blame that on the occasion I loose my cool. But also, setting expectations too high, not taking care of myself, taking behavior all too personally. Having it all here in black and white gives me some things to think about. Thanks.
Girl, we are twins. Ha. I am a “baby” person I think, but redheaded, 4 kids and with a temper ;)
Thank you so much for this article. I suffer terribly from anger (its unfortunately a family trait) and sadly have let my kids feel the brunt of it more times than I care to remember. When my son was only a couple of months old I was so stressed and emotional and sitting on my lap he accidentally knocked my cereal all over our lounge. It was the straw that broke the camels back and i was so angry I screamed at him. I still remember the look of confusion on his face before he burst into tears. it took an hour to calm him down. i still feel so guilty about that and he is now almost 4. My anger is a daily struggle and motherhood just seems to stir it up so much because of all the irritating things children can do. Im a work in progress. i so dont want my anger to affect my poor kids:(
Rosie, I just want to reach out and hug you, girl. We all have our struggles, and sometimes they do get the better of us. But I want you to know that one moment does not define the type of mother you are. Your child is old enough now, tell him how sorry you are, I think you may be surprised. We are all works in progress!
PPD is an awful culprit of short patience and a difficult time handling everything too.
Hil you are too right… PPD and anxiety make life so rough.
This a great really needed article! Even though I blog & give parenting advice, I’m not perfect & sometimes I failed & just need to read some wonderful advice like this! The past two weeks have been very rough.
Regina, we all need encouragement from one another because none of us are perfect!
I’m typing this as tears run down my face. I hate being an angry Mom. I don’t want to yell at my 3 year old. Sometimes motherhood is such a wonderful and sweet thing, other times I want to run away from it. I’m tired, my kids are tired. My 3 year old and 10 month old are poor sleepers. I honestly think my 3 year old’s behavior is due to lack of sleep and probably me and my husband’s frustration/anger levels. We just can’t get them to sleep better despite so many routine attempts and sleep aids. She is also a strong willed child. Kicks and scream when trying to get her in time out. When I tell her to complete certain task (get her backpack so I can to pack her preschool snack) or go potty (which is always a fight)she just yells back and says No or that she is playing, she doesn’t want to. I’m not sure what to do. I even wake up before them so I can have my coffee and alone time to be refreshed for them. Any ideas or other posts of yours I should read asap ?
Alaina, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. First know that anger is often a symptom of weariness (like you described) so you likely aren’t actually angry but just at the end of your rope. Either way, big hugs to you. If you are on your computer, go to the tab at the top that says ‘sleeping’ and see if any of those help. Since she’s older now she may just need some very firm boundaries for sleep and behavior. Loss of privileges, big consequences, etc. to get her to mind you. I think lack of sleep is very difficult for everyone :(
Thank you for this. My husband and I adopted four children, ages 3,4,6 and 7, in May. I had wanted to be a mom for so long and didn’t think I would deal with anger, but I have been. After reading this, I can understand a little more why.
Teresa, it’s likely not an “anger” problem so much as finding some of the triggers that let out your frustration. You are not the only one and you are not alone!
Thank you for this article. It really hit on some deep personal issues surrounding my parenting. You mentioned a lot of tips I hope will work in my life.
I’ve been struggling with anger directed at being a mom. I’m 21 and I have 2 children. A boy who is 13 months and a girl who is turning 3 this month. The anger didn’t hit me until my daughter was around a year. She had just started walking and was (still is) a huge fan of creating glorious messes. Ever since this point in time, the anger and my daughters negative behavior have worsened.
I’m afraid that I’ll start getting angry with my boy as well since he is starting to become more mischievous himself. I don’t want my kids to look back and remember me being angry or mean. I’ve always wanted to be a soft, loving, nurturing mother but it seems out of reach.
Your article however gives me a bit of hope. It’s soothing and quite a relief to know that there is moms who go through this and come out on the other end.
Thank you again for your inspiration! Xoxo
Bria, I strongly suggest you check out the anger course at the bottom of the post. It’s run by a personal friend who helps hundreds of women each course who are going through the EXACT same thing you are. You are not alone!
Great read! It is true that being a mean mom is definitely not a good thing. For me personally, not getting any alone time at the start of the day triggers my “mean mom” attitude. Saying what everything I am grateful for when I feel my attitude changing helps me be a happy mom.
I find this post of yours very helpful. While anger is unavoidable, controlling our attitude towards the source of such an anger and to change its effects on us for the better, is the best way to do it.
I wish you had mentioned that excessive anger could be a sign of hormone imbalance, depression, and the need to see a doctor or health care professional.
Karen, great point and very true.
Hi. I am one of those short tempered mother of two boys. And as you say by end of the day the guilt is worse. Its nice knowing there r mothers like me who love their children but struggle with their emotional outbursts.
Most definitely!
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve literally been googling on what is wrong with me. My first time being a mother I have twin daughters who are now 4 and I thought I was the only “angry mom”. Definitely gonna start using these tips because now I’m at the point I’m desperate to try anything because I don’t want to keep going into anger just because they’re not listening to me about something. Again thank you ❤️
Awesome article, thank you. My mom was an angry mom. No matter how much she has calmed down since I’ve reached adulthood and no matter how much she has tried to reach me since I’ve grown up, I’ll never forget the shouting. I’ll never forget the tiptoeing around the house, wondering whether she’ll suddenly, unexpectedly explode all over me heaven knows why. Sometimes when I close my eyes (as an adult and mother myself now), I still hear her screaming at us..
Maryna, I am so sorry that was your experience. I am sure she’s guilt ridden over it. I hope my friend’s anger course (which is at the bottom of the posts) helps moms be able to stop that scenario.
Thank you! I think God had this post show up on my Pinterest today. I have been dealing with mommy guilt and wanting to stop getting angry for so long and knowing I’m not alone is so great! Not that I want anyone else going through that of course! Your tips are great and I’m going to check them out more thoroughly. There’s dedicatedly things that hit home like not taking disobedience personally strong back and asking myself why got angry. Appt on about mommy breaks. So easy to feel guilty about taking then or asking hubby to watch our son after he gets home from work but Si necessary! Exactly what therapist was seeing for something else told me-makes you a better wife, mom and iteration. We don’t expect anyone else to work 24/7/365 without any breaks and we shouldn’t try to push ourselves to do that either. Thank you again. I’m looking forward to God working in me to enjoy the mommy-ness so much more!
TJ, I am so thankful you commented today to tell me you were encouraged by that post. You are not alone, motherhood is hard, but His grace is sufficient even when it feels like it isn’t.
Thank you for this post. It isn’t something we mom’s talk about because 1) we’re afraid to say too much and 2) we are deeply ashamed.
I have struggled with anger since my daughter was just a few weeks old and struggling to nurse. The rage I felt was something I had never experienced before. Why wouldn’t she just latch?!? She is ten now and the guilt still overwhelms me when I allow myself to go back to those days.
We then had three more children, all within 3 1/2 years. The hormonal imbalance from those back to back to back to back pregnancies was intense. By the end of my fourth pregnancy, I was scared of myself and we were done having babies.
Things have gotten MUCH better over the years. My explosive anger outbursts have diminished but are not completely gone. But I am a work in progress. Still, when I lose it with my kids, it deeply disturbs me. And it should, because I’m the adult. And I’m the one training their character, cultivating their morals, developing their self-worth.
Anyways, thanks again for this post. It is helpful to see that I’m not alone in this struggle. Now if only I could get my husband to work on his anger with the kids.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention…I’m a redhead, too…lol
ha!
Crystal thanks for being so vulnerable here and you are so right, it isn’t something people share as much as they should perhaps? I know hormones plays a HUGE part and what a blessing that is sorted out now. At least when the kids are older you’re able to explain better when you lose it a little, you are only human after all.
Such a great post and really good points. I find that I’m an angry mom especially because right now I’m pregnant and there are times that I get so frustrated that I am not able to physically do everything I can usually do. For instance, I wish I could do all the house work in the world but I can’t.
I also really agree that sometimes as mothers we are expecting everything to be perfect or that everything should go as planned exactly as we have it visioned in our heads. I have been really trying to work on this because it’s easy to fall in the slump of viewing other people’s lives that ‘look’ perfect online. ;)
Yes, Jessie, I agree it’s a high source of frustration to not be able to do what you normally would. I find that with pregnancy as well!
Anger is, the problem remains how you handle it and when it gets the best of you making amends. Which is why I developed the CARE Plan. C = Confront unacceptable behavior, yours or the kids. A = Ally with the kid. R = Review to make sure everyone understands what went wrong, if you were wrong apologize, if the kid was wrong, the kid apologies. E = End on a positive note.
Well thank heavens – I’m not the only one who has gotten irrationally angry at a baby! :) This is a great post – so real to us moms and something we need to hear. Thank you.
Thank you Rachel! I found your posts and your weary mom devotional at just the right time. God bless you – he is using you greatly.
I think the best part about reading your posts and advice is realizing that I am not the only one who thinks she’s going crazy – or has these issues dealing with motherhood. It’s a struggle that perfects us and shapes us into the woman God created us to be. Thanks again!
Tanisha, you are most definitely not the only one struggling with these issues. Not at all, virtual hug :)
My daughter is three and during timeouts she will scream and hit and throw herself. I created a cool down corner instead of timeout it is a corner ( I screwed a yoga mat to the wall for her own safety) in her cool down corner there are books, blankets and stuffed animals and if she misbehaves then she has to go cool down and I don’t time her cool down. I tell her she has to sit until she feels better when she is done she has to apologize and exsplain to me what it is that she is apologizing for. Just another alternative to time out that can be beneficial for a difficult child! Good luck mommies!
Kelsea, I wonder if that’s similar to a “time out” but everyone gets mixed up with the terms? I think your idea is a GREAT one. I actually often use a cool down time and it works so well!
Thank you for this! I also blame my anger on my red hair and constantly say that this is, “just who I am”. But I have come to realize that I do need to take it easy on my girls and to remember that they are just kids. It’s nice to come across more moms who are struggling with the same issues!
Absolutely! (from a fellow redhead :) )
This was one of the best articles I’ve read since becoming a mother. Thank you! It has really helped me understand my own struggles with feeling angry. I cried reading other people’s comments. No one is perfect….we’re all doing the best we can and this kind of articles creates a safe platform for open, honest discussion about our struggles. Thank you!
Bec, that is so wonderful to hear and I’m glad you were blessed this morning with feeling NORMAL and NOT ALONE!
Been struggling with this a long while (partly because of postpartum depression), so reading this is helping me sieve stuff out. especially pioints #1 and #2… Your blog is a great idea!!
Thank you so much and I pray your PPD clears up soon. I know how hard that is!
Sorry i couldn’t understand very of your words I’m not British but really i need necessary help. I love my 4 years old son and I’m not a sad person out of my house but i can’t control my anger about my son and when he doesn’t obey such as often times my anger will rise and unfortunately may be slap him then when I’m in work i crying for my lovely son. When I’m in work my mother take care of him and she is a very happy woman and my son depended to her in these times i feel jealous and again in my home i can’t control myself. When he do mistake say to me excuse me but doing it again and again i shouting go to your room then he crying and i forgive him
Eli, I’d encourage you to sign up for the printable trigger there and then you’ll get an email about a mama’s anger management class i believe will help. Your anger does not come from your son, but is just released when you feel frustrated.
Thank you for this! I am sooooo tired of yelling all the time. I feel it has put distance between my kids and me. I always feel so tired from work and resentful that I only have time to just take care of the kids’ physical needs and no time to just enjoy them. I am glad I am not alone, but you helped me to identify my triggers. I can’t change my situation necessarily, but I can change my reactions to my kids’ behaviors and this helped me to understand my anger better. Thank you!
Erin, you aren’t alone girl!
Hi, i just read some of your blogs and its really helpful for me as a mom to handle my stress with my kids. I signed up to get the printable signs that i can use to stay focus :) unfortunately, i still haven’t receive it in my email :(
My email is irish.garcia1989@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Irish, have you received it yet?
I have two girls. 4 years and 15 months. My 4 year old has the temperament of the difficult child written about above (with the long time out!). For 3 yrs she was up every hour every night and had a 2hr screaming fit almost every night in the middle of the night. The exhaustion from that changed my married life, but we survived. Went through it again with my second child, although it only last a year. I wasn’t able to cope. Today, I Google’d “why am I such an angry mom”. And arrived here. I told my husband today be meant nothing. All because of my anger and resentment. I’m angry because I’m tired, I have no life and my relationship with my husband is falling apart. He can no longer support me during my fits of anger. They always occur in the morning when my children wake for the day by 5am. I’ve tried working on it. I can’t be better. I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. I’m mean. Mean mostly to my husband and my thought is because I’m jealous of the amount of sleep he gets along with his perks from work that take him away a lot. My daughters see me angry and I don’t know how to be better. I’ve tried so many times. I’m heartbroken at he idea my daughter’s would ever look at me negatively but bhere I am. Stuck in what I feel is never going to end until I get sleep again….:(
My friend runs a Mama’s Anger Management course in a few months and I am going to pay for your ticket. This breaks my heart and I hear the weariness and tiredness and “over it ness” in your voice, mama. Email me at amotherfarfromhome@gmail.com so I can set it up for you.
Thats exactly what i needed… how can i read more from you? :) or do you do you tube?
I’m starting to alot now. Google A Mother Far from Home on youtube :)
Well, i totally know where my anger comes from. My husbands’s work has moved us overseas & we had to sell out every bit in our home of 8 yrs. It was truely heartbreaking to make that decision of relocating to a totally different environment. It was not easy to tell my 4 yr old twin girls that they won’t have the same toys to play with anymore. Its already been 6 months and not even a day pass by that I don’t cry & ask God why US. So, all my frustration come out on gals. & later i cry about why did i have to say those harsh words.
Oh this is SO HARD.. Will you be there permanently?
I needed to read this today. I know I’m not the only parent feeling this, but it feels so. Being a stay at home mom and receiving no help from both sides of the family really takes a toll. today, i reached my breaking point with my son. i let anger get the best of me and i just bursts in screaming in front him. i know my son had nothing to do with it. finding your page, has opened my eyes and able to asked myself these questions. i know i shouldnt be hard on myself because i cant do everything. thank you so much for this. you have saved me from giving up.
Loved this. I literally just googled “irritability as a mom”, because I felt like I was losing it this morning with my 2 year old and 10 month old?. So glad I’m experiencing normal emotions (LOL), and love the coping tips. ❤
Ha you are :)
Wow. Just wow. I am a new stay at home mom. In the last year my life has changed dramatically. My son is 4. Soon to be 5. I lost my job last year. Adjusting to not working and always being home, which wasn’t something I was raised to do, was an extreme change for me. Still adjusting 6 months in. This article literally hit so close to home. Two nights ago i had a meltdown in front of my other half and the main thing i kept saying is why am I an angry mom?! I hate being an angry mom! This isn’t me. I’m not this person. Thank you for helping me understand how I can begin to change life and no longer be an angry mom. So glad I am not alone in this either.
You are not alone, it is hard!
Thank you for this! I totally needed this today because I lost it on my three year old and I know he felt bad and I felt bad too. I am a screamer and I want to stop and I know it’s my problem not his. He is completely normal and a good boy I just can’t keep it together all the time. Thank you for all of these important and useful tips to make staying at home with my littles more enjoyable for everyone!
Laurel, you are not alone!
You know…. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you may be an angry mom because you’re standing barefoot in milk. Which is enough to piss off any calm, yoga practicing, peace pushing mom.
Ha!
It really does help knowing that more people feel like this sometimes. I like how you broke it down into specific triggers, the taking it personally one is usually the main one for me, but after today, the tantrums and the whining and the screaming from a nearly 3 year old had me at my limit. I hate hearing myself yelling at her. I don’t want her to remember me as a screaming mom. She told me today she misses me, because I’ve been working too many hours away from her. This week is my last week at one of my jobs and with that extra time, I’m praying I can do a reset and stop this spiral. I tell her mama’s trying to be better, but I can’t keep from feeling like I need to do more.
Laura, sometimes it’s just hard and we have to do our best, pray, and work towards a peaceful resolution. This post on screaming might help :)
https://amotherfarfromhome.com/reason-moms-hate-screaming/
Thank you so much for this …. yesterday broke my heart I asked my husband “aren’t I the quirkiest person you’ve ever met ” & he said no.. laughed & said “your the angriest” …. it put things into perspective for me & I was so heartbroken … I have so much on my plate , trying to be a good mom , a good wife .. working 42+ hours a week , trying to go back to school for nursing … I’m so overwhelmed. I feel like I do snap and it’s not either of their faults … thank you again so much for this
Tiffany, I assure you that you’re not the angriest mom one earth and anger is just a sign of overwhelm so YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!
Thank you for this post, it made me feel better to know I’m not the only one. I didn’t consider myself angry until I got pregnant with my 4th. I have a 4 1/2 year old, 3 year old and 18 month old and my patience is very thin this pregnancy. I hate yelling at them and know it’s my hormones egging me on!
Yes, hormones!
Great post!! Thank you! As a mom to 3 Kids in 3 years I’ve lost my cool more times than one can count.
And great Home Alone reference ? this girl here immediately recognized it!! ?
thank you for this post,. i maybe needed to press my reset button NOW,. by this post it really enlightens my mind,. i will keep on continuing reading and learning from ur post,. thank you,. it really helps a lot,.
Hi im grateful to you for your suggestions i have 2 kids elder 7 younger5 yrs im always angry on them and now a days things are going weired they are ready to share any feelings with me not ready to study they do the opposite what i tell.that makes me frustate each i try to calm down but unyill and unless i become angry they dont listen.please help.not showing any interest in studies
Hello,
Did you tape this event at my hoise about 6 years ago?
I felt so bad that day, but by God’s grace my kids still came to me for comfort after that incident.
One of the triggers has been that despite being with my kids I was not present, I had other priorities like me time or cooking something fancy or making the house spot clean, I now have 4 kids but I put some things on the back burner and dedicate more time to my kids each day and the crazy 5pm crisis is almost non-existent.
I was trying to be supermom, doing it all and it just was not the season.
Now my last turned 3, today, I have no nursing baby nor baby bump nor diapers for the first time in eight years and let me know, now is the season to make kombucha, fresh baked bread, fancy dinners and spot clean house.
But we put too much on our plate, we need to remember that in the first 2 to 3 years (that season gets long when you have kids every two years for a while but…) the first years one needs to be present.
No matter where you live, ehatr changes happen, at the end of the day we are not going to be asked if the floor was swept and mopped every day, if the dishes were done before we went to bed, if the laundry was perfectly white every week, but rather if we took time to nourish our kids heart. I write it easy today, but it was not so until about a year ago.
Your post is what so many of us need to read.
And I would encourage every mom to just think outside the box in terms of what is important right now. And no its not the nail polish or social media friends. But the heart of your kids and husbands. Fill your kids’ buckets everyday or almost and there will be a change, no more 5pm rush and crying concert like my mom used to call it. Be present, IT is an important job.
We are the moms, doctors, dieticians, sports coach, art and music teacher, and I forget many hats we wear through the day, but we build the hearts and emotions of our kids, we must be present and then our kids will be more thsn content to play alone, wait a few minutes, ask nicely, and help on their level.
Hugs to all who need one !!!!
Some great tips!!! Love your post claudy so true!! I feel like I’m losing control of my self the old me is slowly but surely slipping away! I’m constantly irritated by my children or shouting for silly reasons shouting so loud sometimes that I scare myself (and the neighbours too I’m sure) some days I feel so bad about it I just can’t stop crying..ive had 4 kids in six years and moved house and county 3 times been bf most that time too with 3 out of the five not sleep much at all.. i don’t drive and have to walk to and fro to two differnt schools half an hour away ever day and just finding the energy to do all the other mummy duties on top of these is a lot..i was a brilliant mum with one or two and hoping I can get that back at some stage! Just don’t no how..
I’m falling apart. This article has helped. xx
This is the best, most straightforward article I have seen for mom anger. Oh my goodness everything you wrote, including the screaming moment, was so me and for me. Thank you so much for sharing this! I wrote out the points that hit me hardest and am putting it up on my fridge. Bless you Mama! What a great way to serve and encourage fellow mamas❤️
My problem is that my kids are not toddlers anymore and I feel that my angry Mom stuff has ruined them….they are 12, 10, and 8. Even if I change my ways and calm down, stop yelling, etc… they continue on that same path that I taught them accidentally when they were younger. Any good ideas here??? I am guessing consistency is key….and I am not quite there yet but working on it slowly.
Just consistently keep chipping away at the anger and they’ll see a change!
Thank you. I used to be such a patient person. But now I have a 2 1/2 and a just turned four year old, we just had a really bad day and it’s the first time I really wished I didn’t have them and that makes me a horrible mum! The screaming, the shouting demanding fighting pretend crying The I want the never doing what they’re asked to the running off into the road… I can’t cope!i know I shout a lot I don’t mean to, but especially when they’re coming from multiple directions like machine guns… I want to know how not to shout and get angry, even with the sticker charts and naughty chair etc. I’m about to get out a fresh notebook and read through all the articles listed above. Edens definitely hit terrible twos. Emily didn’t, but she’s making up for it by shouting and demanding and bossing and whinging and pretend crying and refusal that’s driving me CRAZY!
Dad here and this is gospel even if it is worded for just the rock star moms. Thank you!
Certainly applies to men too, thanks for commenting Mike!
How about your angry because your human…how about kids in this day and age has no boundaries…you felt bad because you told them to shut up? They deserved it…you aren’t some magical human being, your just a person…children need to know when they have pushed you past your breaking point. Why would you feel guilty? That is something I will never understand about raising children in this day and age…why do parents feel the need to stifle their anger when their kids are pushing their buttons. Will their bosses, teachers, and principles allow them to throw a tantrum for milk before the first period or cry because of they didn’t get a promotion?… No! I don’t think as parents we are doing them any favors tip toeing around them. I get that a 3 year old is not going to get why you told them to shut up but I bet that 5, 6, or 7 year old knows. I’m not saying it should start being your new favorite word but a good stern shut up in a matter of fact way is all a kid needs sometimes to realize they are going too far.
I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m exhausted overwhelmed. I dont take care of myself and it hurts me to say this but I feel resentment towards my kids in my low moments. All I do is give give and do nothing for myself. I’m 37 years but look like or at least feel like I’m 45 and to add to all this my marriage sucks!
We have 6 kids (2 teenagers and 4 kids under 3.5 years; 2 girls & twin boys) .
I love my kids so much but its so freaking hard! I want to be the best mom I can be.
Wow! I can’t even imagine! I’ve had a hard time just getting used to 2 (my girls are 2yo and 4m). My heart hurts for you mama. The best advice I can give you is pray. Especially first thing in the morning before the chaos begins and throughout the rest of the day. Also, reading some devotions along with God’s Word is all going to help bring you that peace that only God can give you. Plus, getting those teenagers to help out is going to take a little off of your plate. I hope the best for you and your family ?
Wow! Have you been peeking in my windows?? These are spot on! I have struggled with anger triggered by my anxiety for years and although I’m on medication that helps tremendously and I have gained a bit of control, I still lose it with my girls (2 and 4 months) too often. I feel like the worst mommy on the planet! I mean, who yells at their little innocent(ish) babies!?!?♀️ I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this and I’m so thankful to have found your blog so I can learn some helpful tips on how to get this anger out in other, less damaging ways. Thank you!
Such a great article, thank you for sharing! I could definitely use a reset!
Woah. You have downloadable resources. I’m so happy I found this, you’re an angel!
I’m guilty feeling happy I’m not alone.
“These kids can’t do anything for themselves!” ha. I actually said to my then-one-year-old “why are you acting like a child?” One year later I still feel ashamed.
I am all of these to the MAX. I am crying my eyes out like I do almost every night as of late, thinking I’m a terrible mother. I am on the verge of going on antidepressants because I have spread myself so thin and I just don’t see any resolve or help in the near future and I’m not someone that is into prescriptions at all.
I felt like i was doing everything so well… Out in public, at family member and friends houses, I get so many compliments on how well behaved my two children, 1 and 3 years old, are. Except from two people… My husband and mother in law. They have been ON ME about (harsh) discipline since my first, who was an ANGEL baby, was 10 months old. That’s how I came across your page actually and have been referring to it since because what you say and they have said do align regarding boundaries etc but it’s just not enough. My husbands expectations are insane, I would literally be at war all day long if I tried meeting them. If my 3 year old does the slightest whimper around him, he WAS punished until I told him that it was enough. We are constantly fighting (never talking) about discipline. He’s called me names over. He has taken all the joy out of parenting so far for me (from picking out their names, I had to cancel my daughter’s first birthday ETC) I have told family members and him that I am S-T-U-G-G-L-I-N-G and would just like an afternoon to catch up around the house and there is always some excuse like the weather or deep condition their hair (my mother).. I’m so broken that now I DO get mad at his slightest whimper because I’m so… Sigh…. What do I do? Anything will help. And if it is me, just tell me. I need to hear it from someone other than my husband.
Empathising with you greatly. Parenting is a hard enough gig, I cannot imagine what it would be like to then not have support from your other parent. I am sorry you’re going through this hun. I hope since you wrote this, things have improved.
I think in these times, you have to find out if you believe your strategies with the kids are working and if so, you stick to them. Your Mother in Law has zero rights to step in over this. I get it, my MIL is also opinionated. But I am quick to agree where I do , but say my piece where I don’t and she backs off pretty quickly. I always make sure to honour her, and show her I respect her and thank her for the support BUT my model of parenting is different.
As for your partner, maybe start talking about the things you DO agree on. That way it feels like a positive convo rather than a critique? And then look at VALUES you share and how you can bring these into the way you BOTH parent (in other words he needs to agree to some change too!).
You sound like youre doing a fab job, and you’re just having a hard time with these 2. Stand your ground and know you are validated and doing the absolute best you can, with the knowledge you have. Perhaps going to a parenting course (we have a P3 Parenting course run through our local libraries for free here). I am considering doing this with my extremely defiant toddler!
Best of wishes!
I needed to find this. I have literally just had a full on angry-stressed-screaming-and all the negative things- match with my 2 son’s aged 7 and 5.
I suffer depression and anxiety, which I find makes my already short temper non-existent, and have done for years, (started as post natal depression with my eldest child, who is 15, and again with the youngest) and I am so mentally fatigued that even as I am losing it at my kids, I hate myself for losing it at the same time. So add self hate to my issues too.
I not long brought a business (doing what I totally love) so I am tired from a sudden return to full-time work, and then some. My older son is ASD, ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder, before someone asks) and PNDD (Pervasive non-specific developmental delay) and he has some fairly severe behavioural issues, which I know my anger and moodiness probably makes worse. My boys especially though, they do not ever seem to listen to me until I am completely losing my sh!t at them and screaming my head off, making threats and generally sounding like the local crazy lady!
When I try to take myself away from the situation for a time, to try to calm down and work things out in my head they follow me, or fight with each other more, and generally make the problem even worse. I feel as though me taking ‘time out’ is taken by them as a license to escalate their behaviours, until I seriously understand Homer Simpsons desire to strangle Bart sometimes! And then I hate myself for wanting to lash out and hurt them. And sometimes when things get like this, I just want to leave and not return, or I wish I hadn’t had kids, which I feel guilty for thinking. I love them so much but sometimes it feels like I hate them too. And I hate that I feel like that.
Reading this article helped in the sense that I don’t feel as alone in my anger issues.
I have opened some of your links to read through too, I know I need help because I am at the end of my rope, and on and off recently have had (mostly) vague suicidal thoughts and feelings of just wanting it to all be over, to be gone and away from all the pain and stress. I’m just tired of it all. Thank you for the article though. It helps a bit.
I will go into the store carrying my sleeping baby while asking my 3 year old to help with getting out a shopping cart. This is difficult for him because he is only 3 but it makes me so angry that he doesn’t do it right and I say mean things to him. Thank you for your tips because the guilt I feel for ruining my son’s life through anger is killing me. I have been advised to seek counseling. I’m glad I am not the only one feeling this way. I hope all is mamas get the help we need.
I just wanted to add a 6th reason: depression. Sometimes depression is disguised as anger. After child #3 I struggled with depression for several years. What a world of difference an anti-depressant made for me and for the family! I’ve moved on and am off meds now, but I am certainly appreciative of good medicine.
This is a great addition to the list. Most definitely depression and other mood disorders manifest as anger! Thanks for sharing, Joyce :)
Rachel, I am reading this in tears. Thank you.
I am pregnant (hormonal) and my 2.5yo boy is super defiant.
We have always tried managing transitions from one thing to another with plenty of warning, then loads of negotiating and it just always ends in screaming. I am talking EVERYTHING – changing nappy, getting dressed, getting into bath, getting out of bath, leaving park, walking home rather than stopping for the 1 millionth time when mum has morning sickness, eating breakfast / lunch / dinner, drinking water. Everything.
I went to my GP and confessed I was emotionally struggling as I don’t like being a mum at the moment. Simply not into it. I daydream daily of a life without child. The freedom.
I think I am expecting a lot of him, and it is just a season he is going through. But I simply don’t know how to stop the screaming. I do take it personally when he doesn’t listen, as it is about 70% of the time. I am at the point where I no longer jump on the trampoline with him as I am anxious about the tantrums when I need to get off, I don’t want to take him for walks as I am anxious about the drama involved in it, I am anxious to go anywhere with him as he tantrums there and back.
Maybe a good reset is in order, but I am not entirely sure how to do a reset with this behaviour. He never used to be like this, so I am not skilled at dealing with it. And being pregnant I can’t even find solice in a glass of vino at the end of a long day. Argh!!
Alia, what has the doctor said about his behavior if anything? I would say that starting with his behavior might work in that he can learn to have his emotions in a safe place and not drag you into it!
I’m a full time working From home single mom and have been taking care of my 6, 4 and 1 year old during the quarantine all alone. I think I’ve hit my breaking point with daily anger and just overwhelming sense of a loss of control over the older kids. They’ve started to destroy things and I am trying to do everything. I’m so tired of living in a constant mess! Whole boxes of cereal have been dumped in the floor, pieces of the wall have been torn off by the kids, some of my things destroyed. I have NOBODY to help me take the kids off my hands. My older two kids have started staying up later and later, even if I put them to bed at the same time every night, they stay up til midnight! Talking and laughing. and I can’t relax. They woke me up at 0230 the other night watching tv! They empty entire bottles of soap. Play with my toothpaste. Ruin my things. I can’t even get some quiet time to myself at night. I don’t even want to deal with them, I just need a break! Even a week away from them. I can’t deal with this. I want to do a good job. But they won’t eat what I cook and all they want are snacks. Popsicles. Treats. They don’t care about discipline. I’m strict but they don’t care. I’m lost and burned out and ready to give up.
Stop bringing the stuff home that you don’t want them to eat…don’t hide it in the house, just don’t buy it!. Get a friend or neighbour or relative to help with the kids regularly for 2 hours a week or more if you can afford it. Get away from the house and exercise, ugh right? Exercise reduces stress, flight or fight response, and gives you good feeling hormones. Doesn’t that sound like a good trade off? Check in with your doctor to make sure thyroid, anemia, depression are all checked on…exercise won’t cure all. Take the kids outside and away from the house as much as possible. Start small, 15 minutes. If your kids are like mine, they will sneak back inside when your not looking. I lock all my doors, keeping a set of keys with me for bathroom breaks, while we are all outside together. Let them destroy the outside and yard, or the playground or forest, beach/nature rather than your home. Be patient with yourself, find sensory activities for the kids to do outside (painting, sand, water play) because its a big part of their development and a bit sanity saver for you if they do it…outside. Hugs!
Anger is a fight, flight or freeze response. Its a defence mechanism that we use to protect ourselves from a situation we either don’t understand or triggered by. Figuring out our triggers helps to bring awareness to our responses. Once we are aware we can work on responding differently, like breathing, asking for help, walking away until we can respond patiently, etc. This is not an easy task, but these are the steps.
As a mother of three under the age of five, this is a daily struggle. I have found myself getting more and more angry with my kids and then feeling ashamed at night once they’re asleep. Thank you so much for the tips and strategies to help work through this and to becoming a happier, fun loving mom.
I’ve lived that life too, Lauren!
Hi im Jennifer and i have 2 kids a son he’s 5 years old and a daughter she is 2 years old. I need some serious help i have a very short temper i am always angry,everday im angry and in a bad mood i always shout at my kids and say things i don’t like. I don’t know what to do anymore i am married but it doesn’t feel like it his always at work when he comes home he is on his phone he doesn’t make time for me or the kids and that is making me more angry when i talk to him about it he gets mad and shouts at me i can’t do this alone i don’t know how. Im struggling im doing everything around the house im raising my kids alone it is so difficult.