Motherhood has a way of bringing out the spectrum of emotions. Here are some tips to be a calm mom when you feel anything but. Also, here’s some encouragement for the emotionally exhausted mom.
Imagine you love hiking.
You make a habit of finding new trails and woods because you enjoy the thrill of exertion and exploring new terrain.
Early Saturday morning you pack a bag with water, an anorak, lunch, and a camera. You put on thick socks with your best hiking books and drive out to your destination.
As you park the car and begin to set off, you wonder whether you need your compass or a map. Quickly you decide they aren’t necessary.
You’ve got good instincts, after all.
An hour into the hike you come to a fork, then another, then quite a few more. By lunchtime you are feeling that good tired. The satisfied physical kind. You sit down for a nice lunch, take a quick power nap, and decide to head back.
Soon you realize the way back isn’t all that clear.
What's in this post...
Your instincts say…
Your instinct tells you right, then left, then right again. But quickly you wander into unfamiliar territory and now you wonder… did I err at the first fork or the second?
Should I retrace my steps all the way back to where I ate lunch, or try the other direction at the last fork?
Too often we do this in life.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
We rely on our feelings and instincts to guide us instead of just advise us.
If feelings are your compass, you will wander in circles.Â
The same is true in parenting.
Because love for our children wells up instinctively, we feel the rest of parent is likely to do the same. The feelings of nurture, protection, and love overflow easily, and often it feels they’re all we need.
While a foundation of love is the best thing you can do for your child, you cannot rely on your feelings alone to guide you in parenting decisions.
Why?
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreBecause feelings make excellent servants, but terrible masters.
If our choices depend upon our moods, and our moods depend upon our children’s actions there will be no lasting peace, there will only be confusion.
We can’t go into the parenting woods relying on our best guess.
We need to let our values and principles guide us, particularly in those moments when we’re tempted to lose it. It’s the only way to remain a calm mom under pressure.
Read: The Ultimate Guide To Having A Mother’s Helper You’ll Love
Can we master our reactions and not take it personally?
A major anger trigger for moms is taking our children’s actions personally. Of course parenting is personal, but our children’s behavior will be very difficult to manage if we feel personally offended at their misbehavior or misconduct.
No one is saying to stuff your emotions or pretend nothing happened, but that we can’t make our discipline, punishment, or long term parenting decisions while riding a wave of strong emotion.
Know this. Young child will test boundaries. They will do things that aren’t good things to do. They will yell, scream, wake you up in the middle of the night, refuse to sleep, and refuse to eat.
Sometimes all at once. This is normal. This is what happens. We cannot take it personally.
Read: Why You Can’t Take Their Behavior Personally
Zoom Out
One of the quickest ways to dispel your anger, frustration, or near to the surface outburst is to “zoom out.” Yes, it’s extremely exhausting, frustrating, and trying to take care of multiple small children day in and day out.
Their physical needs are all consuming. You must be hyper-vigilant and cannot let them out of your sight. They will break things, hurt each other, and defy you and it’s hard. But they are learning and growing and it will soon pass.
Elsewhere in the world families are being displaced, murdered, and go to bed hungry. Mothers worldwide are dying of diseases with no cure, or none available to them anyway.
Miscarriages, abortions, and child abuse abounds. These tragedies do not minimize your difficult emotions, no they do not. But they can help you put things in perspective in the moment.
Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane
Trying to work through some mindsets that hold you back? These cards will help you get focus on the right things.
Learn MoreHave a plan in place so you don’t lose your cool
It’s a good idea to have certain basic consequences in place for various behaviors. If you know what you’ll do when your kids don’t do their homework, defy your instructions, or lie, kick and scream then you won’t have to rely on your emotions or feelings to determine a course of action.
Instead of feeling angry or frustrated then finding a course of action from thin air, autopilot to your chosen consequence or loss of privilege without riding the wave of rage.
This also works when you are feeling overwhelmed and angry, even when the kids aren’t doing anything wrong. If you have certain stress triggers, choose intentional habits you can default to.
This way you won’t give in to emotions that make you feel more and more out of control.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Avoid punishment in anger
“I am so mad, I’m not going to pray for you for two years!”  This is what I told my mom as a child after she did something I didn’t like. It didn’t stick, of course, but that was the best I had.
Even from a young age my Confident + Take Charge temperament tended to lash out. My temperament has to be controlled for the stability of those around me.
I have a rule now. If I am flaming mad and my eyes are watering and woe betide the next person who crosses my path… I walk out of the room before saying or doing anything.
After I’ve calmed down I will think of a proper consequence if one is in order. Walking away immediately helps calm me. It usually calms the kids as well because it gives them time to think about what’s happened.
Read: 32+ Consequences For Kids
Effective calm down methods
What works for one person might not work for another, but here are some tricks to keep in your arsenal to help you calm down. Remember a few and make a habit of using them when you are about to Flip Your Lid so you can develop a practice of calming.
- Tell your kids you “need a minute” and go to another room
- Stop what you’re doing, turn around, and take a deep breath
- Pray
- Lay down and relax your muscles
- Put your child (or children) in their rooms or beds so you can take some time
- Go for a walk/run, even if you have to put the kids in a stroller
- Scream into a pillow
- Jump up and down or run in place
- Clean maniacally
- Call a friend
- Go for a drive
- Stay well rested (take a power nap or get more sleep in general)
Read: 5 Instant Ways To Get Hyper Kids To Settle Down
Don’t be afraid to give yourself space
If you’re a stay at home mom like me, you can be tempted to feel every minute of the day should focus on your kids. If you are On The Verge and have lost all your calm you need some time to yourself.
Put your kids in independent play, put them all to nap at the same time, or just send them out in the backyard to play.
If you know you’re in a weary place, orient your day around giving yourself more alone time. You can find alone time even with small kids underfoot.
Whatever you do
Whatever you do remember, feelings will reveal what’s going on under the surface, but they cannot be trusted when they are on high alert and decisions must be made.
Yelling, screaming, hitting, and the silent treatment are all poor responses to overwhelming emotions. And I’m talking about mothers here.
You have the ability to remain calm even if you are a passionate and emotive person. High emotions are signals of pent up frustrations and stress so working to manage the triggers and your reactions will help you become the calm parent you want to be.
Trust me I know.
Read: How To Stop Taking Your Child’s Choices Personally
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
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you always write what I need to hear. thank you.
Thank you, Gina! Hope you feel calm soon :)
Now that I’ve had more time to think about things. ONE thing I know is that my daughter loves her son with her whole being and is totally devoted to her adoring husband. I think I was speaking more from my hurts and my reactions, as I’ve never actually seen or heard her even scream at him and in fact just the opposite, she will put down everything – her work/job, her cooking/cleaning just to comfort him sometime for hours at a time. It’s the look of desperation that I see because she wants so much for him to feel secure and safe and she shows it in so many ways but his crying and whining can go on for hours. I know that I wouldn’t have had the patience that she has had …. without resorting to screaming more out of loss of not knowing what to do. I ADMIRE HER so much, she’s suffered so much but still holds such strong hope and commitment to her family. I love to watch her love her son and her eyes are full of gratitude and joy. Just today we talked to he phone and he’d woken up early from his nap which he usually do and to keep him soothed and also to provide more sleep, she held him for a couple of hours. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for him and her family. t’ve seen that same adoring look in her eyes when she looks at her husband. The one thing I HAD NOT THOUGHT ABOUT was brought on by my study of all the vaccinations that kids are getting and the problems that many are having. My fear is that perhaps he is one of those kids who has been affected as constant crying is a symptom. I pray that there is no autism. He’s such a sweet and loving child but the inability to calm him at times brings such sadness and even I feel very inadequate. I am grateful for my son-in-law who has been a constant source of encouragement and just a really nice young man. I am proud of my woman and mother my daughter has become. Life is good! Just pray that Kean has not been affected by the shots and he’s just in the “terrible twos” which will pass.
Oh Bridget, thank you so much for sharing and I know you must be so proud of your daughter who sacrifices so much to bring her son comfort. I do pray it passes!
Thank you times a million
Going through a rough morning walked in the snow to get my daughter to school as soon as I get her in inside she kicked screamed said she didn’t want to go to school I said to the teachers I will be back and then left. She still refused the 2nd time. I called her dad he came, we both talked to her and she finally went. I hope this phase passes, I have 2 daughters i am a stay at home mom. These days my patients is very thin. I totally needed those words. Thank you so much!
I really could have used this today…the kids were all fussy today, my son had his vaccine shots and was extra needy and fussed about everything and boobed constantly. My daughter was in the background making loads of noise and mess…it was an overwhelming day. I wish I had read this before. I honestly should have just taken a minute rather then stressed and yelled at them both. Argh…regrets!
We all have days like this, and tomorrow is another day :)
Hello Rachel.
I too have had four kids in four years.
I think your article is absolutely brilliant!
I really appreciate it, and will be returning to it to make a few notes.
Thanks for sharing.
It’s nice to not feel so alone in this path.
Danielle
Danielle, we are mommy twins :)
What do you suggest when you try to leave the room to calm down and your kids just follow you? I’ll tell them I just need a minute but then my daughter starters screaming/crying. This just riles me up more! :(
I go into my room or the bathroom then lock the door :). Ha. Won’t work for long periods. But if they cry in response I just let them. I know that when I’m cooled off I’ll be a better mom than trying to make them feel better while I’m about to blow my stack!
Racheal,
I never read something or meet someone that I can connect with 100%. But today that changed! This article was like God was speaking to me! Thank you for your words here. Your wisdom and encouragement and honest understanding has forever changed the way I will handle my situations here at home. I’m a shm, with 4 little ones under 5 and one due in a couple weeks. Life can get tough, I needed to hear your words today! Again thanks a million!
Nichole I’m so happy it blessed you and big huge congrats :)
This is just what I needed to read today. With two babies almost a year apart sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my cool. These are great strategies. Thank you!
This article should really be called “How to be Calm Mom and Dad…” . We have 2 sweet kiddos (6 year old boy and almost 3 year old girl) who test our patience every day. Love reading your blog and practicing your advise.
Oh yes, mom and dad both apply :)
I find it so reassuring to have this blog to turn to when I’m feeling so overwhelmed with doing the “right” things. You write so comprehensively about the same values I try to incorporate in my own house it’s such a relief to read what you have to say – it takes so much stress away. Thank you!
Amybeth, what a fantastic comment and encouragement to me :)
Such an encouragement, thank you! I love reading your posts, wish I could read all of them at once. Makes me anxious to start blogging again, but for now I have been getting so much out of yours :)
:)
Rachel- these are good words to remember when dealing with children or adults. I have a difficult time dealing with my children’s biological father. Anger and frustrations have normally been building over the months by the time I actually have to deal with him. It is better for me to walk away or say nothing most of the time. LOL But I still mess up sometimes! I also have a daughter with ADHD. I have never known frustration like I experience with her sometimes. It can be mind boggling to try and figure out why my child is acting this way. Most days it causes me to feel defeated. But again, I know emotions are not the dictators of my actions. Oh, but it can be so hard to remember in the moment.
Rochelle, it is SO hard. You are doing a great job for even taking on this challenge!
I was diagnosed with adhd as a kid and when I look back my parents were unhealthy , keep dad gone so she can have more calmness and that would have helped me so much no medicine either … adhd is a kid needing more security and also help being saved .
Jen, you know I think one of my kids has ADHD And when I realized his tendencies and became so much more understanding, his behavior made a radical shift for the positive. It really did, great point there!
Howdy!
Thanks, Rachel, for taking the time to write such good things…and with 5 children! I have 4 boys and I just don’t see how you do it all! ? I love how you said about other moms in the world going through issues…that’s my “go to” place when things start getting hectic. I find that placing everyone in quiet time and then sitting down and praying for my family and then other families- it brings back the calm and right perspective!! “There is always, always, always something to be thankful for!”
Y’all take care!!
Hi Racheal .im writing this at 630 in the morning after no sleep .i am so mesed up in my head .im a controll freek .my 12 yreay old dauther and myself clash all the time .i lose it every 2 hours .she will do nothing i ask .tormentes her 8 year old sister all day . Yesterday it came to a head all in the car on a day out .asked her to move her foot in the car .noway was it going to happen so i lost it after asking about 7 time .then daddy completely lost it with both of us ..he was is still so upset .nana was with us and she says were both as bad witch we are .i need some help i get so angery with her i say horrible things like go and dont come back .leave us if you hate us that much .i know its me so please help me .
Karen, have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you figure out what’s happening with your children?
What a wonderfully insightful study on parental stress. Well done! I have 11 and 3 of them are under 4. You’ve nailed it!
This is a very well-written approach, with some things to consider that I had never thought of! You also have some wonderful suggestions! Thank you for sharing!
“If you have certain stress triggers, choose intentional habits you can default to.
This way you won’t give in to emotions that make you feel more and more out of control.”
Thank you for this piece of practical advice! I don’t want to be an angry mom anymore and this is the best article I’ve found to help me. I made a list of triggers and my plans to handle them this morning. So far so good. :)
I have a 4 year old that just seems out of control. He wont listen, so I feel I have to constantly “threaten” to take stuff away. He doesn’t do well with change. His regular pre school teacher was gone for a couple days this week and he peed his pants both days. I asked him why on the 2nd day. He wouldn’t really tell me. I assured him I wasn’t mad and that I just wanted to understand. I asked him if it was because his teacher was gone and he said no but then told me yes. I don’t know if he said that just because he wanted me to stop asking. I feel like a terrible mom because he wont confide in me. When I want to talk about something somewhat serious he wont listen. What can I do different? I do get very frustrated and angry pretty easily and try not to. He’s been constantly sick since starting preschool last July.I also worry how he will take another change when he goes to kindergarten. I’m very worn out and my husband really doesn’t help me out. I’m at a loss. :(
Thank you so much for sharing this! I can’t even tell you how helpful it is. I’ve always struggled with staying calm and letting my emotions get the best of me, especially with my first. This article is so incredibly relevant. I’ve found myself telling my boys that I need space quite often. Although in the moment I feel bad walking away, it is necessary. After a minute to clear my head, I find that I’m able to calmly address my boys and fix whatever issue we were having.
Thanks so very much for your candid and simply put sharing of mommy-experiences. Yours is the first that has struck a chord within me and put so much into perspective. God bless!
This is exactly what I need to read. My husband has told me he doesn’t expect me to ever change and he’s “just putting in time” because I am ever on the edge of being annoyed or stressed by my children. I struggle to schedule or ask for what I need to finish work on time, and my kids perpetually “need” me. Because I work I always feel guilty when I say no to their play requests. When the kids are mean to me I take it so personally because I already give them more than what I can really do. The truth is that I have not taken THEM seriously as my primary job and what they really deserve is me as their advocate. When they argue wirh me I argue right back instead of modeling calm control and thoughtful replies. I keep hoping one day my husband will treat me the same way he lovingly treats the kids… And the truth is that he is probably waiting for the day I treat the kids the same way! I don’t give them enough second chances, do overs, or grace, and so that harshness is piled right back at me by BOTH SIDES (KIDS and husband!!). These are unfortunately the same behaviors my mom put on me, but my Dad never stood up for himself or us. Whereas my husband will argue to protect the kids from my stressed out attitude or “meanness”. He is trying to save me from myself – save me from having the same damaged relationship I had with my mom. And I have such a strong stubborn will that I just don’t want to ever hear I am wrong. Well. I am listening. I am very led by moods and emotions. I don’t meditate well. I am great at reflection but as damage control – not so good at smelling smoke until it’s a raging relationship fire with people crying. I keep saying I can learn tools to make things better but then I am inconsistent about applying them. And again, I get resentful that I have to be so calm and cool and control myself while meanwhile nobody else seems to control themselves about me! I get called selfish a lot by my husband and I can’t think of anyone less selfish because I work and do so much for them and SO LITTLE for myself ever. I have been researching how to be less selfish (since that’s what he’s saying to me) and it seems like focusing on others needs is the antidote. I think I’m already doing that! However, I can be honest and say when I say comments that confrontational or antogonistic, I am truly thinking about how my feelings arent being considered… So instead of listening and helping, I guess I am selfishly thinking of my own needs and wishing somebody treated me more kindly too! I just want a good home, a loving husband, and to be a good mom. I love my kids and my husband so much. They deserve to have a father that is in love with his wife…. But what they really need from me isn’t that. They need me to be in love wirh them. And when I put aside my selfish hurt feelings and focus on loving them first… That’s when I think my husband will come around to me and see me the way I always saw myself – as a good wife and a good mom. I’m so AFRAID.
I absolutely never comment on anything but your pain is so strong and perhaps unnecessary that I have to say something. There is hope.
This is what you need to do today. Look up Ramona Zabriske. She wrote wife for life and has a website called wife savers. I haven’t read her book but heard her speak. She is warm and she really has the answers as she married a man who misunderstood and underappreciated her and she turned it around. Not by changing herself but doing what Rachel says here and taking steps to have set approaches to triggers.
Please look her up. You can have the family you dream of and the husband you dream of but you need to focus your energy differently. Her ideas are simple but hard for us to do in the moment if we don’t make a habit.
Step one is to ‘turn towards’ your husband. Try for 1 week. This means every time he comes home, enters the room and you are peeling potatoes or checking messages you: Stop, lift your eyebrows, turn your face and body towards him. Literally. You are saying with your body language, I care, I am here for you. Try it with the children next. It doesn’t mean you won’t get work done but you will have a little pause to say, you are more important than these socks! Maybe they will stop for a hug, maybe they don’t need you but it will make a difference.
According to her that step alone completely changes the family dynamic.
Rachel, I hope you don’t mind me sharing this. Your articles are great. I read them all the time. I just think this lady really needs this advice!!!!!
Great article. I love reading it. Thank you for your encouragement. You’re such an inspiration to many moms.
Oh wow, thank you Eloiza!