Have you ever wondered why your child’s screaming, whining or crying bothers you? Here’s why.
Even through the thick walls of our brick home, I heard it.
Screaming coming from outside.
Lots of screaming from more than one child.
We live in the sticks so there are any number of dangers… snakes and wild boars for starters.
I jumped up from my chair started running outside where the kids were. It felt like my heart dropped out of my chest as soon as the screaming started. It was like my entire body kicked into overdrive.
I was nervous, anxious, and angry all jumbled together. Hoping something terrible hadn’t happened, but also knowing that kids just scream. You know… because they’re kids.
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So why do I get all worked up when my kids scream?
It’s honestly one of the biggest struggles of my role as a mother. Listening to all the dadgum screaming. Screams, squeals, high pitched yells.
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They make me want to bang my head against a wall.
Is there something wrong with me that hearing my kids scream makes me want to scream back at them or the sky or an unsuspecting passerby?
Well, turns out… I’m not crazy.
Our bodies have a physiological response to screaming. Our heart races then drops. Our blood pressure skyrockets. Our brain signals the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.
We become instantly on edge. The hormonal surge also causes our heart to pump blood more forcefully to our muscles and we get shaky.
Interestingly enough… screams also trigger our brain’s fear center and alarm circuit. And, the rougher (or louder and more severe) the scream, the greater the fear response.
So when we hear our children scream, our body is on alert. This is a mother’s innate response to make sure our children aren’t in danger or, if they are, to rescue them. We are hard-wired to respond to our children’s noises.
It only took me milliseconds to jump up and start running outside when I heard their screams.
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Learn MoreAnd it is an amazing thing…
Unless my children are screaming and squealing for no good reason.
Which they usually are. All day long.
Every single stinking day.
At the end of the day, my body feels like I’ve been through the ringer. And, with 5 kids aged 6 and under, I have. There are many daily situations that cause my body to respond in dramatic ways.
- My baby cries impatiently as I’m preparing his food… my heart races and my palms sweat. I move as fast as I possibly can because his crying is like a knife to my brain.
- My 2-year-old takes a plastic toy car from my 3-year-old so he retaliates by hitting then they both start screaming and my body reacts instantly and dramatically like I was slapped. I want to let them sort out their own problems, but if I let them scream any longer my head will explode.
- I’m resting on the soft couch reading a book for 5 seconds and I hear a BOOM. My body shoots upright and before I even hear a cry from down the hall and I’ve gone into fight or flight.
Read: When Motherhood Fries Your Nerves — How To Find Relief
I’ll admit it…
I feel completely worn out by the end of the day.
I’m not so offensive I’d compare myself to a soldier in a war zone, but in my own way, our home is a toddler and preschooler battleground. I’m in a hyper-vigilant scanning-for-danger state from morning to night.
Except no one is really injured and I don’t actually need my fight or flight responses so, honestly, my body and brain are confused.
At 8:30 p.m. my body is saying, “I’m so exhausted and I feel like I haven’t slept in 3 years and I think my brain cells are dead and I am Past The Point.”
At 8:30 p.m. my mind is saying, “What is wrong with you? You didn’t even leave the house or put on real clothes, you should feel fine.”
Read: 5 Signs You’re A Depressed Mom — And How To Start Feeling Better
This is why moms are so dadgum tired.
Taking care of babies, toddlers, and preschoolers is like having heart attacks, hypoglycemic attacks, and lion attacks all day long.
To the brain, anyway.
This isn’t a complaint. It’s not a “woe is me.” It’s a simple observation about why I am completely exhausted by 9 p.m. each night, even if I haven’t “done anything.” I love being a mom more than I’ve ever loved anything in my whole life.
But some most days, my brain is mush.
Read: The Real Reason Moms Are So Tired (Hint… Hyper Vigilance)
How to Calm Your Fight Or Flight Response Quickly
Living in a hot zone, it’s important for our sanity we learn how to calm our fight or flight response. If we live in overdrive we’ll become angry moms.
As a highly sensitive person, I can’t live in this high stress state all day without becoming irritable and frustrated.
I’ve got to manage my stress response to screams, loud noises, and constant background chatter and here are some easy ways to do that.
- Take a deep breath. When you hear screams, shouting, or loud noises that trigger fight-or-flight, stop and breathe deeply. This will help lower your heart rate and blood pressure and stop the progression of your physiological response.
- Hot or cold. Ever noticed how stressed people in movies stick their head in the freezer? When we’re in fight or flight our body has taken over our mind and it’s simply reacting. Hot or cold sensations help bring you back. Hold a hot or cold beverage or suck on ice (like you did in labor).
- Physical Movement. Do some jumping jacks, sit ups, or run in place for a few minutes. That physical intensity will wear you out and help you get back in touch with your body.
So here’s what happened…
I ran through our house like a cheetah. Leaping over toys, baskets, and LEGO threatening to slow me down. The screams got louder and louder as I got closer, and when I got to the screen door I threw it open so hard it slammed against the wall.
I felt like I’d never moved so fast in my life, running to save my children in peril… and then I saw it. Saw them, actually.
Screaming. Squealing. Laughing.
They were happy.
My children, who apparently give me PTSD symptoms just because they’re alive, were happy. They weren’t scared, injured, or giving warning screams. They were happy screams. They were all muddy and wet and gross. And happy.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
It stopped me in my tracks and for a minute I just stood there. Looking at them all sweet and innocent and childlike. I sighed dramatically (which helped lower my heart rate) and then turned around and went back inside.
Next time they scream I’ll ignore them, I told myself. Next time I’ll just take a deep breath and I won’t react like a crazed lioness defending her cub from hyenas.
But my brain might.
::
This explains so much for me! My firstborn had colic and hearing him cry would create panic feelings in me, and I never could explain why. Now, my youngest is 2 and will whine and screech when he is frusterated, and again, that sound sets me on edge so fast but I couldn’t figure out why. Great info. I am especially glad you included tips for coping with this!
Laura, I am telling you I couldn’t figure it out either. I was ON EDGE, a great term, and honestly wondered why on earth I could feel so stressed when nothing happened. Ha!
Sounds familiar!
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRUE! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words can’t even sum up the experience of how much I relate. I’m in high alert as a single stay at home parent (different I know). I hardly ever get a real “break” and this makes me even more on high alert. By even noon, I have to monitor my annoyance reactions to noise so that I’m not actively blaming my 3 year old for my choices in life. It is not my baby’s problem that I’m highly sensitive and need more breaks. It’s my responsibility to cope. It’s not his responsibility to need less because I am drained. And people who have never been responsible for a child (let alone more than 1) all day every day love to give “advice” or say that stay at home parents don’t need a break ever. My life is less stressful when I don’t internalize others’ judgements for myself. Self-awareness that I’m tired is gold. Self-awareness that I am high alert because I care is gold. And articles like this are gold. Thanks so much for sharing.
Nicole, you are very self aware and I think it’ll serve you well, mama.
I work outside the home and am only with my kids fully on the weekends. I can’t even imagine caring for kids all day, every day, there is no 15 min or lunch break. I lost my mind this morning and thought, what’s wrong with me? Next time I will jog or kick the soccer ball so I can respond like a normal mom to my children, even when the younger one is biting my chest. Thank you for sharing.
I love everything I read from you! I’m a mother of two boys (Joseph 9 and Logan 4 weeks). It’s been awhile since I’ve done this baby thing and my circumstance are different (I’m divorced from Joseph’s father and with a wonderful man). Logan is not as easy as Joseph was and reading your posts and articles make me feel like I’m not crazy or not maternal. I’ve been praying for encouragement and scriptures for weary moms and God has led me to you!
Thank you for the advice, laughs, and encouragement.
You are so welcome, Jennifer!
This summarizes my feelings and struggles so well, thank you for putting it into words. This will help explain to my wife how I feel because I haven’t been able to put the pieces together.
I never thought about the physiological and emotional response to kid noises…and how draining those are when they happen all day! It has been a long time since I was able to stay awake for a movie after the kids go to bed. This must be part of it!
I can’t start a movie past 8. Ha!
Thank youl.. Very practical. Keep the good advice coming! <
Yeah I think this contributed to my developing a bit of an anxiety disorder after having my second-he had bad reflux and my 15 month old was of course still pretty much a baby.
All too familiar!! I have noise going to bed and waking up. But what you have so kindly reminded us all it is the sign of life and happy children!! What more could you ask for! So I will remember to take those deep breathes and be mindfully present in the noise of childhood that this isn’t forever and to enjoy our little ones like this as the milestones change before we know it they are moving out.. travelling or getting married… my heart is already starting to feel heavy just writing that!!!
Have a happy day wonderful mummies out there❤️✨
So encouraging to find out I am not totally nuts! I think by the time my hubby gets home I am pretty edgy most days. I am going to try stick my head in the freezer. Another thing that helps the fight/flight response is drinking water. So…breathe, drink some water, jumping jacks, and then stick head in the freezer! After that I bet the kids will be laughing instead of screaming.
Hahaha, I’ll be sticking my head in the freezer with you ;)
Wow! You are NOT alone. I am not alone!! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to hear that I am not alone. I feel like I am always yelling at my poor 4.5 year old because he is naturally a lot louder than I am. I remember even as a child I was always very quiet as are my father and brother but when we went to my aunt’s house it was like going to the “shout house” as everyone was always shouting but they had so many kids I figure they had to shout to be heard. I have a 14.5 month old daughter too who won’t sleep thru the night yet and who still nurses both during the day and nighttime so I was chalking my lack of patience up to not enough sleep in 2 years (the pregnancy plus whole daughter’s life). I know from experience I can be more patient and willing to accommodate some more noise (the happy kind, preferably) if I am more rested so I am striving to get there. Thank you, keep up the good work!
Delia
Thank you for this. With my nearly 3 year old and another one on the way I find myself saying “Use your words.” quite a lot.
I hear you, girl. Ha!
Oh my, I felt like laughing and crying while reading this! Haha! Laughing because it’s not just my house or my brain and crying because YES IT IS SO HARD! But good and beautiful and how cool that we were made that way for a purpose. :)
Exactly :)
Yeeesss!!! HOW DID I NOT HEAR THIS ALREADY??? Seriously, 8 kids later and I finally get some understanding about why I can. not. tolerate. “pointless” crying? What a God-send you are!
(I kid you not, I went around and around with a counselor about this last year – why does hearing my kids cry make me so angry? I think I need to share this with her!)
Ha, please do ;). But seriously, my husband and I both, last week, reached our TIPPING POINT and said, “If we both had noise cancelling ear phones 90% of our stress would melt away.”
Please cite your sources for the statements you made in the paragraph that starts with “Our bodies have a physiological response to screaming”. And the paragraph that follows it.
I’m not doubting the statements but I’ve had a difficult time finding the actual data that backs up those statements on the internet.
thanks
Warin, did you check the sources I did list? Those have a lot of information.
This is LITERALLY the story of my life, every. single. day. all. the. day. long!!!! I have three boys (almost 9, 7 and almost 4), and am preggo with a girl. While they aren’t necessarily screamers, the 24/7 loudness in our home sends me into panic mode nearly every day, and my biggest struggle is anger with them. I lash out more than I’d like to admit, and am constantly apologizing and having to ask for forgiveness. I have to put myself in “mommy timeout” (aka – laying in the fetal position on my bed with the door closed while I cry out to the Lord to help me not put them all out on the sidewalk with a for sale sign) nearly everyday! Thanks for this. TOTALLY needed to read it today!
The crying is absolutely no joke.