Stay at home mom burnout is real. In our quest to do it all we end up having less to give to the people who brought us home to begin with.
I stood in front of a super hot stove top – stirring sauce that was nearly bubbling over – with my fussy 1 year old on my hip.
He would not allow me to put him down and cook with leisure. You see, I had tried several times… it wasn’t happening. Also, he was teething, clingy, and wanted mommy.
Don’t get me wrong, I love holding my babies. The problem was that I had a lot more to do to finish dinner and I needed my other hand.
I stood there in the kitchen with my baby on my hip and my stove top running over…
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Then, I had an epiphany.
All this time I’ve been telling myself that I need to get everything done on time, perfectly, and without breaking a sweat.
That’s a lie because doing everything perfectly is impossible. It’s a lie that will cause us to have mom burnout. You see, we can’t possibly do it all!
We can’t.
In fact, the hard truth is this… being a mother is limiting.
What's in this post...
Feeling the Limits of a Mother
I am limited…
There, I said it…
First of all, somewhere along the way we bought into the idea that we have to be perfect.
Secondly, We honestly believe that we can be great moms, great homemakers, great volunteers, great workers, great friends, great wives, and great thinkers.
All at once…
We think that excelling (however we define that) in every area of life is the minimum standard. The truth is, we can even manage to hold this idea together pre-motherhood because we are in control of most aspects of our life.
And then we have kids…
Read: The Real Reason Moms Are Tired… It’s Not What You Think
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Kids are Limiting
I wasn’t a mom long before I realized that kids are little humans with great needs and the inability to meet those needs… I have felt the limiting power of the kids and experienced mom burnout.
A mom’s main household objective, for quite a few years, is to simply meet the basic physical and emotional needs of our little ones.
If we’re honest, this is limiting.Â
Let me give you some examples…
First of all, bad dreams, teething pain, or baby’s sleeping habits will limit the amount of sleep I receive.
What my children are able and willing to eat cause my cooking to be limited.
My husband willingness to let me get away limits the amount of alone time I get.
Childcare, available funds, and my energy limit my hobbies and simple joys.
Vacation options are limited because who wants to drag 5 kids (under 6) through the Met, the Louvre, or the Smithsonian?
Lastly, the amount of work I get done is limited to how much time I’m willing and able to spend away from the kids.
You see where I’m going?
Read: My “Daily Escape” to a Quiet Place & Why It’s Necessary
Want to help develop your child’s strengths Use these cards to dive into the character qualities and how your child does – and can in the future = exhibit them in their own life.
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Limits are Natural and Good (to avoid Mom Burnout)
While having my epiphany over the boiling stovetop… I actually felt relief.
Relief happened when I least expected it.
Consequently, pressure and stress come from thinking we can, and therefore should, do all things well.
On the flip side, relief, grace, and freedom come from understanding out natural limits. Realistic limits on our time, resources, and capacity can stop us from having mom burnout.
Relief came to me because I embraced these limits and lived in the moment.
Read: Unusual Mom Burnout Symptoms That Are Quite Common
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreLimits help us make good choices and avoid mom burnout…
First of all, I choose to spend my time wisely because the amount of leisure time I have is limited.
Becoming distracted by social media is pointless because I know my limits on work time that day.
Furthermore, my cooking is done in a limited time so I will choose easy recipes.
My ability to remain sane is limited so I will say no to opportunities, events, or responsibilities that stretch me Past The Point.
Last but not least, I am limited in my willingness to constantly clean the house so I will get rid of unnecessary clutter and unused toys.
Read: Kids Are Not In The Way, They Are The Way
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
We Don’t Want to Regret
Embracing limits is so important because when we move at breakneck speed, we are going to reach mom burnout…the end of our rope!
At end of our rope is crankiness, stress, anxiety, anger, yelling, weepiness, overwhelm, and depression.
Furthermore, If we don’t embrace our natural and seasonal limits it will lead to mom burnout. We will achieve mom burnout by making sure everything gets done Perfectly and Presentably.
Undoubtably, this will leave you with no energy left for what that caused out limits in the first place…
Our families.Â
Watch for these signs that you haven’t embraced your limits. Mom burnout may happen soon…
- You feel resentful when your children are “needy.”
- Stress is a general rule.
- You feel like life is running you, not the other way around.
- There’s a deep desire for change, but you don’t know where to begin.
- You’re frequently looking for an escape (probably with your cell phone).
- Not measuring up to other’s standards cause you to feel guilt and shame.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Read: Why Moms Lose Their Identity And How To Get It Back
The good news is this…
You can take a long hard look at your own limits today and make a change.
Be honest with yourself and embrace your limits.
You are limited in your emotional, spiritual, and relational capacity.
Knowing this will help you choose to focus on the things that are most important and drop the rest of your unrealistic expectations and standards.
In conclusion, just as limits are necessary with small children, they are necessary with us.Â
Remember these truths…
Limits highlight our priorities.Â
Limits guard our mental health.
And limits bring freedom.Â
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Stirring My Sauce
As I stood there with my baby on my hip, stirring the spaghetti sauce, I felt instantly better. It’s okay if dinner isn’t gourmet, we’re eating on plastic plates, and the house isn’t “company ready” 24/7.
I have my limits.Â
5 of them, to be exact.
Frequently Asked Questions
This involves self-awareness, reflection, and paying attention to both your physical and emotional well-being. If you know you’ve reached your limit, start peeling away the “extras” (commitments, events, volunteering, etc.) until you feel like you are less stressed and looking to escape less frequently.
Our limits as moms will change through the years as we add more kids, kids grow, we choose to work more or less, etc. This is something that we can be regularly monitoring with ongoing awareness of the warning signs of burnout, self-care, and proactive planning. When all else fails and you see the burnout train coming towards you, take time to reevaluate your priorities, expectations, and abilities in your current season.
When we are operating within our limits as a general rule, we are able to overextend ourselves when it’s needed for short amounts of time. However, burnout comes when we are constantly in a state of overextension and operating outside of our limits. This is what we need to be guarding ourselves against.
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Thank-You so much for this post.
This is how I feel most of the time.
And I don’t have 5 children, I have three, my eldest is 4.5yrs. My twins just turned 3.
Great post, and so true! I just wanted to add another book to your Mom Burnout list.
Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe & Why We All Need to Knock It Off, by Karen Ehman, Ruth Schwenk
I did this as a a study at my church this fall, and it completely changed my mindset about motherhoood. It made for great discussion and was very encouraging.
I’ll put this on the list! :)
Where is this list?
Oh Rachel thank you so much for this reminder. I have been parenting for 22 years and still need to be reminded of what is the most important thing about being a stay-at-home Mommy. Caring for our little blessings . One of my children has been very ill and in and out of the hospital. Cleaning, super meals, and muach of our homeschooling have all fallen by the wayside for right now. I needed a reminder to tell me I was doing the best that I can with what I have at this time. Thank you for the encouragement. You sure helped this overwhelmed mama take a deep breath. Let’s all be a little kinder to ourselves today.
It took me three tissues to get through reading this post….it is so real to me.
I believe that many Moms live these anxieties in private, thank you for sharing.
In reality, we spend too much time “keeping up appearances” when behind closed doors we are yelling at our kids, and fighting with our husbands because we are so anxiety ridden about the dust on the furniture and the used tissue on the living room floor that we cannot even sit down to play a board game with our kids until it gets cleaned up!
I have spent many years trying to do it all “perfectly”, and have gone to bed many nights feeling like a failure as a wife and mother because at some point in the day I “lost it” over something ridiculous ………it is a concept that I continue to struggle with.
I see the years speeding ahead, my girls who no longer play princess dress-up, and I say to myself….it goes fast. I want to make sure that I enjoy it and that my kids memories are not of me constantly nagging them to pick up their toys, but of us coloring together, and going to the park and reading books by the fire and making cookies.
God bless all you Supermamas out there, we all are just doing our best. Take care of yourselves, and just for today…..don’t make your bed!!!!(no one will know!!! ;) )
Thank you for your comment. I’ve been there way too many times with my four children (10,3,2,1). I have no idea who you are but your message spoke to me.
Thank YOU for this! I liked your comment as much as the post. I needed to feel like I’m not alone in this today. Tomorrow will be better and I will control my day and not let it control me.
Tina, thanks for sharing. Someone else said they enjoyed reading your comment just as much as the article. Thanks for personalizing it!!!!!
Also, Rachel, always an email from you comes up that applies to something I needed to hear. Thank you for all you do, and thank you, Lord
Jaclyn, how lovely that her comment was meaningful to y’all, thank you, Tina! And thank you for your encouragement as well :)
Tina,
Oh my! This is me! I have been struggling with this for years. Now that I see myself through your written word, it makes me sad but also encouraged to know that I’m not alone and that there are great resources out there like A Mother Far From Home. Beginning today, I can forget those things that are behind and press forward with intentionality to begin to make fond memories with my children. As a follower of Christ, I need to truly begin to trust His Word and know that my Lord and Savior can make my latter days greater than the former. Amen. God bless you all.
Thank you! Love it :))
Yes!! I needed to read this, I’m a new mom and feeling completely overwhelmed by my inability to reach my own expectations! Thank you!!
I’m a mom of five children too under the age of 8. I understand the feeling.
Your emails always come at the right time…just when I am needing it!! Thank you.
-Mom to 3 girls under 5. ???
AAAGGHHHH I love this so much (I don’t ever bother to comment on – or read – whole blog posts because I AM SO LIMTED lol, but I just had to tell you how awesome this is.)
I didn’t have babies till I was 30 and I spent a whole decade absolutely unlimited. I traveled, I spent my money, I did what I wanted when I wanted, my house was clean, I had TONS of downtime… and life was pretty empty. I’d rather be limited and have my babies than unlimited any day.
Thank you for this! Such a great reminder.
Your such an inspiration..yes..to so much of what you said..i still fwel guilt that im dropping the ball ..but it helps to know im not the only one to feel bad!
Thank you… am in this season right now. This is a blessed reminder that it’s okay to not be wonder woman in any and every situation. That is a freeing thought. God bless!
I’m feeling this right now. I have choices to make everyday to choose to do what I can and will be happy with and those that I can’t, they are nice to haves but not must haves.
It’s so nice to read your blog and feel so at home! Thank you for saying it like it is and for being so relatable! I love that you have the guts and grace to have 5 children too! Big families rock!! Keep up the great work, Rachel! We love you!!
This is such a wonderful blog to read. 100% TRUE, exspecially if you have 3 or more children! You have your prioritys in check, which makes you a great momma, and in the end that is all that matters! I just came to this myself. If your house isnt perfect when your mother in law visits, who cares. If she isnt able to see that you are busy with all these kids and you are not super women, that is her issue, not yous!
Momma of 4- (12 yr old g, 8 yr old g, Twin (21month boys)
And with 4 kids how can it ever be perfect unless they’re never home?????
Thank you for this article! You nailed it on the limits. I have recently come to realize that yes, I have exceeded my limits many times…no more. I am taking control of my limits. Thank you for putting this out there and making me feel like I’m not alone.
Wow! I’m so glad I read this. I had a “moment” earlier tonight while cooking. I feel like it always happens while I’m cooking. ha ha But for reals, this was soothing to me. I have 3 kids, and we are trying for a 4th. I notice that I’m always asking myself “Is life supposed to be this hard?” Anyway I hope to embrace this when I feel I haven’t done enough. Thanks!
Wow! This spoke directly to my heart! My kids are 9, 7, 4 and 2 and I’ve felt EXACTLY how you described SO many times! Although I read and enjoy all of your posts I’m going to save this one somewhere so I can come back to it and remind myself of the truth it speaks.
Thank you Rachel!
I love this! I wrote a similar piece on my blog before, about how babies are cumbersome. Met a mom who commented that she didn’t bring her baby to the playground because it was cumbersome. :(
Fantastic article. Exactly what I needed to read today. My son is 21 months old, i’m 5 months pregnant with #2, run a successful online yoga business, and this year i’m making an effort towards hiring help for things that are not my highest priorities (curating posts for social media, cleaning, meal prep/cooking, etc) because my prior unrealistic expectation that I need to do everything and do it all at 100% was totally burning me out! Thank you for this article and all of your content. I’ve been a reader for a couple years and seriously appreciate the digital mentorship I get from your emails and blog ?
Thanks for the article. My fiancĂ© and I are getting married soon and we are getting ready to have kids. We came up with this conversation about me being a stay at home mom or not, he said he totally supports the idea of me having an outside job but then after all these news of nannies abusing kids (I don’t wanna sound rude and I’m not talking about the majority, I am talking about isolated cases) he came with the idea of me being a stay at home wife and mom. I am still a bit “worried” about how people might judge me for being a SAHM, I have come across your article and it’s very helpful. My fiancĂ© says there’s nothing wrong about being a stay at home wife and mom and that this is the hardest job of all and his mom supports me cos she was one. I am learning bit by bit. Thank you.
Don’t worry about what others would think of you as a SAHM – especially if YOU yourself are willing to be one, and know perfectly well when it entails (no “sick leave”, no weekends “from work”, a lot of cleaning and cooking unless you can afford to or want to hire help alongside what you do at home). Many people think that modern women must go to work or else we would be regressing into housewives from the 1950s, or that we are the “black sheep” women who “throw away all the opportunities available to us” and undermine the women’s emancipation movement (these amongst other offensive judgmental opinions). The fact that you choose to be a SAHM and that your husband supports you 100% is more than enough.
Most of my peers are working moms, or working women with no kids, and there used to be days where I questioned my identity and my purpose – but not anymore. Reading Rachel’s posts help a lot too.
Hang in there, you can DEFINITELY do it!
Love this, Jade, and totally agree. Deciding to stay home is just as powerful as deciding to go to work. Because it’s what YOU think is best and what you feel is RIGHT for you!
I can not express how much this article has struck my heart and soul. Simply thank you x
As of lately I really hate even getting email because I feel so overwhelmed, burned out, and stretched thin, but just from reading the blog I feel this email will be well worth another notification. Thank you for being so honest and encouraging may God bless your ministry, marriage, and family ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m just really tired and stressed out. And I’m not coping with those limits you talk about. Hopefully soon I’ll find a balance
My husband wants four kids… I bargained to two and we will re-evaluate after that…
we currently have one 6 month old girl and I think she’s teething… oh gosh, I feel like I’m back to square one… sleep training out the window… she was awake from 1am-4am this morning and she doesn’t want to nap on her set times… I am exhausted, milk is running low – no stash in the fridge, I have a cold, I AM TIRED….and I can’t sleep…
Motherhood is shaking me up to my core… I always ask myself how can I do this x 4… I feel overwhelmed with one…
I feel like a failure when things are not done… when my baby is crying… and I can’t help her… I just say I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s wrong with her…
I don’t know how to embrace my limits…
Meanwhile, my husband acts gracefully under pressure and seems to love every minute of all this…
I think most mummies go through that ‘impossibly rough patch’ with at least one of their children…
I remember when #1 was a teething 6-month-old, he went from sleeping soundly through the night, and taking hours-long naps like clockwork every day, to waking 6-10 times every night, and not napping. That went on for about four months, and I was beginning to ache inside and out with fatigue. I dreaded night-time, and was like a zombie, in constant fear of falling asleep and dropping Little One while trying to settle or feed him… I can’t remember how well or poorly I kept up with household management.. But just when I felt like I couldn’t take it any longer, Little One returned to normal!
There is a reason God tends to send us only one child at a time! There are always special challenges attached to your first experience of motherhood, because everything is new. The challenges of juggling children of varying ages are different, but it’s not a case of multiplying the emotional/physical/mental challenge of having one child by two, or five, or ten children!
I know several families with more than ten children, and the mothers of those families are far more chilled out and organised than me with my four little ones! More children equals more parenting wisdom; and I’ve witnessed first-hand how incredibly adept older siblings can be at helping to look after the younger children in a family. I’m one of eight siblings, and we certainly did a lot of training, disciplining, reminding, rescuing, rebuking, soothing, etc, amongst ourselves. One piece of wisdom I try to live by is this: don’t make big life decisions in ‘times of darkness’. The question of how many children you may or may not have in the future can wait for whenever you’re feeling up to it :)
Re: not knowing how to embrace your limits…it may be a case of reaching out for help! I realise that’s not necessarily easy (I’m not one to ask for help; and now that I would like to try asking, I am living very isolated from anyone I know or trust). Even if it’s just confiding to your husband that you’re struggling to cope, and feel like you’re failing your daughter. All my children so far have struggled with teething, and I tried everything I could think of, from homeopathic sprays, drops, and tablets, to muslin-wrapped ice-cubes; from amber beads and pressure point massage, to refrigerated chew toys and teething gel. I tried to ride out the rough patch, and content myself with the knowledge that I was doing everything I could for my little ones. I found it helped to share my woes with other mums in similar circumstances, too.
*As a side, I was told recently that weak, cooled, chamomile tea can help to soothe teething pain!
Take heart – your bubba won’t teethe forever, and the rough patch WILL come to an end! Although you’ll remember this hard patch for some time, your little one will forget it, and move on as though nothing ever happened.
As for your husband’s easy-going attitude towards parenthood – we all respond differently to what life throws at us… But mothers – traditionally called the ‘heart’ of the home – do tend to ‘suffer with’ their children. And that’s essentially a great mothering quality: compassion! The same quality will later help you to decipher your little one’s attempts at communication, and to understand their actions and responses.
It sounds like you take your responsibility to care for your little one as seriously as your husband likely takes his professional responsibilities. The major difference is that we have more control over aspects of our careers that lead to ‘professional success’, than we do over the physical and emotional needs of our children. When ‘parenting success’ is defined as constantly happy, healthy children, and an immaculate home, we are all doomed to fail from time to time ;)
Thank you for this!
I am a red headed mother of 5 born in 8 years and have lived all over the world and travel the world with said five children. They are currently ages 3-11 and all redheads. My hubby is Type B and I’m predictably Type A. ? Thanks for taking the time to write about mommy burnout and marriage between opposites. I’m strugglin’ these days, and it’s not by accident Pinterest took me to your blog tonight. Anyway, I just followed you on Insta, and you can follow me back. (I have a private account.) I just wanted to say thanks for the wisdom and for making time to share it! It’s fun to see I’m not the only one thinking she can “do it all” and rock at everything!
I like the concise way you say it. Right now I’m starting a period of scaling back and getting some mental health treatment due to PPD and burnout. That’s good advice to just accept the limitations of motherhood. I’m tired of being limited, though. Being a mom is just part of who I am, and it’s not really my favorite part. We just had our third, and I’m thankful we know our limit for the number of limitations we can healthily handle in our lives!
Thank you! I need to take a step back and refocus on what’s important. I want to be a happy, loving mother. We are limited and I need to remember that. So when I have a surprise inlaw at the door who makes a snarky comment on my messy house, I can remind myself that its okay cuz i had to take the extra time and hold my babies. Instead of trying to make my house spotless and get annoyed, I’m going to take my time because before you know ot they’re grown. I love reading your words of wisdom!
If your husband lets you get away? They are his kids too.
Of course they are! But some husbands REFUSE to watch the kids. Sad, isn’t it?
What do I do when I feel overwhelmed by the quiet of the day? I feel very bored easily at home. I have a 3 yo and an almost 1 yo. When we’re at the park, with friends, family or at moms group I’m much happier. I also feel anxious when they’re both clingy. Not really the baby. But when my oldest is clingy and won’t play alone it drives me crazy. I always give her one on one attention and it’s never enough…..
Thank you for this entry!
You are so so welcome :) I hope it encouraged you!
Thanks for this post, Rachel!
You are absolutely right – I find myself more discerning and selective about how I spend my time and my attention ever since becoming a mom.
We don’t even own a TV at home, and instead have a shelf full of books and I spend whatever free time I have left reading or something truly fun and engaging. I stop and think very hard before buying anything, so as to limit what I have to maintain and clean up on a day to day basis. I stop buying new makeup or clothes because first, where am I going to go looking all fancy (sigh! but true), but also because in the whole scheme of things (childcare, self-care and time with the husband etc), I suddenly realize how superficial it is to dedicate time for that. I have left my old “carefree” (or careless, now to think of it) self behind, and while I used to lament it, now I feel liberated.
My limits have honed in me a laser-sharp focus of what matters in life. Thanks again!
Thank you for calling out this issue. I have 2 little ones and I’ve developed into a bit of a neat freak. Not to mention ‘I want to be prepared for anything’, so I have lots of stuff I know I’m not likely to need, so I have clutter. I feel like my children’s stuff is running this house and not the other way around. Learning ‘No’ is a lesson we’re working on with my toddler. I now realize it’s one that I need a refresher on as well. Thank you for your honest approach.
Megan, I’m so glad you were encouraged! You are right where so many other moms are or have been. It’s a hard place to want to be organized and prepared and tidy and orderly, and then trying not to cross into over controlling that you actually don’t like. Best of luck, mama!
Why on earth would you want 5 kids?!? Haha! I have one and feel the same!!
Charlotte, ha! :) We just kept loving it and kept going.
My church has a moms social group called GEMs – Good Enough Moms. (I have yet to make it to a meeting but…) I remind myself often of that idea – does it have to be perfect or can it just be good enough? What’s the real goal – what need are you trying to meet? Do it and be done.
And thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who has to break the habit of thinking, if I just get the perfect ______ (routine, product, schedule, etc) it will all fall into place.
It won’t, it may get easier, then something will change and it will get all jacked up again b/c something is always changing or on the cusp or changing. Anyway, thank you for being honest.
That’s an excellent idea, good enough moms. which probably encourages you to do your best and be okay with that!
Thank you for this encouraging post! I have been dealing with a lot of mom burnout lately and this made me feel better
I’m so glad it did, Megan. Mom burnout is totally real!
The silver lining during covid has been self-discovery of self-care. This resinates all too well.