Sleep training can seem like a daunting task. It’s a task that takes effort and intuition, but it’s worth it. Here are some tips to get started:
This post is for the tired mom out there who are wondering…
- when should I sleep train and
- is sleep training really traumatic for my baby?
It’s human nature to want the best result possible with as little effort as possible. In fact, that’s pretty much what efficiency is. Figuring out how to do as little as possible and still have a great result.
I agree with this because I’m exactly like this.
I’m not too lazy to do hard work, but too smart to work hard unnecessarily. Someone once said, a good strategy in life is to design for laziness.
This doesn’t mean to become a lazy bum.
Oh no…
It means doing the smart work beforehand so – when your lazy moment hits – you’ll already be reaping the benefits of hard work done.
- It’s a cleaning caddy in one place instead of supplies spread around the house.
- Meal planning so you don’t have to get take out.
- Automating your bills and giving so you don’t forget or overspend.
- It’s sleep training early so you can reap the benefits later when you need it instead of taking shortcuts for a few moments’ rest.
- It’s thinking about the result you want later, and doing it now.
Fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t stay asleep, or is unsettled in general.
What's in this post...
This delayed gratification means the hard work comes first.
And then you’ll consistently reap the benefits for years to come.
Now, of course I’m not saying that mothers who don’t sleep train are lazy. I’m actually saying mothers who don’t sleep train are working harder than they have to.
I won’t give a timeline for sleep training since every situation is different, but I will say this. It will eventually have to be done and the older they get the harder the fight.
A major reason crying it out (or controlled crying) has a horrible reputation is that people wait until they have toddlers to sleep train.
At this age, the process can be highly traumatic for everyone involved. This is not usually the case with babies.
In fact, my youngest pretty much sleep trained from birth with minimal crying. I put him down when he was tired, he went to sleep, and that was that. And it’s not because he’s just perfect (which of course he is), it’s because sleep training works.
Know what sleep training is and what it isn’t.
Sleep training is teaching your baby to fall asleep on their own using their tiredness cues as a guide.
- This might be gently rocking them until they’re drowsy but still awake, and putting them in their crib.
- It is watching for signs of tiredness – eye rubbing, yawning, etc. – and putting them in their crib after kisses and cuddles to fall asleep on their own.
- It might be following the 4 S’s (setting the stage, swaddling, sitting, shushing). It might mean waiting outside the door a few minutes while your baby settles into a nap.
- Sleep training does not equal letting your baby scream for hours in a dark lonely room away from family to teach them some kind of lesson.
- Sleep training is not depriving your child of time or contact with you.
I smother my babies with love and hugs and kisses and always have. Sleep training is not making your baby sleep when they don’t want to, it’s helping them get to sleep when they need to. If your children (whatever their age) are good sleepers you’ll agree.
Babies and children that sleep through the night are a blessing to everyone in the house.
Do you love them less if they’re up every hour? Of course not, how ridiculous. But why on earth do they need to be up every hour?
Tried-and-true *hands on* newborn settling strategies that even the most fussy (or wide-awake-sleep-refusing) newborns cannot resist!
Learn MoreDon’t wait until they won’t nap.
Even with older children, nighttime sleep can usually be sorted within a week if you get down to business.
However, if you wait too long they may never get into a good napping routine- they may try to drop naps altogether earlier than they should, or fight tooth and nail to be put down.
Babies who are used to napping become toddlers who go to bed willingly. Not because you are threatening them with no candy, TV, or Lego. They do this because they know what it feels like to be tired, and it’s not as pleasant as being rested.
The earlier you get your children into a good napping routine the better nappers you’ll have. It’s great to have children who sleep all night. It’s even better to have children who sleep all night and take naps during the day.
Create sustainable sleep habits for your little lamb so the whole family can sleep peacefully without the stress, drama, and tears.
Learn MoreSleep train in a way that you are comfortable with.
Every mother is different, and there are more sleep training “methods” than can be talked about.
- Some moms put their baby to sleep and return every few minutes if the baby cries, lengthening the time between trips.
- Some mothers will rock their babies into a drowsy but slightly awake stage then put the baby in the crib and walk out.
- Others might sit down with their babies, or some may lie down with them for a time, still allowing their babies to go to sleep on their own.
I don’t think it matters how you do it.
What’s important is that when possible you’re teaching your baby to fall asleep on its own.
Fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t *stay* asleep, or is unsettled in general.
Avoid props that turn into crutches.
A sleep prop is something your baby needs to sleep that eventually becomes a crutch.
Crutches may include…
- breastfeeding your baby to sleep,
- rocking to sleep, or
- even a pacifier.
Some mothers won’t give their babies pacifiers for this very reason. We do pacifiers at the beginning of naps or nighttime, but don’t go in to reinsert it.
If your baby wakes up for the pacifier multiple times throughout the night, you know it’s time to send it back to the stork.
If your baby won’t take full naps or wakes frequently during the night looking for their “fix,” they have a sleep prop. Once you’ve identified the prop you can work towards removing it.
Keep your eyes on the prize.
If you’re feeling sleep deprived or dealing with a baby who seems to fight sleep, be encouraged.
There is a way forward and you can get there!
Our bodies are created for regenerative sleep. It’s a great thing, not torture. Babies and children enjoy being well-rested, and our job is to help them remain in that state on a regular basis.
Keep a close eye on your children’s sleep cues, and act quickly to make the window.
If you go in to soothe a baby that is being weaned from nighttime feeds, remember you feed them well during the day, and are working towards their well-being, not against it. Feed them well during the day and you’ll know they don’t need milk at night.
If your 20-month-old says they don’t need naps anymore, even though it’s obvious they’re tired, put them down anyway. Remember, it’s for their own good and they’ll probably wake up happy.
Fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t stay asleep, or is unsettled in general.
There’s no real right or wrong way to sleep train. I’d encourage you to start as soon as you are comfortable because the earlier you begin the sooner it’s finished. Likewise, the later you begin the harder they fight.
Even adults fight against what’s best for us at times.
Ezzo gave this quote referring to credit card parenting, but I think it applies here as well.
When I write about sleep-training, I always feel so misunderstood…like it came out all wrong. This is a beautifully written post. You really do have a real talent, Rachel. I have yet to find a single mother, who did sleep training from a very early age, that did not have a very positive experience and love every single reward. We sleep-trained our first born, and it’s made all the difference in the world to my child, my husband, myself, and my marriage.
Thanks for your kind words, Lauren. I want moms to feel that they aren’t doing anything wrong, but that there are much easier ways! If you are not sleeping at all or doing a million tricks to get them to sleep it’s SO MUCH MORE WORK than a few weeks (or less) of sleep training. I want to gift them the gift of sleep…. honestly… only when you’ve gone without it do you know how valuable it is!
Hi Rachel!
I just bought your book and was reading the sample schedules for 6 weeks to 3 months old, and I had a few questions! First, you are the first one I’ve seen to generate a schedule for babies with sleep cycle transition issues-so thank you!! I was really struggling with feeling like I was doing something wrong since I couldn’t get my little one to be on a 3 hour cycle. But, I guess I’m a little concerned that if she’s feeding that often, when she’s not really needing to eat, is that going to train her to always want to eat that regularly? Or will she hopefully (eventually) merge into longer cycles of eat/wake/sleep? And she fights going down for sleep. I feel like I’ve tried varying wake tones to see what works for her, but I have to pretty much rock her to sleep and then transfer her to her crib. If she goes down awake, she’ll stay awake for really long (even though I know she’s tired). So then I end up going in and helping her get to sleep because I don’t want to fight the overtired battle. Any suggestions?
Hi Marlee, so is the issue she struggles with transitoin? Also, it’s fairly normal for a baby to take up to ten minutes or even more to stare off into space, zone out,a dn then put themselves to sleep for a longer nap. If you wait and let and let her get to sleep, will she stay?
Awesome post, Rachel! We started sleep training our daughter at 5-6 weeks, but I figure with any future babies, I’d rather just do it from birth, because it makes no sense to spend a month or two teaching them, “This is how you go to sleep,” and then one day change the rules and say, “Nevermind all that. THIS is how you really go to sleep.”
Ha, that’s how I felt too. And honestly, from birth to the 6 week mark you are spending more time trying to keep them awake to feed then worrying about it too much. I just always try to keep them awake for a teeny bit and then put them in their crib. I want to shout “it’s not hard work, it’s easier than jumping through circus hoops just to get them to sleep for 45 minutes!!!!”
Visiting you from Bitta Kidda -The Wearable Lovie. Absolutely loved this post and the way you explained the value of sleep training. Allowing a baby to learn how to self-soothe is so important and in our opinion, the skill transcends the crib and creates self-confidence as they grow and are introduced to new situations.
totally agree Jamie! Couldn’t have put it better myself! Next baby I am getting one of those wearable lovies :)
Good thoughts. In the process of trying to gently sleep train the new baby, but I’m afraid consistency has not been great. He’s my last, so I’m having trouble trading in the sleepy snuggles for sleep training. On the other hand, having to snuggle him to sleep with the other three running free is getting to be a bit much too. *sigh* Gotta get on that.
I know exactly how you feel. The calm non wiggly snuggles are the besttttt
This is a very timely post as we’re working on sleep training our third baby, now five weeks old! :)
We start sleep training our babies at about 11 days old. It worked perfectly for our first – he only cried it out (for 15 minutes maybe) one time, and then put himself to sleep with very little fussing after that. Our second baby cried a lot and I wasn’t sure if she was gassy or not so I went in to pick her up too often. But, by two or three months she was fully sleep trained where we could just put her down awake at nap time and know that she would calmly go to sleep. Both were sleeping through the night by three months as well.
My third baby sleeps very well once he falls asleep but sometimes he seems to have trouble calming down (about once or twice a day he cries and cries and cries and gets all worked up – even if I’m holding him). I was avoiding the pacifier because of the pain of breaking it later (we took it away from our first at seven months and that was NOT fun) but upon reading that it was possible to use the pacifier as a tool instead of a prop I tried it last night. He calmed down right away and went right to sleep!
I love the benefits of sleep training but it does take some work. It’s so hard to hear the baby cry, even if they only cry for a couple minutes. But the benefits are wonderful! And with this baby being my third, I don’t always have the luxury of rocking him for twenty minutes – inevitably some child needs help going potty or I need to help the children resolve a conflict or something. Knowing that my baby can go to sleep on his own really helps everything run more smoothly.
Thanks for adingthis richness to the comments. I use pacifiers as a tool and think they can be used without becoming a prop if you are careful! And you are right the training is work and consistency, but soon it keeps on paying even when you dont do much!
We did things a bit differently with each of our kids and it was interesting to me that they both became capable of sleeping through the night (from 8pm to 7am) at about 1 year of age. With both babies, we would begin the night with a consistent bedtime, put to sleep in their crib. With our first, when the first nighttime wake happened, we were bottle feeding and so one of us would get up and give a bottle, rock and put back down. Gradually, that first nighttime stretch became longer and longer. If there was another nighttime wake, we would keep her in her crib but pat her back and shhh, except when we really felt she was hungry again. (This is the part I ditched the second time around. I feel that it contributed to the fact that she had more trouble with her social-emotional development than our second child.) Yes, looking back I would have liked to have had more support when learning to breastfeed and that I had understood that it is OK to pick up a crying baby. But the patting back/shhhshing does “teach” that the crib is a safe place and I do think that’s important. We also used a swaddle until she was rolling and we used a sound machine. With our second child, a son, breastfeeding was going well. Again, I would put him down at a consistent time in his bed. When he awoke, I would bring him into our bed and co-sleep the rest of the night. There was a lot less crying with this “method.” I mean A LOT. And a lot less hunching over the crib to make sure the baby felt secure. And I felt much more rested than I had the first time around, too. Was it easy? Of course not. But eventually he stopped needing to breastfeed at night and therefore we weren’t co-sleeping anymore. His social-emotional development has been markedly different than our first. He is a cuddler. He is secure. And it’s BECAUSE of the attachment and added security I gave him that he falls asleep in his big boy bed in 2.5 seconds whether it’s night-night or naptime. Our daughter has a lot more trouble falling asleep to this day. She’s always up for water/potty/whatever and naptime takes equally as long. However you get your child to feel secure and become a good sleeper is fine for you. I’m just sharing my own experience. I love my children equally and I’m so proud of each of them, especially how smart and sweet our daughter is! But I can’t help but notice our relationship with our son is so easy. It’s tough to explain to outsiders.
Thanks so much for sharing, Jenny! Personality differences do account for so much I think too. And what the mother is comfortable with and willing to do as well! Maybe your son is a cuddler so co-sleeping worked but maybe a child who isn’t wouldn’t? I have no idea obviously but love thinking about this stuff. My daughter would not sleep if I came back in to pat her, whereas my son would take a pat and go right back to bed! Thanks so much for enriching the comments with your experience!
Thanks, Rachel! I appreciate your very kind response. I’ll never know whether my daughter would have taken to it since we didn’t attempt. Bottle feeders unfortunately don’t have the option to safely co-sleep according to guidelines. My personal belief is all babies benefit greatly from exclusive breastfeeding and gentle, baby-led weaning. You’re right though — it looks a bit different for every child and family and of course the parents’ needs are important too. If mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy! :-)