Your baby or toddler may start showing some separation anxiety at bedtime, here are simple research backed solutions.
The struggle for parents with babies and toddlers dealing with separation anxiety at bedtime is real.
You want to put your little one down to sleep and there is panic. Tears. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. You think… is it a tantrum? Is it stalling?
Or are they actually frightened?
The separation angst may come at any time, but can be worse at nap and bedtime. Where you once had a pleasant, peaceful routine, you now have lots of tears in little ones.
And pleading and excuse-making in older kids.
What's in this post...
What does separation anxiety look like for babies and toddlers?
A formerly great sleeper can turn into an anxious little one who needs constant reassurance, making leaving for the day, or even just a break for the bathroom, spiked with anxiety – for you AND your baby.
It’s good to be reminded that this phase is a normal developmental milestone and part of a secure attachment.
- Separation anxiety usually starts around 9 months old and can last all the way through 18 months.
- It may pop up again in the older toddler years, too, as children start leaving for preschool or daycare and having new fears of the dark or nightmares / night terrors.
- It coincides with the development of object permanence. And with the baby’s newly expanding awareness of the wide-wide world outside of their own little bubble.
The main symptoms are:
- Crying upon separation from parent or caregiver
- Anxiously clinging to parent throughout the day
- Fighting bedtime or regularly waking up at night looking for reassurance
- Refusing to go to sleep without a parent present
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
As loving parents, we may be tempted to never leave our child to save them from the stress of it. We fear we may damage our attachment with them.
After all, we care deeply about forming and maintaining a secure attachment to our child, and the tears and tantrums surrounding separation can make us feel like we are going the wrong direction.
But the truth about attachment is very reassuring. In a study (linked in sources) looking at nuanced studies surrounding secure attachment, parents can be reassured.
A secure attachment is built and maintained NOT by being present 100% of the time or immediately meeting every request and need (an impossible task anyway). Rather, it is forged by repairing and comforting and continuing to return.
Read: Is Sleep Training a Baby Bad or Dangerous? Let’s Talk Facts!
However, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be sensitive to the particular needs of our child during this developmental stage. The good news is, there are helpful tips and practices that will guide you through this time and help you come out the other side with an even more secure attachment.
1) Know that this is a normal developmental phase.
The tears don’t indicate trauma or undue amounts of stress for your child, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong as a parent. In some cases a drastic life change may be responsible (moving, death, divorce, starting preschool, etc.).
But if nothing has changed, it’s likely just developmental.
This too, really shall pass.
Read: 12 Medical Reasons Why Your Baby’s Not Sleeping (With Symptoms of Each)
Secure attachment is built and maintained NOT by being present 100% of the time. Or immediately meeting every request and need (an impossible task anyway). rnrnRather, it’s forged by repairing and comforting and continuing to return.
2) Help reinforce object permanence.
Part of what is going on developmentally for your baby or toddler during separation anxiety is the learning of the concept of object permanence.
Are you really still there even when they can’t see you? Will you really return? Playing peek-a-boo, either between yourself and your child or with an object like a ball or their favorite toy, can help make separation seem more fun and also reinforce the concept that you will always return.Â
You can even do this by putting them in their crib during non-nap or bedtimes and playing a fun game of peekaboo with you outside the door.
This is why sneaking out does not help. In fact, it can reinforce anxiety at separation. Don’t pretend you won’t leave, then leave. This is, indirectly, dishonest.
Read: The Top 10 Indicators It’s Time to Sleep Train
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
3) Stay calm, confident, and keep your routine
Research shows that a mother’s level of anxiety during separation is directly linked to the child’s level of anxiety.
This makes sense.
If your babe cries, then you have all sorts of fight-or-flight reactions and think…
“Making my child sleep is traumatizing. I cannot traumatize. In fact, I am traumatized thinking I am causing trauma. I will do whatever it takes.“
This sends a message to the child that THEY WERE RIGHT to worry because… see… mom is worried too!!!
The more you can exude confidence and calm to your child during the emotional moments, the more they will model your behavior and trust that everything really is ok.
So, while you’ll be tempted to prolong bedtime with lots of extra reassurance, don’t. And don’t start undesirable and unsustainable habits like co-sleeping or laying with them until they fall asleep (which may give the wrong message that everything really isn’t okay).
Stick with your normal bedtime routine as much as possible. Be positive, firm, and loving, and then stick with your boundaries. This consistency will give them confidence.
4) Choose a gentle sleep training method.
If bedtime, naptime, or overnight sleep has become a huge battle, choose an appropriate sleep training method to get back on track. You may need to try a different method than what you’ve used before.
If your baby or toddler is really in the thick of separation anxiety, then choosing a fast, abrupt sleep training method could really exasperate those symptoms.
The good news is, there are other options. My sleep class will help you find the best solution for your child’s developmental phase, temperament, and your personal parenting style.
A gradual method or in-the-room method will often be the best option during this stage because you can put necessary boundaries around sleep again, while also providing reassurance.
Create sustainable sleep habits for your little lamb so the whole family can sleep peacefully without the stress, drama, and tears.
Learn More5) Introduce a transitional or comfort object.
If your child doesn’t have one already, now is a great time to introduce a lovey or comfort item (check with your pediatrician if your child is under 1.)
Having something physical to hold on to can be a great comfort whether for bedtime, nap time, or going off to daycare. I like these and these.
Keep a night light on, the closet light on with the doors shut, etc. to create some light for those scared of the dark. It may create some shadows which can send your child down a whole other path, ha, but is worth considering.
6) Make sure your child’s physical needs are met.
If your child is hungry or overtired, the emotions surrounding separation will likely be even more pronounced.
This is why having a healthy age appropriate daily routine are are especially critical during this time. Try to plan for separations to happen (like with a new babysitter or date at nana’s) AFTER a good nap and meal.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
7) Know when to seek professional help
There is a line where a child can cross over from normal separation anxiety to a full-blown anxiety disorder called Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD). This happens when a child does not grow out of separation anxiety and where the fear of being left interferes with daily life.
If your child is over 5 years old and experiencing symptoms such as extreme fear and panic around separation from a parent, nightmares about being separated, and even physical symptoms such as tummy aches and bed-wetting, seek professional help.
FAQs
Developmental and life changes are the two most common causes. As children grow and reach different developmental stages, they might become more aware of their surroundings and have a greater understanding of being separate from their caregivers. This newfound awareness can trigger separation anxiety.
Stay calm, confident, and keep your routine. Meltdowns and tantrums can be managed in a positive way that doesn’t include pushing back bedtime or adding to your bedtime routine. Offer reassurance, validate their emotions, and assure them that they will see you soon.
For most children, separation anxiety at bedtime due to developmental changes tends to peak around 18 months and can last up until around 3 to 4 years of age. However, it’s important to note that individual experiences can differ, especially if the separation anxiety is due to life changes.
Consistency in bedtime routines plays a crucial role in managing separation anxiety for children. A structured and predictable bedtime routine provides a sense of security and comfort, helping children feel more at ease when it’s time to go to sleep.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Leave a Comment