Inside: How modern moms are raising our kids into victim mentalities without even knowing it. We all want to raise children who turn into responsible and capable adults, but sometimes we inadvertently make the insecure.
We sat on the bed side by side after a harrowing morning.
And that after a harrowing week.
My newly minted 5-year-old girl and myself, having a frank talk. It was a quiet, calm, and kind conversation. I wasn’t Flipping My Lid or being an angry mama.
We were having this talk because I needed to know why she’d started acting like an Angry Alien Child.  My normally compliant, helpful, and positive bright spark had started acting aggressive, angry, and bossy.
But not the “Cute… she’s gonna be a leader” bossy. The “Do what I say or I’ll hit you” type of bossy.
It was not good and I wanted it to stop.
I said, “Honey, why have you been acting so out of character and wild lately?” She looked at me seriously and in an earnest voice said…
“I know… I sometimes do things I shouldn’t do and don’t do the things I want to do. Then I don’t know how to stop.”Â
I was struck by her 5-year-old self-awareness.
She didn’t deny her behavior… She didn’t pretend she had been acting like an angel. She just gave me an honest answer.Â
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
In fact, she’d basically quoted me Scripture.
I told her, “I understand, baby. I don’t always act how I want to either. Still, there are some things we just can’t do.”
“I know, mom,” she said, “I’m going to try to make better choices and remember to ask God to help me do what I’m supposed to do.”
My heart was so proud of her I could have burst. She was real. I was real.
We were honest. And through it all, neither of us condoned negative behavior nor heaped blame on one another.
It was never more clear to me in that moment that my daughter takes responsibility for her actions.
She does not play the victim.Â
A Victim Mentality Says:
- They made me feel this way. (i.e. giving control of your feelings to others)
- He needs to apologize before I can move on. (i.e. giving control of your mental and emotional health to others)
- I couldn’t help it. (i.e. giving your self-control away)
- It’s not my fault. (i.e. giving your responsibility away)
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
How we Unintentionally Raise Kids with “Victim Mentalities”
Again, this would not be the result of one or two occasions, but a consistent style of parenting.
The reason this is so important to me is that for a long time I felt a lot of stress because I blamed others instead of just focusing on what I could control.
Since I’ve realized that was victim thinking, I’ve worked hard to get out of that. It’s made me MUCH happier, more responsible, and less stressed.
1. We interrupt the law of sowing and reaping
➡️ A victim thinks they aren’t in control of the direction of their life.Â
This is a basic law of nature. You reap what you sow. Oh, yes, fine, there are other factors like whether it rained or whether the soil was fertile, but you get the gist.
- If you don’t eat, you’re hungry.
- If you don’t work, you don’t get a paycheck.
- If you hit or slap or kick other kids, you won’t have many friends.
- If you don’t go grocery shopping or plant your own food, there’s nothing to eat.
Simplistic yet important.
If we interrupt this process or attempt to minimize the effects of our kids’ behavior they do not learn that one reaps what one sows. And if they don’t learn this lesson, they’ll never learn to sow what is good, right, and responsible.
Read: Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
2. We interrupt cause and effect
➡️ A victim doesn’t connect action A with reaction B.
This is a learning curve for our kids.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn MoreThey are not born knowing that touching an oven can burn their tiny fingers or that walking onto a road can cause them harm.
This is our job to teach them and we take it seriously.
But, as they age, we often minimize the effects of their actions to prevent frustration or disappointment. We want to avoid meltdowns or hurt feelings.
- They don’t do their homework or score low on a test… and we want to intervene so they still get a good grade.
- They don’t do their chores, but we don’t want them to miss out on their allowance… so we give it to them anyway even though this is against our family rules.
- They tell tall tales, are dishonest, or don’t tell the truth… and we continue to believe what they say even though this gives a mixed message about what trust is.
- They knowingly put off their school assignments… and we stay up all night with them to help them salvage the project.
With kindness and love, we must allow them to experience both the positive and negative effects of their actions.
It’s the only way they learn their actions really matter.Â
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
3. We abstain from proper training and call it grace
➡️ A victim feels life should be great or they’re being treated unfairly.Â
What a blessing that we receive grace both from God and others.
Without it, we’d be lost.
However, along with grace comes discipline. The Bible says God disciplines those He loves and as parents we are no different.
All love and no boundaries raises children who don’t follow any rules and expect you to be okay with it.
If we continually move the boundaries around, step in to prevent our children from being angry, and don’t let them learn from their mistakes, we’ll raise kids who expect others to clean up their messes.
Read: What Happens When You Let Your Kids Bend The House Rules
4. We create a false world in our homes and try to enforce it elsewhere
➡️ A victim expects others to treat them as they are accustomed.Â
If we bend over backwards to give our children their every whim, switch the cups to the right color, cut every sandwich into perfectly equal squares, or do the things for them they can do for themselves, they’ll have a hard time in life.
- They will expect others to go out of their way to make life easy for them.
- They will not be able to cope when someone doesn’t walk on eggshells around them to help prevent them from feeling disappointed.
- They will feel unloved if others don’t give them their way because, often, victims think that being loved = getting what they want.
They just won’t know how to cope in a world that doesn’t bend to their will and, inevitably, they’ll feel they’re being treated unfairly.
Unjustly.
They will give away control of their own happiness to others.
We can spoil our children with love, time, and attention without raising entitled kids who think everyone else must adjust to their wishes.
It isn’t easy to see our kids uncomfortable.Â
It isn’t always fun to “be the bad guy” and keep boundaries.Â
Yet, truly, it is rewarding to see our kids make good decisions because they know it matters.Â
Frequently Asked Questions
I don’t think that young kids necessarily need to know the term “victim mentality” but there are principles we can teach to shape their minds so that they don’t think of themselves as victims. For example, taking ownership of their actions and the consequences, practicing self-control, and practicing forgiveness when others’ behaviors don’t change.
Healthy self-esteem plays a significant role in preventing a victim mindset in children. When children have a positive self-image and a strong sense of self-worth, they are more likely to face challenges with confidence and resilience rather than adopting a victim mentality.
Don’t step in to interrupt the law of sowing and reaping or cause and effect by letting them make their own decisions (when appropriate) and face the consequences of those decisions. Stand firm in your boundaries and don’t always give them what they want, which creates a false sense of reality.
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
::
I needed this message this morning after my dear 3 year old threw out a treat and then immediately declared he wanted said treat, and then removed a bandaid I had just put on and demanded another one. Holding to consequences is hard for me, especially when there’s a time crunch. Thank you for reaffirming that I’m helping him grow into a good human!!
Yes, Trish, no guilt or stress for letting them live with consequences. It’s HARD in the moment… I totally am with you, but after a few times of doing it, thy honestly catch on!
What a mature 5-year-old! I think it really helps all of us, kids and adults included, to know and to remember that while we are not perfect, we are meant to keep trying. A failure is an opportunity to learn, grow, and do a bit better next time. Sometimes we can only see how far we have come when we look back at the past. I remember times in my teen years when I knew I was struggling with something–studies, or graciousness with others, or being overly touchy, etc. It felt tough, and then I noticed that suddenly it was as if I’d made a big leap forward. I learned then that the hard times are what make us grow, and we’ll see it “on the other side” of the trial.
That is a great description of how we grow in character isn’t it? Times are hard, tough, and we want to give up and then it’s like we jump and things are just… different. In that area. Then we move to another ;)
Rachel,
Thank you do much for this post! I think we are living in a world that believes we must cater to our kids. So not true and it teaches them to just be plain ol selfish! I love your words of wisdom. Blessings to you!
Thank you, Kristin, and you are so right!
I’m very ill, my kids are in foster care. At the end! Parenting skills aren’t my issue, or it may now be because; I stepped up and said “quit coddling my babies! That’s my parenting choice! I’m not raising my kids in this generation unprepared! Life is hard. We don’t always get what we want.
Wow! This was a great read. It was everything I needed to hear. God Bless you and your family! Continue to be obedient to Him, He definitely has His hand on you. What a blessing you are you your children. God Bless
Thank you so much for your kind words!
Good reminder that’s others are not going to be as accommodating as we are.
No, they aren’t!
I love this post. Sometimes I surely need a reminder to keep my home set in “reality” to prevent the entitlement mentality from happening to my kids. I know I can fall into some of these without realizing it. And we are only doing our kids a disservice by setting them up to believe the world will always revolve around them.
All of us can, Stacy, I wrote this to myself too. it’s really so much easier to interrupt these principles, isn’t it? EAsier on our mama hearts, anyway.
Thank you. I feel as if I could have written this article myself. Our children are gifts and are meant to be enjoyed but God has also called us to the very important task of helping to mold their characters and lead their paths. They are not born wise, they are made wise through life’s journey and the experiences God intends for them but before they can set foot on that path they need leadership and they need to know they are capable. We are meant to survive eternally. Raising survivors rather than victims means sometimes letting the fall and that’s not always easy for a mother to do. Thank you for showing support on this mission and bringing this valuable lesson to light.
Loretta, what an awesome comment and great insight. Thank you so much for sharing!
My husband is really working hard on tjis. My 18 yr old step daughter has lived a life of being a “victim ” ( role modeled by her mother). She was driving us around the other day and was driving 75 in a 60, and I reminded her of the speed limit. Anyway… things went on and on and instead of taking responsibility for her own actions she decided to pull over and said “Fine, I’m just gonna walk home from here!” (about 4 miles) so she got out of the car and we headed to our destination. Well, about 5 minutes later she called my husband back asking for a ride. I am so proud of him. He didn’t give in!
Ha, love these stories and I’m sure she will too when she grows up. I often find myself telling my kids as well, “You said you didn’t want it so I gave it away. Next time, think harder before speaking.” It matters what we agree to!
Amazing article
N I am one of the core believer of “u reap what u sow”
Taking responsibility is the most important thing a mother can teach her child …. I can see glimpses of myself in my 3 year old girl
She reacts and keeps her head cool
Says sorry when she knows she has done bad …. Ofcourse there are those days when she’s just being a toddler but she knows mama is there to love and the-go-to place when she wants to talk
She know it’s okay to have moods and lows but she also knows it’s not okay to channel it on her siblings or ppl around
Thanks for the message yet again:)
Thanks for commenting, Fatema, I’m a big believer too :)
I really do find a lot of wisdom and truth in your article, but I have one thing that I’m wondering. Why is it “moms” and not “parents?”
I think Dads can and should be invested in the upbringing of their child so I’m just confused on why it’s such a rare thing to see dads addressed in these words of advice.
Hi there! I think “parent” is perfectly interchangeable with “mom” here, but 99% of my readers are moms so that’s who I write to :)
Totally on this one and interchanging mom/parent isn’t that easy. Being a mom comes with a lot of expectations – from others and ourselves. Why is it always a mother’s fault when things go wrong – just look at pop culture.
As this blog is focused on women, I would say it’s even more important to address this head on and show women that the burden of emotional labour in the house isn’t just on their shoulders.
I really think you’re so right about this. There is SUCH a sense that the whole world is on our shoulders and that if we do one little thing wrong then the kids will have horrible lives. I love you pointing out that the whole emotional work isn’t just moms, great point!
I am Muslim, but spend a lot of time of Christian moms blogs as the value systems line up so well and there are so few muslim momma bloggers, i loved this and agreed with it in nearly every way. I watch my sister doing many of these things with her child and don’t know how to step in and try to guide her without offending her. I guess linking this blog might not be the best method either, haha
Hahaha, probably not ;) Thanks for your encouragement!
Well said! I will be sharing it on all my social platforms hoping that those words reach as many moms out there as possible. Thanks for posting.
Wow, Margaret, thank you for that!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write and share this post. I’ll be sharing it tomorrow on my FB page and pinning now!
Have a great day!
Thank you so much :) Going to check out your blog now!
I completely agree with your perspective… except. What about when you’re parenting a child with special needs? I was totally on board with tough love and with letting actions have consequences, etc, until I tried to parent my Aspie son that way. Maybe the process of learning to take responsibility will just have to be a longer one for us? I honestly don’t know. I just wanted to put this out there in case there are other moms on here reading this who might feel discouraged.
Grace, thanks for putting this. I don’t write geared towards special needs since my children are not, but I do get emails here and there when moms say they tried x or z and it didn’t work for their child so THANK YOU for mentioning it. I think you simply have to do the best you can (as you clearly are) and know that each child is different and won’t fit into a mold. I have a friend whose son is special needs and she swears the “best parenting practices” just don’t phase him. You simply can’t know!
I just wanted to second that about special needs. I’ve just came across your blog and I love the time and effort you put into helping others. A lot of which I apply to my own kids especially natural consequences :)
I have a additional needs child and also a foster child and it would have been lovely to see a wee note just to say that this doesn’t apply to all children and maybe a reference to Ross Greene method of Collaborative Problem Solving(The Explosive child Book) if you find this strategies are harming your child. The journey your take as a special needs mom is so full of judgment for mom and child and advice which doesn’t work, especially in the early years when you don’t understand your child has different needs. It takes a lot of repair in the later years.
Thank you for all your hard work and research and I will continue to follow you now though!
yes, one of my children has ADHD and ODD I believe (awaiting final assessment) and I’ll tell you the normal easy strategies that work with my 4 other kids backfire with him. He requires MUCH more.
I think it’s also worth noting that having a child who has a victim mentality does not necessarily mean that your parenting style is to blame. I’m an adoptive mother to a, now, ten year old who has lived with us since he was five. He has a victim mentality and believe me when I say there is nothing in my parenting style that would encourage such a thought process!
Emma, glad you put that here and you are too right. Some personality types are actually far more prone to the victim mentality than others due to their natural temperament. Also, prior life experience (particularly if they have had a rough time of it) plays a huge role. Thanks for your comment
Emma, i am also struggling with this. I am adopting my nephew who lived with his parents until he was five then his uncle until 7 now he is with me and struggling with actions and reactions. He does not want to do his school work but wants to go to pathfinders. If he asks for something like a movie or to go do somthing special i always respond with did you do—–? Whichever responsibility he was supposed to do that day. If his answer is no then my answer is no. He has been with us for a little over 3 months so hoping it will sink in soon.
Brttany, I see that it would be really hard trying t parent a child the same way as th eothers when you didn’t get to put in those foundational years. Praying your perseverance and love will see it through!
I needed this today. My 4yo is extremely kind and compassionate but extremely emotional. Most of the time he’s in tune with his emotions but recently he’s started to say “S/He made me sad…” and I haven’t stepped back and evaluated his reaction but now I know that I need to respond with, “No, they didn’t make you sad, you’re feeling sad because….” My mom has always told me no one is in control of your emotions but you, and this just opened my eyes to my son and his emotional reaction when things don’t go his way at certain times. It’s small in relation to other issues out there, but this will be gently nipped in the bud!! Thanks so much!
Yes! My emotional child does this too and, while of course we understand their point, it’s putting too much power in the hands of another when our own emotional well-being needs to be something we take care of. Great point!
Thanks for posting this. I am an elementary school teacher and I see this pattern of behavior with children/parents all the time. I hope many good parents learn from your article!
Thank you SO MUCH, SR!
Great piece!
What if your 6 year old thinks the world revolves around them because I needed implement this years ago? Ugh! Just start now?
Thanks
Oh yes, just start now!
I guess I’m discovering I’m already on a bad path of this. My son was born with lots of gut issues. He had reflux and his skin has been covered in eczema. He has inflammation in his colon and makes too little stomach acid. Sigh. So when he doesn’t want to eat (he is 16 months now) I run frantically around the kitchen trying to find something he will eat! I have always been so desperate to get him to eat that I would do ANYTHING. So now I am still nursing constantly and making him 5 different things for every meal. It has to stop. But it’s not like you let a baby experience consequences. Where was the line supposed to be drawn? And dang it when did he stop being a baby??? I must have blinked!
Shawna, please don’t beat yourself up girl. Food allergies and medical complications are just a different consideration! While I agree those aren’t habits you’re gonna love keeping forever, do you think you’ll know which your child at what age you can start transitioning into something different? My son has eczema too and food allergies so I know, trust me!
Just what I needed to read! Our almost 6 year old has done the same thing- flipped seemingly overnight into a very angry child! It’s had me really questioning my parenting and feeling very insecure and anxious that I have messed up something huge….but I didn’t know WHAT! After reading your approach I will try to talk to her again this morning— and I think I know the things that need to change in our household! Its so easy to cave to your children- even when you know you shouldn’t- especially when you are dealing with your own stresses!
Thank you!
Tanya, we ALL do this though don’t we? In our home I find that sometimes it’s just a few weeks of a change I’ve made (on purpose or not) and then with a few little tweaks we’re back to being good.
Wow, your kid is so mature! I am impressed.
Teaching kids emotional maturity and resilience is so important, but far too many people just don’t realise how necessary it is. They just expect their kids understand appropriate behaviour, and they don’t realise that it’s a skill that needs to be taught, just like reading or writing.
One thing I’d like to add, though, is that sometimes kids will develop a victim mentality, and it’s actually part of a bigger problem. Kids can get mental illnesses like anxiety and depression, just like adults, but a lot of people just don’t realise this. And sometimes physical illnesses or injuries can cause personality changes that looks like the kid’s developed a victim mentality. If you alter your parenting style and you’re sure the kid’s not being bullied etc. and your kid’s still behaving like a victim, then it might be a good idea to consider the child’s general health
Michaela, I totally agree with you. Physical health, recurring infections, long going struggles, etc. wear us all down to the point we can all develop that “victim” mentality, huh? Thanks fora dding to to the convo with your great point.
I would like to sign up for the free email series about victim conscious, however, I’m not seeing an image to click. Can you subscribe me?
Kelly, it’s a course about going from chaos to peace in your home. Is the image at the very bottom of the post saying ‘Learn More’ there?
When I was a kid, my parents did the “parenting” absolutely in line with your post and I am so grateful for that. I was also blessed with grandparents that broke every rule and spoiled us grandkids rotten, all with my parents blessing! (When I say spoiled, I do not mean we were allowed to be disrespectful or bratty, only that they let us run the roost as they say! My granny would make each of us our favorite foods and snacks, and papa would let us drive on the dirt roads and play in in the mud and stay out way passed dark chasing lightning bugs and playing hide and seek)! We had the best of both worlds! Now that I am a grandparent, I am carrying on that tradition and it really works for our family. It is definitely a balance and it makes the grands feel super special during visits! What happens at the GP’s (grandparents), stays at the grandparents!!
Pamela, I think this is a perfect balance. We let Nana spoil the kids as well (again, not disrespectful but just all the loves and joys of grandparenting) and we don’t mind one bit. I think it’s the joy of having been able to raise your own kids then not worry about that “mean mom” stuff :) I love this comment. You’ve made my day!
I just have to tell you a story. I really struggle with overindulging my kids, and have been trying to be aware and stay on top of this problem of mine. Yesterday my 5 year old was complaining about a chore they did not want to do when my 4 year old piped up saying “oh just do it. I guess you’ll survive!” Part of me wanted to bust out laughing, but I felt true success! i must stick to my non indulgence policy more than I realize.
Ha, you are doing a great job, mama!
hi. just want to ask what to tell my daughter about a situation that happened in school. she has a group of girl friends who are her classmates. so they played outside the school building aftter lunch..she told me that she cried because when the whistle blew which means to fall in line to go back inside the school, her friends left her and not waited for her. so she started crying. the she said her friends came back and apologize.. i don’t know what to really tell her but i don’t want her to be bery dependent with her group of friends. i would like to her to be strong. i told her she can play with other classmates buf she said she is shy..pls advice
Well that is nice they came back to apologize, right? Is she a sensitive soul?
I loved this article and would love to read more.
I just came across this blog post and am wondering if I could get the email series that you mentioned in the post? I know I’m several months late!
Hi Caroline, if you click on the image at the very bottom or the words ‘click here’ then you can sign up that way!
I needed to read these articles so badly! I have a son who will be 4 in 2 days. He is extremely stubborn and will throw a fit forever until he gets his way or he will beg and beg. I use to give in to him all the time because he just wouldn’t stop. I have stopped giving in tho or the cycle would never end> he was always so good and then boom he started being disrespectful,talking back,throwing horrible tantrums and demanding things from us right now. It has been so draining.and nothing seems to work, so now I’m here and reading everything I can
So thank you so much for these articles. they have helped a lot and I signed up for the email.Thanks again
Samantha, I’m thinking about you and praying you can keep going. Sometimes it’s hard and we do a lot of the same things over and over again before it bears fruit.
Hi , Rachel
My son is 7 years old and I feel he has not yet learned the concept of responsibility or belonging as he lose his pencil,eraser sharpener etc almost everyday. IS it okay or I am over expecting dont know pls help
I would just try to teach it to him beginning now. Kids don’t necessarily understand these concepts early so this is a great time to start
Pls include me in your email list:)
Thx
Sounds like a great series. Would love to get your email series.
How do i sign up for the email series? I don’t see an image to click.
At the very bottom of the post you can either click on the ‘click here’ or the image that shows up. Hope that helps!
Thank you for this message! I definitely try to stick to this way of parenting (not letting them be the victim), but as a single mom I feel like I have to wear the hat of many! Inevitably, i feel this “mom guilt” more often. I needed this message because just the other night my 4 year old boy threw a toy that hit a friend in the face and my friend said (very sternly) “hey, apologize, apologize right now” I thought it was a joke at first, but realized it wasn’t, and while i think he should apologize i was crushed to see his little face drop in embarrassment and my heart shattered. He has been through SO much in his short 4 years (divorce, 3 different living situations, becoming a big brother, and mommy going to work, I was a SAHM for 3.5 years) I have watched my sassy, loving, “says hi to anything that breaths” boy, become shy, and timid in new situations. just not himself. I JUST had a talk with him about “being himself” and that he doesn’t have to feel weird or embarrassed around people (even some family), then this happened. I said that he doesn’t have to feel that way, but I understand why he might and thats ok too. I just feel like I
I am torn with the thought of letting him learn the life lesson of “some people will have different reaction than others and they may not be as nice or polite as you expect” and wanting to politely back hand, said friend for making him feel this way. I am still thinking about it today, i feel like i let him down, like i didn’t protect his feelings or him. I have a 1.5 y/o as well, but he has known no different ( he was 3 months old when we left) but I am VERY protective of my 4 year old because of all the stuff he has been through. Like I said, I do not like to let them play the victim and teach him that he has to make good decisions and if he doesn’t than those bad decisions have consequences, and he really gets that.
I really needed to read this today. Thank you so much.
It appears that women for the most part are not very good parents. Great nurturers but when real roll up the sleeves parenting is needed they are too soft.
Women are to round guys are too square but together children grow up with rounded corners.
Don’t forget to let the men do their parts as a parent too.
And yet I have an adult child that regardless of how hard I, and her early years teachers, tried to let her learn from cause and effect, simply couldn’t. She would do the same things over and over and over and get the same results and just have massive, hours long, blood-curdling tantrums. Your suggestions are very good, and will work for most children. But I think we need to be certain not to mom shame, and help moms understand that sometimes, more help is needed.
Thanks for pointing this out. You are absolutely right that sometimes we do all the things that are good and things don’t turn out how we’d like. And some parents do all the things that aren’t helpful, and kids turn out all right. Thanks for speaking up to make sure no one is mom shamed :)
I have a strong-willed 9 month old. Would this series be helpful to me now, or should I bookmark it until she turns 1? I am determined that she will not be selfish and bratty like so many kids we know! I don’t think I could handle that LOL. I want a good little human! :)
Oh I think just reading or learning or filing away any time is good. Keep doing what you’re doing. I have 1 out of 5 that is WAY strong willed and I knew it from early on too. Ha! :)