A “one thing after the other” rhythm helps cut down on parenting battles, meltdowns, and tantrums, and works great for moms.
“Time is not the same in South Africa as it is in other places.”
My colleagues and I looked at each other like… okay… so how will all of these numerous conferences, appointments, and meetings work?
It brought me back to this one time in Mexico when our guide told us we were going on a totally awesome excursion and that we needed to…
“Meet at the theater steps tomorrow afternoon.”
Being the Americans we were… we responded… “What do you mean ‘the afternoon’, afternoon is not a time it’s a time frame,” to which the Mexican guide replied… “See you tomorrow afternoon.”
I won’t tell you how long we sat there.
Anyway back to South Africa…
He said, “In South Africa, this is how time works… one thing happens after the other. When one thing is finished, we move on to the next.
We don’t start the next session until the first is finished, whenever that is. We don’t skip ahead to keep time. We just do things in order.”
I’m not gonna lie… this gave me – a Type A woman through and through – an eye twitch. However, I soon got the hang of it. But it wasn’t until I had children that I realized the real wisdom in this idea.
“Only after A is finished do you get to do B.”
How to gain cooperation and avoid power struggles by “first things first”
This post will help if your kids balk, delay, hassle, wrangle, and try to avoid doing what you’ve asked them. If you’d like to avoid some of the most basic parenting battles we find ourselves in, get these things in order.
Have a good routine down pat
First off, a proper routine makes the whole day go better. You don’t have to be a slave to your Timex or handy dandy absolutely necessary timer. But your kids do need to know the basic order of their days.
What happens when and what to expect. In fact, kids are more secure when they know what to expect.
Do certain things at similar times
By grouping certain activities at regular times during the day, children understand what to expect. They can see that:
- making the bed happens before breakfast
- brushing teeth happens before a bedtime story
- chore time happens before screen time
And on and on. By doing things at regular intervals they are able to anticipate what happens now and what will follow after.
If kids never know what’s happening next they are less likely to follow your lead. It’s a fact, routines are better for both the parent and the child.
Order your daily schedule well
When thinking about your day, choose the order well. Naps after snacks or meals. This way they aren’t hungry trying to sleep. Fun time after some work time.
Don’t put 3 hours worth of tedious activities in a row or getting cooperation will be nearly impossible.
Chore time before outside time or clean up before screen time take out half the work. If they want to do B they have to do A. By ordering your day in a way that flows well many power battles will be cut out.
Say, “First this, then that”
After you’ve ordered your day well and have a good routine, you just enforce it with naturally flowing consequences. We get up and make our beds.
The kids don’t come out of their rooms until the bed is made. Period. Sometimes my daughter will stay in her room and play for 30 minutes (she’s not yet in Kindergarten) and that’s fine. In fact, it’s quieter.
My 3-year-old son will often pretend he’s “never going to fold the towels.” I hand him a stack of towels on the floor of his room and can come out to play and watch a little TV when they’re done.
He may take a while and flail and whine and act like he won’t do it. But I go about my business and, before you know it, they’re folded in a neat pile outside his door where he’s waiting to go watch cartoons.
Read: 30+ consequences you can use for negative and disobedient behavior
Here are printable chore cards to help you teach your children hard work, responsibility and contribution.
Don’t hover and repeat a million times while disciplining
We will become background noise if we stand around saying the same things over and over. They ignore us. We get annoyed. The kids don’t cooperate. We get ticked. They do whatever they want to do.
Then we get angry and take things personal. It’s a big unhappy cycle that goes nowhere and we all end up Past the Point.
How to pick your battles the “South African” way:
- Teach your children the “first things first” rule
- Explain clearly what happens. “First we make our beds then we eat breakfast.“
- Don’t hover and repeat yourself.
- Enforce the order. Don’t let them skip to get out of something.
- Tweak your day until it flows well.
This is how we avoid 90% of power struggles in our home. The other 10%?
Well…
They are kids, after all.
::
I’ve been this way all my life… now I just wish my kids would pick it up…. I will keep trying though…. we’re all different personalities in this house……
But what do you do when the child sits in his room and won’t make the bed, and it is now 10am, two hours past breakfast, school time is beginning and you aren’t getting anywhere? Hold breakfast? he skips breakfast? I mean, when do I just go say “enough is enough, you are being disobedient”. And end the battle with a firm disciplining?
Great question and yes, I mean sometimes they’ll just last forever, won’t they? I’d say at some point if they are being truly defiant about it you’ll just have to give them another consequence or take away a privilege. I heard someone else call it their “currency.” And, perhaps, they can earn that privilege back when they’ve done what they’re told? Or give them another “job” to win it back?
Ok, great! Sounds like what we do at home already. Thanks for the insights!
Yes, indeed, you have to find their “currency “….. as some one told me many years ago. “Keep looking for your child’s currency, as it is amazing what compliance you can get from a prisoner who wants strawberry ice cream!”
EXACTLY! Ha
I loved this post! Being South African myself and just having immigrated to the USA with 4 kids in tow, I won’t lie. It has sometimes been difficult adjusting to a much different culture. I’m SA we have a saying. “See you now now”.. Can you imagine waiting on the steps for that one ? Great post!
http://www.onemessymama.com
Ha, yes!!!! I remember that phrase. Ha!
I love these ideas, and this way of thinking about time, and it’s usually what I do, and it does make our home, for the most part, a peaceful place where things happen like they’re supposed to. But what do you do when there *is* a hard time deadline? My son has been lately taking forever to put on his shoes and grab his backpack in the morning. I give him plenty of advance warnings and lots of time to do the job, but school starts at 9:00, whether he’s ready or not. I can’t let him go without shoes and a backpack, he’d be happy enough for me to just bring the shoes in the car and make him walk to the car barefoot, and it seems incredibly disrespectful to his teacher to show up late, not to mention not fair to my daughter, who also goes to school and who is ready on time. Do you have any tips for how to deal with a situation like this? I hate dropping him off at school when we’re both stressed out and upset at each other, but I *know* he is capable of putting his shoes on and grabbing his backpack without taking 30 minutes to do it.
Rachel, great point and no you can’t let him show up naked to school (if he took it that far… which he wouldn’t, but you get my point) so what I’d probably do is to take away some privilege that he gets after school. Like, if you stall and aren’t ready and in the car on time then you get no TV this afternoon. Think that might work?
I had the same question – how to handle the whining/delays when there *is* a time limit – and this seems like a reasonable solution. How early do you think kids are able to understand delayed consequences though? In your experience will a 3 year old understand enough to change behavior?
I get all this as I am South African. We have 4 Kids. 13,9 (boys ) and 2 girls ( 3 and 29 months) . The funny thing is from this article I realised I have always done this and not consiously aware of it. My eldest is so helpful and gets on and does his jobs. I think he just gets it do my jobs then my mo will let me play, watch tv etc. whereas my other son is a different story. I have always said to my kids we are a family and we all have jobs and I know my kids do a lot more jobs than other kids. My eldest kids were born in NEw Zealand but we live in Australia now. Rachel I have a friend who sent her kid to school in Pj because she wouldn’t get dressed. She mentioned the issues to the teacher so she was aware what was going on. Well she never didn’t get dressed for school again.
Hahaha, that is so funny Lara that she actually sent her in PJs. And why not, I guess, if there’s no uniform? I lived in Australia too. We actually got engaged in Pilanesberg!
Great tips to avoid parenting battles! Keep me posted with your insightful ideas for parenting :)
I have a 18 month old. She has bad temper tantrums. I too , prayed and am hoping He allowed me to see this. I tried the choices this afternoon. I think i am already looking at a change. She is very sneaky too, any tips. Love your posts. BETH
I love this concept! However, it seems exhausting always checking in to see if the bed is REALLY made or room is REALLY clean. Then if I don’t check, and it slips, the kids might think they can get away with it. How do you handle this? I just can’t run around and make sure they’ve ACTUALLY done everything expected of them all day, right?
Okay Melody I feel this too. Not sure, when the kids are young, how to really do this without actually checking? I’m with you, though, I AM ANNOYED by the checking and wish we could just trust it’s done!