We already know you can say “no” without being a mean mom. Here are some consequences moms can use when kids are acting up.
Let’s get one thing out of the way.
Mean moms aren’t bad people.
Mean moms are, by cultural definition, moms who are more worried about their children’s well-being than their momentary happiness. This perspective often means they make decisions that their children don’t like in the moment. And mean moms hold to their choices (if their choices are wise ones) even when these choices make their kids mad.
Before we move on and I get tons of hate mail and everyone is Up In Arms, let’s talk about 4 different types of parenting and where Mean Moms fall.
√ Authoritarian: strict, controlling, often cold and detached, seek total obedience, believe the goal of parenting is to bed the will of the child to a greater authority
√ Authoritative: strict, consistent, loving, and are issue-oriented and pragmatic, they try to balance the responsibility of the child to conform to parental instruction as well as recognizing children are not robots (emphasis my own)
√ Permissive: lenient, avoid confrontation, loving, and allow children to self-regulate
√ Uninvolved: demands nothing, gives nothing
So for the purposes of this post, Mean Moms are Authoritative Parents. Parents who do not make incessant demands, but who have boundaries they keep and discipline occurs when those boundaries are crossed.
Mean moms gives tons of cuddles because it’s good for their kids’ brains. They don’t make unreasonable requests of their children, they make logical ones. They recognize that childishness is not the same thing as foolishness, and they discipline the foolishness while explaining over and over and over again why we don’t do the childish ones.
Consequences when Kids Are Mean to Siblings, Playmates, or Family
- Removal from the play situation or interaction. If a child cannot be kind to a sibling, for example, they must go play elsewhere.
- Set up a “bickering table” (source). Give your kids a time to argue and get it all out. It can be in a conversation if they’re older or a horseplay rough and tumble (if yours are into this sort of thing like mine are). Instead of constantly telling the to stop, let them deal with their frustrations with a moderator. You, the mean mom.
- Have the offending child say 5 nice things about the person they’ve just hurt or offended. This is hard for preschoolers (nearly impossible for toddlers) but they catch on, and it encourages positive connection.
- Go to independent play time and have opportunity to settle down.
- Have a “do over” where they need to say again (or do again) what they should have done in the first place.
Consequences when Kids Refuse to Mind
- Time out. Or time in. Call it what you want, having your child sit tight for a few minutes and think about what’s happening can mean an immediate change of attitude and cooperation.
- Loss of a privilege. If they can’t do what you ask, they can’t have screen time (or insert privilege here). The South African method for cooperation may be the best bet here anyway.
- Use the phrase “I’ll know you’re ready to {do this} when you {do that}.” So, “I’ll know you’re ready to get down and play when you put away your plate. If you won’t put it away, you stay put.” Get many more phrases that work wonders here.
- Early to nap or early to bed. Defiance often occurs when kids are emotionally overloaded which often happens when they’re tired. Sometimes the best thing you can do is lead a kid to their bed.
- Take away a toy. Having toys and games are privileges. If a child is refusing to carry out a responsibility, take away a toy, aka. a privilege. It can be returned upon completion of the task.
Consequences for Fighting Naps or Bedtime
- Going to bed early (if nap was a nightmare) or going to bed early the next night (if bedtime was a nightmare). It’s actually a myth that being tired makes you sleep better. Being tired makes you cranky and crazy.
- No books at bedtime. I don’t actually like this consequence because I love reading with the kids at night, but if a child is throwing themselves down on the ground and making all manner of fuss, it might need to happen.
- The silent return. This isn’t really a “consequence” per se, but if they come out of their room just bring them back without getting into a debate. Over and over and over again. They’ll get the picture.
- You just make them do it. The consequence is that you just get on with bedtime and do it. They might kick and scream and fight sleep (because exhausted babies and toddlers and kids do this) but you just get a grip on your emotions, love cuddle hug, and put them to bed anyway.
Consequences for Tantrums and Fits
- Removal from the scene. If you’re having a family dinner and someone is melting down, you can remove that child from the scene not to isolate them, but to prevent their mood from ruining dinner for everyone else. They can return as soon as they’re feeling better. Remember, you don’t have to make them feel better.
- “Go on the couch and cry cry cry until you’re okay.” When my kids are very upset and whining and crying, I’ll often suggest they go lay on the couch and cry until it’s all out. This encourages them to emote, then you can have a conversation when they’re calm.
- Send them to their room for a rest. If your child is losing it, it can be a result of tiredness. Put on some white noise give them a quiet room, and let them have a rest.
Consequences for Not Minding in Public
- Mom time. If in a park or play area, they come sit by mom. Once my son was hurting his brother over and over so he forfeited his entire play time there and had to sit on the bench by me. This has never happened again.
- They earn a “job.” I had 4 boys (ages 4 to 4 months) in a doctor’s waiting room for 2 hours and the way I kept the peace was if they got out of their seats or ran around they earned a job. This was actually fun for them, they were pretty tame, and the next day by dinner I had a fully cleaned bathroom :). Remember, there are chores little kids can do well.
Read: Toddler Behavior Stressing You Out? Reset With These Simple Tips
- They miss out on the fun thing or the treat. When I go to the store with the kids I always get them a lollipop. They are.50 each so this is not a splurge, but they feel like it is. If they misbehave (actual misbehaving, not just annoying behavior) then they don’t get their lollipop.
How to Handle Lying or Misdirection
- Separate the offense and the lie. Don’t just have one blanket consequence for it all, but separate them. Who ripped the book, broke the vase, or freed the bunny is a different situation than lying about who did it.
- Give your child a chance to come clean. Don’t ask questions that encourage the lie. Don’t look at a child with a broken vase at his feet and say, “Who broke the vase?” Instead say, “You broke the vase, huh? What happened?” Always in a voice that welcomes discussion, not one that invokes shame.
- Give them a do over. If you know your child has just lied, tell them something like, “I’m going to give you a few minutes to think about this, and then I’d love to hear the truth about what happened.” This is usually enough for them to feel “off the spot” and be okay with telling you the truth, even if the situation is an anger trigger for you.
- Don’t take it personally, but help them value the truth. Children are not trying to be manipulative or immoral, they’re just trying to solve a “problem” and aren’t sure how. Read books about Boys Crying Wolf or the value of honesty and make sure you’re honest with your own communication. Know that lying is a developmental milestone and try not to overreact.
Consequences for Getting Out of Bed or Leaving Their Rooms in the Middle of Night or Morning (aside from Potty Reasons or Nightmares)
- Bring back the crib. If toddlers are getting out of their beds and coming out of their room, put them back in their crib. I don’t understand the compulsion to put very young toddlers in big boy beds when they don’t have the self-control to match it. I keep mine in their cribs as long as possible and this has worked for us. If it isn’t working, feel free to change.
- Take all toys or books out of their room, or put them out of reach. If your child is getting out of bed to play, make sure they have nothing to play with during sleep or rest times.
- Get a child door lock or something similar. Now, before you start sending me hate mail… we live on 20 acres with a pond, a pool, and a busy road nearby. One of my sons knows how to open all doors and he likes to come out of his room when everyone else is still sleeping. It is both unwise and dangerous for me to allow him this freedom when he is too young to handle it. Now, he physically cannot come out of his room in the mornings unless I let him out. It is for his safety, not his punishment.
Consequences for Procrastination, Avoidance, or Dragging Feet on a Task
- Use the South African method of order. Don’t put fun things first, then stop those, then ask kids to do chores. Do it the other way round.
- Use a timer. If your child hasn’t finished by the time the timer goes off, and your expectations are actually realistic, then give them another job to do.
Consequences for Fighting Over Toys
- Take the toy away. Create specific rules about sharing or fighting, etc. If there is one toy that consistently causes kids to fight, take it away in the name of sibling affection.
- Give the child place to play alone. If they enjoy playing with their siblings they won’t want to lose that time. If they can’t play with sibling without fighting, they play alone.
- They choose another game. Instead of fighting over one toy, that toy gets taken away and you help them find something else to play with. Sometimes the working together to find a new game gets them back on the same team.
General Tips about Consequences for the Mean Mom
- Pick your battles. Don’t choose a stupid hill to die on. If it isn’t a big deal don’t make it into one because your guilt is telling you that every single not quite exactly right thing your child does must go punished. Release yourself from that. The kids are alright. That said, here are some battles worth fighting.
- Always be kind. You can be firm and kind. You can be consistent and kind. You can give a consequence and be kind. You can do all these things and not create a rip in your relationship with your child. My son kicked me the other night and lost the privilege to go this Nana’s for a sleepover. When I told him this consequence he actually came to me crying, sad he couldn’t go, and sorry he’d hurt me in his impulsive move. Though I gave a hard consequence, we did not lose ground relationally.
- Think beforehand. Instead of just reacting quickly and giving a stern punishment you regret, have some set consequences that are your “go to” so you don’t have to rely on clear thoughts in the moment. It’ll help you not blow your own stack.
So, again, mean moms love their kids. They love them so much they want to help them learn to control themselves and make good decisions. This is what mean moms do.
We don’t make big deals out of small things.
We don’t punish for the sake of punishment.
We discipline in love.
Your Consequences Free Printable
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Rachel
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Anita says
These are great, thanks so much. We’re going through a potty mouth stage with our four year old (words picked up from preschool) and I’m not really sure how to deal with it? On one hand I don’t want to make a huge deal about it but on the other he needs to know that it’s not ok. To add to it, his little brother is now copying. Any suggestions?
Rachel Norman says
Hi Anita, I’d probably just say immediately (without strong tone but a kind and firm one) “We don’t say that, okay?” and make him say, “Yes, ma’am” or some equivalent.”
Jess says
I have a close family member who refuses to watch her language around my children because “they’re going to hear it anyways” I have told my children that those are adult words that should not be used by children and only in extreme situations by adults. My children are five and three. Telling them that they are not old enough to repeat that language had helped a lot.
Rachel Norman says
Ugh that is HARD!
Joann says
When my son was going through this, I taught him to clean the bathroom and anytime he chose to you potty talk, he cleaned one of our bathrooms. Even if he had already cleaned it earlier in the day. Haha. It cured him pretty quickly.
And now he knows how to clean a bathroom and now that he is older, cleaning the toilet is one of his chores!
Kate B says
Hello Rachel,
Browsing pinterest I came across your jewel of an article! With a 10 month old, and baby number 2 on the way, I will be saving this page to look back on many times! I love all of your suggestions! Thank you!
Rachel Norman says
Thanks, Kate, and big congrats :)
Jess says
Hi , I really enjoyed reading your article and can relate to a lot of it, also going to use some new ideas such as giving “jobs” while waiting with restless little ones. I also have a child who is incredibly difficult with bedtime we have a routine that usually works; however, some nights she just will not unwind. I have made her a quiet box filled with activities she can do alone and quietly. She loves it and it takes the hassle out of those nights when sleep is elusive. I give her a 20 minute post bedtime quiet box time she’s never been awake after her time is up. We’ve been using the quiet box for two years now. Thanks for the affirmation about authoritative parenting really wonderful ideas, looking forward to implementing them.
Rachel Norman says
Thanks, Jess, good luck :)
Kayleigh says
Hi I’m just wondering what kind of activities did you put in the quiet box. My 2 year old can be the same sometimes :)
Melissa W. says
Rachel, I love these tips and have implemented many of them, but it’s hard for me to remember the ones that are new to me when I’m not at the computer. Would you consider updating the post with a printing-friendly infographic/list that could be taped to the wall above my computer to help me remember to try the ones I haven’t used in the past? (If that’s not a good use of your time I can just create the list myself, but I figured some of your other readers might also like it.) Thanks!
Rachel Norman says
Melissa, I think that’s a great idea actually. I’ll put that on my list!
Megan says
My 21 month old started jumping out of his crib at 19 months. He kept doing it over and over every nap and bedtime. I was afraid he was going to hurt himself so I converted his crib into a toddler bed and for bedtime he keeps getting out of his bed. I’m torn what to do about it. He’s not getting as much sleep as he was when he was in a crib and not jumping out. Any suggestions?
Rachel Norman says
Hmmm, well there are mesh crib tents. Nto sure if you want to go that route but google ‘chris and julia crib tent’ and see what I mean!
candis says
Hi,
Ive been a mother for 16yrs and have been taking care of little ones consistently since I was 7. Im 33 now. You’d think I’d be an expert, right? Well, I pretty much was.. lol…I had 2 boys ,always baby sat, and even helped my friends change their parenting to help remold their children to make all of their lives better. I read everything there was to read. I spoke to many different moms. & relied heavily on my grandmother’s advice and parenting style (since she was sooo awezome w me). THEN…..I had a girl. She’s a complex little person. She’s extremely independant and bossy. Ive had several problems w her behavior that i want to nip in the bud.
Shes bossy ,rude, commanding. She doesn’t listen at all & it gets dangerous sometimes (climbing ,getting into things that could hurt her,etc). She bites and hits and then hits herself. Aside of these things, she’s sweet, smart, imaginative, perceptive, strong, funny, and wonderful! God help me, i LOVE HER SO MUCH.
I started searching the internet …again…trying to understand her behavior and how to fix it. The difference this time is we live w her father’s mother. The gma doesn’t want to punish her or let her cry. I want to help her get ready for this world. Shes 3 now. She needs to be able to play w others and interact more w the world. I need to get her off the stupid pacifier and get her potty trained.
Ive tried everything! I read things that said her needs weren’t being met, bla bla bla..That can’t be true…unless her needs are incredibly unrealistic. I can’t do anything anymore because shes so demanding. This has become unhealthy for me. I need help.
I read a few of your articles and let me say, you are amazing! Very intuitive and smart! Your info is so much better and balanced than the other crap out there. I think u understand what i want for her.
Can you help me? Im concerned if things dont change, this will be a forever issue…that will land her into a life of chaos…jail…pain..maybe im being dramatic, but u get the picture…
Rachel Norman says
Hi Candis, yes I do get the picture, girl, we don’t want our kids to be completely defiant! Do you have a few set consequences that you do OVER AND OVER AGAIN and she just ignores them?
Christina says
Hey Rachel,
I’ve been struggling with how to discipline my daughter and came across this blog post. I love all the suggestions and insight and feel like these are gonna be great! … When she’s a little older. She’s 16 months old and while most days aren’t too bad, coming when called is a disaster. We started working on this when she began walking, and never had a problem because she always came. Now that she’s nearing the 18 month mark and toddler-dom, her independence and will of her own are starting to show.
This is one thing that, in my book, is non-negotiable, because it’s a safety issue. If she’s running towards the street and I need her stop and come back to me, that needs to happen. Period. Now, don’t get me wrong, she’s not quite a year and a half, so we have our share or instruction, correction, discipline, and guidance in a whole host of other areas where we see understanding and improvement, but this one thing has been bad. And I’m at a loss for how to teach her to obey. 9 times out of 10 if I go to her and hold out my hand, she follows me to where I want her to go. But if I ask her to come, she stares at me, thinks about it and then walks the other way. If I walk after her, she runs giggling thinking it’s a game.
All the discipline and correction ideas I’ve come across so far feel just a little bit too old for her at this point. I know she understands what I’m asking of her because she’s demonstrated that in other areas, but I don’t feel we can sit down and have a chat about this because the only words she has down pat so far are “Hi” and “Done”. In other words, verbal communication is not yet a two way street. And there’s no favorite toy I can take away because if I take one away she just plays with another. If I take all the toys away she gets in trouble looking for something to do. (Another challenge is that currently, we’re living in an RV, so I also can’t send her to her room, because her “room” is the living room).
Like I said, overall she a good kid who’s happy and well behaved most of the time. But coming when called, (even a simple distance of 3 feet because it’s time to put her shoes on to go outside and play),… we’ll, I can’t figure out what to do. Any advice you have would be great!
Rachel Norman says
Christina, she sounds like a great and spirited little girl! If it were me I’d probably say “uh oh” without losing my cool then sit her on the couch and make her stay for a little bit. Then when it’s over go on about our business and try again sasking her to come when you need her. Then if she doesn’t do it, “uh oh” without getting mad and doing the same thing. Love and Logic recommends location change as a good disciplinary measure for little ones. You move her location somewhere she has to stay and wait it out then you simply go about your business. I assure you she’ll pick it up!
Lindsay says
Can I beg for some guidance on getting ones husband on board. I have been implementing much of this in our home but hubby still thinks spanking is the answer because of how he was raised. It’s literally breaking my heart but I don’t know how to show him other options without him feeling “soft” or like his kids are walking all over him. He really is an amazing man, Just unfortunately came from a heavy disciple Christian family.
Kari Frase says
HI. I just want to say I love your blog! My kids (6) and (3) are sharing a room. This is not my preference but we don’t have another bedroom right now:( The 6 year old understands she needs to stay in her room till 7am but the 3 year old doesn’t always. He is no longer in a crib. Sometimes he wakes her up as early as 6am and then cries because he doesn’t want to stay in the room. This isn’t everyday but when it does happen it’s frustrating. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect them to stay up there for an hour, especially if he is crying but I don’t want to bend the rules just because he woke up early. I also don’t want him waking her up early when she has school and needs her sleep.
Anita says
The printable doesn’t seem to be emailing? I haven’t received after multiple times of trying?
Rachel Norman says
Hi Anita, did you receive ANY email from me?
Heather says
Enjoyed reading your article, very helpful with an almost 2 year old and a baby on the way. Do have a question though, we have a very difficult time getting my son to bed, he does naps on his own no fight but bedtime is a whole other story. We have tried sitting with him until he falls asleep which takes 1-3 hours, tried walking him back to his room and putting him back in bed, tried reading, all to no avail. Every night bedtime 8pm ends up being closer to 11pm before he’s actually asleep.
Lori says
Thank you so much for consequence print out that will help me to think clarfyining before I say to my daughter.
My daughter have a bad temper. I tend sent her to her room and telling her mommy need time out to calm down and I Would like to see you stay in your room to calm down awhile mom have some time out for abit and will check with you in abit.
I am deaf mom of 3 kids. All of my children are hearing. Their dad is hearing. I have use modify to how to face different situation how to discipline and communicate. It sometimes frustration for my 4 year old daughter who really want to tell mom something but don’t know how to say it or don’t know how to sign it. I trying ask her question to trying fit what she try to say. It sometimes cause her angry and melt down. I keep saying deep breath and calm down.. Sometimes I let her meltdown until she calm siwn. I have to sit and waiting… So I am forward looking to use your ideas to help us to have better communicate and better consequence for both of us.
Lori
Sunny Burns says
Awesome resource, and awesome site! I’ll have to check it out some more.
Melissa says
Hey! Not knowing how old this post is because I didn’t look at the date, I’ve decided to comment anyways!
Here’s my backstory! I have four kids aged 11 (twin boys), 10 (girl), and almost 2 (another girl)!
My older kids basically lived with my mom when they were around 3 and 4 years old when my husband and I split up and I entered a deep depression that I did nothing to manage. Now at this age and with a younger sibling, I feel like they have no respect for my authority, they ignore anything I ask them to do (from chores to laying out clothes to school to stop fighting). I’m at my wits end!
Thank you for your suggestions and blog! I am hoping that implementing some of these will get their attention and with some consistency show them that I am serious and this will end!