Dec
8

32 Consequences Moms Can Use for Negative Behavior

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We already know you can say “no” without being a mean mom. Here are some consequences moms can use when kids are acting up.

Let’s get one thing out of the way.

Mean moms aren’t bad people.

Mean moms are, by cultural definition, moms who are more worried about their children’s well-being than their momentary happiness. This perspective often means they make decisions that their children don’t like in the moment. And mean moms hold to their choices (if their choices are wise ones) even when these choices make their kids mad.

Before we move on and I get tons of hate mail and everyone is Up In Arms, let’s talk about 4 different types of parenting and where Mean Moms fall.

√ Authoritarian: strict, controlling, often cold and detached, seek total obedience, believe the goal of parenting is to bed the will of the child to a greater authority

√ Authoritative: strict, consistent, loving, and are issue-oriented and pragmatic, they try to balance the responsibility of the child to conform to parental instruction as well as recognizing children are not robots (emphasis my own)

√ Permissive: lenient, avoid confrontation, loving, and allow children to self-regulate

√ Uninvolved: demands nothing, gives nothing

(sources here and here)

So for the purposes of this post, Mean Moms are Authoritative Parents. Parents who do not make incessant demands, but who have boundaries they keep and discipline occurs when those boundaries are crossed.

Mean moms gives tons of cuddles because it’s good for their kids’ brains. They don’t make unreasonable requests of their children, they make logical ones. They recognize that childishness is not the same thing as foolishness, and they discipline the foolishness while explaining over and over and over again why we don’t do the childish ones.

Consequences when Kids Are Mean to Siblings, Playmates, or Family

Removal from the play situation or interaction. If a child cannot be kind to a sibling, for example, they must go play elsewhere.
Set up a “bickering table” (source). Give your kids a time to argue and get it all out. It can be in a conversation if they’re older or a horseplay rough and tumble (if yours are into this sort of thing like mine are). Instead of constantly telling the to stop, let them deal with their frustrations with a moderator. You, the mean mom.
Have the offending child say 5 nice things about the person they’ve just hurt or offended. This is hard for preschoolers (nearly impossible for toddlers) but they catch on, and it encourages positive connection.
Go to independent play time and have opportunity to settle down.
Have a “do over” where they need to say again (or do again) what they should have done in the first place.

Consequences when Kids Refuse to Mind

Time out. Or time in. Call it what you want, having your child sit tight for a few minutes and think about what’s happening can mean an immediate change of attitude and cooperation.
Loss of a privilege. If they can’t do what you ask, they can’t have screen time (or insert privilege here). The South African method for cooperation may be the best bet here anyway.
Use the phrase “I’ll know you’re ready to {do this} when you {do that}.” So, “I’ll know you’re ready to get down and play when you put away your plate. If you won’t put it away, you stay put.” Get many more phrases that work wonders here.
Early to nap or early to bed. Defiance often occurs when kids are emotionally overloaded which often happens when they’re tired. Sometimes the best thing you can do is lead a kid to their bed.
Take away a toy. Having toys and games are privileges. If a child is refusing to carry out a responsibility, take away a toy, aka. a privilege. It can be returned upon completion of the task.

Consequences for Fighting Naps or Bedtime

Going to bed early (if nap was a nightmare) or going to bed early the next night (if bedtime was a nightmare). It’s actually a myth that being tired makes you sleep better. Being tired makes you cranky and crazy.
No books at bedtime. I don’t actually like this consequence because I love reading with the kids at night, but if a child is throwing themselves down on the ground and making all manner of fuss, it might need to happen.
The silent return. This isn’t really a “consequence” per se, but if they come out of their room just bring them back without getting into a debate. Over and over and over again. They’ll get the picture.
You just make them do it. The consequence is that you just get on with bedtime and do it. They might kick and scream and fight sleep (because exhausted babies and toddlers and kids do this) but you just get a grip on your emotions, love cuddle hug, and put them to bed anyway.

Consequences for Tantrums and Fits

Removal from the scene. If you’re having a family dinner and someone is melting down, you can remove that child from the scene not to isolate them, but to prevent their mood from ruining dinner for everyone else. They can return as soon as they’re feeling better. Remember, you don’t have to make them feel better.
“Go on the couch and cry cry cry until you’re okay.” When my kids are very upset and whining and crying, I’ll often suggest they go lay on the couch and cry until it’s all out. This encourages them to emote, then you can have a conversation when they’re calm.
Send them to their room for a rest. If your child is losing it, it can be a result of tiredness. Put on some white noise give them a quiet room, and let them have a rest.

Consequences for Not Minding in Public

Mom time. If in a park or play area, they come sit by mom. Once my son was hurting his brother over and over so he forfeited his entire play time there and had to sit on the bench by me. This has never happened again.
They earn a “job.” I had 4 boys (ages 4 to 4 months) in a doctor’s waiting room for 2 hours and the way I kept the peace was if they got out of their seats or ran around they earned a job. This was actually fun for them, they were pretty tame, and the next day by dinner I had a fully cleaned bathroom :). Remember, there are chores little kids can do well.

Read: Toddler Behavior Stressing You Out? Reset With These Simple Tips

They miss out on the fun thing or the treat. When I go to the store with the kids I always get them a lollipop. They are.50 each so this is not a splurge, but they feel like it is. If they misbehave (actual misbehaving, not just annoying behavior) then they don’t get their lollipop.

How to Handle Lying or Misdirection

Separate the offense and the lie. Don’t just have one blanket consequence for it all, but separate them. Who ripped the book, broke the vase, or freed the bunny is a different situation than lying about who did it.
Give your child a chance to come clean. Don’t ask questions that encourage the lie. Don’t look at a child with a broken vase at his feet and say, “Who broke the vase?” Instead say, “You broke the vase, huh? What happened?” Always in a voice that welcomes discussion, not one that invokes shame.
Give them a do over. If you know your child has just lied, tell them something like, “I’m going to give you a few minutes to think about this, and then I’d love to hear the truth about what happened.” This is usually enough for them to feel “off the spot” and be okay with telling you the truth, even if the situation is an anger trigger for you.
Don’t take it personally, but help them value the truth. Children are not trying to be manipulative or immoral, they’re just trying to solve a “problem” and aren’t sure how. Read books about Boys Crying Wolf or the value of honesty and make sure you’re honest with your own communication. Know that lying is a developmental milestone and try not to overreact.

Consequences for Getting Out of Bed or Leaving Their Rooms in the Middle of Night or Morning (aside from Potty Reasons or Nightmares)

Bring back the crib. If toddlers are getting out of their beds and coming out of their room, put them back in their crib. I don’t understand the compulsion to put very young toddlers in big boy beds when they don’t have the self-control to match it. I keep mine in their cribs as long as possible and this has worked for us. If it isn’t working, feel free to change.
Take all toys or books out of their room, or put them out of reach. If your child is getting out of bed to play, make sure they have nothing to play with during sleep or rest times.
Get a child door lock or something similar. Now, before you start sending me hate mail… we live on 20 acres with a pond, a pool, and a busy road nearby. One of my sons knows how to open all doors and he likes to come out of his room when everyone else is still sleeping. It is both unwise and dangerous for me to allow him this freedom when he is too young to handle it. Now, he physically cannot come out of his room in the mornings unless I let him out. It is for his safety, not his punishment.

Consequences for Procrastination, Avoidance, or Dragging Feet on a Task

Use the South African method of order. Don’t put fun things first, then stop those, then ask kids to do chores. Do it the other way round.
Use a timer. If your child hasn’t finished by the time the timer goes off, and your expectations are actually realistic, then give them another job to do.

Consequences for Fighting Over Toys

Take the toy away. Create specific rules about sharing or fighting, etc. If there is one toy that consistently causes kids to fight, take it away in the name of sibling affection.
Give the child place to play alone. If they enjoy playing with their siblings they won’t want to lose that time. If they can’t play with sibling without fighting, they play alone.
They choose another game. Instead of fighting over one toy, that toy gets taken away and you help them find something else to play with. Sometimes the working together to find a new game gets them back on the same team.

General Tips about Consequences for the Mean Mom

Pick your battles. Don’t choose a stupid hill to die on. If it isn’t a big deal don’t make it into one because your guilt is telling you that every single not quite exactly right thing your child does must go punished. Release yourself from that. The kids are alright. That said, here are some battles worth fighting.
Always be kind. You can be firm and kind. You can be consistent and kind. You can give a consequence and be kind. You can do all these things and not create a rip in your relationship with your child. My son kicked me the other night and lost the privilege to go this Nana’s for a sleepover. When I told him this consequence he actually came to me crying, sad he couldn’t go, and sorry he’d hurt me in his impulsive move. Though I gave a hard consequence, we did not lose ground relationally.
Think beforehand. Instead of just reacting quickly and giving a stern punishment you regret, have some set consequences that are your “go to” so you don’t have to rely on clear thoughts in the moment. It’ll help you not blow your own stack.

So, again, mean moms love their kids. They love them so much they want to help them learn to control themselves and make good decisions. This is what mean moms do.

We don’t make big deals out of small things.

We don’t punish for the sake of punishment.

We discipline in love.

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