There’s one surprising reason kids are insecure and fortunately it’s something you can work on in no time. None of us want to feel like our kids are insecure, unsure of themselves, or lacking self-esteem. Most of us would do anything to make sure our kids are confident, secure, and happy. Fortunately, there’s a lot of research on this so let’s dive in.
The infamous playground story goes like this.
The school yard had built a nice fence to create a boundary between the playground and the road.
During PE and recess kids would play all over the place, many congregating near different areas of the fence.
A new strain of thought pervaded and, soon, they decided to take down the fence to give the children a sense of freedom. Instead of feeling walled in, they could feel free.
The result startled the school staff.
What's in this post...
The kids liked the boundary
Instead of roaming wider and farther, as the space allowed, the students actually stayed closer to the school and were more crowded than before.
Why?
Because they didn’t know how far they could go. There was no longer a line. Their boundaries were no longer clear, but vague.
The bottom line is this…
Kids feel insecure when they are in full control.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
They may *seem* happy to make all their own decisions, but under that is the sense that their parents aren’t as in control as they need to be.
“Children raised without firm, consistent boundaries are insecure and world-weary.
Burdened with too many decisions and too much power, they miss out on the joyful freedom every child deserves.” Janet Lansbury
Read: 5 Handy Things Mothers of Preschoolers Should Know
Children need firm consistent boundaries
The good news is this… none of us really want our kids to be in control. We want them to have age appropriate freedoms as they develop their self-control.
So, here are ways we contribute to insecurity in our kids
Here are some common ways our kids end up feeling insecure, and what we can do to turn that around.
⭐ We don’t give clear boundaries
Your kids need boundaries so they know what’s expected of them. Only then do they feel secure in their environment. No one really likes “All Of A Sudden” type of rules or, even worse, consequences.
Kids like knowing what is expected of them. And even better when it’s expected of everyone.
Why? Because children like limits
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
“Imagine driving over a bridge in the dark. If the bridge has no railings we will drive across it slowly and tentatively.
But if we see railings on either side of us, we can drive over the bridge with ease and confidence. This is how a young child feels in regard to limits in his environment.” source
Our kids may occasionally roam around like wild and crazy animals – tempting us to buy them this leash – but that’s because children have a sense of security knowing we will tell them “too far is too far” or “enough is enough.”
Read: 5 Ways We Accidentally Set Our Kids Up For Hardship
⭐We don’t enforce boundaries then lose it All of a Sudden – Yo Yo Parenting
Hear my confession, friends.
At times, I am guilty of this.
I let a few of our “rules” fall by the wayside because I’m busy keeping the baby out of the trash can or trying to go to the bathroom alone.
A few days go by while I let small infractions go undisciplined and then, All of a Sudden, things have gone Too Far. Or, sometimes, we hit a parenting trigger then go wild.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
We waver between being permissive then overly strict
I get frustrated, yell, and bring down the house rules in full force, much to the dismay of my kids. They aren’t sure when or when they won’t experience consequences for their actions. In fact, they don’t know what mommy will do at any given moment.
We don’t want them tiptoeing around us because they don’t know when we are going to lose our heads.
Read: Why You’re An Angry Mom – 5 Anger Triggers
⭐We let our kids do what they want, then get mad when they do
Want to help develop your child’s strengths Use these cards to dive into the character qualities and how your child does – and can in the future = exhibit them in their own life.
Learn MoreNow, I am a big fat fan of Free Play.
I want my kids to roam around, get bored, think of creative games, and let their imagination run wild. In fact, I make a point to let them play instead of entertaining them.
However, that doesn’t mean the kids decide exactly when, where, and for how long they’ll do it each day.
There have been many studies showing that routine provides security, stability, and predictability for kids. It can be hard for us adults who are like “for Pete’s sake, can’t we just do whatever we feel like?“
When there’s a leadership vacuum at home, what often results is self-directed kids. These are children who become their own boss and resist your instructions because – well – you weren’t taking up the leadership role.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn More⭐We aren’t consistent in meeting our children’s needs
Kids want to know we will meet their basic needs: food, sleep, and love. Okay, there are a lot more, but for small children, their whole lives focus on those things.
If they know when to expect food they don’t have to do magic tricks to get a cracker. They don’t have to cry and scream all night long from night terrors and overtiredness to get us to put them on a good sleeping routine.
Kids who are attached to their mothers and who regularly receive physical affection are, quite simply, more content. When we allow our children’s whims, moods, and momentary impulses to determine what we do, things start to get hairy.
Read: 10 Things We Shouldn’t Rescue Our Kids From
⭐We give them too many choices
If we’re giving our kids multiple choices all day long they are getting Spoilt For Choice. Laugh it up, but this is a thing.
Even adults get decision fatigue, and it’s why those in high up positions wear the same clothes and eat the same breakfasts and lunch day in and day out. Because when we reach a certain point, our “decider” starts to malfunction.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
As decision fatigue worsens, we don’t give a rip and make poor decisions. As the day goes on our “decider” wears out, and children are no different. We can give them choices to let them assert their own independence and personal flair, but too many will backfire.
Kids seem to fight for control, yet what they want is some power, not control over their whole life.
Of course, kids will push the envelope when you create a boundary, but they want you to keep it to know you’re trustworthy.
Kids are learning to take charge of small things, don’t put them in charge of big things.
FAQs
It can be helpful to acknowledge and validate our kids’ thoughts and emotions. However, we still communicate clear boundaries and stick to them regardless of our kids’ emotions. For example, if a toddler is crying because they want candy, we can acknowledge their emotions and stay firm in boundaries by giving them the healthy snack that was prepared for them.
Consistency and intentionality are the keys to fight insecurity in our kids. Consistent communication of boundaries, expectations, routines, and affirmations help kids to trust and respect their parents, creating a sense of security.
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Excellent article! It never occurred to me that the reason my son feels so comfortable running off is because he knows I won’t let him get too far.
What a great way to phrase that, Zhavon :)
I like your information on children have any for preteens?
I don’t, but wait around a few years. Ha. No kidding, obviously, but haven’t written on that since we aren’t there yet.
So much YES!! Thank you for this spot on article! As a teacher of young children for 20+ years (& Mom of 3) I can attest to the truth written here. Thank you for helping to educate this next generation of parents!
Dawn, thank you for your encouragement :)
I am finishing up raising ten babies! 6 girls 4 boys the last 18 yrs old and a Senior in High School this year. This is a wonderful article. I tried to run a tight ship with good boundaries. With new babies arriving every two yrs exhaustion would get the best of me. I was still amazed at the change in the household once I decided to”get back on the horse”, instilling boundaries again. The kids all felt safe and happy when I was back on the job.
One promise I made to myself, in general was to get started early on our babies. They had the first year off. Breastfed at bedside for most of the first year but weaned to a cup as early as they could learn. At 12 months I began to expect them to obey and respect me be kind, no screaming or hitting siblings. By age three we really had a great understanding. Mommy is in charge and that is a good thing. Love three year olds. Children can feel safe and relaxed because they trust us to set the rules. My kids loved going out in public, somehow setting a goal that the world didn’t revolve around them made my kids out going. They would smile at strangers. They could even tolerate being told no at the candy check out!!
Keep up the great writing!!
Diana, I LOVE THIS! Yes, I am so with you with pregnancy the discipline and boundaries get lax and WE ALL SUFFER. I’m giving birth (hopefully today, to be honest, ha) soon and I know that when I’m feeling more “me” the ship can get tight again!
Hi Rachel! I stumbled across your article while looking for some resources to help me with a situation I’m experiencing. I was wondering if it’s possible to connect with you via email. I really need some help. I read and agree with everything you’ve discussed and shared, but I now am tasked with getting my partner on side when it comes to his kiddos.
Natasha, my email is amotherfarfromhome@gmail.com
I’m really struggling with this right now with my 5 year old. How do I get this email series?
You should be ale to click on where it says ‘series’ down at the bottom? Does that work?
hi Racheal,
I have a 10 year old boy who panics if i come home late by just 5 mins from work or may be dont pick his call at work if i am busy. He may call up like 10 times.and gets upset and crys a lot, feeling as if something happened to me .I really dont understand how do i remove that fear out of him.really tried hard.
This is not true I grew up with boundaries and felt insecure as a child. My son seems inscecure and has boundaries, he understands what is expected from him.
It is ONE big reason! Definitely not the only ;)
I’m a Single Mom of triplet first graders, and battling depression. I’m so grateful to have found your articles. Thank you!
I have a 4 year old that for the last 18 months (also same age as her baby sister) panics, cries, etc if she does not know exactly where I am at. She has always been our most independent child and seems content to do whatever while I homeschool her older brother. So I have struggled with why she continues to worsen with her freaking out. Your article is an answer to prayer as I realize what she made need is more structure and less independence in her days. Thank you.
I always knew that no choices for young children can lead to tantrums and now I see that too many choices can lead to insecurity. WOW! Thank you so much – this was eye-opening!
Hi April, I know it seems like a lose/lose but you’ll find that balance!
excellent advice..will take it!
This is good information to share! Thank you for making it the topic of a blog post!
PS: My website launch is planned for any time before the last day of May, 2021, in case you try to find it today and it doesn’t show active. ;o)
I am a 52 year old ’Nana’. My daughter in law has dropped out due to very poor choices. It’s my 2 grandchildren, their father and ‘BawBaw’. My problem is this, my 3 year old is way ahead in learning for his age. My 5 year old has problems answering questions that I know she knows the answer to. (I am homeschooling them as I did my son.) I have firm, clear boundaries. Do you have any other suggestions?