Strict Parents: What They Are, Aren’t & Pesky Boundaries

Strict parents aren’t by definition mean, overbearing, or awful. They simply have firm boundaries they keep for the good of the whole family.

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I grew up with a “strict” mother.

At the time I thought it was normal. I didn’t question it. There were rules, and clear expectations, and I followed them. Then again, I’m a country girl and this is a fairly normal way of life in rural areas.

After having kids of my own, and being out and about, I started to see a trend.

Mean and strict are not the same. If you’re realizing you need to be more strict since kids are out of control, take heart. You can be more strict without being mean.

• 10 Parenting Habits That Make You Feel Guilty – But Shouldn’t
• 4 Key Strategies For When Your Child’s Not Listening
• 5 Calm Responses for When Your Child Digs Their Heels In
• Child Behavior Problems: A No-Drama Approach That Works

What does it mean to be a strict parent?

First, let’s take the definition of strict.

Characterized by or acting in close conformity to requirements or principles.

Strict parents have files they expect to be followed. There may be a lot of rules or only a few, but a strict parent has boundaries and believes kids are capable of meeting them.

• firm boundaries
• clear expectations
• good communication
• a “tight run ship”

Strict parents can be happy, lovey-dovey, and touchy-feely. Because having strict rules is separate to the parent / child interaction on an emotional level.

Strictness is a matter of boundaries.

These behaviors are NOT strict, they’re just mean.

Now, what I often see in Wal-Mart, I’ll be honest, is a lot of parents who are being mean, but think they’re being strict.

A child will be running away and acting disruptive, then a mother will glare at their child (we do this when we’re mad, it’s normal even if it isn’t great), call them a bad name, or say they’re being awful (which also happens when we are triggered).

Then…. nothing happens.

Until the child does it again. And mom gets mad and is embarrassed. A lot of parenting responses happen because we feel embarrassed. When kids act out of control it’s normal for parents to feel out of control.

But being mean doesn’t mean being strict. And, in fact, many of the meanest parents are also the most lenient and permissive.

Why?

Because their nervous system is shot and their nerves are fried from all the bad behavior.

The key is to have stricter boundaries to avoid this.

So it’s the difference between cleaning up spilled paint verses putting paint out of the reach of a child.

You create rules by backing up.

Becoming more strict or having more boundaries is about structuring your family life so things flow more smoothly. Easier. Strict parents have rules with built-in consequences.

Avoid getting into a scenario where you’re trying to think up random consequences on the fly.

What do rules have to do with boundaries?

Rules are simply structures we put in place to make sure things happen. Or don’t happen.

Boundaries are the areas within ourselves (we all have them, the kids too!) that, when crossed, result in dis-ease and unrest. For example, your body may need 8 hours of sleep per night. This is a boundary for your body, whether you want to admit it or not.

So if you only get 6 hours, you’ll feel weak and lethargic.

It’s your body’s boundary.

I talk more about this in my book, linked below.

Ultimately, moms should be aware of their boundaries and create rules around those so that family life is sustainable.

How to become more strict & calmer

Here are a few keys to helping yourself become calmer.

Because, let’s be honest, if you’re losing your cool every five seconds because kids are acting up and you can’t hack it, then the key isn’t to be less strict. Or to care less.

That won’t work, my friend.

What you need to do is tighten up family life so the kids aren’t as self-directed. When parents don’t make the rules and uphold them, kids begin the exhilarating process of anarchy and parents are the ones who get exiled.

• Sit down and list out all the elements of family life that are overwhelming.
• Write down and journal out boundaries that are being crossed regularly.
• Sit on those for a day or two and let those feelings come up.
• Start with the most annoying or difficult part of family life, and create a rule or two around that.
• Have a built-in consequence for that rule.
• Explain openly and clearly to the kids what the new rule is.
• Enforce it.

In short, that is the key to becoming more “strict.”

And remember, some of our favorite teachers were strict. Because strict rules can bring about predictability, clarity, and confidence in kids.

Kids love knowing where they stand. And when kids are able to know the rules and follow through, the entire home environment runs more smoothly.

Nobody’s perfect. But nobody’s running wild either.