If your child has been acting in a way that has led you to say, “Sometimes I don’t like my child” then this post is for you.
It’s probably taboo to write this and I’m going to catch some flak, but I’ve got a thick skin and it must be said.
Sometimes our kids act very unlikable.Â
It’s not that we don’t love them. Of course you love your child and you’d do anything for them. It’s likely that the root of this feeling lies somewhere that just needs a little work.
Honestly, it’s the ugly truth… some days we just won’t like being around our kids. It is likely a transitory problem that you don’t even think about.
If you find yourself frequently feeling that you don’t like being around your kid (or you are worried that’s how others feel because of your child’s behavior), here are some thoughts to consider!
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
What's in this post...
A famous author….
A famous author and psychologist wrote a bestselling book with a whole chapter on this issue. The author noted how we should take this fleeting feeling of dislike towards our kids as a sign we all have some work to do.
If we are so turned off by our own kids’ behavior – the ones we grew and birthed and dedicate so much of our life to – then you know others will be too.
So, knowing that we don’t actually dislike our kids but we are sensing something needs to change around the house so our boundaries are met, let’s dive in.
1. Isolate the “why”
One day last week I found time with my daughter extremely difficult. She was being super clingy and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took a second and asked myself, “What on earth is going on?”
It was an easy answer. She needed time and attention from me, and since she wasn’t getting it, she was being clingy.
Every clingy behavior in the book drives me up the wall!
What behavior is it that’s turning you off?
Screaming, whining, clinginess, bad behavior, mean words, or bad attitude?
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Where should you start?
- If it’s something behavioral that can and should be addressed, it’s time to study and learn some alternative behavioral remedies.
- Maybe it’s just a facet of their personality. Can you take a different route?
- If it is a characteristic most people would find unlikable then you can work to help them manage it.
- There’s a chance that it’s simply something neutral that drives you up the wall, learn to deal.
Read: What Does a Healthy Worldview Have to Do With Gratitude?
2. Identify triggers
If you are beginning to feel you love your child – but don’t always really like them – start seeking out triggers. It’s never too late to start doing this…
Feeling this way occasionally isn’t a crime, but your child will pick up on your lingering feelings and if you aren’t able to hide your annoyance or dislike then there will be many undesirable consequences.
If they are tired, in pain, or hungry… does that make them behave negatively? If so, remember that and cut them slack when those behaviors begin.
Most people are grumpy when they are tired and hungry. As moms, it’s our job to notice these triggers and fix it for them.
If it’s loud voices or screaming that puts you off, explain your sensitivity to the noises and find a place (outside) they can yell that won’t bother you. In fact, do some good ole anger management activities.
Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?
3. Fill their love tank
It seems easiest to just put them in time out or take away a privilege to help eradicate bad behavior. But…what if the unlikable behavior is just attention seeking?
If they don’t feel loved or close to you they’ll try to get your undivided attention any way they can. Try cuddling the daylights out of them and finding one on one time.
When I find my children difficult, ahem, to be around there are usually two reasons:
- Physical discomfort– I can try to help with changing the surrounding or activity.
- Need of my attention– I can fill their “love tank” and satisfy this behavior.
Even 15 minutes alone with that child reading, talking, or playing a game is often enough to turn the day around.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
4. Discipline and train out unlikable behaviors
Something for us all to consider is this: some behaviors may be unlikable (to you) that aren’t inherently bad.
Everybody has different personalities... and thank goodness for that! Some behaviors are simply a facet of your child’s personality.
Just like in my case with sounds, it get’s difficult when your child’s personality doesn’t mesh well with yours.
On the flip side, there are other behaviors that you won’t like and neither will anybody else.
Instead of shaming those behaviors out of them, train them in alternatives.
Shaming and guilt tripping your children is not effective long term.
If you need to eradicate a negative behavior, have a zero tolerance policy and a consequence you enforce every single time.
If it’s simply an annoying behavior like talking too loudly or squealing, then have a code word or signal you can do to show them they need to correct their tone.
5. Accept them
Children need to know they are loved and accepted despite their flaws. How we show this is crucial to their understanding of acceptance.
Does that mean we allow bad behavior to abound? Not at all. But it does mean because they are our children and part of our families we must show them unconditional acceptance. This is not to be confused with unconditional love.
When you start to feel resentment and bitterness towards your child it’s time to step back…
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Start with these tips:
- Switch your approach to the behavior around- show love before placing blame.
- Begin discipline with a statement of acceptance such as: “I see you and care very much how you feel right now….can you start by telling me what’s wrong?”
- You’re mommy… scoop them up in a hug and a kiss. Then, begin to work through the behavior problem. You never know, maybe that’s all they wanted.
You may surprise yourself! Because you’ve oriented your heart towards them, your annoyance will likely have softened as well. Now, you can begin the discipline and bad behavior eradication.
It’s normal to love them all the time, but not like their behavior every minute of every day.
Just don’t let it get away from you.
FAQs
Just know, this too shall pass. It will take some work from both sides but keep the perspective that our time with our kids is relatively short in the scope of life. Next, remain calm and take deep breaths and don’t take their misbehavior personally (these issues are normal parts of a child’s development and testing boundaries). Focus on connecting with your child, seeking support from others that know your child, and practice self-care.Â
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Staying consistent with discipline is essential for helping children understand boundaries and expectations. Establish clear boundaries by communicating them well and in an age-appropriate manner. Once your child knows your expectations, maintain a united front with your spouse (or other caregivers) and follow through with consequences when the behavior occurs. Along with consequences for negative behavior, use positive reinforcement to reward and encourage good behavior.
Consider whether the behavior aligns with your child’s age and developmental stage. Many challenging behaviors are developmentally appropriate and tied to specific stages of child development. For example, temper tantrums are common in toddlers but typically decrease as children grow older. Assess how long the behavior has been occurring and whether it is consistent. Short-term, intermittent challenges may be typical phases, while persistent, ongoing issues may warrant more attention.
Sources:
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I’ll also add: Find something to like about them and tell them what it is. It’s so easy to focus on the the things that annoy us, but we need to focus on what they do that’s good and praise them for it. (Then they’ll do more of it!) But that’s why #3 is so important – sometimes you have to spend lots of time with them to find something to praise! :) I find that when my kids are being annoying, I feel like I want to get away from them, but if I force myself to spend MORE time with them, I end up wanting to be around them even more! It gives me more chances to see the good in them, the cute things they do and say, and like you said, it just fills their love tank back up so they don’t feel that they HAVE to be annoying just to get my attention.
That’s EXACTLY right, MaryEllen! It’s often the annoying behaviors that come out because of lack of good time together, or even quality time together instead of juts quantity. And I do the same… force myself to be with them even more. It’s funny that clingy behavior is so difficult to handle, but 15 minute of true quality time can almost make the cling go away. But clinginess makes you want to spend less time. It’s why mothering is not for the immature. Ha :)
I was thinking this article was more for teens. Teens can definitely be more “unlikeable” believe me!
Ha, Jenny, you are very right. The behavior then is deliberate isn’t it?
Glad to see this article. Like you said it seems tabooish for a mother to feel unlikeable thoughts towards their child but I think I’m the poster mom for that. I don’t know where to begin but I need help. I’m a single mother raising a kid who has defiant tendencies. I use that word defiant cautiously. Like the article says, she needs more attention which I don’t really have to give. Always feeling overwhelmed, overworked and under-appreciated. It’s affected my social life because of the unpredictability of her behavior in social settings. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. You talk about consistency, oh boy, I’m all over the place. Trying this today and if it doesn’t work, I try another technique tomorrow. You talked about guilting them to change: I tried that and it only lasts a few hours. I have hardly any social support. I live far from family. Don’t like the area/city they live in so I moved away. Besides we are the poster children for dysfunctional family. Highly educated but dysfunctional. I could go on and on but if someone reading this article can help me with one or two Actions that turned their child’s behavior around, I am listening. Please help. School mornings are the biggest nightmare. Won’t go to bed early and won’t wake up early either so it’s always a fight and a struggle. But I thank God that she does well in school So far. I have to turn this chaos around before she advances to 3rd grade as the material/life together would only get more challenging without the proper structure. H E L P
I’m hoping some of the strategies I listed have helped, but I can see you are overwhelmed and just feeling not enough. I am so sorry for both you and your child, and pray you can help build a support system that’ll help you get some control back. Let me know how those strategies go
Momma hang in there! I want to share my perspective, I was raised by my mom for the most part. I absolutely under appreciated her, for the things she did while raising us. Children do not see nor understand the daily struggles of being a parent, nor should they. I did not fully grasp some of the things my mom said to me till I had my own children. Then, it was, all about my child having what they needed, even at the expense of what I may have wanted or needed, and I finally understood a little bit of what my mom was frustrated about, and struggled with.
KB, you are too right. I was raised by a single mom too and feel exactly the same!
Have you looked at changing her diet? Does she get outdoor time? Do you limit screen time? Do you have a calming, peaceful night time transitions? Those are all things that have helped my son. I limit sugar and foods with dyes (they have been shown to effect behavior), he gets at least 1 hour of outdoor time everyday (Usually we just go on a long walk). Screen off at least an hour before bed. We turn down lights…. sometimes we play a board game, or drink relaxing tea, or warm bath, or story… cuddles?
Enjoy your children, when you make sure your children are a joy to be around, others will enjoy being around them as well. That was told to me when I was pregnant with my first born. Your post is great.
This post was great. I find myself feeling this way toward my oldest who is 5. She tends to be overly dramatic and self-centered. Traits we are trying to correct, but, that, sometimes are overwhelming and, truthfully, aggravating. Along with your advice I would also like to add prayer to the list. I have found that when my relationship with my children, husband, etc. are out of balance, so is my prayer life. It is easier to love someone when you bring them before God in prayer and seek his guidance. All that said, Thank You for your article. It was a great help!
Lynette, you are too right that prayer should have been #1!
Thank you for this article. I’m having a hard time with my four year old. He is beyond dramatic and cries 90% of the day if things don’t go his way. I’ve read so many articles and tried many different ways to calm him down or just try to reroute the crying tantrum but nothing has seemed to work yet. I give him plently of one on one attention and time for him to grow his indepenance so I am completely stumped. He has what I would think is a great childhood but he seems like such a unhappy child.
Amber, I am so sorry for the challenge you’re going through. I have a son who is “highly emotional” as well and there are two things I’ve found that make it worse. TV and allergies. So, I basically can’t let him watch any TV at all except movie night and he’s 75% better. If his allergies are messed up he falls down at the drop of a hat. He’s still fairly emotional, but I guess what I’m wondering is, do you think your son has allergies or headaches or chronic infections? Can you try cutting out TV (not sure why it matters for my son when it doesn’t for my other kids) or games or screen time?
I have two kids (one 5yr and the other 10 months)and am almost always angry. The reason is my baby makes me wake up several times at night and the elder one does not do much to help. He does not go to bed early and it’s always difficult to get him up early in the morning and then getting him ready and feeding him breakfast is always a riot. I sometimes feel I am going crazy. Every day morning I shout on my kid and I lose my temper on the baby at night. Please help.
I’m so sorry for this. I really encourage you to check out the Mama’s Anger Management course I’ve linked above. My friend runs it and there are SO MANY women who are in that course in similar situations. I think it might help.
This article has been very helpful. My son was diagnosed with adhd and he is extremely emotional about everything. It weighs on my patience and feelings everyday . I am trying to work with him daily on controlling his feelings and emotions but it doesn’t always click with him. This helped.
Shannon, it is so hard when our kids are blowing up for us to not blow up :(
I am having ONE of those days and this article just popped up on my pinterest hahaha… I wasn’t even searching for parenting articles at the time.. guess someone knew I needed it.. Thank you for your honesty and practical advice.. I love your blog and always find it a great source of information and reality that is very similar to our family and beliefs :-)
Thank you so much for your encouragement. We do all have those “days” don’t we :)
I’ve never commented on a blog before and honestly that is because I usually find soooo many of them unhelpful, almost careless even on the author’s part. Too often it is over-promising titles from someone desperately searching for answers to only be met with material that is either painfully obvious, useless or utterly ridiculous. Like wow, I never realized couponing, shopping sales, or becoming an Instagram model could transform my financial life! Thanks, Pinterest for wasting precious seconds of my life on that clickbait. Anyway, sorry I get carried away but I seriously have to say I’ve been sitting here for 2 hours going from one article to the next taking thorough notes. While most of these notes are me becoming extremely self-aware about some things I have messed up horribly at, I’m also inspired and making a set plan for change because we all deserve better and now we know why. Something has to give in our household and it all points to inconsistency, being fully present, the unrealistic expectations we place on our toddler, which in turn cause more anger in ALL of us. In your material I’m finding all these connections/ cause vs effect in our lives that I’d never have suspected would create so many symptoms/problems based on our behavior and even from friends and families childhood compared with personality traits now. Its so hard to hear as a parent that we’ve caused all of this turmoil in our son but also opened up a HUGE discussion between my husband and I, admitting both of our faults, yet providing us with accountability and a path to changing how we’ve done things since age 3 hit like a ton of bricks. Really love the insight into children’s minds and needs as well as the ways to cope, control, and reset. Anyway, I signed up for every email series I saw and look forward to making positive changes as a family and hopefully succeed in undoing the damage we’ve sadly caused. I read so many comments from readers which were super helpful to read as well as relate to or open eyes on what the future can hold when anger becomes the cycle. I can remember when I was a gentle, awesome mom and we were so close instead of angry, annoyed one with a son who isn’t sure what mom he’s getting today. I can’t wait to see myself back on the other side. XOXO Thank you so much for the genuine help and care for the families you’re targeting.
Danielle, thank you so much for your kind encouragement and I am so impressed with you immediately speaking with your husband and having takeaways! You are clearly an awesome mom.
I’ll also add: Find something to like about them and tell them what it is. It’s so easy to focus on the the things that annoy us, but we need to focus on what they do that’s good and praise them for it. (Then they’ll do more of it!) But that’s why #3 is so important – sometimes you have to spend lots of time with them to find something to praise! :) I find that when my kids are being annoying, I feel like I want to get away from them, but if I force myself to spend MORE time with them, I end up wanting to be around them even more! It gives me more chances to see the good in them, the cute things they do and say, and like you said, it just fills their love tank back up so they don’t feel that they HAVE to be annoying just to get my attention.
Sharing this post with friends today!
Kendra, thanks so much. It’s so important we can step back and think on this instead of freaking out completely when we feel these feelings. BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
I think this is normal way to feel towards anyone at times. Sometimes, it’s just me. There are times when I just don’t like anyone, and I need to acknowledge that.
With my kids, they are young enough that I can say I don’t like their behavior. I make sure they know I always love them. I want them to grow in adults people will like to be around. The problem is usually they are not getting something they need – not enough guidance, not enough freedom, not enough of my time, not enough of a siblings’ attention. Sometimes not enough to eat! I am always amazed how much giving a kid a (usually) healthy snack can change their behavior!
Exactly, when they are not getting something they need they will act out!
Spending some quality time is one of the first step you should do, to build a proper relationship with your kid. All parents struggle with the question of whether they are being a good parent and doing a good job as a parents. It’s only natural to worry about our children. And whenever one of them does something wrong, we ask ourselves if we did anything to cause the behavior. In those times, we may find ourselves wondering, “am I a good mom?” During this last, crazy period I found that chess are a very good and educational thing for kids at every age. I know that this statement is like reinventing the wheel, chess is not only a complicated game adults enjoy but also great fun for young children. Regardless of the child’s age, chess develops concentration, increases patience and positively affects the intellectual and emotional development of the child. The rules of chess are very simple and children can learn them already from around the age of three. Not everyone can or wants to become a professional chess player but everyone can use chess for learning. For this purpous I can recommend a book (net-boss.org/chess-puzzles-for-kids-by-maksim-aksanov) with bunch of great exercises, which will help you and your kids to be better in this :)