Don’t beat yourself up because you got angry. Let’s get to the root of the issue and discuss some things that moms should not do when they’re to the point of breaking. When you’re angry – whether at your kids, spouse, or something else – there are a few things NOT to do. And they don’t even involve your kids or others!
We all scream, because we have kids!
Let’s talk about some things we should not do when we’re feeling like an angry mom.
We’re mad, our tempers flared, and we’ve lost it.
It goes deeper than just not yelling.
But, the first thing we shouldn’t do is…
Don’t Yell When You’re an Angry Mom
But, let’s look at yelling in itself. It’s not always a bad thing. In fact, it’s a natural thing.
It depends on the circumstance. In face, in some situations yelling is appropriate.
- At sporting events
- When someone is walking across a street and a car is coming
Yelling is actually a natural instinct when we have in certain situations like when we’re excited, we want to celebrate, or we need to get someones attention.
So, yelling in itself is not morally bad or good. It all depends on what’s happening.
Therefore, every time you yell is not morally wrong. What it does mean is that if you are yelling it’s because something servers has happened. It merits you trying to get everyones attention.
Of course, we don’t want to scream and yell at our kids as a habit. We know this doesn’t go well and we’re gonna be putting that therapy bill later.
But, it is still natural. So when things get to a point where you’re feeling powerless, out of control, alarmed, and angry…
This is a signal to figure out “how we got here.”
What can you do to manage the environment so we don’t get here again.
The biggest and pretty much only time I yell is about the house. It’s like “why do kids not care about messes?” They literally don’t care! I super-duper-big-fat-care. So, coming into a messy room makes me want to yell “what happened!”
So, I would have to apologize for yelling. At the same time, I didn’t feel so bad because I wasn’t ok with the utter chaos and distraction.
It simply wasn’t “ok” with me. The yelling- I didn’t want to do.
So, instead of focusing on the yelling, I focused on the thing that was causing me to yell.
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Don’t Micro-Manage the Triggers
Instead of just having cool-down methods to prevent the yelling, go the source of the alarm and actually fix it.
Otherwise, the angry mom yelling will probably continue because the issue hasn’t been fixed.
Don’t go crazy thinking about…
- how to use your voice, or
- walking away.
These are good things to think about, but it isn’t the focus of what we need to do here.
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Don’t Skip the Opportunity to Repair Relationships
Of course, just because you yelled once the relationship isn’t broken forever. But, once someone yells at us it’s very insulting to our senses.
It can even be scary.
So we want to do a do-over.
We can’t be perfect. But, even if we could, nothing we can do would make our kids perfect. This is because they are their own individuals.
I like to help my kids understand what I’m thinking when I apogize so they can learn to…
- think more critically, and
- be more aware.
Instead of brushing it off, I may explain to them that…
Mommy saw the big mess and got overwhelmed. And, so I lost it. It’s not ok that I yelled and I apologize. But, I want you to understand what set me off.
Kids understand this because they yell at each other all the time. At least, mine do!
Kids get that we can get pushed to a point where we react. Don’t be afraid to just be frank and explain why you were an angry mom. Talk it out. And, repair the relationship.
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Don’t Guilt Yourself for Being and Angry Mom
Don’y guilt yourself into obliteration . If you yelled because you got angry and overwhelmed, it’s not the end of the world. When you go off to give yourself a massive guilt trip about it… you’re going to feel twice as bad.
You will then feel…
- emotionally let down, and
The truth is, you’re less likely to yell if you feel calm and emotionally stable. So, the guilt trip isn’t helping. Things go way better when we’re feeling in control.
Going on a major guilt trip will send you down a spiral on sanity. And down there at the bottom of the spiral… you’re more likely to yell, be better, want to escape, or feel resentful.
Guilting yourself is not an effective strategy. I talk about this in my book “If Mama Aint’ Happy”. It doesn’t help to feel bad about feeling bad.
That is just feeling bad twice! No, no, no…. we got to take the top layer off and get to the root. We’ve got to understand what drives is to become an angry mom.
Don’t Neglect Taking Care of Yourself
Anger is a secondly emotion. It’s an emotion that covers other emotions.
So, if you’ve felt…
- unsupported at home, or
- have financial stress
These can manifest in ourself as anger.
When I say to take care of yourself, I’m not talking about treating yourself (AKA a mani-pedi or a pint of ice cream).
I’m talking about things like getting more sleep, keeping a proper nutritious diet, spending more time alone, selling something that’s bloating your finances, or dropping extra curriculars .
If you don’t properly take care of yourself, you don’t get to empty your emotional basement. If you start to see that you’re getting angry more often, it may be time to evaluate this.
You will not be as angry if you are well. This is the truth.
You don’t need to yell or scream.
Don’t focus on all the triggers and ignore the actual reason why you’re an angry mom.
Figure out why you’re ticked off, and don’t make yourself feel bad about it.
Don’t neglect taking or yourself or pass over the opportunity to repair your relationships.
Mistakes are going to be made, even long after the kids are gone. That’s just a part of life. I believe talking through the mistakes with your kids will help them become well adjusted.