Why to Let Children Take Risks & Experience Failure

Children grow when given the opportunity to take risks and experience failure in a healthy way. Inside you’ll read how to let them do this through balance and thoughtful parenting.

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I remember when I was in my mid 20’s and lived in Italy.

There was a stereotype going around. At that time the average Italian family had .9 children and children were seen to be smothered.

They were hovered over and fussed about to no end. I had an Italian friend say that a child couldn’t climb into a chair without 5 adults trying to get him down lest he fall.

Actually these Italian babies were the cutest thing ever and I wouldn’t want them to get scraped either…

But the truth is, everything is Risky

Let’s face it. With small children, everything is risky…

The bed, a place of supposed repose, becomes an apparatus from which your 1-year-old will launch herself and break an arm. While your mother watches helplessly on Skype. Even though you were right there as it happened and yet powerless to stop it.

True story.

Children can climb into a chair 12,532 times and the 12,533rd time… fall out and chip a tooth. The truth is, there was always a chance it could happen.

Balancing Natural Life & Risk

How do we balance letting life happen naturally with protecting our children from risk and harm?

You probably read the Forbes article published entitled 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders. I thought the article was thought-provoking, and one that caused a lot of emotions in many mothers, I’m sure. I tend to hover so it definitely struck a few chords with me.

Today, I’m focusing on the first crippling behavior listed, that parents don’t let their children experience risk.

It isn’t like mothers think we should put our children in a padded room never to experience any damage. Most parents don’t say “I’ll never let my child climb a tree.”

When thinking rationally, most parents would even say that letting children discover their own boundaries and abilities is a good thing.

Helicopter Parenting

We are the age of helicopter parents.

A helicopter parent is always hovering waiting to intervene at a second’s notice to prevent any possible ill from befalling our children.

As we do this we feel proud that we are protecting our children from harm. In fact, hovering can almost been seen as a virtue in the face of parents who let their children climb to high heights or explore the big bad woods.

And yet, I believe, too much is too much.

The Forbes article states, “If parents remove risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.”

Research and common sense both show that we need to let our children learn some life lessons through first hand experience.

Do you find this hard? Is your husband more able to let your kids figure things out on their own? My husband and I equally tend to hover and must forcibly stand back often.

Here are my thoughts on how we can let our children experience and embrace risk without being negligent:

1. Train first

Sometimes we simply can’t watch our children go off and do something that could get them injured.

If your children like heights or climbing adventures, then why not spend some time helping your children learn to go up and down safely. Getting up is the easy part, but getting down is where tumbles often occur.

If you’ve helped your children with these skills, you’ll feel more confident in letting them have fun without climbing the tree right beside them.

What about relationships and friendships at school or day care?

• If you are afraid they will be ostracized and are tempted to intervene, why not use it as an opportunity to help them help themselves.
• Why not teach your children inter-personal skills? There’s no time like the present to teach conflict resolution skills, how to confront another in love, and forgiveness.
• We simply must let them solve some of their own problems. It doesn’t mean we leave them floundering, just that we don’t intervene at the slightest sign of discomfort.

People must feel discomfort to grow. 

2. Encourage independent thinking

Independent thinking leads to natural problem solving skills.

One reason Babywise considers Independent Play-time foundational is that it gives children opportunity to think for themselves.

For example: If they throw a toy out of the playpen they quickly learn the consequence: no more toy. If they are stacking or building they’ll learn how to balance to reach the highest height.

When my kids ask for help I always respond, but I don’t always do what they ask. Sometimes I’ll stand by my daughter and explain to her how to finish what she’s started.

Other times, instead of just doing it for them I’ll ask a few questions to get them thinking. Why?

• This will encourage children to think on their own will help them become resilient, adaptable and confident.
• There is great confidence to be found in problem-solving, don’t rob your children of this by attempting to make them momentarily comfortable.
• As your children become more confident and proficient in problem solving and decision-making you may just find you aren’t so scared to let them have more freedom of choice.

3. Turn tumbles into truths

One way to help train your children in many areas of life is to turn tumbles, accidents and heartaches into opportunities to teach.

My daughter attempted to crawl through the metal fire pit (unlit and it was moveable) this evening. She got stuck and couldn’t get herself out. In fact, I almost couldn’t get her out.

Afterwards when she repeated the incident to her father. She said “it just wasn’t good to crawl in the hole.” You see? I didn’t even have to drop a “you found out.“

5. Ask yourself: What the worst that could happen?

This is something the anxiety counsellor suggested when I was struggling with anxiety in my last pregnancy. Perhaps…there are many ways in which I was hovering that weren’t really necessary.

What is likely to happen if they fall off the merry-go-round? They hit the ground below? I don’t know how many times I’ve stopped myself and waited for “worst case scenario.”

Worst case scenario doesn’t happen often. When it does, it is often far less distressing as I thought. I am frequently happy with my conscious choice to stop hovering. I made that decision, and it has helped!

Of course we should keep our children safe! Of course we should train them what to do and what not to do! Our goal should be teaching them to make safety decisions on their own, appropriate to their developmental age.

However, there will come a day when we simply must let our children make their own decisions. You wouldn’t let a 4-year-old decide which school they will attend, but you will let them make other day-to-day and moment-to-moment decisions.

While it is our job to protect our children, we shouldn’t attempt to protect them from all harm and disappointment. Doing so will raise fearful children who don’t know their physical and emotional limits. It will also prevent them from developing the self-confidence and security that comes from getting themselves out of trouble.

6. Childproof some things and back off

Make sure your backyard is free of pythons and pitchforks, then let them play.

If you aren’t there watching their every move you won’t feel the need to intervene. Find a park that isn’t in a dangerous area or right off a major highway so you can let them run wild and free.

Let the stay with family or friends whose parents you trust, and take a break. Ultimately, we can not protect our children from everything… even though we try hard. At some point we must simply do our due diligence and trust God’s will be done.

I trust myself. Why? Because in my 32 years I’ve been put in many many situations of varying degrees of risk and I’ve come out alive.

I’ve made great decisions, poor decisions and I’ve acquired much wisdom by getting myself out of many situations. I am not afraid to take risks. Why?

Because I trust that I can make the best of whatever happens. That is what I want to give my children.

When I get the urge to intervene with my children – and the urge comes often – I often stop myself and wait.

I will let the kid try to get down from the high surface or finish what they’ve attempted to start. At least half the time they solve problems for themselves. Far far more often than I expect, they resolve situations to their liking without my help.

I’d love to hear how you handle hovering, helicoptering or risk-taking. Is it hard for you? Easy? Do your parents think you hover too much or not enough?