As parents, it feels good- even great- when our children need us. However, we have to remind our self that our long term goal is to raise independent kids.
Maybe it’s because I’m an only child (birth order does matter) or because I have 5 children very close in age (kids close together in age changes dynamics), but raising independent kids is very important to me.
I don’t want them to be emotionally distant or independent from their family, but simply capable and confident of their own abilities.
You don’t have to know how to do everything to be confident in yourself. You just have to feel confident that you can figure things out!
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Phrases that help raise independent kids
Here are some phrases that will encourage your kids to become independent and capable little ones who grow into adults; ready and willing to try new things.
Read: Life Skills By Age – With Printable
1. “Let’s give it a try.”
Certain personalities don’t want to try anything they aren’t already good at.
If you’ve already explained enough that you know your child understand what needs to be done, let them give it a try.
Stay close, but don’t intervene before they’re met and pushed through a little resistance.
2. “It’s not that you can’t, you just can’t YET…”
I get why people say “don’t say ‘I can’t’. But honestly… sometimes it’s just the truth.
If I say I can’t speak Mandarin that is a fact. So instead of arguing with them about their current ability, look forward.
“Let’s give it a few tries and then you’ll get the hang of it. Sometimes we have to give a lot of effort before it works!”
This is both realistic and optimistic point of view!
3. “It doesn’t matter how many tries it takes.”
One thing I can’t stand is when my kids quit before they’ve even started trying. Stopping when the going gets hard, isn’t going to raise independent kids.
There’s wisdom in quitting something that’s unwise, unfruitful, or wrong, but kids need to know that the majority of things in life take a lot of real hard work and effort. And that’s okay. It’s really, really okay.
Read: 5 Truths About Parenting Toddlers — That We Tend To Forget
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Learn More4. “Show me how you do it!”
I’m happy to help my kids do many things because I love them so! However, with a lot of young kids it’s actually physically impossible to meet their constant requests.
And even if it were possible, there’s no sense in it. My 1 year old can push a stool up to the sink, climb the stool, fill his cup with water and drink it. And I let him.
It sometimes makes a mess, but I will say I have found one thing: my kids love to do things on their own. When you want to raise independent kids, the key is to actually let them try.
Read: Chores 2 & 3 Year Olds Can Do On Their Own
Help prepare your kids for life, one skill at a time. Simple, easy skills every month!
Learn More5. “Why do you think that happened?”
It’s not enough that we ask children to do things and expect them to obey.
We actually need to teach them why things happen the way they do. Learning cause and effect is a very important developmental milestone.
Chicken and the egg.
The cart before the horse.
After something goes one way or the other it’s wise to ask your children what they think about it. Get them involved in how things work.
And honestly, the answers they give will be good fodder for their quote book.
Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?
6. “What do you think is the better choice?”
This works similar to the question above because it gets them involved. When I’m trying to get my children to do something, but meeting a little resistance, I will often ask this question.
“What do you think is the better choice?”
This works because it lets you into their brain. Often you’ll find out exactly why they are hesitating.
As a Type-A mom I tend to want things to happen quick, but my daughter will often give me quite a lengthy explanation as to why she thinks what she does and it helps me know her.
Raising critical independent thinkers is tough, but worth it!
Read: The Secret Way To Raise Independent Kids
7. “What do you think is going to happen?”
Independent kids need to learn to think through things and think ahead.
Why is this soooo important? You want your kids to…
- Actively engage in their decision making
- See the “big picture”
- Rationalize cause & effect
- Make better decisions next time
- Take responsibility for their decisions
- Be a better judge of future consequences
Not only should you use this phrase in daily life, but when reading books to kids (you really, really should)!
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Want some Helpful Phrases Printables?
Because helpful phrases make life with kids *so much easier* and they work – even science says so! – we have created a book chock full of printables for various situations.
Whether it’s mealtime, tantrums, how to listen, bedtime, etc. we’ve got a book full of phrases to help you be the parent you want to be. Check it out here in both digital and paperback.
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Terrific things to be reminded of often. While these are important to remember while communicating with little ones, the difficult part is remembering to do so in the “heat of the moment.” Taking a deep breath and using these tools can dramatically change way we communicate with children.
As always…easier said than done, but well worth the effort.
Nice post.
So true, Elizabeth. This post actually came out of me having to constantly hold my tongue and not get exasperated with one of my children who wants everything done for him!
Oh, I always appreciate the time I spent here — I run a home-based Montessori preschool, so these phrases speak right to my heart! It can be hard to encourage independence, especially when doing it for them can be so much easier and make us feel so much nicer, but it truly does amazing things for children :) Thanks for sharing!
How fun! I haven’t read much on Montessori, but every time I read a post here or there about it I think it seems right on. I actually think we almost have to teach them to NOT be independent, you know?
This is a great list. My mom used many of those with me, and I know it was good for my personality! “Hard to do, but you can do it” was one of her regulars.
Oh I like that!!!!
I used these and a few others on my boys as they were growing up. Their favorite was and still is, no boxes no limits.
I wanted them to know they could do anything and become anyone regardless of what the world thought.
They are in their mid 20s now and (in my highly biased opinion) are very independent and successful men
Beth, I really like that! Encouraging independence and an attitude that says the sky’s the limit if you work hard. And just because it’s highly biased doesn’t mean it isn’t true ;)
This is very insightful. Its so different from the way kids are raised especially in my country. And the thing is, at the end of the day it affects our sense of Independence. Thanks again for this lovely writeup
What country are you from? I bet each country has their own “go to” phrases, huh?