If you are guilty of feeling angry at your children and are really struggling, I encourage you to check out my friend Amanda’s Mama’s Anger Management Course that’s open right now.
Children have a way of really messing with your mind.
In your previous life you were neat, tidy, calm, and in total control. Clothes ironed (I’m talking all clothes, not just today’s), books sorted by color, and Christmas presents bought in July every year. Now you are always tidying a messy house, slightly frazzled, and feel out of control. You no longer purchase clothes that require ironing, your books are multi-colored now since they are all about dogs, kittens, and fairies, and you buy gifts cards for everyone on December 24th. And send them electronically.
Many women take this in stride, but for some, it can be truly difficult to manage the emotions that parenthood brings. Depending on your situation, how well your child listens, and any medical or emotional issues, the day to day can seem out of control.
Here are a few reasons why moms find themselves getting mad at their kids.
- If you don’t get enough sleep you’re a tired mom and thus have a short fuse.
- You’re just generally feeling stressed and you can lose it at the drop of a hat.
- Your child doesn’t listen to your instructions.
- They are defiant and rude to you and their siblings.
- The nagging, whining, and tattling.
- There hasn’t been enough time to refresh and recharge.
There are others, but you get the idea. Motherhood is all-consuming, and it’s easy to get mad at your kids.
When you get mad at your kids…
1. Evaluate the frequency.
How often do you find yourself angry at your kids? Is it every so often when they act up, spill your Diet Coke, or run away from you? If so, that’s normal. That said, if you are perpetually mad at your child regardless of their behavior or moods, then there’s likely an underlying issue.
See: Why am I an angry mom? 5 anger triggers and how to cope with them
2. Evaluate your triggers.
Do you lose your cool and get angry because your children don’t listen to you or follow your lead? If so, try some new strategies with your kids. This is actually an “easy” reason, in the grand scheme of things, because you can both teach positively and find your child’s currency. Perhaps it’s no TV, no books, or no games. Think about some logical consequences to their regular shenanigans, and take a few weeks to be very consistent with your responses. During that time be sure and build them up and praise their efforts as well. Even if this doesn’t resolve your anger, it’ll definitely improve their behavior.
3. Get away.
When all you want to do is escape, that’s a sign you need some time away. Whether that’s a morning with friends or even a two day mommy vacation, if you are consistently wanting to get away from your children that is a sign you should probably do so. And I’m not talking about the selfish need to be away, but a genuine need for some time of refreshing.
See: How do you unwind?
4. Take a minute.
It’s one thing to yell a time or two at your kids. I may be in the minority, but I believe if they are seriously out of control and you yell… well… it won’t hurt them. Kids know when they are pushing the boundaries. However, if you find that you are always right on the verge then teach your kids how to “give you a minute.” I’ll write about this soon because I’ve been practicing this. Essentially, you teach your children that when you say “give me a minute” you are going to be alone and they need to leave you alone. When you are about to explode in anger, go take a minute. Or five.
5. Get help.
If you’re a Type A mom like me, you don’t want to ask for help. A lady in my Bible study tonight said she could be dragging herself across the floor with her bare hands and, if someone said “Do you need help?” she’d probably respond, “Nah, I’ve got it.” Ha! This is our problem. Whether we get help from our spouse, a group of friends, a counselor, a pastor, or even a helpline, we need to get it. People are a lot less shock-able than you’d imagine. Don’t let your pride stop you from getting help.
Do you want 50 printable Calm Down Tips?
My friend Amanda is an expert on Mama’s Anger Management and she has a printable you can print out and use to help you learn to calm down. The 50 Calm Down Tips are free and will get emailed straight to you!
I’ve created a free email series just for you! If you have a little one aged 1 to 8, this series will help transform your home environment. No, that is not a joke or false claim. You can let your kids express their emotions without raising back talkers who meltdown at the drop of a hat or throw a tantrum every time they are unhappy with something. After this free email series:
- your child will stop throwing tantrums for attention
- you’ll know how to validate and affirm your child’s emotions
- you’ll feel more in control of the atmosphere of your home and will be able to operate out of a place of love, not frustration
Click here to sign up for my free email series or simply click on the image below.
Rachel
New to this community? Start here, friend.
sunet Knoblauch says
Wow,so tru.thank you.I enjoy reading your blog.and appreciate your honesty.
Rachel Norman says
Thanks, Sunet! :)
rebekah says
My daughter who is 6 knows that when mama tell her she needs to go to her room it’s not a punishment but for her own good. Because I have said this a lot. Go to your room for ten minutes mama needs time. All of her books and most of her toys are in there and I don’t make her sit on her bed and do nothing. It’s just a way to give us both space and a few minutes to cool off.
Rachel Norman says
Rebekah, exactly! I’m going to spend a week and really hone this point home for a while, the “mama needs a minute” because I really think it’s key!
Katherine G Levine says
When I was a foster mom with an every changing group of teens in trouble with the law, anger visited frequently; theirs, mine, my husbands. Two things saved us all. The CARE response which I developed: C = Confront unacceptable behavior and sometimes that is when your last nerve has been stepped on, or the kid won’t listen to nice; A = when the blowing is over Ally with the kid, take a deep breath, stop yelling, speak softly; R = Review, ask the kid why you blew your top; amazing the answers; give the kids a few tries and then share your reality; this is a good time to apologize if your stress was to blame and well as their behavior; E= End on a good note even if you have to impose a consequence, you can praise knowing the kid wants to do better.
The Second thing what John Gottman’s Five to One Rule. Five good things for every bad thing. The good things need not be big, and need not be strung together: A Thank You, a bit of sincere praise, listening, affirming, a special snack.
Rachel Norman says
Katherine, that is GREAT great words there, thank you so much for sharing that. I really love it!
Janae says
How can I find the course
Rachel Norman says
Janae, if you click on the ‘click here’ words or the image at the bottom (occasionally itwill not display) then it’ll po pup and let you enter your email. Then you’ll get it for free!
Angela says
Where did the course go? It just comes up as 404.
Rachel Norman says
OH NO! IF you click on it now, does it work? IF you click on the orange image will it work?
Samantha says
I’m interested in taking this course, however, when I click on the photo or the link it takes me to a page that says the site doesn’t exist.
Rachel Norman says
Okay so I’m going to give you the link right here, and I’ve changed that to 50 free calm down tips for moms which should also work now.
https://dbparenting.leadpages.co/mamas-anger-management-jan2017/?afmc=d0