Hey friend,
As you already know, I talk a lot.
I’ve never been what people might call an “Active Listener.”
Oh, sure, I listened to your story, but I probably also interrupted and finished your sentences. I’m an only child. The struggle is real.
But since I’ve had kids… well… it’s worse.
Now I bet you think I’m a super bad listener. Like, you probably think my children have given me ADHD.
And you might be right. But I don’t know because I don’t have time to think about that right now.
When We’re Out
You see, if I run into you at the grocery store and stop to chat, I am listening. I promise. Even while my kids are being loud and squealy, I hear your most recent news and how things are going at home. I actually really do care about you, your family, and your life. I DO.
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It’s just that I’m also doing something else.
I’m doing a head count.
If I maintain eye contact while we’re talking my kids will hide 13 boxes of Pop Tarts in our cart. I blame their father. While I’m trying to ask questions and make adult conversation, they’ll walk together in a big mob to the end of the aisle and just stand there. They like to create Grocery Aisle Traffic Jams and make conversation with strangers.
Isn’t this how kids get taken?
When We’re At Your Party…
Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you invited me to your party. There is a cooped up party animal inside me waiting to get out at every social event. Mainly because I go to so few social events. I really want to mingle and chat. I really want to banter and laugh about adult things.
But you probably think I’m hopped up on something. My eyes are darting around and I keep saying, “One sec,” over and over. But I’m not a junkie. I’m just doing what I do every time I’m out with the kids.
I’m doing a head count.
You see the last time I was not diligent about doing my head count, we had a bit of an issue. I was engrossed in a conversation and making too much eye contact with you.
Eye contact is the enemy of the head count.
I caught sight of #4 just in time to watch him run headfirst into a motorized John Deere car. He jumped up and kept moving, but that was enough for me to decide…
I cannot look my friends in the eyes anymore.
It’s simply too dangerous.
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Learn MoreBecause I’m Outnumbered
The issue is I’m outnumbered. I have two arms and 5 kids. And we all know what research says about mob mentality. They wait around until I look distracted and that’s when their best ideas come.
Mischief is made when mama is trying to have a conversation.
They make immediate friends with other unsupervised kids and then before we know it they’re having the time of their life and old people are giving us dirty looks.
And then there are so many little kids running around…
I can’t even do a proper head count.
So if you see me…
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
So if you see me in public with my kids then know this. I promise I care what you’re saying. I really do want to know how your family is. I’m not trying to be rude or distracted. One day in the future I hope we can have awesome talks where our kids don’t interrupt or get lost or injured. But until then…
I am listening.
Without making eye contact.
While doing a head count.
::
This one has me rolling! Seriously holding a pillow over my face so I don’t wake up the kids with my giggles. You are not the only one! I have been in this state since my oldest was one. As soon as he could walk, okay, crawl quickly, Mama’s been on high alert. I’m convinced he was born with no sense of danger, because I still haven’t see it emerge yet and we’re now approaching 5 years old. When my daughter was born, the most terrifying part of the day was when I was nursing her. I was convinced that in those 15 minutes of my preoccupation he would find the most dangerous activity possible, something he had never attempted before, like climbing the bookcase, or figuring out how to access the knife drawer. And my fears were not unfounded because, well, that’s my boy!
So, no offense here if you’re not looking me in the eye. I get it!
Ha, we get it :)
Yes! This! I don’t really remember if I was ever that great at eye contact, but I definitely have realized that since having my first child that I am now awful at it. Even when I don’t have my kids with me my eyes are still darting around out of habit and I actually struggle to maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds without feeling awkward.
Exactly!!!
Hi Rachel,
I am so glad you wrote this post!:D I do exactly the same thing and I only have one baby so far haha! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one.
Yes! This. is. true. Even when I am not outnumbered I will appear distracted because Mommy’s survival habits die hard. Also, when I do finally get a chance at child free conversation I find I forget how to listen and instead take over conversations, sometimes without even trying to. Something about need to be heard in order to make a connection.
I completely agree with this. Even if I’m alone I look around like I’m missing something.
So true! Even though I only have 3 so far, so much of it still applies!
Yes!
This is one thing that I COMPLETELY understand!!!!!
Just reading this made me laugh outloud bc I can envision it vividly from personal experience.
But it also made me take a big sigh of relief. Now I know that atleast one other person on this planet understands and I am not alone!
I know other mother’s experience what happens when Mama gets distracted but I’ve never heard anyone talk about it. And I struggle to not offend people who are trying to talk to me. I am always saying, “I’m listening, I promise”. And really I am!! It just doesn’t look or seem like it with my eyes somewhere else ALOT and
having to interrupt to correct children often ? Thanks so much for being a transparent Mom!!
I always say that… I’m listening I promise.
HI Rachel! Great post as always – really enjoy reading up on your parenting advice and tips. It’s true that looking after multiple children can bring on A LOT of challenges! It’s tough to “act normal” in public and still be attentive to your kids.
It can be challenging being a busy mom and sometimes a vacation is much needed. To upkeep your house while you’re gone I suggest hiring a house sitter! They can pick up your mail, water your plants and even look after your pets. I recommend visiting a website like Housesitter.com to view opportunities for you!
I understand, I really do. People ask how I do it, and I tell them the same thing. I’m always counting to six! And if I don’t or if I let my guard down because Daddy or Auntie is around someone goes missing. Sigh. Keep on counting! :)
Ha, I am going to teach my kids how to do a count off this summer. ;)
I just wanted to say I love your blogs! Especially the one about the head count in the store! I do this ALL THE TIME! I only have three boys! I can’t imagine 5! Same fears that they’ll get taken, or run. I get it! Keep doing what your doing, and writing when you can! We are out there!, and we love your blog!
Ha, Maureen. I did it with 3 too! My oldest daughter 6 helps me keep track. Little mommy in training ;)
I just realized that I do the same thing, everywhere I go! I have two kids and I’m pretty sure they’ve given me ADHD!!
HA, yes!
Yes I do this too and it feels rude. But other moms have done it to me! In the middle of a sentence, just look away and yell something at a kid and then turn back to me and pick up the sentence where they left off. Conversations just can’t really be had when the kids are around. I can barely talk to my husband until they’re asleep!
Jess, I used to be like “can’t you pay attention to me?” before kids but now I see… you’d MUCH RATHER pay close attention but one has to watch out for their little ones.
Yesssss. Thank you for saying it. And I only got three and that is enough.
Ha, it’s enough!
Love this! I can’t even fathom having five children to keep track of, and I have no doubt you are doing a fabulous job at it. Speaking as someone who doesn’t have kids yet (that changes this Nov.) I can honestly say that I expect any parent I’m interacting with to be at least partially distracted at all times, even if their kids aren’t there ;0) No judgment!
Haha you’ll be a great mom :)
Oh my goodness, yes. Now how do you explain this to your husband?! Honestly, does anyone have any tips for a conversation with your spouse without anyone lighting anything on fire?
HA!
I can relate! I do not have 5 children, but I have two boys! I am always looking for my boys making sure they are okay and rarely keeping eye contact. I thought I was one of the few who felt like this. It’s so hard to mingle with friends and watch babies, too. I choose to keep the head count rather than keep the eye contact. Less damage that way.
Oh I bought all 4 of my boys the same bathing suit this summer so when we’re in public I can spot them easy. Ha!
Hello Rachel,
This is ALL SO TRUE!!!
I have 4 kids. Now they are a little older than yours (between 11 and 5 years old), but I still do the same thing you do.
When we are at someone’s house, my worry is that they don’t break anything, and I feel like a “mad mom” always after the kids and looking for what they are doing… specially the little one that is an expert on doing mischiefs!
Thank you for your sharing. It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this crazy life!
Filipa
Ha you are NOT the only one ;)