• Home
  • About Rachel
  • Contact
    • Work With Me
  • My Shop
  • Start Here

A Mother Far from Home

  • Discipline
    • Toys And Play
    • Big Family
    • Family Culture
    • Diapers & Potty Training
    • Irish Twins
    • Teething
  • Emotions
  • Faith
    • Christian Holidays
    • Church Related
    • Spiritual Principles
  • Home
    • Cleaning & Chores
    • Meal Time & Eating
    • Organizing, Tidying & Decluttering
    • Emergency Preparedness For Families
  • Motherhood
    • Mental & Emotional Wholeness
    • Mother’s Helper
    • Type A
    • Books to Read
    • Pregnancy
  • Routine
    • Baby Schedules & Routines
    • Toddler Routines & Schedules
    • Mom Schedules & Routines
    • School Routines
  • Sleep
    • Sleep Troubleshooting
    • Napping Tips
    • Basic Sleep Tips
Home » Mom Life » Mental & Emotional Wholeness » When In Survival Mode… Crucial Questions To Ask Yourself

When In Survival Mode… Crucial Questions To Ask Yourself

Updated February 18, 2021

899shares

Want simple chaos-erasing family routines? Who doesn't? Check out our Family Routines Reboot!

Want simple chaos-erasing family routines? Who doesn't? Check out our Family Routines Reboot!

Often moms get in survival mode and find it hard to get out. Or even more urgently, find it hard to take care of the kids in the day to day. Here are strategies plus some encouragement for the emotionally exhausted mom.


I remember the day clearly. Walking into the kitchen, I saw a dirty pile of dishes stacked near the sink.

I stopped, stared at the pile that seemed high as Mt. Everest, and begin having an immediate panic attack. 

Then, I left the kitchen, ran to the bedroom, and threw myself down on the bed sobbing.

In This Post...

  • The meaning of survival mode
  • How to know if you're in survival mode
  • Questions to ask yourself
  • Practical coping strategies if you're in survival mode

mom in yellow screaming

I could.not.do. One More Thing. 

The thought of having to do a 15 minute household chore was enough to keep me on the bed crying for two hours. It was intense, it was exaggerated, but it was very real.

It was also my first indication of where I was living in that season of my life. I was a burnt out stay at home mom and I was in…

Survival mode. 

So what is survival mode? Let’s look at the meaning…

Let’s draw an illustration together.

Imagine a cart full of neatly stacked juicy red apples.

Then imagine that the cart gets tipped sideways and those neatly stacked apples begin tumbling out onto the ground.

Of course, you want to get those apples back on the cart and clean up the mess.

So you begin to pick up the fallen apples and put them back on the cart, but – since the cart is still leaning sideways – as soon as you put an apple back, another one falls to the ground in its place.

So now, instead of pushing the cart to your destination and humming happily, you’re frantically trying to get all the rogue apples back into the cart.

a mother in survival mode sitting on the floor in her toddler's room with toddler in blue clothes

This is the meaning of survival mode.

Previously you had energy for other things.

Now, all your energy goes to trying to get those renegade apples back on the lopsided cart without another avalanche.

It is exhausting – one step forward three steps back – and leaves little time to do the other things in life for which you previously had both the energy and the capacity.

So what is the answer?

To get the cart right side up.

Read: Strategies For Overwhelmed Moms Who Want To Escape

apples

How To Know If You’re Living In Survival Mode Mentality (And How To Get Out)

Survival mode can be physical, emotional, mental and practical.

It is when you are doing just enough to keep life going and, in order to stay afloat, you have to let many other important areas of life slip by the wayside just to have the energy to stay above water.

Survival mode is dangerous in many ways and, while it can’t be avoided sometimes, we should attempt to get out of it as quick as we can by striking at the root.

How can we go forward from here?

Related Reads:
  • The Real Reason Moms Never Have Enough Time (Hint: It’s Not Because They Waste It)
  • How To Live Within Your Limits And Hold Your Boundaries

Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re In Survival Mode… Unraveling It All

While you’re in it, things seem so confusing and overwhelming.

You’re stressed.

You’re worried.

You might be depressed.

But you are absolutely over it all.

1. What Exactly Is Happening To Keep You Here?

Ask yourself the following questions.

  • When did this feeling start?
  • Was it a rapid decline or a gradual slope?
  • What could have triggered survival mode?
  • Is the whole family in survival mode or just me?
  • Is this a season that is likely to pass soon? (Like pregnancy, a move, life transition)
  • Do I feel on the verge of a “nervous breakdown” at times?

Sometimes all it takes is us asking ourselves a few honest questions, and then giving ourselves honest answers, and we can determine why it is we’re feeling how we’re feeling.

Read: 5 Things Emotionally Exhausted Mothers Need to Remember

2. Have I made major stressful events in my life recently? 

According to a counselor who helped me through a big period of Survival Mode in my life, some of life’s most stressful events include:

  • marriage
  • moving house
  • divorce
  • becoming a parent
  • moving overseas
  • being pregnant
  • loss of a loved one (including miscarriage)
  • health crisis

If you’ve experienced one of these recently, particularly if you’ve experienced a few together… it is no wonder you are in survival mode.

When I was in bed weeping over the dishes I started evaluating what the past 3 years of my life had looked like. In that time  I’d gotten married, moved houses 3 times, immigrated overseas, had a baby, and was now pregnant again…

I was lucky I had my hair.

And as this picture depicts, time does not really heal all wounds, it just patches them up so we can keep moving. When we’re in survival mode we keep moving with gaping wounds.

When we want to get out of survival mode, we have to stop patching up and start healing.

Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane

cartoon drawing

3. Am I Trying to Tip the Cart Back Upright Or Am I Picking Up Individual Fallen Apples? 

To think about the concept of survival mode a bit deeper… think about a tree’s root system.

If your tree is planted in bad soil then the fruit will be no good. You can pick all the rotten fruit off the tree you want, but it still won’t produce good fruit because the soil is bad.

To get good fruit, the roots need to be accessing good soil, or soil with the nutrients needed to give life to the plant.

Dealing with only the symptoms of your problems (crying at the dishes) will mean you’re running around like a manic gardener pulling bad fruit off the tree, but never actually dealing with bottom line: that a tree without access to good soil will never thrive.

What this means practically is finding ways to cope in the “now” as you work to meet the deeper needs that are keeping you in survival mode.

In a few short years I’d given up many of the ways I used to cope and relax because I simply didn’t prioritize them. I didn’t know that dropping a few of my previous habits would actually put my mental health in jeopardy.

After all, I was just busy taking care of my family.

I decided to stop wasting my time putting fallen apples back on a tipped cart. Instead, I dug deep trying to figure out how to strengthen my muscles and turn the cart upright again.

Related Reads:

  • The Key To Being A Calm Mom, No Matter How You Feel
  • Why Am I An Angry Mom? 5 Anger Triggers & How To Manage Them

4. Am I Giving Myself Time and Space to Heal? 

Part of getting out of survival mode means having time to yourself. So many things go by the wayside when you’re focusing on keeping your kids, your house, your relationships or your career afloat.

When you’re so busy trying to do one thing you often let other things go, even things high up on your priority list.

If you are in financial trouble and are battling to just pay the mortgage so the house doesn’t get foreclosed, you’ll become stressed and relationships and friendships may suffer.

All your emotional and mental energy will go into fixing this problem and the stress will start to consume you. When stress begins to consume us we stop sleeping. But sleep is the #1 way to reduce stress.

Taking time away while we’re trying to sort things out is vital.

What matters is that you prioritize and make happen some time to be alone and get cracking on a plan to tip back the cart and re-stack the apples.

Practical Coping Strategies for Survival Mode

Pregnancy

  • Whatever it costs you, get as much rest as possible. Lack of sleep increases stress exponentially.
  • Adjust your expectations. Pregnancy is a season of life that will not last forever so banish the mommy guilt and just do what you must to get by.
  • Lock yourself and the kids in a safe room. Yes, I said that. Take the kids into a room with toys and lay down while they play. This means you aren’t chasing anyone around the house and you can rest your weary body.
  • Ask, trade, or beg for help. Even a few hours to lay down and nap during the day will make a big difference. Ask older ladies in your church for help, you’ll be surprised how willing they are to lend a hand. If you can, hire a mother’s helper.
pregnant mom

General Mom Weariness

  • Learn to take better care of yourself. This isn’t selfish, it’s sane. I’ve created a whole self-care guide to help moms get back on track that you can check out here.
  • Slow down your life. This may mean cancelling kids’ activities or finding someone else to chauffeur. Take yourself out of commitments, responsibilities outside the home, and false standards you’ve put on yourself to “be involved” in everything. Limit activities per week vigilantly and just stay at home.
  • Do my free weary mom devotional which will help lighten your load and allow you some breathing space to figure a few things out.
  • Take a 48 hour mommy vacation if you’re able. It doesn’t have to cost a lot.
  • Read this NYT bestselling book called Say Goodbye To Survival Mode and put it into practice. You won’t be sorry.
woman with white striped shirt with hands on face in survival mode

Relationship Stresses and Struggles

  • Find a few trusted confidantes that are trustworthy and godly and share your heart with them.
  • Get counseling for hurts you’re hanging onto that it’s time to shed. There will be a wide range of options from people in your church to professionals, but getting an outside perspective can help you move forward.
  • Read Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and be amazed at what a difference it makes with friendships, family, and your marriage.
  • Do my Overcoming Overwhelm Guide which will help you focus on a few key areas that are bringing you down so you can go forward in freedom.
mom pray praying

Homemaking Issues

  • Take my free Home & Life Systems email course to help you get a better handle on some key areas that are causing the most stress.
  • Toss, organize, and downsize ruthlessly if clutter and mess is a problem. Consider reading the wildly popular The Life Changing Magic Of Tidying Up.
  • Do a house walk and let some easy quick wins help you to feel a bit more in control and on top of home issues.
  • Lower your expectations and develop realistic ones about what your home will look like during this season.
  • Hire out if possible. Get a mother’s helper, nanny, cleaner, or laundry helper. Know that this money will be well spent.

Some situations can seem impossible to get out of, and perhaps for the moment they may be.

However, with some clear thinking, a plan for support, and hope for your apple cart, you can move in the right direction.

Sometimes surviving the day is our Big Goal, and that’s okay.

For a time. 

But if that day turns into a week then into a month then a year… your mental and emotional health will seriously suffer.

::

If you are stressed, overwhelmed, or drained… you aren’t alone.

After hearing from thousands of mothers, I’ve narrowed down the Top 5 Biggest Stressors For Moms. Sign up below and I’ll send my FREE series straight to your inbox!

Click here and learn breakthrough strategies that’ll help you feel peace immediately.

End Mom Stress. Live in peace, not overwhelm

Rachel

New to this community? Start here, friend.

899shares

Filed Under: Mental & Emotional Wholeness, Mom Life7

« Boundaries, Family Rules, & Strong-Willed Children… Oh My!
When Your Little Kids Say Bad Words – Don’t Freak Out – Do This Instead »

Recommended For You From Our Shop

The Everyday Mom Super Bundle

Want a harmonious home where the kids follow your lead, emotions are under control (theirs and yours), everyone is sleeping well, and your family culture makes everyone feel loved and secure?... Grab my Everyday Mom Super Bundle which has nearly ALL my shop printables in ONE place at a fraction of the price!

Click to Learn More!

I'm Rachel, mother of 5 young kids living in the Florida panhandle with my Australian husband. I write about family culture, family rhythms and routines, and boundaries in motherhood and life. You can see snippets of my daily life here and visit my shop for baby sleep, organizing, and routine help.

“Inside my brain”

Geeezzz, it was like you were inside my brain today!  (and most days recently)  I needed this badly.

Thank you!!!
Andrea P.

“Nothing was working…”

I just wanted to say thank you for your easy peasy routine for 2 year olds! I day-weaned my 2 year old a month ago and have been trying everything to get him to go down for a nap without the nursing. Nothing was working and I was starting to think he would never have a nap again.

Anyways I started following your routine and we just sat in bed and had what I told him was “quiet time.” We sat and read and made a fort and had warm milk. Then today I told him it was quiet time again and he tried to escape the bed a couple times, but in the end he snuggled up after the warm bottle and fell asleep for 3 hours! I was almost in tears I was so excited! So thank you!

Meghan

“Thanks for your bundle!”

Thanks for for doing this Everyday Mom Super Bundle sale. I’m four months into my parenthood journey with a sweet and spirited boy.

I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated just yesterday, thinking if only I had the right resources and “trail guides” I could figure this all out. Your sale is serendipitous. I can’t wait to dig into my download materials and start learning from your tips.

Thanks for sharing your knowledge!

Lauren N.

“It’s a breath of fresh air”

I just wanted to let you know that your blog and emails have been a tremendous help to me. Your practical, honest, and humble writing is a breath of fresh air!

With help and encouragement drawn from your writing, I have made some incredible changes in the order (and sanity) of our home, in just the past few weeks. My kids are doing chores daily, and I also have clearer expectations of myself.

My husband is in awe!

Which helps reinforce what you said- the problem wasn’t me; it was my systems. Our home is in much better order, and so is my mind. So, thank you!!!! You have made a difference for me and my family.

Ann S.

“We are slowly getting back to normal…”

I stumbled upon your blog one morning after praying night after night for God to fix my home! I had just had a baby this May 1st and also have a 2 and 4 year old and my home broke out in complete chaos!

Even my marriage seemed like it was on the brink of extinction and this had happened in 2 weeks! I read numerous amounts of your entries and applied them to my home life and I am happy to say we are slowly getting back to normal. Thank you Rachel! 

Madison S.

“You’ve been a life saver!”

I’m a first time mom to a 15 day old baby girl. I had no idea what I was doing and couldn’t get her to sleep in her crib until I found your blog.

You’ve been a life saver!

Candace R.

“Within a week or two our little girl changed!”

I tumbled into post partum depression/anxiety and didn’t know what to do anymore. I was a mess, baby girl was a mess and I don’t even know how my husband was dealing with it all… 

I googled everything I could think about but there was never really something that felt right, that felt genuine instead of just telling do’s and don’ts. 

And then I found your website and read your pieces about sleeping and eating. I carefully read through your schedules and decided to try it.

IT WORKED!! 

And within a week or two our little girl changed from a frustrated baby into this happy dappy smiling ray of sunshine, that is able to settle herself down by sucking on her fists, even in the middle of the night. At 12 weeks baby girl slept through the night and now at 20 weeks old she sleeps a good 10 to 12 hours every night. 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience online. The way you wrote your experiences made it understandable, seeing it from the babys side but also the moms side. Maybe we were lucky that your way fitted our baby, but it worked and I tell it to everyone that wants to know!

Stephanie P.

“Had tremendous success from Day One!”

I just wanted to thank you for your sample routine.  I’ve been using it for a week with my 13 month old and had tremendous success from day 2! Wind down time is so important and so is consistency.  Thank you so much!!!

Sam M.

“In a few short days…”

I am grateful to have found your blog, as I do a great deal of searching on Pinterest when I am up against a parenting moment that I do not feel qualified to handle.

I will say though that since reading your blog I am really focusing on remembering that every moment is a learning \ experience for my son and I try to take a breath and count to ten. In the few short days that I have been exercising this method I truly have noticed a change for the better in his response to me.

Tami K.

Comments

  1. Andrea Laughery says

    Great post (although, I love all your posts)! I agree that staying (or getting) organized can alleviate a lot of stress on an otherwise chaotic situation. It makes you feel as though you do have some small control over something happening to you.

    Reply
    • Rachel says

      Andrea, I think that’s such a good point about the organization. When we are in ‘survival mode’ it does feel that everything is out of control so being able to do anything that gives us some level of feeling on top of it again certainly helps. Good insight!

      Reply
  2. donna says

    hi i am a 36 year old had alot happen in my life i just was well two weeks ago then out of touch with my body it feels so bad i have a partner and my family and friends but right now i feel so exosted and no sleep for hours no meds just shear will power but sometimes i feel like am going mad so unset as i dont want to be in this worrie mode any more i feel like in a fog but here please help me thank you

    Reply
    • Rachel Norman says

      Donna, I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Do you have anyone you can talk to? I think you most definitely need some support right now!

      Reply
  3. John says

    I want to help my wife and your marriage to surrive. She is in survial mode and i want to help her.

    Reply
  4. Joey Tracy says

    Thanks for sharing this post! I think it’s so important to balance our busy lives by weeding out unnecessary things and really focusing on the items that move us toward our big picture goals. Great blog!

    Reply
  5. Danielle says

    I haven’t read the full article yet but I typed in survival mode and came across just a snippet of your article and it was spot on. I am certainly in survival mode right now. It’s rough. I’ll read the article in its entirety in just a bit. I’m sitting in my car to clear my mind. But thank you in advance for publishing this. It’s let’s many mothers know we aren’t alone.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Hey y'all, I'm Rachel Norman, BA, MS, Language of Listening® parenting coach, mother to 5 babies in 5 years on 3 continents, no multiples. Join me in parenting without losing your mind. Read More >>

Search

Copyright © 2021 All Rights Reserved | A Mother Far From Home | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Accessibility














15 Minute Projects To Get Your Home In Order

In just 15 minutes a night (while you're in your pj's!) take your home from stressed out to organized with these 101+ 15 minute projects. 


envelope
envelope
close
x
close

Download, print, and become a more peaceful, less stressed mom!

envelope
x













A Devotional for the Weary Mom...

- A verse that'll speak to your frazzled heart

​

- Truths that will calm your stress like balm to a sunburn

​

- A prayer that'll help center you for the day ahead

envelope
envelope
close
x

Home Systems that Make For Smooth, Organized Days

  • Easy "quick win" systems
  • Tidy routines that keep the home "company ready"
  • Simple daily habits that keep the chaos and mess at bay
x