Donât make yourself miserable by being a martyr mom. If youâre feeling this way, you may be doing one of these things:
Modern moms are miserable because we have moved into an alternate reality.
Letâs talk about some modern things that we have absorbed into our parenting and lifestyles that are making us miserable.
We are connected more than ever.
Nowadays, we are daily connected to everyone on the planet. In times past we were connected to:
- our neighbors,
- people around us, or
- what we read in the newspaper.
Now in our hand, we can look and easily seeâŚ
- âThat one woman that I donât really know but she has really cute shoes. She is on a cruise with her kids⌠Iâve never taken my kids on a cruise.â
- âThat one lady I follow from a different country. I donât know her but I love her decorating style. She just did her bathroom for under $2,000. Our bathroom is so ugly.â
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Weâre just so connected to everyone that weâre either always comparing ourselves to someone or fighting not to.
Even if we donât care to compare, we still have it all these examples of âthe good lifeâ in our face.
Then we look at our own life. Where we have to cook, and clean, and everyone needs us.
We think a good connection with our kids means they wonât do wrong.
Now, donât send me hate mail. But, we think that all we have to do is have a great connection with our kids and they will do no wrong.
Do we need to spend time with them? Of course! Do we need to be connected to them? Yes!
Does this mean that they will always act right?
NO!
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Learn MoreSometimes our kids just act naughty because they wanted to. Kids are going to fight and misbehave sometimes. Itâs just part of it.
Now did this happen because you didnât play LEGOS with them for ten unites before this started? No.
Weâre wanting to be so positive and focused on connection that weâve actually started to blame ourselves for their childlike behavior.
If I didnât really look them in the eye and listen to their twelve minute monologue about Pokemon, then that is the reason why they went to school and cheated. No it aâint!
They just did it because they donât have all the skills to make great life decisions yet. Because they are human.
Momâs think: All kids are born perfect and all my failings is what ruins them. We believe that if we are perfect than our kids will do no wrong.
This leads me to my next pointâŚ
We think being permissive is being positive.
This is probably an unpopular opinion. But, I need someone to agree with me.
We donât phrase it like this, but our actions show that we think being permissive is positive.
This could be because the pendulum has swung. Some parenting things from the past were âreal badâ so we swing our ideas way over to the other side.
We wouldnât admit that this is happening but we may say:
- âIâm going to give you a seventeenth chance to make a good choice right now. If you donât then Iâm going to have a very disappointed look on my face while I hand you your tablet and let you play for three hours.â
We have become super permissive because we think that keeping a boundary is mean. Unfortunately, we think that if we actually have to respond to a behavior then we are doing them wrong.
Oh no, my child just ran out into the street and said a bad word. They hit someone, or whatever. But I donât want to have to deal with this. So what will be better for them if tomorrow we go spend some special time together at the park and Iâll get them some ice cream. Then they wonât act up⌠hmmmâŚ
Weâve abandoned natural law.
The sun rises. The sun sets. Our bodies, soul, and mind need certain things.
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so longâin an effort to be a selfless motherâleaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreWe have decided that we can do whatever we âdecide to doâ, even if itâs not good for out bodies.
Momâs have just decided that certain amounts of sleep donât matter, etc. But what happens is that weâre actually over taxing ourselves. This causes us to be come dis-eased or even diseased.
- adrenal issues
- thyroid issues
- hormonal issues
- other stress-related disorders
We become so stressed because we have forgotten that not everything is mind over matter. We have limits.
When we ignore out bodies to do whatever we think we need to do, we are hurting ourselves. This isnât how it works. We are- spirit, soul, and body.
If we abandon any of them, much less two or all of them⌠we become miserable.
We do things we donât want to do and then blame other people.
When we do this, itâs called boundary bending. If you get to place where youâre like âok, Iâll do itâ because youâve been pressured, you get mad. Youâre resentful and eventually blame them for being miserable.
But, youâre the one that bent the boundary.
Momâs are:
- doing all kindâs of things that donât make sense for them
- keeping crazy scheduled they donât like
- having a hard time saying ânoâ
Doing these things anyway make a mom miserable, mad, and resentful.
We may blame other people for our unhappiness when this happens. For example, you may blame your husband because he âdoesnât like your crazy ideas.â
Do this:
- Get a notebook (or an app).
- Start to think about the things you donât like to do.
- Make a list for your recognition.
- Did you give in to your kids demands?
- Did you agree to go somewhere you didnât want to go?
- How often do you go against your God given instinct.
Job says it like this: âWho gives intuition to the heart and instinct to the mind?â If youâre going against this, youâre going to be miserable. Trust yourself a little bit and know the kids are going to be ok.
You canât spend all day doing things you donât want to do and going against what you need and be happy. It is going to make you miserable.
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so longâin an effort to be a selfless motherâleaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreWe repress our feelings until we feel the need to escape.
âIâm stressed but Iâm not going to feel that.â
âIâm annoyed at that but Iâm not going to feel that.â
AhhhhhhâŚ..
What we do is begin to feel angry at ourselves for feeling upset or annoyed. When in reality, you should be annoyed that your child just interrupted you for the 79th time.
- Some moms fall into the trap of believing that if they were just a more gentle parent, their kids would behave better. In reality, children will be children. They make bad choices and just do them sometimes.
If we are always trying to repress what weâre feeling about everything, then eventually we stop being able to understand how weâre actually feeling. Then, we find ourself in a place where we are out of touch with what we like or even need.
We are literally going through our days â stuffing everything down.
I talk about this a lot in my book. Itâs called the emotional basement. What we do is stuff and we stuff until we explode. Then we yell and feel guilty about it.
The reason weâre repressed is because we donât think weâre allowed to feel all these things. We think weâre supposed to martyr ourselves for everybody in order for them to be ok.
Bonus: We think that in order to keep the kids âokâ we have to do all their wants and whims. If it goes against what what Iâm feeling or wanting then I need to completely ignore myself.
Well, Iâm gong to give you a spoiler alert- this isnât going to make kids more adjusted. Itâs going to make them entitled and selfish.
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Donât spend your whole life erasing yourself to do whatever they want. I know this opinion is unpopular but Iâm on everyoneâs side here, and itâs the truth.
When momâs happy and at peace, everyone else has a better chance of being at peace as well.
I think this is very important especially in the parenting / mom world. You need to make sure you are caring for yourself and understanding that no matter what kids do, you are not a bad parent. You are doing all you can to give this child the best life possible and grow up to be as successful as possible, but keep in mind too, that being successful also takes some failures and doing things wrong to figure out how to do things right! Keep going mommas!
Thank you Rachel! My boundaries have gone out the door this summer.
You and all the rest of us, ha!
What a breath of fresh air! I really needed to read this!!!
I really needed to read this because all I do is try to be calm but then I eventually yell and I hate it. I really love my kids and want to be a great mom for them