Deep Thoughts – Balancing Consequences and Grace with Your Kids

Life is about balance and parenting is no exception. Here is how to balance consequences with sowing grace to your kids when it comes to unwanted behaviors and making rules.

---

As a pastor’s wife I often get asked… how do you parent with grace but also make sure your kids aren’t running wild.

I’m glad you asked.

When is it best to show grace?

We want to be sure that we aren’t practice permissive parenting. This is where we allow them to do whatever they want because we’re nervous to discipline. Believe me, this isn’t the way…

However, I do recognize that there are situations where grace should reign over their mishaps. I mean, we’re all just human.

So… it’s good to balance consequences with a bit of grace.

That being said, there are opportunities that showing grace benefits our kids. In reality, it can benefit us as well. We don’t always want to come down hard on our kids… and it isn’t always best (although sometimes it is).

Here are some circumstances where you can balance consequences with showing grace:

• When it’s been a particularly long day for everyone and we’re tired.
• If someone isn’t feeling well.
• If there’s been trauma or circumstances that emotions may be high.
• When there are lots of people involved and you need some time to work out what actually happened with your kids.

Is this a recurring behavior?

When there’s a behavior that you want to crack down on, but aren’t sure if grace is better- ask yourself if it’s a recurring behavior.

A recurring behavior is a behavior that you have addressed (given expectations, etc.) but kids are not changing.

It….just…keeps…happening.

You really want to scream and come down hard. But then you feel bad… so you don’t do anything. Obviously, this isn’t the best method for solving it. If you do this, you’ll be guilt ridden and your kids will just continue the behavior.

If the unwanted behavior is happening after you’ve given explicit instructions, it’s time to forget grace and make sure that your rules have been followed.

In short, it’s time to discipline.

Set up a consistent rule with stipulations to balance consequences.

The goal of parenting is to raise compassionate, independent, self-sufficient, and productive adults. Right?

So… what are we telling them when we allow their undesired behavior (or lack of following directions) to continue under the shadow of grace without stipulations? Well, we’re allowing them to rely on us and avoid responsibilities.

Set up some rules w/stipulations:

• I told you to to make your bed in the morning. You struggled with following through with this, so here’s the stipulation. If you make your bed M-F on your own, I’ll make them for you Sat & Sun. If you don’t make your bed M-F, you miss your Friday afternoon treat… and you still have to make it Sat & Sun.

• I asked you to clean the toys off your bedroom floor. You have struggled with this, so it’s your responsibility to be sure your floor is clean each day after school. If it’s clean by dinnertime each day, you don’t have to worry with it on the weekend. Instead, you can play and have free time. If you don’t clean them, you’ll get to deep clean on the weekends.

• It’s a family rule to clean up after yourself at dinnertime. For the last few meals I have had to come behind you and clean up your dishes. If you will remember to clean up your plate after each meal, I will allow you to have a special treat on Saturday afternoon. If I have to clean up after you, you can spend your Saturday helping me clean the kitchen.

Use natural consequences to emphasize grace.

People learn the best by making mistakes. Kids learn the best by making mistakes. It’s so hard sometimes to let our kids do this…

However, experiencing natural consequences for not following directions are very effective. Hard, but effective.

We don’t want to be those umbrella moms that never let their kids experience hurt, loss, or aggravation. I mean, we don’t want them to go through these things… obviously. But, we want them to be mature and grow through their mistakes.

So, when there are obvious natural consequences that kids can experience from their mistakes- let them!

• They are supposed to put their homework folder into their backpack each day after dinner. You’ve told them several times and reminded them. If they don’t have their materials the next day… it’s a natural consequence that they get to learn the hard way.

• You have asked them to be sure their LEGOS are off the hallway floor after playing with them. There is a box and a shelf that you have provided. They continually leave them there and dad steps on them… LEGOS go into the trash. It’s hard but it’s a mistake they won’t make again.