It’s no secret, it isn’t easy getting kids to listen. They will throw meltdowns, tantrums, ignore you, or just not obey. What do you do? Let’s dig in! This post from my friend Brittany at Equipping Godly Women will show you how.
Your day has barely even started, and you’re already about to lose it.
You’ve tried to pry your oldest out of bed three or four times now, but every time you go in, he flat out ignores you and rolls over.
Your middle child is out of bed, but every time you turn around, you find him playing with his Lego set instead of getting dressed like he’s supposed to.
And your youngest child has actually made it down to the kitchen table (by some miracle), but is now playing with his cereal (and making a huge mess) even though you’ve told him to stop and he’s old enough to know better.
You’ve taken a deep breath, you’ve counted to ten, you’ve used pretty much every trick you can think of to handle anger towards your child, and yet, it’s not working.
You can’t keep telling your children what to do, only for them to flat out ignore you or wait until have a major melt-down.
Surely, there has to be a better way!
What's in this post...
Thankfully there is.
First, let me assure you: If you struggle with getting your kids to listen the first time, you are not a failure as a mom, and you are not alone!
Getting kids to listen the first time is an extremely common parenting struggle that pretty much all moms deal with at some point or another. It’s just a matter of when and to what severity. But we all deal with it.
Read: Toddler Behavior Stressing You Out? Reset With These Simple Tips
The #1 reason you have a hard time getting your kids to listen…
You aren’t giving the right consequences quickly and consistently enough.
Now, don’t feel bad. We ALL do it. Even me. And I actually wrote a book called Teach Your Children How to Behave!
(Sound like your kind of book? Be sure to scroll all the way to the end for an exclusive coupon code!)
The good news is, once you know the problem, it’s way easier to fix it.
There are actually three parts to this, so let me break it down just a bit.
Does A Smart Child + Boredom = Naughty Behavior?
1. The right consequences for not obeying
Every action has a consequence, but are your consequences enough? Take your oldest child for example – the one who won’t get out of bed.
What happens when your child won’t get out of bed? …
Nothing. Sure, listening to you yell might be annoying, but it’s not much of a consequence and it just might be “worth it” for him compared to having to actually get up and get ready.
Read: 30+ Consequences For Negative Behavior
So, how do you fix this negative behavior?
You determine a good consequence – one that will motivate him to listen the first time.
Then, you stop nagging and let the natural consequences run their course.
For example, if your son doesn’t get up for school on time…
- He won’t have time to get dressed. He’ll have to go to school in his pajamas (or, if that would be inappropriate, in the highly embarrassing change of clothes you have stashed in the car).
- He won’t have time to eat breakfast. He’ll be hungry all morning until lunch.
- He’ll be late to school. He won’t have any time to hang out with his friends in the morning and he’ll have to explain to his teacher why he was late.
Find the right consequence and you’ll only have to do it once. It will do the trick.
Read: The No-Nagging Morning Routine For School (With Printables)
2. When your child doesn’t listen you need a fairly quick consequence
Now let’s consider your middle child – the one you have to tell to get ready again and again because he’s not listening.
It might seem like he’s letting all your words go in one ear and out the other, but the truth is that he’s smart.
He knows that when you tell him to do something, you typically don’t follow through right away. It’s only after you’ve told him four times to listen, your voice is raising and he can see that little vein bulge in your forehead that you’re actually going to follow through.
So he plans for this. He ignores you the first four times, and then listens the fifth time, before you get really mad and start handing out consequences.
Read: Siblings Fighting? 6 Simple Ways To Stop The Drama
Want to nip this behavior in the bud? Give consequences sooner.
Don’t give your children to the count of three before you follow through (or, if you must count, count really fast). Tell them very plainly ONE time, give them a time limit, and maybe one warning or reminder, depending on their ages. Then follow through.
Again, you only have to do this a time or two before your children catch on that you mean business, especially if your consequence is a good one.
Read: How to keep your eye on the prize (and how a rest is not a resignation)
3. Consistent consequences work best for children
Now, let’s consider your youngest child – the one playing with his cereal and making a big mess. What consequences does he have for his actions?
Well, sometimes you tell him to stop. Sometimes you take his cereal bowl away. But sometimes you simply ignore it.
You have enough going on in the mornings and sometimes you’re too tired to deal with it. Besides, it’s easier to just let it go and clean it up later.
Unfortunately, this inconsistency leaves your child unsure of what to expect. Sometimes he gets away with it; sometimes he doesn’t. He truly doesn’t know which it will be today, so he might as well try it and find out, right?
Consistency really matters or you’re teaching kids not to do what you say
This is why consistency in discipline is SO important. Without it, you’re basically teaching your children not to listen to you because there’s a chance you might not even follow through. And no one wants that.
So, how do you get your children to listen to you the first time? You find the right consequences, and you hand them out quickly and consistently.
Sure, it won’t always be easy. Your kids will test your limits, and they’ll change and grown and need new and improved consequences. But stick with it. It really does work.
FAQs on Getting Kids to Listen
If a child doesn’t listen, he or she has been able to get away with what they want to do without consequences. To fix this, assign appropriate consequences for the disobedience. Then, be sure to respond quickly and consistently when this behavior is present.
In order to assist listening skills and earn respect, you must be consistent with your directions AND consequences for disobedience. When you are inconsistent, you are teaching your kids not to listen. Remember to act quickly and fairly to any disrespect.
Unsureness of what to expect when being disobedient will breed disrespect within a child. This lack of consistency could be an inconsistent consequence OR a consequence that has been given too late. Children need quick and consistent consequences to be respectful.
A stubborn child may have been given too much lee-way at the early stages of development and/or a lack of consistency when they disobey has caused them to reject rules. He or she is probably very intelligent and has figured out just how far you will go and what you won’t stay consistent with.
By the way – could you use some help finding and implementing effective consequences with your kids?
If so, then be sure to check out my book, TEACH Your Children How to Behave. Down to earth, encouraging and practical, it will walk you step-by-step through my exact strategy for doing just that!
Well this is a kick in the pants. I am totally the mom that sometimes yells, sometimes follows through with consequences and sometimes ignores a behavior hoping it will go away :P
Thanks for the reminder to be swift, confident and consistent.
Jess, you are not alone it was a kick in my own pants :)
Thanks for this. Can you give examples or maybe do a post on age appropriate consequences that you’ve used or heard of? I used to be really consistent with taking away a toy from my 4 year old (he had to earn it back) but found he didn’t care enough to prevent future occurrences of the behavior. Now I’m doing clasp your hands and sit in a chair till you have self control but I’d love something effective for general not doing what I ask the first time I ask it.
Yes, I need to think on this and write up a good big epic post on this. :)
This is such a great reminder! I do have a question that hopefully you have some insight on :) my 3 year old son is naturally strong willed. I struggle a lot with him, but one of my strengths as a mother has always been consistency with him, almost to a fault on my part. I give him a serious consequence, the same consequence for certain behaviors, and in a timely fashion [at most two reminders, but usually only one] and I always always follow through with what I say. Like I said almost to a fault. But he somehow does not get the point that “I mean business”. I’m just curious if this is an age thing [since he’s my oldest] or if there is something I can improve on? Maybe it will take longer for him to get it?
Hannah, I think you just keep doing what you are doing when you know it’s right. 3 year olds are hard, in my opinion, and highly emotional and controlled by impulses. I think keep at it and expect to see fruit as they transition into the 4 year old slightly more mature mentality :)
Hannah do you mind sharing the consequences you use for your son. I too am a parent of a strong-willed child, a 3yr old daughter. I try to be consistent but often times fail but I realize I need to fix this now. Please help. Thanks in advance.
I can’t find the coupon code for the book can you help me ?
Hi Tina, that code expired (oh no!) I’m so sorry I hadn’t edited that out yet. If you sign up to get notifications I’m sure she’ll send notice when it’s on sale.
So simple it makes sense!! Thanks
Please I need consequences for 2 years old. I don’t know if she will understand what am trying to do.
One behavior I can’t figure out how to correct. My 6 yr old is constantly whistling in the house. We have told her repeatedly that is for outside but it doesnt work. Do i make her go outside? We live in Erie ao it’s cold here. Have a code word? I know it’s not a big.deal but it really bugs me and I need to figure out the right appraoch.
I have a 5 yr old boy. He will not listen and I my mother. She watches him while is father and I work. My s.o mother lets him get away with anything. He doesn’t spend a lot of time with her. However my mother is daily. He will talk back laugh and have horrible fits kicking walls throwing things screaming teeth clinching screaming for 30+ mins. We have tried time out, taking things away, no games, no pool time, talking to him yelling at him. He goes to bed at the same time every night he gets up eats everything at the same time.
This is such a good reminder! Something I would add is to work together with your child to come up with appropriate consequences for persistent problem behaviors. This gives them ownership over the problem and the consequences so it won’t become a you vs them thing.
That is excellent advice!