If you’re in the thick of dinner time battles then this is for you. You might also want to read my related helpful phrases posts:
Here’s our basic food routine.
Breakfast: grits, cereal or something random (if we have options they can choose).
Snack: their choice
Lunch: sandwich and fruit (both of which they can choose if we have options)
Snack: their choice
Dinner: whatever I happen to cook (usually two or three separate foods on the plate)
As you can see, I give my children choices where possible. I remember genuine preferences, and will give dill pickles to those who like them and not force feed those who don’t. I’m a caring mom.
While I’m a fan of letting children make appropriate decisions, and a fan of granting deserved freedoms, a mother of 4 (or 3 or 2 or 1…) can’t cater to every opinion and whim of each child.
My preschooler and toddler will love something one day and snub it the next. There’s no rhyme or reason, and if I played short order cook at every meal I’d end up committed. It’s not practical.
And it’s not good for the kids.
Here are 5 dinner time phrases that can help stop battles (when practiced with consistency) that will help make dinner run smoothly and cut back on dinner time battles.
If you have super picky eaters you might want to read Helping Your Child with Extreme Picky Eating or The Picky Eating Solution.
1. “You get what you get and you don’t pitch a fit”
Does this mean your kids can’t have an opinion? No! Does it mean you are force feeding them liver, sauerkraut, and brussel sprouts to prove some point? Obviously not. It simply means that they aren’t allowed to look at their plate and pitch a fit. It’s disrespectful. It’s contagious. And it’s not an appropriate response even if they genuinely dislike the food served.
If your children consistently have contagious meltdowns or throw tantrums at the table, this is a great opportunity to teach them to appropriately release their emotions. It’s not about them pretending they are happy to please you (no way!). But just because they don’t like lasagna doesn’t mean they can cause a scene.
2. “You have two choices: take it or leave it”
I’m not being cute, this is literal. If my children don’t eat their dinner (aside from one bite) I will keep it out and they can have it as their before bed snack. There is no skipping all of dinner then being given yummy yogurt and strawberries before bed. But, before you send me hate mail, get this… more often than not they’ll jump up to the counter and happily finish their dinner plates.
They can eat what’s been lovingly prepared (by yours truly who does take into account what they like and don’t like) or they can leave it. But there’s no option B or dessert without having eaten. Not because I’m mean, but because life doesn’t always offer you a buffet. And my home is a place of reality.
3. “Taste before you waste”
I don’t think it’s a good idea to make them finish their plate. I had a friend who went to a school where the students were forced to finish their entire plate at lunch. She thinks it contributed to her being unable to recognize and stop eating when she’s full. To her, full = empty plate.
Sometimes my kids clean their plate and other times they do not. I’m not interested in serving sizes. I’m interested in them having a teachable and positive attitude that says, “I’ll try one bite and see if I like it!” If they try it and dislike it that’s okay. If there are 3 items on the plate and they try one bite of each and then stop. Fine. But often they will try it and find they like it. That’s our rule: at least one bite.
4. “It ain’t over ’til it’s over”
Part of the reason children don’t eat what’s on their plate is that they want to get down and go play. They think saying they don’t like it means more TV or iPad time.
I tell my kids if they don’t like what’s on their plate and have eaten their one bite, they still have to stay at the table until dinner is over. Dinner is not over because they rejected my macaroni. Dinner is over when everyone (within reason) is finished.
It’s polite. It’s kind. And it’s good for kids to learn to wait.
5. “Thank the cook before you book it”
My husband has a rule that the kids thank me for cooking and then ask him to be excused. I think it’s very polite for the children to thank the person who spent time, energy, and money preparing food for them. It’s a great habit to get into!
Even if my husband has to prompt the kids, hearing them smile at me and say, “Thank you for dinner, mommy” warms the heart.
Even if they gave my food the stink eye.
And acted like they were gagging when they swallowed their one bite.
And still opted to go to bed without a snack so they didn’t have to finish it.
Parenting little ones can be crazy at times, but these proven phrases will teach your kids to listen. And the best part? You can stop repeating yourself!
Learn More::
I love that your family thanks you for cooking. I HATE cooking because my little one eats almost nothing. We’ve tried everything…. and my husband works away on a 6 and 3 schedule, so it’s ruff. I mostly fold and let him each p and j or chicken nuggets. He’s 3 now and its hard to keep him on the 20 food he does like. Your blog is so encouraging !!!
Just keep on going, Amanda! This too well pass. And when he is old enough you can let him make his own breakfast and lunch and then he can’t complain ;)
I’ve also noticed that if my daughter says she’s done after eating just a few bites, that she might eat more as she waits for my husband and I to be done! Dessert (if we have it) is quite motivational for eating more too :)
That’s it! Having them wait for a while instead of letting them down instantly actually gives them more time to feel hungry or think, what the heck, why not eat? Great point!
My 2 y 4m old would throw a fit if I didn’t let her go… and my inner response is so strange even for me- I immediately want to run and hide somewhere I can’t hear that screeming… I contract inside, I feel bad… and because I can’t stand her crying, she knows how to manipulate me. If I try to be firm, my forced patience comes to an end pretty quickly and I find myself screaming at her and just scaring her!! Which makes me feel terrible, empty and just a failure… I often just don’t enjoy being a mom… and that’s sad…
I hate screaming too, I really do. If you google ‘a mother far from home hate screaming’ then you’ll read an entire article about why we hate it!
These are great ideas! I’ve linked to them in this post as a lot of parents were concerned about this very issue! http://www.imperfecthomemaker.com/2015/01/kids-speak-to-adults.html
Thanks so much, MaryEllen!
I love the phrases you offer. I usually approach meals in a similar fashion. I give my kids choices for snacks and lunch if we have a choice, breakfast and dinner are mostly my choice. However, one of the things that I have found that helps my kids eat their food is helping me prepare it. Even if it’s just stirring the bowl or pushing the lever on the toaster… Their investment makes them more interested. Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Stephanie, that’s a great point and I’m glad you put it in the comments. Come to think of it, my kids have NEVER helped prepare or fix something and not eaten a good bit of it. That’s a great idea when you are cooking something you know may not be a ‘fave.’
Thanks for these tips. I have three boys and my older two (7 & 5) are extremely picky. I unfortunately, with the addtion of each child, I gave into feeding the older ones their preferences, so most nights
I am a short order cook. I hate it! My oldest is especially picky and his antics (vomiting and gaging if he tastes food that he thinks he doesn’t like) wore me down. My husband and I have tried many things to get the boys back on track (because they used to eat a wonderful variety of foods), but maintaining consistency is our biggest hurdle. I have resorted to hiding veggies in food for my oldest because he just won’t budge and I am concerned about him getting proper nutrients from the food he eats.
I plan to work a little harder so that dinner time won’t be such a dreaded part of my day. Thanks again for the great advice!
Tamyko, you are SO NOT ALONE int he tendency to just get them to eat so it can not be a fight. I hope that after a bit of consistency, as you said, it’ll even out. Good luck, mama!!!!
Hi Tamyko! I know this is probably an old post, but for anyone else who’s reading it—just let them go hungry. When they’re hungry enough, they’ll eat (any- and everything). Maybe this is a bit harsh, and kind of hard, but it’s a quick and easy way to solve the pickiness problem, and SO much better for them (and you) in the long run. I distinctly remember our picky-eater cousin coming over to stay with us for the weekend when I was a little girl (he refused to eat anything but McDonalds cheeseburgers—literally) and my dad just refused to take him to McDonalds. By the end of the weekend (honestly, by the middle of the weekend—he was VERY hungry but also TOTALLY fine!) he was eating anything my dad put in front of him. His mom was amazed. (And then went right back to buying him McDonalds lol—he is a wonderful and successful grown-up man now, but has commented several times that he wishes he’d learned to cook when he was younger, and hadn’t been allowed to avoid so much food. It really impacted his options and ability to be independent when he left home and had to fend for himself). I think he was probably about five or six years old at the time. It made such an impression on me that I tucked it in my ‘future parenting’ skill set :) I know it’s super hard to do (especially with the younger ones—I obviously wouldn’t recommend this tactic on a baby) but it works. I had an underweight baby and was for a long time somewhat obsessed with her growth chart and scared that she wasn’t eating ‘enough,’ but now that she’s two and is at a very normal weight I’ve calmed down and she’s started eating pretty much anything, because she knows that’s all she’s getting. Who knew that food would be such a battlefield, right?? Best of luck to you (and I hope this all worked itself out!)
When did you start #4? We are trying everything we can think of with our 20 month old. He has NEVER been a big eater and always preferred more small meals. He is also a very busy, strong-willed boy. If he is truly hungry he will sit and eat for 15-20 min. Otherwise, he eats for 5-10 min and is done. He will take no more bites and if he isn’t let down from the table he will throw a tantrum and try to climb out or tip his chair over to get out. We’ve let him down for safety reasons knowing we are installing bad habits. I’ve recently found that in those times I can play music for him and he will remain at the table happily. I know this isn’t the best solution since it isn’t always an option (ex: outside of our house) so I am looking for any other ideas.
Jacky, I start #4 as soon as they are eating dinner at the same time that the rest of the family is. Having said that, you’re not doing anything wrong you just have to keep at it. That’s fine to play some music for him or even give him a book or a small toy. I think that’s okay. The goal is to keep him there a little longer (even if it’s just 5 minutes instead of another 10, etc.) until he can handle it. Baby steps are great!!
Love, love, love these! I’m trying to print them so I can post them in my kitchen/dinning room area but the resolution is quite low on the images. Are there higher resolution images anywhere? Thanks!
Oh I made them on canva so the images are small for social media. Sorry they aren’t in good resolution :( I’d increase them if I had any design skills, but I’m fairly hopeless!
Great list! We use many of these. Our variation of your “one bite” rule is they must try one bite of everything on their plate, and finish one thing. I am not a big fan of forcing them to finish everything on their plate.They love that they get to choose the thing they finish (most meals in our house are a veggie, fruit, the main dish). They don’t even fight it, they know the rule and follow it. I need to enforce the staying at the table rule, but mainly to my husband! Many nights I am finally sitting down to eat (what’s the say, mom’s never eat a hot meal?!) and he is practically finished, then he gets up and leaves me to eat with the children! If our children refuse to finish their meal, or will only eat a few bite (especially breakfast) they are only allowed fruits or veggies for their in between meal snack.
So true that sometimes we don’t even get to eat a hot meal. I like that one bite of all, finish one thing rule.. glad you commented here! :)
I love these! Any ideas for creative consequences when they do throw a fit about the food you’re serving? Nothing I’ve tried has made my almost 6 year old stop.
Hmmm… I’ll be honest. I STINK at creative consequences. If I think of any besides the regular loss of privilege or time out type of things I’ll add them here!
We have a problem that our 4 year old takes over an hour to eat. We have started timing her. She loves to talk, so she doesn’t eat. She has gotten used to the fact that she can’t get down when SHE is finished. Other than that we do everything you have above. Thanks for the boost of confidence that I may be doing something right. :)
Sherri, wow do ya’ll all stay at the table with her? Does she speed up even if everyone else is finished? Bless her, how sweet!!! At least she won’t get indigestion!
I have a very picky 4 year old and I’ve tried all of these things with zero headway. The try one bite rule usually ends with him puking on his plate and me yelling in the kitchen that, “I HATE cooking for my family!” Last time it was a piece of chicken pot pie crust with a little gravy on it. Seriously? It’s incredibly frustrating and I find myself not planning dinner because I know he won’t eat what I make. He has always been a lazy eater (from birth) and will easily sit at the table long after everyone is finished and everything is cleared away still refusing to try one bite. Dessert is not a motivator for him either. It’s just so draining and difficult. It doesn’t help that I get “advice” from an “all natural, eat weird pickled things” woman I know about how he’s only picky because he eats too much processed sugar and gluten. Gag. She wouldn’t stand a chance against the will power of my 4 year old! I just need some help.
Emmy, I know this sounds harsh but have you done the sort of ‘detox’ where you just give him something and give him no other optino at all for as many meals as it takes? Sounds drastic and is obviously not for everyone, but I have heard of mothers doing it and saying the kids may go 24 hours with no food but then are a lot less picky. Not sure if I’d do this, but if all else fails? Also, know that it will pass someday…! Even if it’s just until he’s big enough to make his own food ;)
Thanks. I have heard of this and just haven’t had the energy (I’m pregnant, which just adds to the emotions) to try it. But I think we may have to. He just spent 20 mins at the cleared table alone watching his sister play because he just took that long to eat some strawberries (something he actually likes). Arg! I keep reminding myself that as he gets older things will change and someday he may turn out to be a total foodie. :) The toddler/preschool season is really hard sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement.
On a funny (maybe) note, we are in the process of moving to Africa (won’t that make for some fun mealtimes) and I had a dream the other night that I was called to a meeting with the school nurse and his kindergarten teacher who were concerned because he was showing the signs of lethargy and lack of focus they see from kids in the rural schools who aren’t getting enough to eat. My response was that if they had suggestions, I would love to hear them. Then I woke up. This is obviously on my mind a lot. Ha!
Ha what a funny dream and how awesome about moving to Africa!
Great advice …
Unless you live in Seattle.
They’ll fine you for throwing away food.
Nanny state!
Really? Ha
I found that having my 4 yr old daughter grocery shop w/ me & pick her own healthy food from the produce section helps. She also loves helping to prepare her selections.
Lisa, that’s GREAT advice and am glad you commented. Mine are like that too, if they help it’s so much better. I can’t wait until we actually start gardening this year. I’m hoping they’ll start loving veggies more ;)
I like this, especially when kids decide they HATE a previously loved food completely out of nowhere. . . I have 5 boys. I was raised old school, you ate what was made without complaint or you went hungry. There was no wasting of food. So now, my kids get the same option I did – eat or go hungry. Then get the left overs for tomorrow’s lunch! They always eat their food and if something isn’t liked then it gets shelved for a few months (we always retry recipes, taste buds change and attitudes >.<).
Also to the Seattle comment. They do fine for throwing out compostable food, it's a $1 and only if the entire trash is more than 10% compostable material. And the city provides FREE curbside service for the compostables, so there really isn't a reason to NOT do it. Also, they didn't institute the fines immediately instead they issued "educational tickets" for 7 months so people could adjust their habits. Backyard composters are also exempt from the compost services. They recycle around 56% of all their waste in Seattle, they provide people with the tools to recycle and encourage it in a reasonable way and they STILL send 300,000 tons of trash to landfills each year. That's a huge cost to the city AND the citizens AND the country if you add up all the cities and landfills. What Seattle is doing should be done across the country, the amount of trash we make is ridiculous. This a real solution to a real problem. And people that live in Seattle don't have an issue with it, 74% support it, imagine that. People that have a sense of stewardship of the planet.
I’m so like that, Dillon, eat it or learn what hunger feels like. ;) That’s really interesting about Seattle, too!
I love that these rhyme and I can use them like a mantra while we sit down to dinner. :) Thanks!
We say “you get what you get, and you don’t get upset!”
Good on your for the “take it or leave it” bit! I think kids nowadays just expect to always get what they want. And the “I’m full… Can I have a cookie?” trick has been around for centuries, I’m sure, so I don’t know who these kids think they’re trying to fool.
I really like how your kids thank you for preparing the food. it’s a small gesture, and may not always be sincere, but your kids will look back on it when they’re older and understand/appreciate the lesson you were trying to teach them.
Ha yes mine try that “I’m done with dinner, where’s the ice cream?” business. I suppose they have to test us ;)
Such good advice! #3 is so true. I’ve heard that before, also, about forcing people to finish their plate and not being able to tell when they are full.
A doctor told my mother, “Kids will eat when they are hungry.” As long as you are offering them something (reasonable) to eat, then I am a firm believer in “take it or leave it.” I’ve heard that in France kids eat what the parents do. No special Kids’ Menu at restaurants. It’s easy to have our (my) guilt button pressed on this issue, but then I remember that doctor. Kids will eat when they are hungry!
Elizabeth, YES, I think that too. They’ll eat when hungry so we offer them meals and that’s that. It’s so much eaier when we don’t worry about force feeding portions.
Thanks for the tips! For #1, we say “You get what you get, and you don’t fuss a bit”; it’s interesting to read how many little variations there are on this one.
I have been working especially hard on #1 recently because I got sick of hearing “this looks yucky” all the time. I feel like my 5 and 7 year old should still be allowed to express their opinions, as long as they are polite, so after they have tried the required number of bites, we are working on saying “I didn’t care for that”. But I’d be curious if you have other suggestions for how kids can appropriately express themselves when they didn’t like a food.
And when I am serving a main course that I suspect they won’t like, I try to pair it with a veggie that I know they do like. That way, they’ll still get something healthy to eat, even if they choose not to eat more than a bite of the main dish. And if they don’t like the veggie, I tell them they are always welcome to help themselves to baby carrots from the fridge.
Marcie, oh yes I got tired of the “this is yucky” business too. I taught mine to say, “this isn’t my favorite” Ha. It was off the cuff. But I think “I didn’t care for that” is actualy really good too :)
Thank goodness for you and your refreshing, realistic, results achieving advice! I get so tired of reading articles from people who let their kids make all the decisions, get whatever they want, and basically run things. Allowing kids to always get what they want makes for spoiled, ungrateful, and (as you said) unhealthy kids. When children learn to be grateful and content in every situation, we are all happier (including them). I suppose the same is true of adults.
Thanks again
I am so with you here!
I’m a new subscriber, but I absolutely love the articles and videos I’ve seen! Your advice is very practical and realistic but includes a loving attitude toward raising our children. I have been struggling with making my home run better and your tips are like a ray if light for me!!!! You’re great at what you do!!!!
Oh my goodness, thank you Stephanie :)
I will admit that I’m an incredibly picky eater as an adult, largely because my parents totally catered to my pickiness when I was little. I was the baby of the family and my mom was generally super DONE by the time dinner rolled around (we generally ate pretty late so we could eat as a family with my dad home, he didn’t get home until about 7 so we ate around 7:15), so they just let me whine and made me a peanut butter sandwich (and as soon as I was old enough they made me make it myself) or a grilled cheese just so I’d eat SOMETHING. They tried the steely, this is what’s for dinner take it or leave it, approach a couple times and sent me to bed without dinner but then my dad would be making pancakes at 11:30pm because I was laying in my bed loudly sobbing about how hungry I was. Sigh…it’s frustrating being a picky adult because A) people LOOOOOOOVE to make fun of me for it, and B) old habits die hard. I have to force myself to try new foods, but I have a lot of anxiety about it. I wish they’d cracked down harder about it when I was a kid, but oh well.
My mom was always very big on manners, though, which I very much appreciate: polite sentences to ask for something (not just saying “I want more green beans”, then being told to “say please”: instead we had to make the entire request over again, “Please pass the green beans”, and wouldn’t get it until we did, and then we of course had to say thank you), napkins in laps, elbows off the table, use silverware properly, sit flat on your butt (no sitting on knees), and we had to thank her for dinner, say something we liked about dinner, then ask to be excused, take our dishes to the counter, rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. This was non-negotiable, and I think we’re all better adults for it! My niece and nephew (on my husband’s side) have zero rules during meals and it’s pretty appalling to watch: they eat everything–even things like spaghetti!–with their hands because they can’t be bothered to use silverware (they’re 3 and 4.5), they’ll put their feet on the table and play with their food with their toes (seriously), they throw the food they don’t want on the floor, and a lot of the time they end up eating on the couch in front of the tv because they’ll throw a huge fit if they can’t watch it…it’s embarrassing, and makes me feel like I’m dining with feral children. And forget about going to restaurants! I was a picky kid, but at least I had manners.
Hi Rachel,
I’m a speech language pathologist who specializes in feeding concerns in young children. A lot of your advice is the same advice I give to families, it’s great! The one thing I would caution against is broadly saying that “hungry kids will eat.” Many kids have sensory feeding difficulties that make it a truly miserable experience to eat, and you’d be surprised how far they would push themselves. Forcing children like that to take even one bite could result in serious aversions and flat refusal to eat across the board. It would be like asking someone to look at blood or touch cornstarch when those things give them the willies. Obviously in most cases it’s just run of the mill pickiness, but I would encourage parents to educate themselves on sensory aversions and reactions before jumping to the conclusion that their child is being difficult just because they are a toddler.
Thank you for adding this to the conversation very much! And I didn’t think of that since mine thus far don’t have sensory issues. Glad you stopped by :)
I have a question about this, we for the most part follow the same rules. I love the idea of thanking mommy for food ;) hadn’t thought of that one. Anyway, one problem I have is if my girls don’t eat everything on their plate, they have tried it all, and have eaten a reasonable amount should they still be offered dessert or should they finish what is on their plate in order to get dessert? How do you judge how much is enough to get a treat or bedtime snack, this is a question I’ve struggled with for nearly 6 years! We try to put a reasonable amount of food on their plate.
following. That is my question too. They have to try one bite and then they can get something different or dessert or whatever after dinner?
I’d like an answer to this one too!
My toddler has a time limit on the take it or leave it rule because I will offer her dinner again as a snack before bed and shell refuse again. Then well get to bedtime and shell all of the sudden decide she wants to eat her dinner.
This gave me piece of mind that my husband and I aren’t alone! We have been struggling with getting our 5 year old to even try dinner some nights. He’ll look at it and assume he doesn’t like it. We have been firm in saying “This is dinner. Take it or leave it.” It has led to major meltdowns and early bedtimes. In his moments of hysteria, he says he wants a snack or he’ll be hungry in the middle of the night. However, we let him know it will be on the counter or fridge if he gets hungry. I feel like Iam denying him dinner sometimes, but I am not going to be a short-order cook.
yes, it’s tricky sometimes. Kids will refuse dinner and then be starved for a sweet snack!