Do you have toddlers and preschoolers who won’t seem to stop whining? Here are two things I’ve done that have found great success.
It happened gradually. My sweet 2 year old son turned into a fall apart child at the drop of a hat. Blue fork instead of orange one? Lay head on the table and cry. Wanted 5 veggie sticks instead of 4? Fall down on the ground and whine.
Whine. Whine. Whine. Mommy gets migraine.
I tried empathizing with him.
“I know it’s hard to get one handful of veggie sticks when you want two.”
“I wouldn’t want to share my 536 tractors either, if it were me.”
“Oh, going to bed isn’t very fun, is it?“
Except I couldn’t put my heart into that one because I think going to bed is one of the best parts of a long hard day.
Now, I talk extensively on this blog about how we should let kids tell us how they really feel. How we should not make a habit of brushing things under the rug. How we can ask our kids to have good attitudes without stifling their emotions.
But whining is not talking about feelings. Whining is not something to be encouraged. Whining is, quite simply, not productive. And for me, whining is right up there with screaming. I can’t stand to hear it. Plus, he was even showing aggressive and angry behavior towards all of us.
So, things got so bad with my baby boy, whining, crying, and anger at the slightest thing, that my husband and I were at the end of our rope. I even took him to his pediatrician and asked him to please tell me there was some infection, boil, or other uncomfortable (but transient) malady that could account for his behavior. But no… healthy as a whinnying horse.
So I decided on a two-pronged attack and, after only a few days, things were completely different. The whining nearly stopped. Oh, it comes back when he’s tired or not feeling well, but he reverted back to the sweet boy he really is. Without further ado… here are the two things we did.
1. No screen time at all during the week.
I’m not against screen time or think TV is the devil, but its effects were simply too much to ignore. It didn’t seem to effect my daughter, but my son was not coping with even one hour of TV a day. I repeat, they only watched one hour a day. So that stopped. Now Monday to Friday they have no TV whatsoever except Friday night movie nights. They never play games on the cell phones or tablets as a general rule, so movie night and Saturday morning cartoons are it.
We were worried it would be difficult to nix the TV, but the positive effects outweighed any temporary babysitting benefits it previously afforded us. After only two days his behavior turned around. Less aggression. Less anger. Less melodramatic whining.
I’m not sure if it’s because the TV shows he was watching (all children’s shows) were putting ideas in his head or whether it was simply too overstimulating for him. I can’t speak to the exact reason, but it made a world of difference. Well, that coupled with the second thing I’ve done.
2. We stopped letting him whine.
Sounds silly, but I just refused to let him. When he started to melt down, I said, “Stop whining now. Use words.” He’d start again and, louder than his whines, I’d say, “No whining. Say it or go lay down, calm down, and come back.” Sounds harsh, but I didn’t use a mean voice. I wasn’t angry. I, quite simply, did not allow the whining/crying/fussing.
And you know what? It worked! By saying no to the whining, he’d stop, take a few seconds to calm down and then say his request in his “normal voice.” And I’d honor his request. It was relentless for a day or two and then it just tapered off.
Sure, he’ll still whine on occasion – he’s 3 – but it has drastically reduced and now all it takes is a quick, “No whining, normal voice” for him to take a minute and self-regulate. Even a 3 year old can learn to self-regulate!
I still validate his feelings
Now, before you send me hate mail, I do validate his feelings. If he’s really feeling upset and having a hard time I’ll take him to the side and talk to him. I do not say things like “boys don’t cry.” It’s important he learns that if he doesn’t like his fork he can just go get a new one. There’s no need for a breakdown. I validate his thoughts and feelings by responding appropriately after he’s calmed himself down. Not by giving him whatever he wanted while whining the roof off.
I’m not trying to raise an emotionless man. Of course not! I want him to be free to share what’s going on with him.
But having a total meltdown at the kitchen counter because your grits didn’t cover the entire bottom of your bowl is not sharing your feelings. It’s pitching a fit.
So good. So good. I love it!!
Thanks, Lauren :)
I also cannot stand whining, it drives me mad! I use step two quite often (though maybe not soon enough or consistent enough) and have on occasion reduced tv time (he doesn’t get much as it is) so I’m glad we’re thinking along the same lines! The unnecessary overdramatics are something else haha! My two are 16 months apart :) x x
Kathelle, I think that’s a big point for me and the whining and screaming. There are too many too young so if we let it go it’s all whine all day. Ha.
Wow! Your posts come right on time! I am getting so exhausted with my 3yr. old’s whining, but wasn’t exactly sure what to do about it… Thanks!
Hope it helps :)
Woe this could not have come at a better time! My 3 year old does this same thing. I have cut TV time to 30 min per day or less. It helps, maybe we should take it all away. I’m trying to convince my husband to have another baby, then the progress I have made is cut down because the kids are melting down. Oye very!!
Jessica, ha! I’m not sure why the TV thing really does it, but even after one morning of cartoons on a Saturday I can tell. It’s sad because I like when they watch TV. ha. Good luck with convincing the hubby :)
I love this article. We have a 4 month old & a 2 year old. My 2 year old became a whiner at about 14 months. We turn the t.v. off & won’t turn it back on until she’s calm again. Normally we tell her to lay down until she calms down (this normally leads to her falling asleep since most of these moments are due to being sleepy or bored).
Exactly, Amy! Great point. Whining always kicks into overdrive when they are tired or don’t feel well.
Giving this a go a the moment Rachel – really seems to be helping, thanks so much for the tips
Let me know how it goes. I also recently heard that if they approach you whining, to just walk away. (this from Positive Parenting Solutions) so let me know :)
Love it! I recently read an article talking about how it’s important to not say ,”stop the whining” and I completely disagree. I am very clear with my son and it works. I let him know he can go and take a nap if he needs to sleep. As for the screen time, unfortunately it calms my son down and gives me time to take care of the newbie. In the car he likes to watch his shows and it is really helpful to me to not hear him screaming at me out of boredom.
Elizabeth, I don’t think screen time is always the culprit of whining, so I’m glad you keep doing what works. I’ve noticed with my son particularly it makes it worse. But I think his personality (like his fathers) tends to become media obsessed which is probably why it works for him to be off it.
I LOVE this post! I actually stumbled on it quite by accident, but what a Godsend! And these principles can be applied to more than just screen time. I’ve noticed candy sends my little one into a vicious downward spiral and I tend to lose my temper instead of acknowledging and eliminating the root of the problem. No hate mail from this corner of the world!
Jenna, ha, thank you :)
We cut out screen time for our 5 year old during the week a while ago and his behaviour improved a lot. Like you, he didn’t watch much (we don’t have a TV so it’s on catchup on the laptop – which we like because we can control it). Now he only gets a short time after school on Fridays and a bit on Saturday mornings -which doesn’t always happen because we often go out. It also doesn’t happen if his behaviour isn’t OK throughout the week. This makes us sound like super strict parents but it’s working for us and our children.
Right now he’s lying by the fire with a book. He’s always loved books and the lack of screen time has been filled by more reading (his choice) which in my opinion can only be a good thing.
Naomi, it seems so weird that only a little TV can do that, but in our home it honestly can!
Dear Rachel,
Thank you so much for writing this post, and honestly every single post I’ve read on your site so far. I started reading when I heard about you from your Routines book included in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, and your words have been an encouragement and balm to my often-overwhelmed heart. Would you mind if I emailed you about a couple things? I was going to direct message you on Facebook but I don’t see a way to do that. I don’t have the FB app so maybe it’s simply not showing up on my phone.
Know that your honest sharing is a Godsend and such a blessing!
Jess
Sure, Jessica! When you email try to focus on one question so I can easily see it and ansewr or else it’ll get lost in my email!!!
I loved reading this article. It really does make sense. My son is turning 3 in July and I have been having a really difficult time with him. The continual whining and tantrums have gone on too long. So I will be trying to cut down tv time as this is a big issue in my home as he’s quite demanding and I put it on for an easy life. Now I think I may be creating the problem. Kerry
Hi Rachel. Thanks so much for this article – question for you, if you get this and have a minute. Our daughter is turning 2 this week, seems to understand a lot of what we say, but doesn’t talk a lot (lots of words but not many sentences, and is pretty hard to understand when she does talk). She is also an avid whiner :) My husband has been naturally gravitating toward the approach you describe above – a loving but firm “No more whining. You need to stop that now.” Even though I am a fan of firmness, and that is our general MO, I wonder if it’s OK to go forth with the “stop whining” approach if she doesn’t actually have a lot of words to use yet. Any thoughts would be WONDERFUL. (Oh, and she has almost zero screen time so far; something that I’m sure will change, ha!)
Hi, I can’t tell if this is an old thread but my question is the same as Devon.
Hi there! Great article, thank you! I have the same question as Devon and Kayla. I have twins that are under two…zero screen time already, but they only say a few words. Help!
Thank you for a realistic article! Though we’ve been doing this and it’s not making a whole lot of difference(check me into an institution now), it’s nice to read something other than basically “give them what they want”. The solidarity is nice!