Know what to look for in a child abuser or pedophile. These characteristics will help you identify potential child abusers to protect your kids.
I was not a victim of child abuse.
My children are not victims of child abuse.
I’m writing this series from the perspective of a mother who wants to protect her children from the unthinkable.
Unfortunately, statistics being what they are, it is no longer the unthinkable.
It’s rather commonplace…
I am careful not to encourage fear mongering or paranoia, but simply for us mothers to become aware, wise, and protective over our kids safety.
We don’t have to give every single male who smiles at our kids the side eye or distrust anyone who takes an interest in our children.
But we do need to act with wisdom, acknowledging that abusers do not wear name tags that say:
Hello, My Name is Child Abuser.Â
I want to talk about what abusers do look like. Also, warning signs and red flags that can help you make choices to protect your loved ones.
While it’s difficult to pin down exact traits of child abusers in that they look like those around us, here are some generally agreed upon norms.
What's in this post...
Characteristics of Child Abusers
My Bachelor’s degree is in Criminology & Law.
I’ve studied this subject, as well as many others, from many viewpoints. I hope this can be a balanced, sensible, and not fear mongering approach to this conversation so many parents desperately need.
I’d encourage you to establish the following characteristics on your heart:
- intuition,
- boldness,
- and wisdom.
You’ll need these for a chance to send up flares when something seems “off.”
I’m focusing this post on what sexual abusers look like since often sexual abuse occurs by someone outside the home.
It is precisely our lack of knowledge and understanding that gives predators their edge. Anna Salter
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
1. Sexual Offenders have Access to Many Children
One study indicated that offenders who victimize females have an average of 20 victims and those who victimize males an average of 150.
This means the sexual offender has a job, position, or habits that put him near children with frequency.
More than likely, it is not someone who happens upon a girl in an alleyway, but someone who is regularly interacting with our children.
2. Pedophiles Look Like the Average Person
We give true predators an edge when we expect sexual offenders to be the creepy guy with a hood on staring at our kids.
Surely that’s a dangerous situation, but offenders are more commonly average people.
In other words, not the outcast alone at an event, but the one running around greeting everyone gaining trust.
Identically, just as you can not look at a person and know their favorite type of food, you cannot tell a sexual offender by their appearance, only by their actions.
3. Sexual Abusers are Usually Married or in a Committed Relationship
Furthermore, child abusers are not typically single, on the prowl for a future mate.
They’re in committed adult relationships. This is what can help them to fly under the radar in their actions.
Strong and happy families have carefully crafted Family Cultures. They don’t let guilt drive them, rather they spend their time and energy digging deep into a few key family areas that pay off in spades.
Learn More4. Child Sexual Abusers are Known
Only 10% of sexual abuse reports happen by strangers. *We need to stop thinking the danger is a stranger that flies in and out of our children’s lives.
Statistically speaking, it is likely to be a family member, someone in your faith community, school, or extra curricular event.
5. Sexual Offenders Create, Foster, then Maintain a Relationship with Your Child
The relationship the offender tries to establish with a child is not fleeting.
If someone in your circle is trying to gain trust, commit to regular time together, or create some type of authority relationship with your child this can be a red flag.
The goal of the sexual offender is to “Groom” or (make a relationship) with your child so they are able to justify their actions by feeling it is mutual. It is not.
6. Sexual Offenders are Not Necessarily Pedophiles
A pedophile’s sexual orientation is towards children. As in, instead of heterosexual or homosexual, they consider themselves oriented towards children.
The vast majority of child sex offenders are attracted to adults as well and act out due to many factors. So, you are not looking for someone who seems inordinately attracted to small children, it’s just a normal person.
7. Sexual Offenders are Poor, Rich, and In-Between
While there are many crimes committed that take place largely in certain demographics, child sexual abuse is not one of them.
Being financially desperate or comfortable has little bearing on a person’s propensity to abuse.
8. Child Sexual Abusers have Below Level Intelligence, High Level Intelligence, and In-Between
While many child sex offenders elude authorities and are hard to investigate and prosecute due to their high level of intelligence, this is certainly not always the case.
With the same token, just as there are people at all levels of intelligence who wear blue jeans, there is no typical level of intelligence for a child sex offender.
9. Sexual Offenders are Not Psychotic
There are those of us who think it would take a crazy person to abuse a child, the fact is most child sex offenders are not crazy or psychotic in a “psychological sense”.
Many suffer from mental illness, whether anxiety, depression or other disorders (just like the general public) but the overwhelmingly majority are sane. Medically speaking.
10. Sexual Offenders are Not Obviously Creepy
- Child sex offenders want to get away with it.
- They want to groom children, abuse them, and not go to jail.
- Because of this, they work hard to be normal, average, and not creepy. If someone creeps you out, that’s a huge red flag for your family.
- However, don’t expect that you’ll necessarily be creeped out by someone. In fact, when child sex offenders are revealed many people are absolutely shocked at the wolf among them.
11. Sexual Offenders are Convincing and Canny
In order for a child sex offender to gain access to a child, groom them, then subsequently abuse them, they have to earn your trust (as the parent who allows them access).
Furthermore, they have to convince the child to keep it a secret.
They can be charming, friendly, and seemingly a stand up person. Don’t let personality or appearance shadow your opinions.
12. Sexual Offenders Overwhelmingly Identify as Religious
To say that a person is not an abuser because they are a Christian is to be deceived.
First, to be deceived that just because someone goes to church means they are a Christian, and second, that there is any one place your children can be left unsupervised for long periods alone with others, particularly male adults.
This is a quote from a convicted child predator.
“I considered church people easy to fool…they have a trust that comes from being Christians. They tend to be better folks all around and seem to want to believe in the good that exists in people.” source
Moral of the story: Don’t base your trust in a person on how they look.Â
I hope these descriptions have opened your mind to a few things:
- There is no “typical” child sex offender
- A child sex offender could be anyone
- Just because they seem “stand up” does not mean they are
- You will have to be vigilant in your safeguards
Oh wow! This is spot on! I know a couple of people that were abused by a trusted family friend and a grandfather figure. He was also their pastor. Unfortunately he never got arrested or charged with anything. Just about everything that you listed, described him.
Diana, so often pastors or leaders in the church who are abusers slide right under the radar. There’s actually a book I can’t remember the title of right now, but that references this phenomenon it’s called Unveling Abuse or something. It teaches pastors, leaders, and just people to recognize the outward signs that abusers will show which will make you say “I can’t believe HE’D do that.” Makes my stomach turn. It helps people support the victim instead of sit there in shock.
This is 100% spot on. I found out when I was 18 that my uncle, one of the most admirable men I knew, had molested 3 of his 4 daughters (1 biological, 2 step) and the oldest only missed out because she married young. It went on FOR YEARS, and all the while he was pastoring a very small community church (one of those middle-of-nowhere towns). He was a good man. Very generous, always helping, even ran a program for homeless people. To my knowledge, his girls were the only ones he molested but it still shattered me. It could have been me. Im a couple of years younger than them. And to this day I still dont understand how he felt any right to stand at a pulpit and preach God’s Word and then go home and do that. Yeah, we all sin, but c’mon! The worst part is once he stopped (for whatever reason), nothing was ever done. Eventually the oldest (his bio daughter) wanted him to go in for counseling – honestly, mostly for her own closure. He refused. He said “He had worked it out with God.” Made me sick.
Thank you for this series. Its so important!!
That makes me sick too. I hate what happens in the secrets and shadows and those who should be living purity are instead living sin and preaching purity :(
My abuser was my uncle. I lived with him and his wife, my aunt in high school. I didn’t tell my aunt of the abuse until about 4 years ago. I only told her then because their children we’re getting to the age I had been when I was abused. I was trying to keep them safe. She didn’t believe me. Every one of the points you mentioned are exactly him. I have three girls of my own now and am a bit over protective, rightfully so.
Oh I am SO SORRY that your aunt did not believe you. I truly hope her deception and refusal to believe the truth won’t have a negative effect on her daughters. I wonder if you could talk to them or if that’s crossing a line?
This describes someone that almost got to us. I’m a widow with an, at the time 5 yr old, daughter. He is exactly as you described: highly invovled in church activities that deal with children, organizes the food pantry, in charge of the summer lunch program for kids, local photographer, grandfatherly, overall has a great reputation in our town. When I realized he was probably grooming us, I tried to gently pull away. He flipped out. And that sealed the deal. We don’t communicate with him in any way, which is hard in our small church.
Wow, praise God you were switched on!! And I just really pray that man doesn’t get to any more kids.
I had to comment because this is a great post but I feel you missed one really important one. Sometimes the abuser is not an adult but another, sometimes older child. Many of the people I have known who experienced traumatic sexual abuses as children are the victims of other older children or teens such as neighborhood kids or their siblings friends. This happens so much more than parents are often aware of and is every bit as abusive and traumatic to children.
Tara, you are TOO RIGHT and it wasn’t something I covered in my post, but that is necessary to point out. OFten it’s the neighborhood kids, babysitters, etc. that can do this damage and it is – as you said – every bit as damaging as an adult.
This happened with my little girl. In prep a grade 2 girl would take her into the toilets and passionately kiss her. I am so vigilant with my children and still this happened. She started regressing with toilet training and freaking out when I left her at school in the morning. This girl would offer lollies to get her to go to the toilets. The school was passive about it and it happened again, we reported to police and finally something started to happen, her parents investigated etc, but she stayed in the same grade prep, one, two mixed class with her victim which was a choice by the school, until we ended up changing. It has taken two and a half years to overcome her anxiety.
Oh, you did everything you could. This is such a scary thing for small kids and I can’t believe they didn’t do anything about it?
Thank you for this post. Sadly, my own father molested many children and some of his own grandchildren including two (out of eight) of my own kids. He was caught in the act and I immediately brought justice. It was never carried out. He committed suicide not being able to live with his whole life in destruction. My mother knew he had molested my niece and never said anything. She took her life, not wanting to live with the guilt. My father was molested by multiple Catholic Priests when he was young and an alter boy. God continues to heal our family. May Jesus Christ fill your hearts with forgiveness as he has mine.
Evie, oh what a story your family has. :( I am so sorry to hear about the pain, destruction, and loss you and your family has experienced. Thank goodness God is working in your family to bring healing and you’ll be blessed to have a heart of forgiveness, I know.
Thank you for this series! Very helpful! I have noticed a red flag of someone from our church who plays so well with my boys and I noticed he has ignored my son’s polite ways of pushing his hands off of him or when he tickles him and my son’s says to stop he doesn’t. I don’t want to make accusations and I don’t think he has been abused because he has never been left alone with my son or in situations abuse could have occured.
However, if this man is “grooming” us what is the best way to stop it before it goes further? We have kept a closer eye when they are interacting together but I think something needs to be said about not disrespecting our son’s right to say don’t touch me! We have a small church so avoiding him is impossible. We also talked to our son about him having the right to his own body and it is not rude to say no and he doesn’t have to hug anyone either if he is not comfortable.
What advice do you have to best approach this man without making accusations. Thanks!
I would probably use straight talk to the man when your son is around. Or I’d likely say something TO your son like, “Remember, if you don’t want him to touch you honey you can say PLEASE STOP” then look at the man and say, “We’re teaching our son to stand up for what he wants or doesn’t want.” Then you’re directing it at your son but he sees you are with it. Think that would help?
Thank you Rachel! That is helpful! :)
I wanted to add that we don’t just have to worry about men. I know of several instances that girls and women have been inappropriate with children. It is all so sad.
Nicky, yes you are right and also women who gain access to children for the men. It’s sad and horrific.
As Nicky pointed out I feel it should be good to edit the article to emphasize that one should look out for women just as much as men.
While I still feel this is a sadly male-dominated problem I have been seeing an increasing amount of reports where an abuser is surprisingly female, and I’ve known people that still will to this day defend someone.
Due to how males and females are generally viewed right now, with recent events, I think it’s more important than ever to emphasize that anyone – literally anyone, of any gender, race and religious affiliation is capable of being an abuser of childeren, not just a man. The last thing we need is to have a loophole in our own personal ways of safeguarding our children. Just like how we shouldn’t just trust a person because they’re of a certain religion or job type, is how we shouldn’t trust a person more with our kids just because they’re male or female.
I’ll add this in somewhere, thanks for this feedback. You are right, women are abusers as well. Both abusers and enablers for male abusers.