Here are some common parenting behaviors that can weigh kids down in the long run.
Love, acceptance, time and attention will make our children’s worlds go round.
They’ll feel part of something greater than themselves. They’ll be able to develop, age, and mature safely within secure boundaries knowing their parents have their best interests at heart.
Sometimes, in an effort to parent with our whole heart we often veer into territories that leave our kids with a lot of baggage.
What's in this post...
Common Not So Helpful Parenting Behaviors
Trust me, you’re not alone if you have done some of these from time to time.
1. We tell them we wish they were the other gender
Under no circumstances should we communicate sadness or depression about our children’s gender. It’s one thing to think they were a certain gender or innocently hope for a boy or girl.
It is another to let those feelings fester and linger after birth and communicate them to your child.
Effective: “I thought you were a little boy kicking around in there, but am so happy to have a girl like you!”
Read: Altered Dreams: Living with Gender DisappointmentÂ
2. We knowingly (or unknowingly) play favorites
In one class I was in of 45 adults, over half raised their hands to say growing up they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that their parents had a favorite and they were not it.
It’s normal to get along more easily with some personalities and temperaments than others. It’s normal to have friction with our kids in certain seasons. It’s normal to feel more protective of some kids (those prone to illness or with special needs, perhaps).
Effective: “You are unique in so many ways. I love you and am glad you are part of my family.”
3. We are present but absent
Being present but absent will present challenges for your kids nearly as much as being absent. If you or your husband are around, but ignore the kids, you communicate they aren’t worth your time.
They will find ways to communicate their desire to be seen, loved, and touched with you. Some of these behaviors may be pleasant, others not.
Effective: “Mommy’s has something important to do for 5 minutes, and then you can have my undivided attention, okay?”
Read: How To Be A Present Parent Without Losing Your Marbles
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4. We squash our kids’ feelings by interrupting, redirecting, or not being able to handle it
Our kids’ behavior and words will communicate how they feel, and we should support this. Emotions are not positive or negative, they are neutral. We all have them.
We must learn to control them, surely, but we should most definitely not stuff them down. It’ll just mean they explode all over the place later. This is especially true of children.
Effective: “I see that you’re really upset and frustrated right now. There must be some way you can do this chore and still be happy!”
Read: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn More
5. We communicate rejection to our kids instead of acceptance
Whether a child feels accepted in his home is an indicator of whether he’ll want to communicate with you or whether he’ll seek out love and comfort elsewhere. We know feeling accepted brings higher levels of self-worth, so how do we show our kids acceptance?
We listen. We accept their personalities. We work with their strengths. We help them learn to respect boundaries and create their own. We make time for them.
Effective: “You seem a little frustrated right now, sit down and let’s figure out what’s going on.”
Read: The Wounded Spirit
6. We make them feel “never good enough”
We want our children to do their best. We want them to meet their potential and be flooded with confidence, self-worth and assurance they can make a difference in the world around them.
We do not, however, want them to feel that nothing they do is good enough. If you follow every praise with a “next time” or a “you could have done this” or a “yes, that was good BUT”… then we aren’t accepting their successes in the moment.
Effective: “Great job tonight hustling and rebounding.” (Bring up your suggestions before the next game if need be, not during current praise).
Read: Rising Strong
7. We try to be their friend instead of their parent
If parents don’t set boundaries, the child will be forced to set their own. These children are often called strong-willed when really they are self-directed. Directing their own lives since the parents have not shown up with their authority.
This type of parenting framework will lead to feelings of insecurity and low self-confidence because kids feel in control of situations they are not prepared to deal with.
Effective: Finding a confidant your own age so you can have a healthy relationship (still full of communication and fun) with your 16 year old.
Read: Boundaries, Strong Willed Children, Oh My!
8. We give empty and ineffective praise
What exact behaviors you want to see more of. Saying “great job” “that’s awesome” and “you’re so smart” doesn’t actually tell the child much. They need to know what behaviors to repeat, and need to be praised for effort, not for factors outside of their control.
Effective: “You put good effort into studying for that test and it paid off. ”
9. Raising children without life skills
Raising children to be capable and independent will set them up for success in life because they’ll be confident in their capabilities.
By giving your kids household chores (even 2 and 3 year olds) they’ll learn to contribute, take care of themselves, and feel more secure in their own place in the family.
Effective: Train your children well, show emotional support and willingness to assist, and letting them take care of things themselves they are capable of doing.
Read: Life Skills For Kids By Age (With Printables!)
10.  Giving our kids’ what they want when they want it
What’s the difference between spoiling and spoiling rotten? Spoil your children with love, attention, and proper training. Love your child, but don’t spoil them with things.
Children will know if you’re buying them off, trying to get them to shut up, or trying to buy their love out of guilt. They won’t be able to articulate it, but they’ll have a feeling inside. Best to spoil them with the intangibles of life.
Effective: Giving them endless acceptance and love.
11. Misunderstanding the concept of unconditional love
Do you know what unconditional love is and what it isn’t? We must absolutely love our children to the core of our being and let them know it. But love isn’t just hugs, kisses, affection, and smiles.
Sometimes love draws boundaries. Sometimes love puts in place consequences. Love sometimes has to make long-term decisions that will make our children unhappy in the short-term.
Effective: Being willing to risk your child’s unhappiness for their long term gain.
12. We parent in ways that prevent self-control from building
When developmentally appropriate and reasonable, we need to allow our children to build self-control. The same self-control that prevents a child from throwing their food all over the dining room will later help them sit still in class and pay attention.
Our children are capable of a great many things, including waiting, and it’s a gift to parent in a way that allows children the opportunity to experience all the joys and frustrations of delayed gratification in pursuit of a goal.
Effective: Having appropriate family rules that give your child a chance to learn self-control and follow through.
13. We unwittingly breed entitlement
The phenomenon of entitlement has now been laid bare. So what is it?
Expecting things we haven’t earned. Expecting positions we haven’t worked hard for. Expecting success when we didn’t put in effort. Expecting nice things when we don’t work for them.
We can encourage simple practices of thankfulness by sleeping with bread and by modeling gratitude, manners, and thankfulness. And by having our children learn associations between hard work and payoff, effort and reward.
Effective:Â Having our children learn to work hard, be thankful, and take responsibility.
Read: Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
14. We let our kids live in la-la land
It’s so important we protect our children from influences they aren’t yet able to process. It’s so important we nurture their spirits and hearts during development.
And it’s equally important we don’t shelter them in a way they don’t understand how the world works. Cause and effect and logical consequences are great lessons that can be taught age appropriately to children as they grow up.
Effective: Seeking out appropriate advice or resources to explain difficult concepts to children like abuse, death, pornography, for example.
15. We misunderstand the difference between protection and sheltering
None of us want anything bad to happen to our kids. At all. Ever.
There is a great responsibility on a parent to make sure our children are protected, and one we take very seriously. However, there’s a difference between protection and sheltering.
Protection provides age appropriate security. Sheltering prevents our children from learning necessary life lessons that will help them protect themselves in the future.
Positive:Â Raising your children to be knowledgeable about life, firm in their foundation, and a light to the world.
For a mom new to this whole parenting thing, I think you’re simply spot-on when it comes to practical and purposeful advice. I will just name a few of my favorites from this post…1. Being present but absent. This is a huge reason we get sleep in order and do independent playtime in our home. This way I can have enough time to get things done. I am able to be present because of these tools in my tool belt. I don’t have to worry about checking my phone because I already was able to do it during set times my son sleeps/rests or plays alone. 2. Squashing feelings. It’s all too easy to say stop crying or whining, but I’m not really acknowledging, nor validating, my son’s feelings when I say that. Being an empathetic parent (oohh, that would be a good post) is really so empowering, and it can make all the difference in the day to day tone.
Lauren
Am with you, girl! I struggle with being present and present and I am sure every mother does, but at least it is a struggle! It’s when you don’t even care to struggle that you get real problems!
Great reminders! I struggle with 4, 5, and 6, but was encouraged that I am doing some things well. Love your posts – keep up the good work!
I am with you. Some of these are a struggle, but it’s a GREAT sign that we are self-aware because it’s only when the behaviors are habitual and constant that the effects start to accumulate!!
A lot to think about here….
thank you for linking up with the #pinitparty
Oh yes, but remember, it’s repeated occurrences. So some things to keep in mind, not be paranoid about!
I thought this was a very informative article……until the end. Keeping them in an all Christian environment will leave them unprepared for the world? Ridiculous that you would single out one religion. I think that the difference between sheltering and protecting could have had a better example and one that does not single out a group.
Kim I’m a Christian myself and am sorry if that offended you. I am most certainly raising them in a Christian environment, my point is that keeping them in a contained environment – in lieu of preparing them to live out their faith in the world without strict parameters – will not mean they have strengthened faith, but rather untried faith. I’ve written a post on the difference between sheltering and protecting as well, so I don’t think we disagree, my wording might have just seemed unclear.
My parents protected us from the harshness of the world by finding safe ways to let us see that not all people are the same as ourselves. They were foster parents, which let us know that some families have problems but children still need care, We were in a city-country exchange program that addressed many issues: racism, poverty, materialism, even teen pregnancy, in a safe and open environment. When I eventually ran into situations as an adult I had their example already of how to hold on to my own values without having to isolate myself or limit my opportunities
Sarah, what honoring words you spoke about your parents. I hope my own children speak so well of me when they are older!
These are worthwhile goals to have when parenting. All of these items brought me back to my own childhood and that of my daughter, now 26. I can pinpoint the items that affected my own life and those that shaped my daughter growing up. The difficult thing about parenting is that no matter how you try to do your personal best, a child will have their own perceptions of how you were as a parent. There will be outside influences and experiences; adults and friends that will also leave their imprint on a growing child and adolescent. They will each be born with their own temperament/personality that will be a filter in which they interpret the world. The proof is to check on them in adulthood, once they have passed through their growing stages. There will always be something individuals will wish their parents did differently or possibly find areas of blame. I guess this is the human experience. When they are young, we really want to do our best to raise these little beings as confident, loving, caring, grateful, and more. Sometimes despite our best intentions, things will turn out in very unexpected ways. We can mourn the loss of the little ones we had such high hopes for but find peace in the acceptance of who they are and have become despite our parenting style.
Dee, thanks for posting this and you’re spot on. I heard a mom say the other day, “You don’t know how they turned out until they’re 30.” Ha, and it rings true. We can only do our own part and prepare them for the world, but there’s so much out there that has affect we aren’t in control of. And you are also right about the kids perceptions being different than reality at times. I’ve known someone who remembered things very differently than his parents say happened. Thanks for giving your thoughts!
This is SO true, Dee. As a mother of 36 and 34 year olds, I have the most difficulty with the 36 year old. Both of my kids were raised exactly the same, that is to say that although I worked full-time I always made time for each of them and their individual activities. My husband and I are also still married and we tried to give them a stable home and every opportunity without spoiling them. However, each of them perceives the way they were raised differently. Our daughter (the 36 yo) is angry with us for not giving her everything she wanted (i.e. a car at 16). She goes as far as to keep us from our 3 grandkids now and refuses to have a relationship with us. Our son is much more laid back, understanding our position as young parents when they were growing up. He has a good, loving relationship with us. We spend time with him and his long-time girlfriend whenever we can. I can’t explain why my children are different, they just are and I have to accept that.
And all we can do is the best we can do! You are so right, I’m praying your relationship with your daughter turns around. I assure you, not giving a car, was not a failure as a parent!
Helen, my instinct about your daughter is something happened to anger her, but nothing you did. There are other people & situations that sometimes we are not aware of if we don’t ask the “right questions.” My kids are in their late 20s & 30s and have had their issues. Communication is key. Not prying, but finding the right time & environment. Now I’m caring for 99 yr old Mother & my 20 month old grand daughter. No rest for the weary. Talk to her. Good luck & God Bless you;)
I really struggle with #4. I want my children to obey me right away and sometimes I forget about what they are feeling. It’s definitely something I have to work on daily!
I think we all have to work on many of these daily, it’s what makes us human!
Ok so when my 16 mo old is playing by himself (independent play is healthy), i shouldnt be on my phone? I remember playing as a kid & my mom would be nearby reading a magazine. I never ignore my child when im on my phone. As soon as he comes over by me i put it down. Is that still bad?
Oh I don’t think so, no way! I don’t think it’s bad to do your own thing either. I hope it didn’t come across like that. I’m sure you’ll know a balance in your home where your child sees that you are not “glued” to your phone or book or whatever, but that you do have your own interests.
I somehow stumbled upon your blog/site. I am at my worst point with my son. He is 6. I am a hard mom, I have a temper and it hurts to read all this…
I feel more horrible as I read more and more. I am very strict and lately, he is just spiraling down into just being worse. His attitude, he’s getting in trouble in school for talking amd not following directions, bothering other kids when they are trying to work. When he is home he is non-stop attitude, winning, crying, yelling whenever you tell him anything at all. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am literally crying as I’m writing this. I just need help…I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried explaining what is expected and the consequences. Offered rewards for good behavior…none of it works. He doesn’t even here me when I’m telling him things because he just blocks everything out. Our house is just not fun and lovey anymore. It’s become a place where we are all just angry and yelling and I just don’t know how to change it. Please help :( I want to have my fun, loving, smart, happy boy back. I want to stop being the angry, mean, sad mom…I don’t know what else to do :(
Do you think it could be related to diet? Have you asked his doctor? I wonder if something deeper is going on. Also, was he an obedient child at a younger age?