How to praise without over using “good girl” or “good boy”

I may seem like I run a tight ship (and I do), but I am also nauseatingly affectionate. I hug and kiss and cuddle and make up ridiculous nicknames for my children. They may grow up and think I could have been better at this or that, but they will never be able to say they didn’t know I loved them. Still, after all the gushing, I want to get into some reasons why not to say good girl or good boy in place of specific praise.

Because of this compulsion, things often come out of my mouth before I’ve thought about it. This is okay on the odd occasion, but how and why we praise are kids is very important. They need to know they are cherished, and that their efforts matter. It’s also equally important we don’t lavish praise on them for things out of their control as this leads to insecurity. This isn’t something we need to stress over on a daily basis, but something we should establish on our hearts as we go through this journey of parenthood.

Ultimately, we want our children to know they are pleasing to us, regardless of their behavior in the moment. There will be many moments when they are, in fact, very badly behaved, but that doesn’t change their status in our home or their location in our hearts.

1.  When to use good girl/good boy. 

It’s best to use these terms when communicating love. Not love because of an action or choice, simply love. For example, if you are reading a book, hugging, or just spending quality time together it’s perfectly reasonable to say, “You’re a good girl, honey, I love you so much.” This is a validating phrase and communities your feelings towards your child.

2.  When not to use good girl/good boy. 

If you are using these terms to communicate praise for a certain action, it’s probably best to just praise specifically their action. For example, if your son comes home with a good grade on a test, it’s better to say, “Great job on studying and acing your exam” instead of “good boy, well done.”

If you’ve asked them to do something repeatedly, or threatened, and they finally comply, that’s not the time to say, “good girl” as though simply doing what you say makes them ‘good.’ You also want to avoid calling one child good in front of another child in a way that makes the other child feel shamed. If one child did what you asked and the other didn’t, a simple “Thanks for doing what I asked, son, I appreciate that” is more effective than “thanks, you’re such a good boy” as though your other child is not.

3.  One thing you can never over praise. 

Nurture Shock is very interesting book and it has an entire chapter on the importance of praising effort, not intelligence. Children are born with a certain level of intelligence that is relatively unchangeable. Of course we can help them reach their IQ potential, but they will not become a genius by studying harder. Effort, on the other hand, is entirely in the control of the child. Whether they try hard, work hard, and persevere is based on their own self-motivation and willpower.

Instead of, “Great job making an A+, you’re so smart” you might say, “I’m happy to see the effort you put into studying, it definitely paid off.” As opposed to, “You’re a natural dancer, you don’t even have to try to look stunning,” you’d do better to say, “It’s great that you really give it your all in the studio, that’s the key to success.”

According to Nurture Shock, those regularly praised for effort try harder and overcome adversity. Those praised for factors outside their control (ie. beauty, brains, athletic ability) are more insecure in their talents because they see any perceived failure as a sign they are not, in fact, what they’ve been said to be.

4.  Find and use key phrases. 

Since I gush and swoon over my babies, I’ve thought of a few key phrases I can say instead of “good girl” or “good boy.” Now I replace those with simple phrases such as the following, that can adapted for many situations. The goal is to be specific in why we are praising, and to praise their actions, not their being.

Good effort. 

{X} was very helpful. 

Thanks for listening and doing what I asked. 

Atta boy. 

I appreciate how you {x}

That’s the way. 

In all honesty, as long as you are regularly praising your children and showing them you love them and are proud of who they are becoming… they’ll be fine. This isn’t about giving us something else to do or not do. Rather, I hope we can begin to think about praise in a new way. It may all sound a little pedantic, but just know that your heart behind the matter is what counts. Children will pick up on the nuances of your communication so it’s best to be aware, but nothing to stress over too heavily.

We can learn to separate our communication where we aim to say “I love you” and the communication where we aim to say “You did that well.”