Dear Redheaded Mother Who Lives Behind the Fence,
I’m your neighbor, the one who lives with his girlfriend and wears the cool jackets with the reflectors. We don’t live on the same street as you, we’re sort of behind you. If your accent is any indication, you might call that catty-cornerned.
Times have been interesting since you moved in. I used to enjoy a nice libation and conversation on my patio of an evening as I took in the sunset in silence. I can’t say it’s that silent and peaceful anymore. For one thing, I can tell the smoking thing bothers you. The flurry of shutting windows was my first indication. But what really brought the point home was your coughing.Â
For another thing, your kids are… well… they are loud. And they’re outside a lot. At first I wondered what kind of show you were running when I heard your kids calling each other’s body parts by their anatomically correct names. Then I realized they weren’t being perverts, they’re just naked a lot. Whether you never clothe them or they take off their own clothes, I don’t know. But I’ve seen them prancing around in their gumboots buck naked from my upstairs window too often to count. Not that I stare, mind you, but it’s hard not to look outside when you hear a small voice say, “Look, mom, he poopooed again! He stepped on it!“
My girlfriend and I used to talk about getting married and having kids, but since you’ve moved in, that conversation hasn’t come up again. The thought of having babies used to seem so romantic.  I didn’t realize children aren’t always happy and giggling. The other day I was minding my own business when I heard “no, that’s my noodle” followed by a scream, two slaps, a “don’t bite me” and crying from both of your kids that almost made me call child services.Â
I thought you’d run out immediately to intervene, but I guess you were busy. Although I often wonder what you are doing over there when your kids are outside. Sometimes they stand at the door and yell “mommy, can we come inside?” and “side, peez, mama, side” for ten minutes at a time. I don’t think they like it much when you say “you guys are fine, stop whining and play.”
How to freeze blueberries for year round baking
I know your daughter saw me last night trimming the hedges. Even above your loud shushing I heard her say “No, mommy, leave the door open so I can watch the man. Look at the man! Wow, he’s cutting!” I must look better than I thought in my reflector jacket.Â
Well, I’ll wrap this up, but I just wanted to introduce myself to you and say that I’ll keep your secrets safe for you. I won’t tell anyone the things your daughter says about your underwear when you’re hanging clothes on the line. Or how your kids sit on the patio and eat styrofoam pool noodles. And get stuck in rusty fire pits and eat dirt and ants from the sandbox. I won’t report you when your son keeps going #2 in the yard and you just move it to the future garden patch.
I’ll just go on about my business. I’ll pretend I don’t hear the screams and crying, from both you and your children. I’ll keep smoking because it’s my yard, but I won’t use profanity when the kids can hear. It’s the least I can do considering the nonstop entertainment you guys provide.Â
Sincerely,
Your Young and Beefy NeighborÂ
PS – Real neighbor, fictitious letter.
Okay, I laughed all the way through that one. Put clothes on those babies..
Haha I try to put clothes on them…
At some point, clothes will become a necessity but for now…why not.
Ha. I try but they pee on them then take them off. When it gets cold they will get the picture ;)
Toddler nudie runs + eating out of the sandpit for life!!
Hahaha every day all day
Oh my goodness!!! I can’t tell you how glad I am to find that I’m not the only mom who lets little play outside alone! Hubs put up a tall privacy fence with a hidden gate and high up latch in the fall, but I’ve only recently let the 2 and 4 year olds go out there without me. Such a welcome time of semi-quiet for me, but I also feel slightly guilty. Like I can’t be “good mom” without being “hover mom.” This makes me feel better. They’ve not gotten naked…yet… But I’m sure it’s coming! LOL!
Ha! There is no way for escape so it is a great time of imagination for them. A good 10 minutes or 20 won’t kill them! :)
Haha! Yesterday was an hour! :D To be fair, I did check on them through the window every 10 minutes or so, and the windows were open so I could hear if things got loud. I got so much done! Esp since the 1 year-old had taken asleep during IPT. Win!!!!
Hahaha. Mine love being out there most of the time. Occasionally they get over it but they do the funniest things!
This made me laugh! I enjoy keeping up with you and your darling family. I hope someday we’ll cross paths again.
I hope so too, sister! Hope newlywededess is fun for you guys :)
We moved house last year. One of the best things is we have no neighbours at the new place. Because seriously, there are so many similarities, with your story, except our guy next door was judgemental and now I can have a child shrieking and throwing a tantrum inside and I just let them do their best… Very funny post!
Oh no, did he say things to you? Ha, now I’m so glad mine is actually silent!!!! I am major jealous though about the no neighbours. I’m praying we won’t have them for too long!!!
Oh yes, he did say things. Like when I was pulling up weeds, he looked over the fence and commented, “Oh, are you pulling out your grass to make everything look the same?” Nasty piece of work he was, although his wife was lovely. I went over to invite her to a Tupperware party once but he answered the door, I told him that I wanted to invite her to my party, he retorted that she won’t be coming and literally slammed the door in my face. I couldn’t believe it, and I’m lucky my nose wasn’t bruised!
Some people are just unhappy and try to put that on everyone else! Woohoo for moving!
Love this! My favorite is the part about sitting on the porch eating pool noodles! Glad I’m not the only one whose kid’s like to eat non-foods…A little fiber won’t hurt, right? ;)
Ha yes. Those pool noodles have bite marks ALL OVER THEM. Ha!
Dear Rachel
It is great that GOD or who of your faith, gave you no children.
I mean for the children benefit.
Instead to spoil time to look and check somebody else business why you are not spending your time to help your neighbor that maybe needs help.
You are only showing to other you are better and clever and maybe wearing trade marks.
To be is more important than appear.
Gruberfamily