Are you a Type A woman married to a Type B man? Here is some encouragement for your particular struggles. You are not alone!
Of all my Type A friends, I can’t think of one who married a Type A male. I think the reason is fairly simple. Type A women are attracted to the stable calm steadiness of a Type B male.
Here’s how it goes…
You get married.
And then you wonder why he couldn’t just be a little more Type A… or a lot more type A.
Then you try to make him Type A by nagging, threatening, withholding and being generally disagreeable. You try using phrase like “happy wife happy life” and “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.“
Finally, you realize that doesn’t work. You discover that it isn’t right and you must find a way forward embracing the less Type A aspects of your husband. All the while acknowledging that you probably have enough Type A for the both of you.
Here are my top tips for you other Type A wives out there. At least, I hope I’m not alone.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
What's in this post...
1. Admit the Truth
Admitting the truth about your personalty type differences is the first step in moving forward…
It’s hard for the husband and it’s hard for the wife. Impossible? Absolutely not. Full of lively debates and potentially high decibel conversations? I’d imagine so.
A woman cannot help but feel that a man should be in charge, wearing his knight in shining armor uniform, roaming the countryside looking for enemies to maim. We Type A women see ourselves as capable and strong female leaders going from hill to hill caring for those in need.
We don’t want to think we have a husband who is content to stay at home doing “nothing.” Of course, our husbands aren’t doing nothing.
However, compared to the hustle and bustle we constantly display… it can seem that way.
It’s hard, but maybe, just maybe, it’s God’s way of letting iron sharpen iron.
2. Get to Know Their Personality Type
Getting to know your husbands personality type means that you can embrace their strengths!
Three out of my top 5 strengths are future focused, according to a recent test I took.
That was something I already know. I’m able to plan now in order to best benefit the future. However, I have been known to nag on my husband when it comes to planning the future.
I used to think that he didn’t care about our future or if we were well set up or happy.
Then… he did a personality test and I read his profile.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
I quickly saw that his strengths are focused on living in the present and being fully there with what’s right in front of him. That shifted something inside me.
I am heavily focused on the future and he’s heavily focused on the present. Well, that sounds strangely as though we balance each other out.
Instead of constantly viewing this aspect of his personality as a failing, I was able to embrace the positives. I also realized that it’s okay if I’m the planner.
He always wants for us to follow plans we arrange together, but I can be the initiator in many respects and that is not out of order. It’s us both operating in our own strengths.
3. Leading Doesn’t Mean They Will Be Strong in Everything
Being a leader doesn’t mean that he will be the best at everything. It’s ok to have a balance and accept what works for your relationship.
There has been one perfect man and that was Jesus. Still, had us Type A women that knew Jesus we would most likely have looked for faults. It’s a struggle of our nature.
Not that our way is to spitefully criticize, but it’s to evaluate situations looking for problems and quickly throw out solutions.
In pre-marital counseling our pastor gave us some good advice. He said that if the wife was strong in a certain area, like administrating the finances, then she should do it. Though it may seem like the man’s job, if the man was not strong in this area it would ultimately be putting the family at a disadvantage to remain so just for gender sake.
We will be strong in certain areas where our husbands are weak, and they will be strong in certain areas where we are weak. It’s heathy to accept this balance and do what works for you.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
4. Establish Weekly Family Meetings
One way we’ve severely cut down on nagging – and by we I mean I – is to have a weekly meeting. We don’t always remember, but it has been immensely helpful. You’ve all seen the quote floating around…
“Ladies if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him about it every six months.”Â
Well us Type A wives are list makers and doers. And when our husbands aren’t naturally oriented the same way then we begin nagging to get things checked off our list. This is because our list occupies our mental space.
Strong and happy families have carefully crafted Family Cultures. They don’t let guilt drive them, rather they spend their time and energy digging deep into a few key family areas that pay off in spades.
Learn MoreWe have a meeting on Sunday evenings where we discuss our schedules, obligations, thoughts about the week ahead, and we add things to our to do lists. There is built in accountability since the next week we’ll evaluate if we completed our list.
What does a weekly list do?
- A husband can procrastinate as long as he wishes, but will be busy on the last day of the week.
- That’s okay, it’s his right. I don’t nag because I know that our accountability will speak for itself.
- With a weekly list, a task is no longer an open ended “please fix the fence” but, becomes something with a deadline.
5. Remember that Life is a Video- Not a Picture
Understanding the psyche of a Type A personality may help…
It is my personal opinion that Type A women see life as a picture.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
For example:
It’s as though, at 10:38 am, someone takes a shot of the house. In this shot we see toys on the floor, dishes in the sink, towels to be folded, and children with dirty faces.
These are all problems to us. Problems that need remedies. Once we’ve identified these problems they take residence in our minds until we solve them.
So how is that different from Type B personalty?
Type B men see life as a video. 10:38 am might see some mess, but in a few minutes the toys will be in the baskets, the children will take a bath this evening, the dishes will get done after dinner, and the towels will be folded and put away.
For them, these things aren’t problems to be solved, they are simply parts of daily life. They encourage us to sit down and relax, we tell them that we can’t because we’ve got our eyes on a problem. Who can rest when there is a problem?
To maintain sanity and actually enjoy being mothers, we’ve got to start seeing life more like a video. We’ve got to get some big picture thinking. A screenshot of our day will never look perfect nor is there an accurate definition of perfect anyway.
Instead of trying to make our husband over-achieving, ambitious, driven Type A men, we need to focus on the good. We probably weren’t attracted to men just like us.
If you think I’m wrong… look around. Do you have any Type A friends? Odds are, most of their husbands are Type B.
Paula Abdul was right, people, opposites attract.
My husband helps me clean up, not because he cares so much, but because he knows I do.
He’s learned to do things that he can see are causing me stress. Not because they bother him, but because he’d like to spend time with me when I’m not preoccupied.
When I stop mothering, nagging, or trying to fight his battles for him (that he never asked me to fight) I find I can appreciate his particular talents and strengths.
In fact, it’s a great strength to be able to sit in a messy house with bright-eyed beautiful children and not even care if it gets cleaned. It’s a gift to be able to play with children with endless patience without trying to check things off a to do list.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
It’s a gift he has that I don’t. I might “get more done” but he certainly finds more peace in the present. I think we can learn from that.
If the above post resonated with you then I’d recommend the book Strong Women and the Men Who Love Them. I haven’t yet read it, but it comes highly recommended and seems exactly up our alley.
FAQs
I think it’s important to agree on some priorities together and working towards those things as a team. This is why I love having weekly meetings – we agree on the priorities for the week (in tasks and scheduling) and we are free to complete those tasks how we want to individually. Although we have different personalities, we can be aligned on our priorities and acknowledge each other’s strengths.
Nagging and threatening don’t work. Try seeing time management from their perspective – are they busy living in the moment that deadlines don’t register with him? Appreciate his perspective and work together to determine when things are done. Another plug for weekly meetings that keep both parties accountable and on the same page.
Understanding both of your personalities – and the strengths and weaknesses of each – is key to learning your natural communication style according to your personality and how to communicate with your spouse so that they feel loved, heard, and supported. Be thankful for your spouse and how they complement you, letting that drive your communication.
Very insightful and so true. That balance keeps either of you from being too much one way or the other. Learn from each other.
Seeing life as a video instead of a snapshot is a very helpful insight. Thank you for that image!
No problem, Kathryn. I think it really helps give perspective, huh?
Some great points here–thanks! I’m in the exact same situation as you and I rarely stop to appreciate the positive aspects of Type B personalities. I’ll have to add that to my “to do” list… :)
Hahahaha. That’s it, Melissa. Thanks for the laugh :)
I totally relate to this. I really liked the part about seeing life as a picture vs. a movie. I sent it to my husband and we had a good laugh about how true this is. Thanks for the encouragement to see the positives in our differences!
Thanks, Danielle :) My husband and I laugh all the time about it. Laugh, cry, you know… ha!
What’s type a and what’s type b?
Here’s a basic breakdown :)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Type_A_and_Type_B_personality_theory
I couldn’t believe how much you have described me and my life! Thank you for posting this!!
Kate…. OUR LIFE!. Ha :)
Oh, my goodness, it’s like you are in my house right now. Thanks for pegging all of this down and giving me a different perspective. It’s so true and refreshing to see I’m not the only one dealing with these things as a Type A Wife married to a Type B Husband. Life is definitely a balancing act.
Thank you! : )
Ha, yes! There are quiteeee a few of us, Heather :)
Thank you so much for this post! I am a young type A wife married to a type B husband and I have learned more about our different strengths in this last year of marriage than the previous 5 years of dating. I read a lot of marriage advice and this is by far the best yet! Thank you for your insight and for speaking directly to my heart :)
Rachel
Rachel, what a kind kind thing to say. Girl, I am with you! These things are hard lessons to learn, hard to put into practice, but easier than hating each other all the time ;)
I just read two of your other blog posts that came up in my pinterest searches, then found this article.
Just what I needed to read today! This subject has been heavy on my mind lately.
My boyfriend of 3 years and I are taking the next step by getting engaged and planning a wedding. Holiday season and wedding planning involve more checklists and time restraints then we have worked with before. But I often wonder, will I always be stressed trying to get things done and watching my husband always taking “five minutes” to relax? I don’t think it’d be fair to make him change, and I certainly cannot change his viewpoint of life.
I really like your explanation of what a Type-B husband is thinking, the video vs. picture metaphor really helps me see our day through his eyes. Maybe now that I have some insight on his thinking, I can explain my view and get a little help around the house. And more importantly, stop stressing and live in the moment.
Thanks,
From one type-A gal to another!
Girl, I feel you. Best of luck :)
Needed to read this today! I am type A to the max and my husband is, without a doubt, type B. You mentioning that it is a gift that they can play with the kids or relax without stressing that the house doesn’t look perfect or about what you are making for dinner next Thursday is something that I have thought about a lot lately…It is wildly comforting that someone else has gone through the exact same thing and found ways to verbalize things to focus on that may make life easier. Glad I found your blog!
Oh girl, I have been there! We are probably like birds of a feather
I have never once left a comment on the many blogs I read, but this helped me immensely! I had been wondering what was “wrong” with my type B husband!lol:) We are driving to an overnight couples retreat today and I plan to discuss this great article with him. This is really going to help our marriage. Thank u!!
Faith, what an encouraging read this morning. Have a great weekend :)
This is totally us, lol. I took a strengths test a few months ago and totally got “Achiever.” It fit me to a T. And then there’s my husband–who is skilled at relaxing and enjoying the moment. (I hate relaxing. And I HATE naps.) Sometimes it drives me nuts, but yes, it’s definitely for the best. We balance each other out and each bring different strengths to the table!
I needed to read this. Thank you.
This was quite helpful. I never considered myself type A until I married a very Type B man. I think I’ve matured into more Type A. Somebody has to make lists and keep things in order right? I think you nailed it on the head. It’s their laid back Type B style that attracts us. Overtime though, it does become difficult when I start to feel like I’m doing all the work …
Thanks for tips! Keep ’em coming!
Tanisha, you put the nail on the head. What attracts us makes us nuts later ;)
I was laughing and wanting to cry at the same time while reading this post. I have been following your blog for close to a year now and have implemented some of your “strategies” for a calmer more organised home with my husband and three boys. But this was different. Like all the previous comments made, you very well described what is going on in our house. Especially when he helps me clean/tidy or do other little things (that is totally out of character for him) just because he knows this is what preoccupies me and keeps me from relaxing and enjoying “the moment” with him and the kids. Isn’t is wonderful that God has given us these Type B husbands that loves us, for who we are.
Tania, amen! This post is one that so many women are like YES YES YES. It’s hard for us and hard for them but iron sharpens iron :)
I think we could be great friends! ;) I’m definitely the type A woman, married to the type B man. I appreciate your thoughts and insight. I could learn a lot from you. One thing that we’ve similarly picked up is the weekly Sunday night meeting. It has done wonders!
I don’t know who first suggested it, but it’s a genius idea!
this is literally the best and most relate-able article i’ve ever read. i’ve never heard things put in the way that you have, and it’s so familiar to me! you have such a great perspective! love love love this!
Erin, what a wonderful compliment. I was worried it’d offend initially but I’m glad to know SO MANY WOMEN are living my life ;)
I’m enjoying your blogs! I tease my husband all the time that I’m “the gas” and he’s “the brakes”. But hey, you need both to get where you’re going! :)
Ha, THAT IS SO GOOD
Rachel, thank you for this reassurance. My Heavenly Father placed me a strong willed Type A woman with my husband that is a Type B personality. We have a strong willed Type A daughter, my poor husband has to deal with both of us, but he’s a good man and keeps us both in line willingly. When he has a time of weakness I am there for him and he does the same for me. Last summer we had a tree fall on our house after a bad storm rolled through the neighborhood. My husband made all of the phone calls, but I was the one to handle the contractors because I am more familiar with construction. Once the repairs began I made sure that everything was in order and had to deal with the project manager to allow my husband to get his work done because he is self employed. Even when he (the project manager) miscalculated the amount of shingles that we needed and did not have enough to finsish the roof over the living room and the garage. Needless to say the project manager had a very bad Monday morning after he was yelled at by his district manager. When he got to our house that day, my husband and I were outside to greet him and to explain what happened. My husband apologized once he found out that he got the guy in trouble. My husband is a soft spoken Godly man unless he is out preaching the gospel to someone. The project manager did not respond very politely to my husband’s apology, the large man responded with a direct threat to my family’s safety and well being. My husband’s mouth dropped to the ground in shock and he was speechless. The project manager said that he was so upset when he got to work that he thought about sending 3 large guys here to rough us up, which did not go over well with me. I responded in an ever so stearn voice told the man that if he would have done that then they would have to deal with me. I told him that we do not speak like that to each other in this house, nor do we expect to be treated like that by a guest in our house or on our property. After stating my peace on how I expect my family to be treated, I ever so kindly and in a pleasant tone asked the project manager how this was going to be resolved? He responded in a very calm polite tone and attitude stating that he would go get the shingles to finish the job, which he did. Later that day, boy did I hear a lecture and a half from my husband who is not confrontational at all. After my lecture from my husband, the district manager showed up to talk to my husband and I. We again apologized for the grief that we caused and told the district manager that we are very pleased with the work his crew were doing. We even thanked him for taking his time out of his busy day to visit. I also made a point of telling him that his guys are good at what they do and to keep them happy. Luckily it was later in the day and the little spitfire that I can be calmed down by this point, which was the first time in my life that I was able to let my grudge go. Once everything was completed the project manager and his boss were talking and he told us that we are the nicest family, which I was kind of worried about me having to set the record straight that day, but I just had say something. I do not like people thinking that they can get away with things like this with me because that will never happen. This was one of those times that my husband needed a strong willed Type A wife like me and to handle a bully and set them straight. The Lord Above knows all of us more perfect than we know ourselves. When I was a young adult, I prayed everyday for three years for a man that would be perfect for me that I could love forever. One day out of the clear blue I met my husband, granted he is not perfect and neither am I by any means, but my Type B husband keeps me the Type A in check daily as I do for him. We are there for each other always, my strengths are his weakness (organization or walking file cabinet as he calls me) and for me his strength is keeping me cool tempered and to help me keep things moving smoothly. My husband the Type B is my biggest blessing one below my reassurance that Jesus died for my sins. Sorry for my rambling here but you are not alone with a Type B husband. Have a great day.
Thanks again,
Michele
Enjoyed the information, thank u
All tips are very interesting and helpful for women. Specifically for women’s thinking about getting married. Do you have any tips for men?
I should SO write this post. Tips for Type B men married to Type A wives… On the calendar :)
Also type a husbands married to type b wives? There isnt much out there on that!
This right here is exactly what my wife said this morning is the problem in our marriage. She is a strong type A and I am definitely type B with some type A characteristics. She has been so frustrated because she thinks that our personalities are too different that it won’t work. She hates that she is always the one coming up with future plans. I usually don’t disagree with her plans but I do take my time and analyze the situation and try and get the ducks in a row. We are at an end pass in our marriage abuse she has lost her attraction for me. I know I should learn to be more type A but I don’t know if she will be patient enough. I wish the lord would speak this very thing to her heart and help her understand that we can live a happy life and that I have strengths that I can contribute. Amazing that the lord shared this with me the exact dash we talked about this. Thank u
Stephen, you CAN’t be more Type A because you are Type B. That is not a personality flaw, it’s a temperament. I pray God would soften the divide between you two!
I agree that temperament doesn’t really change, but I’ve noticed in the healthiest relationships the Type B person helps the Type A person learn to relax while the Type A teaches the Type B how to handle responsibility. I’ve also seen the opposite where when the two come together, the Type A person becomes more stressed out while the Type B becomes lazier. It usually ends up becoming more of a parent-child relationship where the attraction dies before ending in divorce.
Oh yes, you nailed it, that definitely does happen! If the Type B becomes lazier by force Type A becomes more stressed which makes them resent the other, etc.
My goodness. You hit a nail on the head with my marriage. I am the type a list maker, while my husband runs from my lists. In the morning I have a mental checklist especially when I need to get out the door. I can have all children in the van and buckled into their carseats and still be waiting for my husband. I wish I could get into his head and figure out why he does what he does.
Jennifer, you know I relate. I can get myself and my 5 kids ready for church and buckled in the van and he’s not ready!
I love this article but can’t find where to sign up for the newsletter.
Should be there at the bottom, do you see it?
Wow I feel better about myself. I am definitely turning into a more type B person due to the hubby and the kids, but there are days when the type A prevents me from loving the moment. Glad I’m not alone.
Rachel, thanks for the insight. Unfortunately it is too late for me. I do believe my now ex-wife has some other issues as well though (anxiety, depression, anger issues). She filed at the beginning of 2015, and by the beginning of 2016 the divorce was finalized. Lots more I could say, but there is no real purpose to do so. I just regret the pain and suffering our daughters went through, and likely still do to some degree.
I’m so sorry for what your family has gone through, Mark, and pray that you all find some healing in the days ahead.
Thanks for your hard work on my case and bringing John back in my life. I have never seen the results from a spell like the ones that I have seen from yours. You truly are the one person that I can count on in my life to be a friend. Mentioning friend, let me tell everyone reading my testimonial.. Mike is more than a friend, he is a person that takes person care of your case. I have been to many different sites (Egyptian Witch sites, and several others) and I have been put off to counselors and several other different people have handled my case, to no avail. When I approached (dr_mack@ yahoo. com) with my situation I was stunned at the personal service and attention to detail that he gave to my case. I will be back for more spells soon is what i told him,,,
“Love doesn’t subtract—it multiplies!”
—Jessy Heinlein
Wow! At 11 PM at night, my mind buzzing in over drive over my endless mental lists, and an exasperated “Ahhhh!!! Our Type A & Type B dynamic is NOT working!” rant to my husband, I retreated to Google and searched “How a Type A Wife Can Live With A Type B Husband” and I found this. I actually smiled and teared up reading this….if anyone ever wanted to truly understand me, how my mind works, my husband and our dynamic, your post depicts us more clearly than I could have ever done myself. After 17 years, we have fallen into a great “balance” with each other. I appreciate so much his level headed thoughts, calm demeanor, and easy going approach to my strong personality and perfectionism. However, there are some current dynamics that no matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to permanently meet in the middle. Thank you for the reminder it WILL be OK. I’m continuing to pray and work on myself in Hopes him seeing the changes in me would perhaps ignite some initiative on his end on the things he knows matter to me. Thank you again. The most perfect blog entry I’ve read!
Glad I read this post! I have started to date a type B man and since it had started raising doubts I thought I’ll Google to see pros and cons of type. A. Marrying a type. B. THIS IIs the first article I am reading g and I am already feeling releaved… Thank you!
I believe this post is to try to help those type A woman who has already married type B man and especially those with kids, to find peace and a way forward. It all make sense, but it is a very very hard life for the type A woman to shoulder the family for eternity ( let’s face it, Type A woman has higher standard and type B husband usually think the wife is the one to blame for her own stress – although often type B man enjoys the better life comes with it ) – it is an exhausting and lonely life. Romantic love is not the same as marriage. Opposite attracts for romance does not lead to happy marriage. We can try our best to make it work and enjoy what each one can bring to the family – but that’s about it. Type A woman and type B man make a perfect couple on an island for vocation, but rarely make the happiest marriage.
This is deep wisdom! Couldn’t have said it better myself! In the long run, it is a very stressful road to be on so if you aren’t already married think long and hard about it
It’s definitely hard to own up on your shortcomings but it is the only way that you can move forward. Number one tip is the vital aspect of any relationship.
Rachel, you nailed it! I’m definitely a type A woman (INTJ, by the way), married to a steady, calm type B man. Your post is completely spot on.
Two books I’d recommend on this topic are Fierce Women, by Kimberly Wagner; and The Alpha Female, by Suzanne Venker.
Fascinating topic and definitely one that needs addressed with honesty and grace in the Christian world.
this was very good and helpful! God bless you and your family, especially your ministry! I am definitely not attracted to type A men, until the devil makes me think I am by putting comparisons in my head haha. please do write more of these. Maybe you can host a conference for type A women! Blessings!