Infertility feels out of control.
All of my life I had dreamed of being a mommy and having my own family. Having a family is what was next on our list, and I am a list person! I found my soul mate, had a beautiful wedding and start of our marriage, and this was what our next life event would be. I am a planner, and if you’re anything like me, you like to know what is next and be prepared for it.
I was not prepared for this. As someone who likes to have things organized and in control, this threw me way off course. I could plan as much as I wanted, but this was something that I had absolutely no say in. I had to wait. I had to learn to give up the need to control the situation, and every aspect of our lives for that matter.
Infertility feels hopeless.
A friend of mine told me that she was pregnant, and that she had to see a fertility doctor and take Clomid to make it happen. That got me thinking and I decided to make an appointment to get checked. When we went to that second fertility appointment and the doctor told us we would never get pregnant naturally, I was crushed. I felt like everything I had ever dreamed of was being taken away.
The doctor told me, “I’m going to get you pregnant, I just don’t know what it’s going to take.” Well, I didn’t believe him. He was so confident saying that, but I didn’t believe him. I thought there was still a chance that the upcoming treatments he told us about wouldn’t work, and we wouldn’t be able to have our own babies. I had some hope when he told me that, but my fear of it not working outweighed my hope that it would.
Infertility feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant.
It may not be true, but it feels like it. Someone is always posting an announcement on Facebook that they are pregnant, or that their baby has been born. For me, I felt happy for them, but it was a constant reminder of our situation and I felt like I couldn’t get away from it. Everywhere I turned, someone was getting pregnant. It hurt to hear people say that they got pregnant on accident, or that they didn’t plan on this happening.
They had to come to terms with accepting having a baby on the way, and here I was trying to wait patiently for it to happen to me, knowing I would be so thankful when it finally did. People would tell me about how they got pregnant on accident, or to watch out because it’s “in the water”. All I kept thinking was if only they really knew what we were going through.
Infertility feels like no one around you understands what you are going through.
If you’ve gotten pregnant easily, or haven’t had the desire to start a family yet, you really don’t understand how hard it is to wait two weeks and see a negative pregnancy test, month after month. If you’ve gotten pregnant easily, be thankful for that! When you decide that you want a family, and you start trying for one, every month is more devastating than the last when the results continue to be negative.
The dream of having a family and having your own baby becomes a little but more distant and the idea that it might not ever happen starts to take over your thoughts. If I would have known for sure that it would happen, I probably would have been able to deal with the wait more easily. It’s the idea that it may not happen that is so devastating.
Infertility feels like you are broken.
I remember feeling like my body was failing me. Like it didn’t know how to do its job correctly. I felt broken at such a young age, and I felt like a failure for not being able to make my parents a grand baby to love, since I know they were very much looking forward to that. Through infertility and my difficult pregnancy, I remember continually thinking that my body was useless and couldn’t do anything right.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not change the problems my husband and I had, and that it wasn’t our fault. Our road to getting pregnant was just going to be different than others. There wasn’t some underlying moral reason we weren’t getting pregnant, it was because our reproductive systems had a problem that needs treatment. Just as you would treat cancer if you were diagnosed, we needed treatments to get pregnant.
Infertility feels like a constant reminder that life is not fair.
Why do these trials happen to some people, while others get pregnant so easily, or accidentally? My husband and I were ready to be parents, ready to get started raising our small people into this world. Other people get pregnant with one night stands, have abortions, do it for the wrong motives, but us, we were ready! So why did we have to wait? It’s the classic case of “life’s not fair.”
Infertility feels lonely.
For us, we didn’t tell many people what we were going through, so I couldn’t expect anyone to be sensitive to the situation. It was really hard to be around friends and act like everything was fine, and then go home and cry my eyes out. I knew if I told more people, I would feel more pressure, and I didn’t want to have to talk about it all the time. Being around people that didn’t know what was going on forced me to talk about other things and helped to distract me from my anxiety, so in that sense, it was good. If you’re dealing with infertility, talk to someone!
It doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone you know, I certainly didn’t, but it makes it easier to deal with when you have a couple close friends that know you well, and can be good listeners. I’m so thankful for the friends that helped me through our infertility and crazy pregnancy.
Our journey of infertility changed who I am. It has made me a more compassionate and sensitive person and it has made me cherish my daughter so much more. I really do feel like it was and always will be a major turning point in my life. It made me question everything, and in turn strengthened my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn to trust in Him for everything and be able to help others through it as well.
It made me realize what is really important and meaningful in life. It really taught me a lot about myself and my husband. Infertility made us appreciate pregnancy and our child so much more. That doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a child without going through infertility, but for us it made us want and appreciate her that much more because of how much we went through to get her.Anything worthwhile is always worth waiting for.
Family and children are always worth the wait. When that baby is born and you hold them in your arms for the first time, every second of the wait before them feels like it just vanishes. It is worth every second. In my case, it was worth every shot, every doctors appointment, every tear, and every negative test. If you are dealing with infertility, confide in a close friend or family member. For me, it was easier to tell all of the details to just a few people instead of general updates to many people.
I read a lot of stories on blogs and forums that helped me through the situation. Reading other people’s thoughts and journeys was one of the most helpful things for me to do, which is exactly why I made this blog. Talk to someone, do your research on treatments, and be open with your doctors. Infertility is an emotional time and it’s important to be open with your partner about your feelings. Because of our years of struggle, my husband and I have an even stronger bond now that I am so thankful for, especially going into the world of parenting.
Thank you so much, Jenn, for telling your story. Everyone’s story is different and I’m happy Jenn was brave enough and willing to share.
Great post! Thanks so much for sharing your heart. Infertility is not a cross I’ve been called to bear, and this helped me to gain insight into that particular struggle. Pinning it to reference later.
Rachel Norman says
Agree 100%, Tiffany. I’ve put my foot in my mouth before just not knowing what to say so having more insight I think will help me be more purposeful without mistakingly seeming insensitive!
Thanks so much for sharing! :-)
Rachel Norman says
So glad to have this perspective on here!
Thank you for sharing your story- I definitely relate to your first part before having your daughter!!!
Rachel Norman says
Hope you have found some encouragement, Lidiya!
great post! Thank you so much!
These feelings are similar to what I went through. It’s strange that even when pregnancy does happen, the feelings of shame, stress, anxiety, etc. never go away. I felt overwhelming guilt when I finally got pregnant to leave all the other women I met in the infertility clinic behind.
Rachel Norman says
Wow, Betsy I’ve never heard anyone say that. I guess it’s a true sense of togetherness with those going through what you are. And maybe that fear that it’s too good to be true? Thanks so much for sharing.
Perfect description of how infertility feels. My husband and I have been struggling to conceive for nearly two years. We’re on our fifth round of treatment starting tomorrow – our third one resulted in a pregnancy but then I miscarried. I found out today that our fourth one failed. It’s incredibly difficult. We live in Copenhagen, which is the MOST family friendly city ever – I’m surrounded by babies and pregnant women everywhere. I burst into tears today in the vitamin section of a supermarket as I desperately searched for some magic pill which would magically increase my husband’s sperm count and quality. It’s heartbreaking and I’m at the moment at the stage where I don’t know whether it will happen for us.
Thank you for sharing and helping more people become aware.
Rachel Norman says
Oh Nicola, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and how it affects you daily. I pray that this round of treatment will be the one that results in new life for your family!
Great article, there’s one advice I’d like to add that I found really annoying/hurtful when people I confided in gave it to me: they told me to calm down implying (or sometimes actually saying) that the problem was in my head. The only friend with whom I actually had healing conversations about infertility had been trying to conceive for years herself. Since then we’re both happy mommies :) For me it only took finding the right medication to take.
Rachel Norman says
yes, that is a very condescending thing to say isn’t it? So glad you’re a mama now!
Jenn, I admire your bravery in sharing your personal journey of pain.
Infertility is ambiguous loss. One grieves for what is not – what could be – what won’t be. It is the most tearing internal pain that is intense, pervasive and exhausting. It is chronic. It is private and isolating. It is filled with self-recrimination (even if it is is misdirected since it is out of your control).
My heart aches for anyone who has experienced it and I walk with you in it as I have. Infertility is a treacherous and heartbreaking road that takes an incredible toll on the individual and marriage/partnership — and leaves an indelible mark on your forever.
Rachel I applaud your bringing this guest post to your audience. I follow a lot of your posts and know others do and this is an incredibly important, yet often very little talked about,
Rachel Norman says
This is a beautiful and heart wrenching comment, Leigh. Thank you for sharing!
Marissa Otis says
When I turned 40, my sister-in-law, who is a fertility nurse, gently asked me if I wanted to explore IVF. I decided against it: if I was meant to have a baby, I’d have a baby. There had been a few times over the years when I had broken down with frustration over my inability to get pregnant, but they’d passed. I knew we were going to be okay. At that point I decided to switch careers and get my real estate license, which kept me busy. Two years later, my best friend had a baby. I was thrilled for her, but it hurt. I realized how much I wanted to have kids. Soon after, I realized that it is time to change my mind and to use service of reproductive center. So, my sis in law was still working in Biotexcom clinic that is why turned to her. And after all things just went well. Our manager consulted us and helps to choose package most suitable for us. Because of my age, I was considered a high-risk pregnancy and had to undergo weekly tests to monitor the health of the fetus. Despite it all, I had the easiest pregnancy: no sickness, no high blood pressure. I ate takeout Thai food like it was my job and gained 26 pounds. It was thrilling, but every once in a while I’d think, Shit, are we really doing this? Our life was pretty good the way it was. Could our marriage handle this disruption? When I first told people I was pregnant, I didn’t hear one negative word or judgmental statement about having a child at my age.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. I found comfort in your words today. Infertility has been a heartbreaking journey for my husband and me. My hope is that all this waiting, wanting and struggle will someday help us grow as parents.
Lisanne Wellness Center says
Infertility is a major cause of distress for many couples today. Lisanne Wellness Center takes a well-rounded approach when it comes to infertility. Through non obtrusive programs built through education, emotional support, supplements, relaxation, detoxification and a caring staff; our programs are designed to utilize alternative and traditional medicine to give infertile couples improve their chances of conceiving by focusing on overall health.
Ashley Johnson says
I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work, six months pregnant with my second child– only a year after I’d gotten pregnant with our first– when one of my coworkers made a joke about how I was a “fertile Myrtle.” I would have laughed, but I was caught completely off-guard. What my colleague didn’t realize was that we had tried to conceive our first child for three years, closer to four if you count the time we were off birth control but not “officially” trying. I mean, by the time we were parents of two, I’d spent nearly twice as long thinking of myself as infertile as I had thinking of myself as a parent. After some research we found biotexcom clinic. At first it seemed to be just perfect one. But then we figured out that its Ukrainian clinic in Kiev city. I was afraid a bit to go there. After treatment they performed me the IVF procedure. And I got pregnant. But there are some things that no one tells you about life after infertility- here are a few things I’ve learned. You don’t really ever get over it. I thought having children would magically erase the sadness and jealousy and bitterness and hurt that had been my companions for so long. Having children has certainly eased a lot of it I can even plan baby showers now! But there are still moments when people who don’t know my history make glib remarks about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, and I clench my teeth and try not to be rude.
Rachel Norman says
Oh Ashley, hugs!
I am so tired of reading infertility stories from people who have children! Hey! Guess what? Your not infertile!
Try being 43 and still no baby.
Rachel Norman says
Rachel, this was written by another person who was going through that. I’m so sorry it was not at all helpful!
Yes, while I understand it’s very hard to struggle to have a baby, it is a different experience to those of us told we are infertile and there is no hope. It’s like it should have a different name to Infertility, cos if it ends in a baby – you’re not infertile. I searched for articles on infertility, but so many of them end up with a baby so I can’t relate it to my experience.
Rachel Norman says
Mary, that is an excellent point on infertility that, at the end of the day, if you have a baby you are not infertile.
Same. In every way. If you got pregnant with your own egg, you’re not infertile.
Unfortunately, nowadays infertility is a very common problem. So many people are suffering from it! I can’t understand why it is still existing in the XXI century. I mean that the technical progress is going on so why can’t somebody create some specific treatment for this problem? I know this situation. I am also infertile. And was trying to get a child for a while. And I can’t understand what was happening with me. My friends were like: Hey! You just have to work better and harder! Soon you will get it! Or some of them suggest me the adoption variant… But that was not what I want. I wish to have my own kid. With some biological connection. So I have decided to look another option. And one day I found that in Kiev, Ukraine, there is one pretty affordable Center for Human Reproduction. The professional doctors helped my partner and me and soon I will see my lovely daughter. And now I absolutely don’t care what will say the other people.
I’m doing an argumentative essay about adoption of single parents, and this is one of my reasons.
Infertility is one of the difficult situations you have ever face. It is important to remember that infertility is not your fault so stop blaming yourself. It is important to stay positive. Try to work on your wellbeing and happiness. Surround yourself with your loved ones.
Rifaat Salem MD says
Infertility is affecting 7 out of 10 couples and bigger issue behind this is modern lifestyle.
Amber W. says
This made me cry when I read it. It’s everything I’ve been feeling. I’m at the point of giving up. It hurts so bad and you’re right I feel like no one understands the extent of my pain. I cry in the shower, I cry in my car by myself, I cry when I’m alone. The dr said my eggs were asleep and prescribed my first Orvidrel shot November 6, 2017 and my husband had his spirm check and it was great. When I asked “will have to come back for another one?” He said: No, I have no doubt you’ll be pregnant by the end of the month. Well, he lied. So I started doing ovulation kits. All have been negative. Also have been having sex just about everyday and sometimes every other day. I’m so discouraged. But reading this has made me want to keep trying. I’m going to go back for another orvidrel shot soon. Thanks for sharing your story. It really helped.
Thank you, this gave me more hope ? been trying for 7 years finally getting treatments tons of negatives, now it’s ivf for me sadly but this just adds to my journey, yes some people have it super easy and yet here’s us that actually have a story to tell to our future child/ children about how paitient we had to be to have them.
I have several friends going through fertility treatment at the moment and I try to get a greater understanding of what they’re going through but I’ve also come across some issues. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my first and she wasn’t planned but a beautiful surprise. I have to say quite honestly though I feel I have caught at times the bitter end and jealousy of women going through treatment. To the extent that I was told seeing me and my bump around work was a stab to her heart, she refused to turn up to events in case I was there…I then found myself hiding my bump as best I could and not taking photos or really enjoying my pregnancy. Those are moments and a time I can’t get back, those months feeling ashamed. I felt riddled with guilt that I had something so many others are desperate for, I hate being the cause of pain for others. So although this post is insightful I wish people would think about how their judgements on others situations or their loathing of what other people have ‘easily’ affect that person too. Don’t tell us we aren’t as grateful for our child or we won’t appreciate her as much because you don’t know what we are going through in our pregnancy. We don’t tend to share our insecurities, our worries or our complications with you in fear of getting the ‘you’re lucky to even get pregnant’ speech. Don’t tell us that you’re more deserving because you have the big house and the husband, no one is ever fully prepared for a child but I have a partner that I’m madly in love with and enough resources to give my baby a loving home, maybe I didn’t do it the conventual way but that doesn’t make me any less able of being a good mother. Don’t judge me because this baby wasn’t planned, I don’t see her as an accident so why should you, she was meant for us and she is our kinder surprise as we call her. We know we are lucky but that doesn’t mean you have the right to ruin this moment for us because one day when this happens for you (and we do wish it for you) you’ll want to enjoy every moment and take the pictures of your bump and share this unique moment with people without feeling like in doing so someone is there crying over your happiness. Women should support women whatever their situation. Infertility is heartbreaking no doubt and pregnancy is difficult, I think everyone should take a moment to think how their comment can affect another person. I’m sure I will get many comments for my controversy but it needs to be said.
Tired of reading “Happy ending” infertility blogs. My Dr gave up on me, cuz there is nothing they could do. You people don’t understand how people like me feel.
Stop downplaying others struggles and pain because it had a “happy ending”. The happy ending does not erase all the pain and struggle a couple went through.
Infertility is defined as not being able to get pregnant after a year of unprotected sex.
Infertility is not defined as only if you never ever had a “happy ending”. You people need to be more sensitive and supportive instead of putting others down.
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Cheri Parker says
I can only tell you, this article is surreal and when we were going through the process 25 years ago the talk of infertility was a hush hush world. My husband an I had our first child without much to do, 7 months trying was nothing to what we went through with adding another. Secondary Infertility is as brutal. After years of giving up for whatever it means, we were fortunately and happily surprised 12 years later to be expecting our second child I always envisioned with almost ultrasound photo perfections. My husband asks as always,”What do you want for Christmas?”. I give him this answer for the past 12 years, “I have my Christmas list fulfilled, I have my family I have always dreamed of.” Now, A 27 year old and a 15 year old. Infertility is so draining and yet sometimes it isn’t in our plan to happen.
addeline sam says
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Rita Alexis says
I am so happy to be a mother
I would like to share my personal experience in this field. Some time ago I
was ready to give everything for the opportunity to become a mother.
Biologically I am now my baby mother. I have no eggs and due to cancer and I
lost my uterus. I had no variants. Since I am from Hungary surrogacy is
illegal here. We started looking for variants abroad, here a cost varies
greatly. After reviewing a large number of clinics, we contacted Dr Larry herbs and spell. He offered an ‘all inclusive’ package that we were very happy with, as we were only focused on conceiving which Dr Larry assured of. And it is much cheaper than other products which others took and majority never conceived. We were surprised with conditions and attitude Dr Larry render to me.10 months after i took his herbs, I became a mother. This is Dr Larry herbs email info (firstname.lastname@example.org) or contact +2348163807836.
In many cases of infertility, his herbs is a real solution to become a happy mum.
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Seetharam raj says
Great post, thanks for sharing it.
Rachel Norman says
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Aahana Kapoor says
Hey Rachel Norman,
I noticed your blog and read it. I just loved the way how beautifully you have written. Infertility is an emotional time and it’s important to share your feelings with your partner.
Dr Chandana says
You’re not alone if you’ve been told you’re infertile or think you could have difficulties becoming pregnant in the future. The medical sector is constantly developing in this area. Schedule a consultation with doctor at eshaivf and discuss your worries there.
Dr Chandana says
The inability to conceive is the basic sign of infertility. You may not be ovulating if you have a menstrual cycle that is excessively long, excessively short, irregular, or nonexistent. There may be no additional symptoms or indicators.
Nowadays, many are facing this situation. There are many fertility center are there for people who are struggling from infertility problems.
Laura Medina says
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Crysta IVF Centre in Kolkata says
Hope is the light that shines through the struggle of infertility