Infertility feels out of control.
All of my life I had dreamed of being a mommy and having my own family. Having a family is what was next on our list, and I am a list person! I found my soul mate, had a beautiful wedding and start of our marriage, and this was what our next life event would be. I am a planner, and if you’re anything like me, you like to know what is next and be prepared for it.
I was not prepared for this. As someone who likes to have things organized and in control, this threw me way off course. I could plan as much as I wanted, but this was something that I had absolutely no say in. I had to wait. I had to learn to give up the need to control the situation, and every aspect of our lives for that matter.
Infertility feels hopeless.
A friend of mine told me that she was pregnant, and that she had to see a fertility doctor and take Clomid to make it happen. That got me thinking and I decided to make an appointment to get checked. When we went to that second fertility appointment and the doctor told us we would never get pregnant naturally, I was crushed. I felt like everything I had ever dreamed of was being taken away.
The doctor told me, “I’m going to get you pregnant, I just don’t know what it’s going to take.” Well, I didn’t believe him. He was so confident saying that, but I didn’t believe him. I thought there was still a chance that the upcoming treatments he told us about wouldn’t work, and we wouldn’t be able to have our own babies. I had some hope when he told me that, but my fear of it not working outweighed my hope that it would.
Infertility feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant.
It may not be true, but it feels like it. Someone is always posting an announcement on Facebook that they are pregnant, or that their baby has been born. For me, I felt happy for them, but it was a constant reminder of our situation and I felt like I couldn’t get away from it. Everywhere I turned, someone was getting pregnant. It hurt to hear people say that they got pregnant on accident, or that they didn’t plan on this happening.
They had to come to terms with accepting having a baby on the way, and here I was trying to wait patiently for it to happen to me, knowing I would be so thankful when it finally did. People would tell me about how they got pregnant on accident, or to watch out because it’s “in the water”. All I kept thinking was if only they really knew what we were going through.
Infertility feels like no one around you understands what you are going through.
If you’ve gotten pregnant easily, or haven’t had the desire to start a family yet, you really don’t understand how hard it is to wait two weeks and see a negative pregnancy test, month after month. If you’ve gotten pregnant easily, be thankful for that! When you decide that you want a family, and you start trying for one, every month is more devastating than the last when the results continue to be negative.
The dream of having a family and having your own baby becomes a little but more distant and the idea that it might not ever happen starts to take over your thoughts. If I would have known for sure that it would happen, I probably would have been able to deal with the wait more easily. It’s the idea that it may not happen that is so devastating.
Infertility feels like you are broken.
I remember feeling like my body was failing me. Like it didn’t know how to do its job correctly. I felt broken at such a young age, and I felt like a failure for not being able to make my parents a grand baby to love, since I know they were very much looking forward to that. Through infertility and my difficult pregnancy, I remember continually thinking that my body was useless and couldn’t do anything right.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not change the problems my husband and I had, and that it wasn’t our fault. Our road to getting pregnant was just going to be different than others. There wasn’t some underlying moral reason we weren’t getting pregnant, it was because our reproductive systems had a problem that needs treatment. Just as you would treat cancer if you were diagnosed, we needed treatments to get pregnant.
Infertility feels like a constant reminder that life is not fair.
Why do these trials happen to some people, while others get pregnant so easily, or accidentally? My husband and I were ready to be parents, ready to get started raising our small people into this world. Other people get pregnant with one night stands, have abortions, do it for the wrong motives, but us, we were ready! So why did we have to wait? It’s the classic case of “life’s not fair.”
Infertility feels lonely.
For us, we didn’t tell many people what we were going through, so I couldn’t expect anyone to be sensitive to the situation. It was really hard to be around friends and act like everything was fine, and then go home and cry my eyes out. I knew if I told more people, I would feel more pressure, and I didn’t want to have to talk about it all the time. Being around people that didn’t know what was going on forced me to talk about other things and helped to distract me from my anxiety, so in that sense, it was good. If you’re dealing with infertility, talk to someone!
It doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone you know, I certainly didn’t, but it makes it easier to deal with when you have a couple close friends that know you well, and can be good listeners. I’m so thankful for the friends that helped me through our infertility and crazy pregnancy.
Our journey of infertility changed who I am. It has made me a more compassionate and sensitive person and it has made me cherish my daughter so much more. I really do feel like it was and always will be a major turning point in my life. It made me question everything, and in turn strengthened my faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn to trust in Him for everything and be able to help others through it as well.
It made me realize what is really important and meaningful in life. It really taught me a lot about myself and my husband. Infertility made us appreciate pregnancy and our child so much more. That doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a child without going through infertility, but for us it made us want and appreciate her that much more because of how much we went through to get her.Anything worthwhile is always worth waiting for.
Family and children are always worth the wait. When that baby is born and you hold them in your arms for the first time, every second of the wait before them feels like it just vanishes. It is worth every second. In my case, it was worth every shot, every doctors appointment, every tear, and every negative test. If you are dealing with infertility, confide in a close friend or family member. For me, it was easier to tell all of the details to just a few people instead of general updates to many people.
I read a lot of stories on blogs and forums that helped me through the situation. Reading other people’s thoughts and journeys was one of the most helpful things for me to do, which is exactly why I made this blog. Talk to someone, do your research on treatments, and be open with your doctors. Infertility is an emotional time and it’s important to be open with your partner about your feelings. Because of our years of struggle, my husband and I have an even stronger bond now that I am so thankful for, especially going into the world of parenting.
Thank you so much, Jenn, for telling your story. Everyone’s story is different and I’m happy Jenn was brave enough and willing to share.
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