Are you considering having babies close together? Here are the pros and cons to tight child spacing and strategies to manage.
When I was pregnant with my third I saw a high school friend at a gas station.
He said, “Wow, are you pregnant again? When are you going to stop?”
Slightly taken aback I replied, “Well, I don’t know, maybe we’ll keep having babies until we have a bad one.”
He laughed like he knew a secret and said, “Yeah, but you won’t know if they’re bad until it’s too late…”
How does one even respond to that? ??
I had 5 babies in 5 years and my biggest gap was 18 months. This includes a pair of Irish twins as well.
And while it’s nuts sometimes, we don’t regret it.
The pros and cons to having babies close together (and some strategies if you’ve already got them!)
My pro might be your con and your con might be my pro. Know this is my opinion and, I hope, helpful to other women.
As a point of reference, I’m an ENTJ, enneagram 8, doer by nature. Those who are wired and gifted differently may have complete opposite views.
Read: The Ultimate Guide To Surviving Irish Twins In The Early Years
PRO: It’s better to run through fire than walk through it
After I’d given birth to my firstborn, I told my grandmother I intended to have 4 kids close together. You know, to “get it over with.”
Personally, I was referring to the pregnancy factor of having kids. You know, because when you are pregnant you are *this close* to losing all sanity.
She didn’t seem phased and replied, “Well, it’s better to run through fire than walk through it.”
These early years when the children are so young can be extremely difficult. The cuddles, kisses, and chubby little thighs make up for in my humble opinion, but the baby phase is all-consuming. Instead of being in and out of the baby phase for 10 years, having them close together shortens the time.
This may be a con to some, but it was a pro for me.
Read: Why having babies close together isn’t as hard as you might think
CON: Having babies close together is extremely intense
When you have multiple children and none of them can bathe themselves, make their own lunch, or be left unsupervised for any great length of time, you are constantly hyper-vigilant.
Your completely focus is consumed by making sure that numerous little people are safe, fed, well-rested, and generally content. The days are long and tough and it can seem like there is no time to come up for air. I often see families at the store with a 10-year-old, 5-year-old, and baby and think that mother knew what she was doing.
Only one baby home at a time!
However, I will say that I absolutely adore the baby phase so while it is a con that the time is so intense, I still love it.
Read: 5 Signs You’re A Depressed Mom – And How To Start Walking Out Of It
PRO: You don’t gain freedom, lose it, gain freedom, lose it
When your children have only one nap, then no naps, you begin to see a whole new world. Water parks, amusement parks, no strollers, no worrying about toddlers breaking down because they missed a nap! FREEDOM! Then, enter new baby, and everyone parks it at home again.
Of course, many mothers simply take the newborn out with the crew for a good day, but if you are like me and other schedule/routine oriented moms, we prefer to keep the baby home for most naps.
Having babies close together in age means that for a long time, all children are still napping. They are still used to being at home, there isn’t endless school runs and extra-curricular activities that get disrupted with a new baby.
A few intense years are spent revolving around the home, but when that phase is over, it’s over for good.
Read: A Sample Daily Schedule With A Baby, Toddler, & Preschoolers
CON: Everyone tells you to your face that you are crazy
Really they want to say you are stupid, but they do have some filter. At least in person.
This may be because they had particularly difficult babies. This may be because they don’t yet have any children and can’t even fathom your decision-making process.
2-3 years between babies is a culturally common spacing, and if you announce you are pregnant it seems less shocking since your youngest isn’t a baby anymore. Even if you don’t let the comments faze you – because you know your family’s business is your own – it is disconcerting.
You may have quiet and reserved friends and family… but many of us do not!
PRO: You can go back to work sooner, if that’s your plan
If you desire to stay home with your children until they enter Kindergarten, and have multiple children spaced far apart you may be out of the workforce for 10-15 years.
If you love staying home with your kids, but love working too, you may find having babies closer together will mean you get the best of both worlds.
You get the once in a lifetime chance to stay home with your children, but return to work while you are still somewhat in the loop, not decades behind in technology and certification.
CON: For a long while, the kids are no help
A family in our church has 5 children. The ages are something like 10, 8, 6, 1, and newborn. When her 1-year-old was born she said it was a whole new ballgame. There were older capable children to help do things around the house and with the baby.
If you have babies close together some years will go by when you are doing everything for every single person. I’d say right now that my children are only truly helpful with tidying up. In the evenings I will point to specific areas and my two oldest truly are able to put things back where they go (because I have good storage systems).
However, I still must stand and delegate. They can bring me things I need and mind instructions, but they are in no way self-sufficient.
Related Reads:
- Chores Toddlers And Preschoolers Can Do Well
- How To Teach Your Kids To Clean — And Work Yourself Out Of A Job
PRO: Kids are able to play well together developmentally
I’ve noticed that my daughter and son are able to play well together because they are on each other’s level. One year apart is significant in development, but in play it still works out well.
With large age gaps, the children might get along well, but don’t actually play together. This can also be con at times as well. The children are natural playmates and gravitate towards one another so when emotions are high, conflict can occur.
But all in all, I class it a pro.
Read: Siblings Fighting? 5 Strategies To Handle The Squabbles
CON: You must be on top of discipline at all times
While having obedient children is a pro, getting them to the obedient stage takes nonstop focus. When you have multiple very young children, it is non-negotiable they learn to listen to your instructions.
You only have two arms, and if you have more children than arms (and even if you don’t) you need your children to respond to your voice. If I get lax on discipline for even a few days we see it in their behavior.
To have even a semi-ordered home with small children it’s absolutely vital they mind your instructions. And they only do what you say if you mean business all the time. Basically, all the time.
Related Reads:
PRO: Everyone feels sorry for you and offers their help
The same thought that makes people say “have you lost your mind” while you’re pregnant leads them to say “Is there anything I can do to help?” postpartum.
I get offers for babysitting, cleaning, and cooking with regularity. I have trouble accepting help consistently, but am regularly encouraged by the support. You can maintain an appearance of having it all together, but people who know you don’t have their head in the clouds.
They know good and well you can use the help and they are willing to do it. I think this makes up for the fact they called you insane months prior.
Read: The Ultimate Guide To Having A Mother’s Helper You’ll Love
CON: There are fewer chances to get away
I’ve been either pregnant or breastfeeding for the past few years. It’s one thing to take a weekend away, but a weekend away is not quite a weekend away if you have to bring a 3-month-old.
I’m used to measuring the amount of time alone I can have by the time between a baby’s feedings. Sure I can skip one or two, but if I want to maintain my milk supply I can’t take days away from the baby frequently.
I’ve always looked forward (in a bittersweet way) to the time when all babies were weaned.
Read: Why And How To Take A Mom Vacation — On Any Budget
PRO: You are fully in the Childlike Zone
We are in baby and toddler zone over here full force. Tonight we were doing an exercise video in the living room when I began to do a plank-stretch-like-maneuver.
Immediately I hear “It’s a tunnel!!!” and everyone is crawling under me laughing and yelling. It was so much fun. Things are just so much fun with little people. They say funny things, they laugh so completely and have the brightest sparkle in their eye.
Of course, this is the case no matter how close together in age your children are, but there is something magical about having all your babies be… well… still babies.
Nobody is too cool for school.
Nobody is calling anybody silly or lame.
Everyone is fully in it.
Read: 35 Simple Ways To Love Your Child In Everyday Life
CON: Back to back pregnancies wear you out
No matter how fit you are, having pregnancies close together is a strain to the body. I’ve found it isn’t the physical side effects that are worse with each pregnancy, it’s the mental ones.
For me, with each pregnancy comes increased hormonal interruption and disturbance and extreme debilitating fatigue. Biologically speaking, our bodies are made to incubate babies.
We are also made to run, but training can result in injury. A friend with four children, 6 years and under said her core is in such a state her doctor recommended regularly seeing a chiropractor.
Worth it? Yes. Easy? No.
Read: Why You Shouldn’t Weigh Yourself During Pregnancy
PRO: You don’t need to buy much
We’ve used the same cribs, stroller, infant seats, pack and play, car seats, and high chair with each child. They are still in good condition and within safety guidelines.
Aside from a few gender specific items, we haven’t needed to make major purchases with any baby other than our first. Our things weren’t in the garage long enough to get dusty, let alone replaced.
Read:
- Must Have Products For Newborns
- 8 Useful Ways To Use A Pack And Play
- Best double strollers for Irish twins (or kids close in age)
So basically…
That’s my take on the pros and cons of having babies close together.
Some days I thank Jesus we are all alive to go to bed. Some days run perfectly. Both are real life. Both are worth cherishing.
I found a little toy car in my drink today and laughed.
That won’t happen in 5 years.
I don’t take it for granted.
::
[amffh-sampleroutines]
A great post, sharing your perspective! I have a large gap of 5 years between myself and my sister and 9 years between myself and my youngest sister. There was definitely a few years where we had nothing in common, but it is an interesting dynamic! My first child is almost two and I’m pondering what to do!
Hope I gave you food for thought :) So now, as an adult, are you close to either of your sisters? I chatted to a lady on a plane once who was one of 10 or something with great gaps between her (the oldest) and the youngest. Obviously. But she said she was just as close to the youngest as to the ones nearest her because it was just a tight knit Italian family. I thought it was great perspective!
Yes we are all really close now! Talk on the phone a lot and hangout whenever we can. Lots of fun having all sisters haha.
Love it!
This was very encouraging to see! In July I will have given birth 4 times in a space of 38 months (also one miscarriage) and my body is so messed up at this point, and sometimes I feel like this is all too much. It is wonderful to see someone do it similarly and have such a positive outlook! Thank you!
I love your blog and I can seriously relate. I have four boys, currently 8,7,4,&2. I dream about having a girl all of the time,but can’t imagine being pregnant (not chemically pregnant) again. I feel like I have phantom pregnancies as well and the just thinking about the lack sleep and breastfeeding routine and etc helps calm the urge. Yet, I still believe I can do it. most days do not run smoothly, but I asked God specifically for 4boys and got them. I am reminded of the gift I have been given as they are all so healthy and intelligent. I do get to see that as they age, they are much more mature and willing to help with the small things. Also, I am grateful they have each other to play with.
i have 3 under 6 & expecting another, 1,2,3 years apart respectively. I personally feel the pros outweigh the cons. They play so well together and yes, “running through the fire rather than walking through it” makes so much sense.
as tired, weary & worn out as I am, I wouldn’t have it other way. In fact, i wanted to have #4 sooner, but timing was just off somehow. I’m grateful that I am able to have kids and to see the world in a whole different perspective: i’m not a superhero & I need Divine Help more than I think I do. lolx :)
Ha, you and the rest of us need divine help, Grace!!!! Glad I’m not the only one who thinks the pros outweigh the cons. They are negatives, but still pale in comparison to the positives :)
Love this! For the record, I’m an ESFJ, type-A, love-to-get-my-to-do-list-done, type of women. And mommy to three ages 3, almost-2, and 3 months. I concur with all these pros and cons, and I also think the pros outweigh the cons!
I totally agree that being constantly in baby-mode is easier than switching back and forth between more freedoms (yay! no naps! no diaper bags!) and fewer freedoms (back to naptimes! and diapers!). I guess I don’t know that from experience though – I’d just rather run through the fire and get it done with (though I really do love these baby years).
I agree about back-to-back pregnancies wearing one out. The third one was just plain ol’ hard to go through with the lack of energy! But since I’m in my mid-thirties already, I want to have my kiddos while I at least have some energy left. :)
About not buying as much: if you have your children close together, your maternity clothing will not likely to be out of style from one pregnancy to another. I can justify buying better quality clothing (especially if it also works for nursing) because I’ll probably wear it for more than one pregnancy. (I hope maxi skirts stay in style for the next five or six years – I can wear the same ones no matter the current state of my body!)
Another con is how much time it takes to everyone get ready to go and into the car to go anywhere. That’s probably actually a pro, since I’m not tempted to go out as much. But by the time we finish up whatever activity we are doing, pack the diaper bag, make sure diapers are clean/children have gone potty, water bottles are filled, (hopefully) matching shoes are on the (hopefully) right feet, little arms are stuffed through jacket sleeves and the jackets are zipped up, THEN we get out to the van and everyone gets buckled in and settled, well…. I’m not gonna do all that just for a cup of coffee (unless it’s to meet up with a friend to do so)! I just have to start the process a half hour before we need to leave. It works, and we do get out when we need to, but a lot of times it’s easier to stay home. Any tips on getting out the door with lots of little ones?
Thanks! I’m looking forward to reading the comments!
My husband and I laughed at your con about how long it takes to go anywhere and how, really, that’s a pro because who wants to take that many small kids out? Ha! Love it. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. By the time we get to church on Sunday I feel like I’ve run a marathon. And GREAT point about maternity clothing. I’ve re-used all mine when it was seasonally acceptable. And it isn’t so 5 years ago. Love these!
I agree there are many pros and cons to having children close together and spread apart. I think scheduling, early obedience, and sleep training are just a few things that make having children close together more manageable.
My mantra, Lauren, exactly. If you want it, that makes it possible!
I enjoyed reading this. I have three children that are 3.5, 23 months, and 4 months. I’ve loved having them close together and would like to have another right away, but my last pregnancy was so incredibly difficult mentally and emotionally that I’m not sure I can do it again so soon. I’ve been weighing it in my mind (along with the constant truth that the decision is really not totally in my hands, but God’s) so it was nice to see all these pros and cons together in one place.
Erin, I am telling you I understand the mental and emotional stress. My last pregnancy I told the doctor about the drastic immediate hormonal changes between conception to 2nd trimester and then immediately after delivery and I don’t think she believed me! It’s no joke what the body does, but I agree, God knows the timing and it’s such a miracle to have so many isn’t it?
Your post has been on my mind so much and I want to add another PROS.
having many kids close together forces me to VERY consistent with discipline cause I can see the effect immediately.
One mimics the other and very soon I have 3 badly-behaved kids instead of 1. it is easier to enforce discipline cause if 1 is sent for time-out because of bad behaviour, the others will take heed. or eating veges or NOT having snacks. I don’t have the issues of ‘why big sis can and I can’t” -yet-.
Conversely, it is a lot easier to teach. I sit all 3 together to read or to learn Chinese (ahem) and I firmly believe even the youngest will absorb something, or even to teach something about faith.
so yes, PROS outweigh the CONS.
Love these! I totally agree about the discipline too. They are examples to each other and they are all sort of doing, or not doing, the same things since they’re right there together. Good on you for teaching Chinese!!!! I can speak Italian and some Spanish (both are rusty) but I’m not native speakers so I don’t do it regularly.
This is a great post Rachel. My kids are 13 months apart and I could identify with a lot of what you said. The midwife told I was crazy when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (2nd child). But they have grown up together and I’m glad they are so close, even if at times it was challenging.
Cathy, love hearing this! That’s exactly how I feel, challenging but worth it. How old are your kids now?
My kids are nearly 13 and 14 – their birthdays are in a few months time :-)
I love this post and I really appreciate the sensitivity you have to infertility. My husband and I struggled to get pregnant for 4 years and then decided on adoption. We were chosen by a birth mom and I found out I was pregnant in the same week. Our kids are 6 months apart. One is 21 months and the other is 15 months and I love it! We are so happy to be parents and I really do think it is easier. At first it was very hard having a newborn and 6 month old but now they are buddies and even play together some. I am less stresses than most parents I know mainly because we used baby wise with both of them and they both take long afternoon naps together! I would love the privilege of more children, we’ll see what God wants though! I have definitely learnt that I have no control over this!
Hi Shannon! I was definitely thinking of people in your situation when I put the side notes about infertility. I know it is not so easy to just “get” pregnant. But funny that you chose to adopt then got pregnant, my MIL was a midwife and said that was so so common. Starting the adoption process and then getting pregnant very soon after or during. What a double blessing :)
I would like to just add another thought, that I could not find in your post, Rachel. I really miss the child’s perspective: How is it for a 2,5 year old to be a big brother or sister to two siblings? I had a 20 months old daughter when my twin girls were born. They are 3 and 1,5 now and I love it but almost every day I wonder if I manage to meet the emotional needs of each one of them. Now, there is nothing I could have done about it, as with twins it is: you buy one, you get one free :-) However reading your blog I was just wondering about this aspect. There are definitely a lot of pros, but how is it for the kids, if “we run through the fire?”
Ethel, that is a great point and one I didn’t address because, well, I just don’t know. I honestly think about this quite frequently and wonder if it means my oldest grows up to quick and my middle didn’t quite get to be a baby long enough, etc. I’ve asked friends who have kids similar in age to mind but are older and she said, “They may miss out on some time alone with the parents but they have best friends as siblings.” That may not be the case for everyone, of course. I try to combat this by spending time alone with each child, but again, that’s hard to do when they all need your attention. I guess there truly are pros and cons to every single way you can plan a family. I read a book and the author had 3 kids relatively close and thought they were done. 13 years later they had another child and 8 or 9 years later another. Pros and cons there too. Thanks for this thought!
Ooh sounds like an interesting read! I love reading books about parenting lots of kids, can u share with me the book name and author?
Btw I have two girls and they’re 17 mo apart.
Momo, is it Large Family Logistics?
Oh goodness, yes!! Especially the “everyone calls you crazy while pregnant but steps in to help postpartum.” I was concerned how I would handle my two older kiddos postpartum, but between family and friends, I didn’t have to do much at all those first two weeks. I also have 2 Heaven babies who came before my 3 1/2 year old, so I take the comments with a few grains of salt. Babies aren’t a guarantee, and I’m thankful for the chance to mother my 3 girls.
Great point that they aren’t a guarantee. I often feel annoyed when I hear people say, “Oh, I’ll get pregnant in {month} so I have a {month…} etc. because I think you know… it isn’t always so easy. But praise God for our little ones :)
My mother is 38 and has had 11 children (no multiples) and we’re all closely spaced apart. Yet because there’s so many of us there’s still ended up being a large age gap between the eldest and youngest ones. I’m 21 and the youngest is 1. I grew up with the first 7, but left home and don’t know the other 4. I live 6 hours away.
My first are 11 months and 1 day apart my first was a 26 weeker and we found out the week after he came home from the nicu (he was 12 weeks old) hat we were expecting again but didn’t announce to anyone until 14 weeks when I was having my cerclage surgery ppl thought I was insane (except my Drs surprisingly hah) then I got pregnant on my secon sons first birthday (unfortunately I miscarried) then again 7 months later with our rainbow baby and only daughter who is 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 yrs younger then her brothers. Also got are you insane comments which unfortunately swayed my decision to get my tubes tied when I regret it now. But ours is almost 5 almost 4 and almost 17 months now and it’s my favorite times (although I say that every age hah) even tho our daughter is not walking still
Every age is my favorite too! People live to tell you what to do with your body, don’t they?
YES!!! They so do!! My husband and I got engaged, and immediately it was “so, so, you thinking about kids yet??” and then we got married, and ever since its been “so, so, you pregnant yet???” And i want to scream and tell them that I dont want to have babies just so they can sit back in their chairs and say “Finally!” as if its their right. And yes, I know, i’m letting everyone get under my skin and I’m overreacting…
And I know that if we are so blessed as to have children, and we have one of each, we’ll get the “oh, what a perfect little family, one of each!” comments my mom got after me and my brother were born. The eyebrows went higher and higher and higher the next 3 kids my parents had, but I know neither of my parents nor any of us kids would trade our “large” family for the world! We aren’t really a large family by our own standards. Try 9 kids, like our family friends. But just as much of a blessing!
My husband and I would like to have several children if we can – both of us are one of 5 children, and we think its a great concept to hope for. We are both aware that bodies and genetics and life bring all sorts of other wrenches into things, and are cautious about declaring a number. As my husband says, he’s a different person than he was 5 years ago, so how can he declare something now, when the first couple of kids will change him in ways he can’t anticipate?
All that is probably TMI, or at least too much talk… I wanted to say THANK YOU!!! Its so freeing to hear phrases like that one “people live to tell you what to do with your body” – somehow having it identified helps me to set it to one side after a good eye roll and a sigh, and get on with my life. It eats away at me otherwise.
Do you have any advice for how to respond to people who keep demanding of/judging you according to their expectations for your life? Besides avoidance… I live in a small town – there is no avoiding!! :)
I was 30 when I had my first, and the doctor said if I wanted more I shouldn’t wait to long. I loved having my three girls close together. One pro no one else mentioned… when they fight, they are more evenly matched.
Hahaha Gina. You said it!
Had 3 girls and 1 boy. Baby boy was born 10 days before my oldest turned 4. Wouldn’t change it for anything. I was exhausted for years and I often joke that I’ve blocked how hectic it was from my memory. They were and are the best of friends now at 27,26,25,and 23. We are close! I agree totally with almost everything said in this article.
That will be exactly the spacing of mine after this bum is born. 13 month gap, 15 month gap, and 17 month gap!
My first 2 are 1 year and 1 day apart then 17 months and then 19 months. You work really hard when they are all young and it’s absolutely crazy when they are teenagers. I think I slept less when they were teens then I did when they were babies.
Nicole you were NOT supposed to say that. Ha :)
Oy vie. So close! You’re amazing. :)
My body doesn’t work quite that “efficiently”, but 6 pregnancies, 4 live births, over 3.5 year of nursing, still full….it’s been a dance, these first 7.5 years of marriage. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sweet days, these are. And I’m exhausted, but for a good reason.
ENFJ by the way. :) Gotta get it DONE! I’m becoming more T….all that time with my husband and father. ;) But my brother, a T, says he can tell I’m an F because I feel so bad about being firm. ;)
Ha! Yeah, Rochelle, I don’t feel bad about being firm ;) But I love how we are 3/4 and love to get things done!
Oh sounds like your body is working VERY efficiently!!!! And isn’t it interesting that some people simply can’t get pregnant while nursing, but others are the tales the midwives/doctors tell.. “breastfeeding is NOT birth control!” Ha!
Love this! And love meeting other people with close children like us. We have 3 – 5 yo, 3.5 yo and 20 month old. I agree with all your pros and cons. The comments from people are the most surprising especially from complete strangers. I have all boys, which I love, but that gets negative comments all the time. Being an ENFP, they get to me a bit more. Oh, and I’m also a mother far from home- American living in South Africa.
Kristin, I got engaged in South Africa near Pretoria in the Pilinsburg Game Reserve. Ha :) Yes, the comments are interesting, aren’t they? I read some article the other day about responses to the comment “Boy, you sure have your hands full!” I’m trying to find it, but can’t. Anyway… people do like to share their thoughts don’t they? !
Hi Kristin!
Sorry to randomly comment here, but I wanted your opinion on parenting lots of littles close together as an ENFP! (and Rachel I love that you included your Myers-Brig in your post:) In particular — schedules and consistency! Not a strong point for me. Has it been tough?
Also, my husband is South African and we’re thinking of moving eventually – small world!!
Wow, I don’t think I saw any comments on spacing them farther apart… :-) I’m 31 and I’ve been married for 8 years. My first baby is 11 months old now! I couldn’t imagine having another one right away, although I want at least one more. I thought I missed my period last month and I was very anxious and stressed out and upset. I probably should have discussed PPD with a doctor when summer started because I’m sure that’s what I was going through. I knew my life was so good, my baby is beautiful and healthy and sweet tempered and a great sleeper (yay for Baby Wise!), but I was so sad and angry all the time. At least I’ve been able to hide my emotions from my baby so he gets a mostly happy mommy! I just started the mini pill to hopefully regulate my moods. I’m not type A at all, I don’t think! I just want to be able to enjoy each baby fully, and if I had another one right now I think I would completely fall apart. I’m hoping I’ll be “ready” again in about a year… :-)
Oh Laura, I think there is NO RUSH. Some people feel ready and go for it, others wait and feel total peace. Each family is different!!!! And PPD makes a huge difference in what we’re able to handle emotionally and mentally so guard those emotions and hormones, sister!
I am an ISFJ, btw! I took that quiz you linked to above. Man, it describes me to a T! Did you buy the premium profile? If so, was it worth it? I am so horrible at knowing myself and knowing what to change or how to deal with things better. It’s expensive but maybe it’s worth it! They think I’ll be good at being a parent, at least mostly! :-) Thanks for your blog, I really appreciate it!
Hi Laura, I didn’t buy the premium one because I felt that one fit me to a tee. Isn’t it fun when that happens? I think you can do a few more in and around the web?
I have 3 children. Two girls, 5 & 1 and 1 boy, 3. I agree with all the pros and cons. It is hard work raising children that are all young but very rewarding. No more for me though :-) ive run out of energy!
Once this bun comes out I’m right there with you, I think ;)
I thought I wanted my children close together, until I had my daughter and loved the time we had, one on one, from the very beginning. I want that in some way shape or form for all of my children, so we’re spacing it out. She’s 2 now, we’ll be trying again when she’s close to 3. But that’s just me!
Olivia, I’m glad you brought out this point. One thing I’ve mourned a little is one-on-one time alone with each child when they were very small. Of course I spend time alone with them, but I’ve often had a baby when the one up was still a baby, but to me, the 15 month old was a big kid now. So I see your point and am glad you brought it out in comments for those reading them!
I only have 2, 12 months apart and it was hard work when they were babies. I feel guilty my 1st child wasn’t a baby for very long, he had to share the time with his brother. 8 years later and I love it. They are the best of friends. They have such an amazing bond, the hard times were worth it seeing them together. Oh and we got through the diapers and bottles stage quickly. Bonus!
Thanks for sharing this. I feel that same guilt often that my oldest ones (though still ilttle) never got to be babies for very long because they were displaced. When I had my third my second child was only 15 months and I remember getting frustrated one day when a dear friend said, “Rachel, he’s still a baby too!” and I was like.. oh my goodness… too right!
I had 5 in under 6 yrs and totally agree with ALL of this! Great post! :)
Heather, you’re my hero!!
Great post. Thank you. I had my son July 2013 and my daughter July 2014 and sometimes I feel I’m way outa my league lol. The nice part is we are all growing up and learning together which makes me feel good and I know the four of us (my husband and I and Landon and London) will have created an amazing bond together.
Thanks for the reminder that things will be ok :)
Landon and London. LOVE IT! Yes, I do hope we’ll all be okay, Nicole. :) It’s just a little tough sometimes, eh?
I’m processing my thoughts about this…I’m expecting our fourth in a few months, and they’re all spaced about the same, near two years. With the second, I had hoped for a closer space and it seemed like the 23.5 months we got was FOREVER; with the third, our 26 months seemed about right (though I regret some of the things I did with #2 out of my own fear – I didn’t want him to be a baby still when I had a new one, and I pushed to get rid of some dependencies that he really wasn’t ready for, and as a result I really missed out on the last bits of his sweet babyhood and hurt our relationship); with the fourth, I wanted something closer to 3 years, for my body to recuperate a bit and my littlest to have ample time to clear babyhood, but it didn’t happen and we’re looking at 23-24 months again. My body is regular, that’s for sure! I’m tired (have I mentioned they’re all boys?). It’s a struggle to keep the house anything resembling tidy, keep them all fed and give them the individual things they need, while also taking good basic care of myself and taking time with my husband. My relationships with other people have become limited to structured situations like set playgroups and meetings – necessary, because I am an extrovert and I will go completely crazy without some adult interaction, but there’s little intimacy there and I miss having a close relationship with anyone other than my husband.
There are great things about our family structure – my boys are very close and great playmates, they learn together and teach each other, and they’re very gentle and nurturing to their younger brothers and, by extension, to other babies. People marvel at how my active, boisterous boys will always stop to hold a baby, pick up pacifiers and help the 1yo with his shoes! As far as spacing benefiting them, I don’t know how it could be better. And it is certainly true that you save on maternity clothes and baby gear! But it is hard on the mama, at least in these little years. Yes, there are always fat baby cheeks to kiss and sparkly-eyed toddler giggles, and it is sweet to be the one those small hands are reaching for. I’m sure I’ll miss that terribly, and I’m sad to think I could be too harried to savor the last bits of it. But I’m also encouraging myself with the thought that at least I’ve had them young, and fairly close, and there will be years left for doing the other things that sound so much more appealing at the beginning of another day of constant teaching and cleaning and caring.
Ally, I feel similarly about sometimes having them “grow up” before they were ready perhaps since a new baby came along and displaced them. I suppose there truly are pros and cons to every thing under the sun. Sounds like you are a very thoughtful and loving mom so keep on keeping on!
I had my babies pretty far apart (3.5 and 4.5 years spacing between the 3). I agree with all your pros and cons. I don’t know that my spacing was super intentional–I’m a corporate lawyer at a large firm, and had my first in between lawschool and business school, my second after I had put in a few years at work, and then the last was extra late b/c of recession/job changing issues+ some difficulties. I would have liked to have them closer together, but I would add that if you are having several kids and aren’t leaving the workforce, a little spacing is nice. With an infant now, I love that the 2 older girls can put themselves to bed and get their own snacks. Having an older one to help is AMAZING. I flew to NYC this summer with my 8 yr old and (then) 3 month old and I couldn’t have done it without her–she was in charge of our rolling suitcase, and I handled baby+gear on and off the plane! (As the oldest of 6 kids, all 2 yrs apart, I have no qualms about sharing some childcare responsibility).
Rok I LOVE your perspective here. I actually think you have a fabulous point about spacing when you aren’t planning on coming out of the workforce for long. Imagine having 3 in daycare at once. It’d be so much more stressful than giving the older siblings the opportunity to help out. It is so true that there is no “right way” and spacing wisdom is truly dependent on the family in question.
I have a 6 year old and almost 5… I love that they play together most of the time…I would love any tip on discipline my 6 YO boy since he doesn’t really listen when I Scream my longs out and always hits his younger sister. …
Hi Loris! My oldest isn’t yet 6 so I don’t want to give much advice in case I’m wrong, but I would say that screaming probably doesn’t help and he might even ignore it! I would try taking him physically from whenever you are when he hits her and putting him in his room or some other place for a time. Every single time he does it!!! I know that sounds really annoying, but sometimes it takes a few weeks of consistent response to see any result!
I have six children and I can relate to a lot of the pros and cons; however, not with the help offer. Most friends and relatives can’t relate to taking care of multiple children and do not offer to help often. I also received a lot of rude comments when I was pregnant with baby #3: like, “I hope that’s your last!” For my husband and I our large family is a religious matter (we only use Natural Family Planning), so are open to how many souls our Lord wishes to bless us with. Many Christian communities are like this, like the Amish, so I’m often surprised strangers would be so uncharitable. I recently read a nice comment by Pope Francis about large families: “The fact of having brothers and sisters is good for you…The sons and daughters of large families are more inclined to fraternal communion from early childhood. In a world that is frequently marred by selfishness, a large family is a school of solidarity and sharing; and these attitudes are of benefit to all society.” :)
Kaylan, I often really wonder at people who will say things like that. NO MATTER what on earth they think/feel about it, what possible business is it of theirs if you are on your “last” pregnancy! And I agree about the more the merrier. I was an only child so, perhaps, have opted for more stemming from that. But I’m so happy I did!
I have four babies, and the oldest is 6. I love your perspective on this subject. Thank you for writing.
Glad you liked it! I am in the fire with you :)
My son is 15 months and I’m 26 weeks pregnant with our second planned child; 19 months spacing (I was going for 18 months, not too shabby for something not entirely within my control!). We are already discussing #3 and I am on my last week of work before becoming a SAHM. I will be following your blog and Facebook for sure :-)
Lauren, good luck! I LOVE that they are close together even though some days I think I’m losing my mind. Ha!
Mama! You speak my language! I am so glad I stumbled across this article, needed this read today! My kids are almost 4, almost 3, 1 and 1 (twins) with another on the way! Some reason 5 under 5 seems much more intimidating then 4 under 3 or 4 under 4 (we did both). Thank you for the read. Overall, I look at it as the biggest blessing we can give our children, but I may loose my sanity in the process!!
Thanks for sharing! I have an 8 month old and am leaving the timing of the next one in God’s hands, but I hope it happens soon! In your experience, when each new baby came along, how much more the responsibility on their dad increased? My husband has his own business, works very hard during the day and can’t really handle broken sleep too well in terms of his tiredness levels. It has been fine for us with just one, but obviously the demands on me will increase also and he may need to pick up the slack a bit more.
Kristen I’d say MY need for him to be involved increased, but I technically could handle it all. I needed more space because the demands were more with each child obviously. But having said that ofen I take care of now 4 kids alone often and can do it. It is just a challenge.
My husband and I planned to have 4 kids but we just never planned when they would come. We knew of so many people who struggled to have kids and wanted them to come when they were meant to come – My oldest is 7 years old and my youngest is 2 and I have no regrets. I think small gaps are great for the kids, tough on the parents in the beginning but in the end, it all works out. Watching the kids play together is so heart warming and it makes everything worth it. Also, it helps to have an amazing, hands-on husband :)
Diana, thanks for sharing! I love that phrase, “small gaps are great for the kids and tough on the parents in the beginning, but in the end it all works out!” I am in the thick of it being tough, but I SO love watching them play together. They really are on the same page!
I have 4 under 4!!!! My first 2 are 11 months apart, then 12 months (3 in under 2 years!) then 23 months after that. My youngest is currently 2 mo tha and my oldest will be 4 on the 16th. I love this post and I’m so happy to find another mama as crazy as me ;)
Denessa, we can be crazy together. Hahaha! And irish twinst o boot ;)
I LOVE this! I have two kiddos 14 months apart and am due with my third in October. =) For a month, I will have 3 kids ages 2 and under. I used to be an elementary teacher, so I’m used to a bunch of kids the same age. ;) The only difference is these kids don’t go home–ha! I have so much fun with them, but you’re right. I have to keep on top of things–all the time! The only down time is nap time(thankfully they have the same nap time right now) and bed time. I know this will soon pass, as the little tyke comes along and the big tyke stops napping. However, I’m really trying to embrace the blessings of each stage and really am enjoying all that they’re learning and doing. And they crack me up. All day. I appreciate this fantastic list and all that you shared!
JJ, we are so twins! I was exactly the same as you. 3 under 2 years of age and then for a bit, 4 under 4 years of age. Now I’m 4 4 years and under. It’s way intense and with very little downtime, but it is so fun and I know the fire will subside soon. Ha, at least the “I have to tend to everyone’s hygiene” anyway ;)
Rachel,
Thank you for writing this post! I have always wanted a big family and after my first child was born (a little more than 3 months ago) I knew then I wanted my children close together. Today I found out I am pregnant and although I am happy, I began to worry was this the right decision.
I know having children back to back isn’t for everyone; however, it is for some. Your truthful, funny, and encouraging words were exactly what I needed to hear. I can’t wait for my family to grow as Christ has intended and I look forward to the roller coaster of raising my wee ones.
Raegan, you can certainly do it! The best prayer I’ve ever prayed (in my earthly mind, ha) was for God to always bring the right information or thought or revelation at the right time. It’s amazing that someone would say something off the cuff then, in a few days, I’ll remember it and it’d be a lifesaver. You can do it and definitely look forward to the adventure :)
Hi, I’m thinking about get pregnant again, but the doctor said I have to stop breastfeeding. I want to know if you did.
Thanks
Nope, got pregnant 3 times while breastfeeding ;)
I have a 3 year old son and 2 year old daughter – 14 months apart. Granted I only have 2, but it is so challenging and enjoyable at the same time. I love watching them laugh & play together. Loathe the arguments and tantrums. It’s a tough, tough age. You sound like such a patient lady – I need more of that. Thank you for your article. Nice to hear I’m somewhat in the same boat. Any advice on getting through the 2’s & 3’s sane?
Sarah, I will say that if you put the hard work in early then the 2’s and 3’s are hard, but not horrible. At least that’s been my opinion. Mind you, now my 3rd child is more, shall we say, spirited than the rest :)
Loved it !
read last night and shared with my husband . We have a 7 1/2 m.o boy and we are planing to go for baby #2 next month . I want go all over this crazy diapers / no sleeping stage all once and when they be around 3 y.o I can go back to work full time .
I love been a mom , even with all sacrifices we have to do .
Hi, I just found your blog and am loving it! Are you a military family? I haven’t seen that directly but see there have been lots of moves. About this post….I only have a 5 month old son (and my husband is deploying very soon, so we will have at least a 2 year old before we have another child), but I am curious how/if this affected breastfeeding? Did you breastfeed during pregnancies, tandem feed, or stop when pregnant? I am always curious about this piece. Thank you :)
Hi Lindsay :) No military, but my husband is from another country hence our moving. So, I tried to breastfeed as long as possible. So far this has been 1 year, 9 months (lowered milk supply when I got pregnant and I couldn’t get it back up), 10 months (screamed when baby bit me very hard and could never get him to latch back on, mommy fail and major heartbreak for me), then 12 months. I got pregnant again with this last one (surprise) and my milk was lower then he was biting and I couldn’t get him to feed a lot during the day to build lit back up because he kept biting so I said sayonara. Lots of details, but hope that helps!
I love this post! My husband and I are about to have our second baby and our kids will be close in age (the way we want it), but all of our friends think we’re crazy! I am definitely nervous about having two under two and how chaotic our life will probably be, but I totally agree with you that I want to run through the fire, so to speak. Thank you for your wonderful insights!
Maddie, honestly don’t worry about it. It gets crazy sometimes but you’ll be fine! In fact, I think you’ll love it :)
just found out i am pregnant with my third baby one 12 one 4 months and i am just now 4 week pregnant after reading some of your stories i feel a bit better was starting to think will i manage how is 2 so close togther
Millie, YOU CAN DO IT!
I am expecting #2 any day now. #1 is 20 months. I love your blog. I try to parent my first the way I think I will parent if/when I have a big family. I love reading blogs like yours to get ideas about scheduling, discipline, etc. I daydream about the pros on the list and I put the cons out of my mind because I know I will take the hard things with the consolation of wet kisses, tickles and snuggles. One reason I want kids close in age is because I plan to homeschool. My guess is that there are benefits to homeschooling a gaggle of close-in-age kids rather kids spaced farther apart. I hope it gives school time more of a classroom comeraderie rather than each kid being in a different phase of life. Please keep posting!
Erin, I often think about homeschooling too and hope it’ll be easier with them close in age too :)
I’m 38, I’ve been married 19 years and have 9 children my oldest is 17, 16, 14, 11, 8, 5 year old twins, 2, and 10 months. I get the questions all the time aren’t you done yet, your pregnant again or when are you going to stop. My favorite was when my older children was trying to give away some kittens and made a comment to our neighbor that our cat had gotten pregnant again and she informed my children that the cat was just like their mama. My husbands response to the guys he works with is which one do you want me to get rid of. My children are all so precious and God gave me just the ones He wanted me to have and I don’t know if He’s finished with me yet but to be honest my 10 month old just started walking and I ach for my baby again so I hope He’s not. After you’ve had 5 it doesn’t get any worse it’s actually easier I have older ones to help me.
hahaha the cat like her mama. That is so cute : )
I always wondered if it was best to leave a solid few years between pregnancies but after reading this it’s really helped me think that actually it’s better having the babies close together as then when they’re both in school I can go back to work and really focus on that so thankyou for helping me come to a decision x
Leah, girl I feel you! I told my husband, I’m going to stay home with them and I want a lot of kids so I’ll be out of work for 20 years if I have too many years between. HA!
A great list. I think a lot depends on the personalities of you and your kiddos. I have four – 7, 5, 3, & 1, and will likely tack a fifth onto it at some point, but the timing is still much debated around here. Get the crazy years over with or give myself a little space? Thankfully, my body provides natural spacing – I’m usually unable to get pregnant until my youngest is weaned. My oldest is extremely emotionally needy and had some problems with nightwaking for a long time, that I later learned was due to eczema and then a desire to be close to me. She’s an extrovert, and while she loves her siblings, she definitely felt the less time with mommy with each birth. Dealing with multiple night-wakings at a time (she didn’t sleep through the night until around 6.5, and then you have potty training and nighttime accidents, etc), has been the hardest part. I also don’t do well with interruption. I’m an ISFJ, and while I crave routines, there’s just not much that’s routine around here. I’m not intuitive at all, so when something goes off track, I have a very difficult time not throwing in the towel completely. Also, I should not that my youngest is so much like my oldest that I’m not sure how I’m gonna make it through another one. But we keep on persevering! Thanks for your post – you are one amazing mama!
June, you sound like an awesome mom!!
I have three under 18 months and currently in the thick of it. We couldn’t see anything but benefits when we choose to have them so close. Now with 3 month old twins and an 18 month old I think we were a little crazy ? In our defence twins adds a whole new level of craziness, if I could switch one newborn for a 2 year old I do feel things would be a little easier. Maybe I would get more sleep ?.
Emma, some days I am like OH GOODNESS IT’S MOSTLY CONS. ha ;)
I am a 24 year old mother to 4 children and currently pregnant with my 5th. My oldest daughter was born May 2010 then down the line my oldest son was born April 2012, then January 2014, August 2015, and this year will be our last expected to be born June 2018. So they are all pretty close about 2 years apart. I literally get so much negativity from everyone at work, family, friends, and my ex OB/GYN. I would not trade this for anything, I love all my kids. I love the everyday interactions between my children. My favorite part is seeing how different each child’s personality is.
I’m expecting my fourth and can’t imagine having them so close together! Mine are 11, 7, and 3. I loved having them as an individual baby as they all got to have plenty of one on one attention which is so important to their individual growth. It doesn’t seem natural to have a baby when you have a baby. However, I did start early so I had the time to space them and I breastfed each until mine were 2 and half which is hard to do with multiples. Lots of pros of spacing them out are not listed here… most importantly your body, mind, and relationship with your spouse can recover from the baby stage and you get to go away on holidays and date nights in between, which helps a relationship. I also feel I really appreciate and enjoy the baby stage and I am able to be more present and connected to each individual. If you love the baby stage it’s so nice to be able to experience (and remember it) over 10 + years instead for just a short few. In terms of career I’ve gone back in between all mine so I haven’t had very long time off. But hey to each their own!
Really great post :) I have three under 2 … A boy who will be 2 in August and 5 month old boy girl twins. The majority of people I met when pregnant were horrified at the thought of twins with a 1 year old but there were a few people who said it was a blessing …and I agree with those people! Considering that only a few years ago I was led to believe that I would never have children… I am grateful each and every day for all my little peeps! I saw the hand marks on the window from my eldest and got a little teary thinking they would get higher and then eventually disappear. I
absolutely believe the pros outweigh the cons a million percent! I wouldn’t change anything. Thank you for a very supportive and inspiring post xx
Loved reading this
I have two children under 2 and only 14 months apart
It was hard at the newborn stage but getting easier and easier
Hoping to have another one close but wanting to give my body a bit more recovery time both my babies were 9 pound natural birth by induction and I am a short person haha
It has taken a bit longer after second pregnancy to get back to what I was
Did ur pregnancy take a big role on ur body??
I think it depends on your personality, energy level, health, marriage…. and host of other things.
I just had my second. There is a 8 year gap between my boys due to multiple circumstances.
Before we got marriages we wanted a big family and all close in age. But things didn’t work out that way.
But you know what, i wouldn’t change a thing. Big brother,daddy and me are just mesmerized by the new little guy! We treasure every moment. No chaos. Just a nice, peaceful calm…. :)
As a mum to a 3 yo, 1.5 yo and 5 month old girls, i really enjoyed this! Though while I got all the comments that I was crazy when pregnant with my third, unfortunately I’m still waiting for anyone to give me any help with 3 smallies!! I do love how close the eldest 2 are though and how much they dote on the baby!!
Oh my goodness I LOVE this! My kids are 15 months apart(the youngest is 8 months) and we’ve been praying for a couple months now that the Lord gives us another one soon!!!
I have a a 1yo and a 2yo, 1 year and a week apart. I completely relate to everything you say here! The thing I just can’t deal with is when people watch me with my kids and then ask if I regret it!!! Say what?! Or when people automatically assume it wasn’t planned. I once had a very patronising health visitor say to me “did silly mummy think breastfeeding was a form of contraception” I nearly lobbed a wet nappy in her face!
I love it! It’s intense you’re right, at the end of some days I just want to collapse! The double pram has destroyed my back and a back to back pregnancy has given me numerous health problems. But I see them as a gift to each other. Short term pain, long term gain is the mantra at home! I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I love reading another mom’s perspective on this, but I know I personally prefer space between kids. I have 8 years between my first and second (my first was a big surprise when I was young and not quite ready for parenting). I feel like I was able to enjoy my second so much and really appreciate the baby phase having seen how quickly my daughter got older. I’m now expecting #3 sooner than planned and while I know it will be good for these kids to be closer in age I wonder if I will be able to really savor these baby moments like I did with the first two having 2 under 2. I was really a little bummed that I won’t have more time with my son being the baby. It just goes to show what is a pro to some is a con to others.
Oh Grace, it’s so tough when we don’t get our kids spaced as we’d wanted, right? I remember crying and worrying about the time and attention as well. Since you’ve done the big gap you already know you love that, and this is different so it feels like it may not work out as well. I know there’s a way fro you to feel like you are enjoying BOTH of them even though it’s going to for sure be a busy time!
Hi Rachel, this was really interesting to read and I can completely understand your reasoning for having the kids close together! I’m pregnant with my third, the oldest one is three and the youngest 18 months old. Because I’m a bit torn between wanting a big family and really missing going back to work, exercise, sleep and so on I’m already thinking about when to try for the next baby as we think that four is the perfect number of children for us. My husband isn’t as fussed about the when which makes sense because of course he is restricted a lot less. I loved your walking through fire comparison as it puts my feelings and thoughts in a nutshell! If there will be a fourth one I need it to happen ASAP. I was wondering how you even managed to fall pregnant so quickly? Did you not nurse or stop nursing quickly?
Thanks and best regards,
Rebecca
Omds this has been really usefull my lil one is 1 next week and just found out I’m pregnant again and been freaking out that it’s just too soon.
Financially feel like I wont be able to manage as I just gone back to work from maternity, plus the whole strain on my body.
But after reading this I’m seeing there definitely are alot of benefits, thanks I feel abit less scared
Hi Rachel! Very interesting post, But I write to you since I could not find the answer I was looking for.
I have a 6 month old girl and want to start trying for the second baby. The doctors told me the risk of having a baby back to back is that they can be born prematurely or underweight. This ever happened to you or have you heard if this is a common issue? Honestly is the only thing that worries me ;)
I’m sure if doctors say it, it can be true. Never happened for me though :)
Hi Rachel, how old were you when you had your 2nd last child (4th child)? And how long do you typically wait for your body to recover before trying again? Were any of your subsequent children (2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th) premature?
I’m curious because I had my first child just now at age 38. I would like to conceive again soon but everywhere I go, the recommended 1.5 years (18 months) to avoid premature birth as it can cause health issues for the baby. I would love to just aim to conceive right away and wondered what your experience has been.
I’ve never had a premature baby or underweight baby. They were all very big! I had them all close together, honestly, and if I were to have a do over I’d probably give myself a bit more space between babies :)
Yes. Yes. Yes. To all of this! This makes me feel seen and validated in this rocking awesome and equally exhausting journey of parenting.
My 4th babe is due December 31st and our oldest will turn 4 at the end of January. So for a solid month, we will have a 3, 2, 1, and “0” lineup for kids ages.
Just had baby #2 when baby #1 was 4 years and 2 months. Its definitely been interesting so far ( 4 weeks post partum). We were going to try for a baby sooner but due to health issues we had to postpone. my sister had 4 kids close together in age. Her largest age gap is 26 months. I saw her struggle and just run through the fire as you put it..She mentioned the exact pros that you did but I guess it depends on what you prefer. I wanted a 3 year gap btw my kids, so the older one is not really a baby but not too big either. I also saw my sister not really enjoying each baby before moving on to the next. I wanted to give all my love and attention to my son for at least 2 years of his life. Well we had plenty of time together and its been wonderful.
A con Id say is..bcs of the large age gap, my 4 year old is having a hard time adjusting to not being the sole focus of our attention/love anymore. He also cant play with his sis yet and tries to hurt her sometimes out of jealousy. Shes obviously way too young to understand whats going on. I don’t mind being in and out of baby phase, I loved cherishing my sons baby age and can focus on this new baby when her brother is in school. I have never been good at multi tasking or at least not without losing my shxt lol. My sister is a lot more patient. We do plan to have another one and this time around we’d like to keep an age gap of 2.5-3 yrs simply bcs im 34 and want to get done.