Big Emotions are an everyday reality for mothers with toddlers, preschoolers, and early elementary aged kids. Here are some strategies to help teach your child about emotions and how to cope.
“You’re acting crazy!” my son said to me.
“I am,” I replied, “you are right.”
See… that’s a family term around here for when Big Emotions take us over. That we’re “acting crazy.” It’s not used as an insult or put down, but a term to describe frustration, pitching fits, whining, or just being all over the place.
Perhaps I could have used a more PC term, but there you have it.
Big Emotions can make kids think a lot of things:
- that if they get in trouble you’re mad at them or don’t love them (not true)
- that they’ll never get to do the thing they want to do (not true)
- that letting another sibling go first means you favor them (not true)
- that life isn’t fair (basically true)
Let’s come back to one of my beloved phrases on emotions by Elizabeth Gilbert…
Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.
Of course, we don’t have to be slaves to our emotions, but emotions are powerful things and, if we don’t understand them or where they come from, we can feel thrown to and fro by the wind. Our children moreso since they are little. This is why it’s a good idea to teach emotional intelligence to your kids.
What's in this post...
How to Talk to Your Kids About Emotions
So if you have kids who are frequently melting down, pushing the boundaries, or reaching out of proportion, this is for you.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn MoreTalk in Times of Non Conflict
The worst time to try and teach your children about emotions is when they are flipping out. If they’re on the floor kicking and screaming, you are not going to be able to break through and talk rationally.
This is true with adults as well. This is why, in the moment, you don’t have to make them feel better. You can just let the feel.
The best time to teach kids about and how to process their emotions is during a peaceful time when tension is not high. Then, with enough talk, they’ll be able to access your teaching when they need it. The other night at 7:30 p.m. after a long day my son was acting very very out of control.
Finally, as he threw his John Deere tractor in his toy bag, he said dramatically, “I’m acting so crazy because I’m soooo tired.”
I get it, son. Moms get tired too.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn MorePlay a Game, Read a Book, or Get Creative
The other morning during a calm spell we took out their new Moodster toys (from Toys ‘R Us). One was The Moodsters Feelings Notebook with crayons. This was a hit that day and has been ever since. They even colored on it during church.
The idea is that kids can journal their feelings or get them out on paper. I asked my son to draw what anger looked like to him and he made a big lightning bolt.
We used this activity as a way to talk about each of the particular feelings in the notebook (happy, sad, loving, angry, and afraid) and what might cause those feelings.
I’m not saying we had a Renaissance Worthy Philosophical Talk, but the kids engaged and I could tell they understood.
The other thing the kids have been carrying around is the red doll, Razzy, above. When squeezed it says things like, “I’m really angry!” It helps normalize emotions. When I told my son it was okay to be angry he wanted to talk more.
Does getting angry get you in trouble?
Can you do anything when you’re angry?
Is being angry reason to hit or stab your sibling with a plastic IKEA fork?
The Talking Plush character goes along with a sticker book you can do during structured activity time. It has an accompanying book that opens the conversation for a lot of topics on emotions.
I truly believe the more you normalize emotions and talk about them, the less power they have over you. Both for mamas and kiddos.
Don’t Overreact or Take it Personal
Mothers tend to take their children’s behavior personally. As though our children’s every move is a reflection of our worthy or value as a parent. It is not. Kids do things they want to do when they want to do them and sometimes (basically all the time) it has nothing to do with us.
Of course we have the duty and privilege to give our children boundaries and teach them about life. Naturally, good parenting produces good fruit and “bad parenting” produces bad fruit. But no matter what type of mother you are, your children will do Weird Stuff because they are their own people.
Knowing this will allow you to keep a grip on your emotions so you don’t join into the meltdown fray.
Watch Yourself and Be an Example
I love using myself as an example to my kids. And some days, boy, we have a lot of good Teaching Moments. I don’t pretend to be Aemotional. I have feelings. They are strong.
I am a Type A mom and my kids know it.
I make frustrated noises and say things like, “Why doesn’t technology just flipping work??!!! Why???!!!” The kids know that I think emoting is okay.
Not sharing emotions in a way that hurts others. Not shaming others or causing them to feel bad about themselves. But being a reasonable person who has real emotions and tries to deal with them healthily. The kids will learn by observing with you and doing life in your family.
You have to teach kids by example, not just with words. More is caught than taught.
Make it a Part of Normal Life
Around here we make emotions part of normal life. This is the key to raising kids who don’t have completely overflowing emotional basements. They need to know it’s okay to be who they are, but they still need to be respectful.
That it’s alright to Feel All the Feels, but that doesn’t mean they can just do what they want.
In fact, it’s good to remind them and ourselves that sometimes frustration turns us into better adults. Self-control is taught and caught by teaching our children to understand what they feel, why they feel it, and how best to respond.
Even when they’re going nuts.
Even when you’re going nuts.
These are, as they say, Teachable Moments.
::
I have a three year old who struggles with anger. So do I. He’s also easily frustrated and tends to give up easily. I’ve tried to get him to calm down using breathing techniques I learned when I used to teach yoga years ago. We’ll see if it works in the long run. Love your blog.
Deep breathing is a great idea, yes. Thanks for sharing!!!
I have three children. The oldest two (5,3) show emotions in quite different ways. The oldest shows his emotions by whining and crying. He cries at the drop of a hat…over what seems to be silly stuff. Ex: the other night we had hotdogs and hamburgers. They both like hotdogs, but the oldest was joking about the middle wanting a hamburger. The middle simply said, ” No I don’t. I like hotdogs.” When the tables were turned the oldest broke down in a teary fit. The middle child on the other hand is aggressive with more hitting and pushing. The youngest (1) is pretty laid back. His biggest emotion is tantrum! :)
Oh I’ve got some like this too. ha. The things that make them cry now these sweet ones… we’ll all get a good laugh in 10 years ;)
Great post! I have to look into the Moodsters. My son has a hard time dealing with bring embarrassed.
Yes, I have a son like this too!
How do I get the email series you mention? Ps- Wonderful blog!
Hi Noel, if you click on the image at the bottom or where it says ‘click here’ it should give you a place to sign up :)
Loving this blog! I have a three year old that struggles with anger, and a 6 year old that struggles with whining and complaining. I have definitely been guilty of not being a great example in how to express feelings ( recovering stuffer!) and am really working on learning better tools to help my children understand, accept and express their emotions in healthy productive ways! (And myself ;)
I have a 4.5 year old that struggles with anger, and an almost 3 year old that just squawks. Loud. We call her the pterydactyl.(sp?) If anything is not how she wants it we hear the squawk, and I need to do better at not raising my voice over her when trying to get her to use her words!
I have a 4 year old that deals with frustrating not well if she can’t do something she gets upset and if I ask her if she needs help she says no so I deal with this all the time as I’m not sure how I also I’m fostering my 8 year old new ice witch has been trying at times she does some weird stuff like playing jump rope with a towel in the bathroom at 9 on a weekend after a bath when her cousin is sleeping I need some help to get control as I’m not sure what to to do and I’m super tired all the time with the yelling and fighting in the house how do I get some peace of mind thanks
I have a 1 half yr old boy, a 3 year old boy and a 10 year old daughter.
I struggle so much to not loose my cool by yelling or throwing or even saying things that are not okay.
And now Ive noticed that my 10 yr old is doing the same thing. She is so impatient with her younger brothers and I feel guilty. I tell her often that she needs to help them do things by talking to them showing them, but I think I need to follow my own advice so she can learn from that as well.
As for my boys they love to scream, they love give me a sad face when they are sad so that I know how they feel. So they got the hang of expressing their emotions, its just getting them to understand it and to deal with it that I need to work on!
Empower your child with emotional intelligence through our interactive platform. Teach kids emotions in a fun and engaging way today!