Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom

We’ve talked about the positives of the phlegmatic Calm + Steady mom, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles. If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours.

A few people said they had a hard time deciding which personality they had between two choices, so I think this week will help. I’m going to give specific and actionable tips on overcoming the struggles of each of the temperaments as they relate specifically to mothers.

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Are you a phlegmatic mother? Here are some ways to overcome your struggles with temperament and be a happier mom.

You are introverted, calm, steady, and easy going. Easy to get along with, loyal, and a person genuinely interested in others you are fairly resistant to stress and anxiety. The Calm + Steady mom is quick to apologize, empathetic, and diplomatic.

You’re an excellent listener, supportive, and nearly immune to anger.

You struggle with passivity.

Because you are go with the flow and rarely amped up, passivity can be a struggle for you. This will become obvious as you have more responsibilities and duties to perform, but find motivation hard.

Find an accountability partner. If you have things you struggle to start/continue/finish, find a friend who does not struggle with that, and ask her to help keep you accountable.
Do the big things first. When you start your day, practice doing something undesirable before relaxing. Instead of play first, work later, find a better play/work balance.
Choose restrictive entertainment times. Instead of allowing yourself unlimited leisure time, choose blocks during the day or week and relax fully during those times. At other times, get things done.
Make some commitments. The Calm + Steady mom struggles with activity, but by committing to one (or a few, but not a lot) of causes you truly believe in, you will be motivated to follow through.

You struggle with disciplining your kids.

It isn’t that you don’t want to. I know. Phlegmatic Calm + Steady moms struggle with discipline because they don’t like confrontation or uncomfortable situations.

They’d rather admit they are wrong – even if they aren’t – to avoid fights or negative feelings.

Establish some house rules and explicit consequences for breaking them. Explain these thoroughly to your children and, when they don’t follow through, enact your consequence. If this goes on autopilot for you, it’ll be less of a struggle.
Stay connected to your children. Talk about their emotions and attitudes. If you are in tune with them it’ll be easier for you to discipline them instead of avoiding the issue.
Don’t rely on your spouse to do it all. Read the 7 words you should never tell your child.

You struggle with people pleasing.

Whereas other people struggle with people pleasing because they want everyone to like them, you struggle with it because you hate conflict.

You’ll fairly well do anything to avoid a fight. Sometimes this means giving people what they want even if it isn’t right or goes against your wishes.

Read The Best Yes. This will help you break out of people pleasing and get in tune with what’s wise for your own life.
Instead of avoiding all thoughts of conflict, play out likely scenarios in your head. The more you rehearse and prepare, the calmer you will be. The more you engage in proper and mature conflict resolution (even with kids!) the easier it’ll be.
Create boundaries for yourself. Whether it’s “taking a minute” from your kids or just learning to say “no.” Write down where you struggle to please others and create a clear plan of action for the next time you know it’ll happen.
Stop saying what you think others want to hear. It is hard, but you can start this by being silent. Instead of agreeing with what you don’t agree with, say nothing. When you’ve mastered that, go one step further and share your own opinion, even if you know they won’t love it.

You struggle with finding hobbies and interests.

Because you tend to go where life takes you, there are probably few interests that you are passionate about and call your own. This doesn’t matter much in youth, but as you have become a mom and already have limited time to yourself, it’s important to find things you love.

You will naturally default to entertainment or relaxing, but that isn’t always fulfilling.

Find a hobby that fits well with your motherhood lifestyle. Here are more for non-crafty moms.
Join a class where you learn something new or meet new people. Whether it’s a MOPS group, an art class, or even a running club, get out of your comfort zone.
Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to know more about or do, and one by one, begin to explore something new. Find value in learning something else, not necessarily mastering it.

You struggle with confrontation.

Confrontation is your worst enemy and you’ll do almost anything to avoid it. Unfortunately (but really fortunately) you can’t avoid conflict in marriage or parenting.

Even though it makes you uncomfortable and want to run for the hills, you have to meet it head on.

Instead of thinking about conflict as a “fight” think about it as a meeting of hearts. With children you’ll need to do things they don’t like. Same in marriage. Knowing you have the best in mind for your family will help you not to escape.
Reward yourself for initiating a confrontational conversation. After you’ve sat down your husband or child and had a hard talk, do something nice for yourself. Incentive works well.
Understand that being assertive in certain areas doesn’t mean you’re domineering and controlling. You are not used to standing up for yourself, so accept you’ll feel uncomfortable at first.
Don’t brush things under the rug. It doesn’t work.

You struggle with decision making.

You’d rather others make decisions for you than have to do the muddy work of deciding for yourself because, hey, what if it doesn’t turn out well?

The burden of responsibility is a large one for the Calm + Steady mom, and it doesn’t come naturally.

You’ll feel more free and in control of your own life by adopting a few simple principles.

Decide to decide. If there are issues that must be decided, write them down and give them a date. If the date comes and you don’t know, just choose. Though you don’t “feel” very stressed, unmade decisions weigh heavy and create stress that will find an outlet.
Ask for advice from others. The Bible says that without wise counsel, plans fail. Ask your pro-active go-getter friends for their opinion and, once facts are gathered, just make the best choice.
Fight perfectionism. Often the calm person will feel that it’s better not to start than to get in there and not be sure how to finish. Fear of failure is huge. Know that most things can be fixed, and just start.
Ask your spouse for help. If there are some decisions you feel are not yours to make, put them on your spouse’s plate and ask that he take them. If he disagrees, work together to find a solution.
Institute a family planning night where you discuss what’s happening within the family. This will help show you where decisions must be made, and you can navigate it together.

If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!