We’ve talked about the positives of the melancholic Strong + Deliberate mom, so here are some ways to make the best of your personalities and overcome your struggles. If you are new here, go back and read the four mommy temperaments to determine yours. Post contains affiliate links.
- Strengths of the Confident + Take Charge Mom
- Strengths of the Fun + Energetic Mom
- Strengths of the Strong + Deliberate Mom
- Strengths of the Calm + Steady Mom
A few people said they had a hard time deciding which personality they had between two choices, so I think this week will help. I’m going to give specific and actionable tips on overcoming the struggles of each of the temperaments as they relate specifically to mothers.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
This week I’m going to write on:
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Strong + Deliberate Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom
You are introverted, logical, analytical, and reserved. Many melancholic Strong + Deliberate moms are gifted in various areas, self-sacrificing, well organized, and great at gathering information and research.
You are creative, capable, and a great thinker and planner.
Read more about your strengths here…
God created us in a certain way and out of those strengths you bless your children, family, and friends. However, sometimes our greatest strengths are also weaknesses, and the life of a mother (particularly a stay at home mom) can be difficult for the melancholic Strong + Deliberate mom for different reasons than other personalities.
Here are some of the struggles you might be having, and some tips to overcome them.
What's in this post...
You struggle with perfectionism.
Because you have such strong ideals and standards, you struggle with wanting things to be perfect. Because of this, you often fail to act since you are worried it won’t be quite good enough.
This can be tough for you, and particularly for those around you who worry you don’t think they measure up.
While you will always be a person who shoots for excellence, you can learn to stop the paralysis that often comes with the desire for things to be “perfect.”
- Adopt the motto, “Excellent is better than perfect.“
- Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if this wasn’t perfect?” If the answer is you feel embarrassed or inadequate, this could be pride speaking.
- Give yourself time limits. If you are ruminating on a project or idea, set a deadline and do it. Do not let perfectionism become procrastination because the freeze is even colder.
- Get a second (or third or fourth) opinion. Ask others if it’s “good enough.” You’ll be surprised at their answers.
You struggle with relaxing.
Because you are idealistic, stubborn, and tenacious (great qualities when applied toward the right things) you find downtime hard.
There is a lot to do and it won’t get done well if you don’t step in so you can easily become frustrated. Relaxing and learning to develop a positive outlook will improve your day to day by leaps and bounds.
- My post on Type A women married to Type B men will help you learn to relax more in your marriage.
- Take up some hobbies (for crafty moms and non crafty moms) that require your focus and attention. Don’t let them become pursuits of perfection, but simply to release steam.
- Exercise. Your temperament is prone to illness and lethargy, so be sure to get in some type of exercise a few times a week.
- Find new practical and natural ways to relieve stress.
You struggle with being too sensitive.
This is a tough one for you. You truly care what others think and how they perceive you. Because you are naturally suspicious and try to find hidden words and meanings (even if there aren’t any) you can often feel rejected.
Additionally, since many Strong + Deliberate moms are more reserved and withdrawn, this can come across as aloof and snobbish which means others may react in ways that further hurt you. You know the truth!
- Read the bestselling book “I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t!)“
- Learn to share your feelings well. When you are able to ask someone for clarification, dig deeper into why you’re hurting, and communicate with others about this you’ll often find people did not mean offense.
- Get out of your comfort zone more. By removing yourself from “comfortable” situations you’ll broaden your horizons, experience, and increase your capacity for feeling uncomfortable.
- Learn to stop taking offense. It’s so hard, but so worth it. This book, The Bait of Satan, will help.
You struggle with unrealistic standards.
If you are only imposing standards on yourself, you may be okay for a time. But as a mother, you quickly realize your standards aren’t that realistic.
It makes you perpetually disappointed and frustrated that your children can’t quite live up to what you want or need them to do. This hurts you and them.
- Learn to evaluate and better manage your expectations. Expectations should be realistic.
- Read books, talk to others, and find out commonly agreed upon norms. This may help you to see that your children or husband are not “behind” but on target. They do not have to perform like Olympians to be doing very well.
- Think about how you feel when you don’t meet your own standards. Imagine your child standing in front of you feeling that way. Oh no! Work hard to not communicate your feelings inappropriately to your children.
- Learn to praise your kids well. This will help immensely with your feelings toward their behavior and their feelings towards you.
You struggle with negativity.
Negativity, cynicism, and pessimism can be lifelong struggles for the melancholic Strong + Deliberate mom. It’s hard for you to master these emotions, and you surely don’t want them to permeate your home.
While you may always be a tad “glass half empty” you can learn to cultivate a more positive outlook.
- Start a gratitude journal. Here is a good one. This will help you to focus on the positives.
- Look at the bright side. When you start to feel down or negative about a situation, think of 3 positives that go with it. If you do this consistently in the moment, you will naturally begin seeing more positives.
- Learn to release your anger better so that it doesn’t bottle up and explode.
You struggle with disappointment.
Disappointment is a heart breaker. Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). Because of your natural idealism and hope for excellence in yourself, you extend it to others and situations far outside of your control.
Therefore, you’re often left feeling less than. Disappointment will sour and turn quickly into bitterness and resentment if it isn’t dealt with.
- Count your blessings. Using the gratitude journal or just in conversation, appreciate the positives.
- If you feel a huge sense of disappointment, write down the individual things that have disappointed you or cause you strife. Then, one by one, do what you can to change that situation. Things that are out of your control, you must let go.
- Find some bible verses that speak to your heart about hope and life. Here are some great ones.
- Develop perseverance. Instead of stewing in your hurts, choose to embrace the path you are on (or a new one) and actively find its positives.
If you aren’t sure this is your personality, scroll to the top and read the 4 temperaments’ strengths. This week I will address the struggles of all the temperaments so stay tuned!
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Confident + Take Charge Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Fun + Energetic Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Strong + Deliberate Mom
- Overcoming the Struggles of the Calm + Steady Mom
This was uncomfortable to read, probably because it’s so true! I struggle with expectations. It’s hard to know whether you’re setting the bar too high or too low as a parent. Since I know my default setting is “too high,” chances are I need to back off a bit when I start questioning my approach to something.
I often call myself a recovering perfectionist. Getting over that mentality is such a work in progress. When I can use my perfectionism for good, the results can be amazing (e.g., cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 20). When I get stuck in it … well, it’s bad for me and usually everyone around me. Through journaling and counseling, I have made progress in this area but I suspect it’s something I’ll *always* have to work on.
I believe this personality type is more vulnerable to burnout than most, and because our standards are so high, we often force ourselves to power through the grind until we’re falling apart.
Oh I believe it about the burnout, Ashley. You have an “excellence” personality which SERVES YOU SO WELL and yet also hurts you if it’s not guarded with wisdom. But hey, if you read the rest of the week we all have our own struggles to overcome, so don’t feel discouraged by any means. Your family is blessed to have you!
I agree with Ashley. I am much the same way about perfectionism, expectations, and burnout. I am also prone to wallowing in disappointments. I need to rein that in. ;-)
Before reading this I was still questioning if it was the right fit for me…and it is!! I’ve always set my expectations too high until recently. We are currently going to classes to become members of our Church (this has helped me SO much!!) and since then I am finally aware of myself and what I need to change.
My Mother is always telling me to rest and I’ve always been told that I’m too hard on myself. Thank you for this post!! I am going to take all of your suggestions and put them into action!!! Xoxo
Sarah, woohoo. I really hope you start experiencing some peace after you lower your standards because – even though you’ve lowered them – they’re probably still really high. Ha ;)
Wow! Each and every section of this described me perfectly. I have a long way to go but I am ready to make some changes not only for myself but especially for my children.
Meghan, oh we ALL have a long way to go!
Perfectionism, disappointment, unrealistic standards…Oh yes, this is me. :) (As if I didn’t know before.)
Ha, oh no :( We’ve all got em!
For me I’m trying always to make a better life for my family and relieve burdens from my husband and kids. But with that’s I find I’m having to choose between my college career and time with them. I want to avoid feeling that way but also be able to do both at the capacity that I want. It’s just not possible in my head because I also work part time so it’s like I have to choose one thing or the other then I’m left feeling guilty when I know I have to neglect time with the family to study for an exam and if I do terrible on the exam I regret neglecting them just to do terrible!
Ashley, I was thinking just yesterday, that we pretty much must choose 2 things to do well at. If we don’t care if we do anything great, we can do more. If we really want to knock things out the ballpark (like being a good mom) we can only do a few. I could be wrong, of course, what do I know, but for my personality… I must limit my ambitions. If I do that, I feel satisfied. If I overextend my expectations, I feel like a failure.
I am this one to the T and I find that scary. Now I know the problem i need to do better about praising my little girl. She is the take charge sort. Thank you for these articles. Please pray for me as I seek God’s help with this. Thank you!
Kerri, I am praying right now that you give yourself grace as a mother! Especially if you are a strong + deliberate mom I bet you are very hard on yourself when you are already doing a fantastic job!