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After I had my first child my grandmother gave me some sage advice.
“Start out how you can hold out,” she said.
Wise wise words. It has become a philosophy in our house and affected many parenting decisions we’ve had to make. Start out how you can hold out means not creating habits that don’t serve you well. It means not necessarily taking the shortcut if that starts a behavior you’ll only have to correct later. It means not doing something that will inevitably exhaust you and rob you of all your emotional and physical resources.
It’s the antithesis of credit card parenting.
Think of “start out how you can hold out” in light of certain behaviors that can easily become habits. These may (or may not including your own household, values, and principles) be behaviors to think about beforehand:
- allowing backtalk
- buying treats every time you go shopping
- letting kids play on your phone or with other screens
- offering the pacifier (I love the pacifier – particularly this one – but do not go in and put it back in at night)
- feeding or rocking a child to sleep (great for bonding but long term is a difficult habit to break)
- allowing children to get out of their beds when they choose
- letting them refuse meals and then preparing something else (see how to avoid dinner time battles)
- giving them snacks to pacify their mood
Thoughts on “start out how you can hold out.”
1) Avoid behaviors that could become bad habits.
Word on the street is that habits can form after doing something only 21 times. Well, since we do a few things for our children around, oh I don’t know, 45 times a day, behaviors can turn into habits quickly. You can do one unhelpful but convenient behavior a few times a few weeks in a row and – bham – nasty habit formed. One such example is nursing or rocking your baby to sleep. Now I’ve nursed all my babies and love it. And I love all the hugging, rocking, and kissing I can squeeze in. However, I am also a firm believer in putting your children into their crib awake (drowsy, but awake) so they can learn to put themselves to sleep. (Of course nursing to sleep is not a problem unless it’s a problem for you.)
If you nurse a baby to sleep for one week, that’s over 50 times that you’ve done it. Think about doing it for a few months… that’s over 500 times you’ve consistently done the same behavior. The baby depends on it and needs it and, soon, you are unable to keep up that intensity any longer because you’re exhausted. We’ll necessarily do things differently for our children at different developmental stages but keep in mind that what you do consistently will become the norm.
2) Kids get used to things and don’t want to change.
Even adults hate change so why wouldn’t children? There are lots of little things you do that kids will get used to and consequently become “dependent” on. This is not a bad thing in itself, as routine does bring security. In fact, there’s a lot of good in doing things consistently. Bedtime routines, chore routines, and rhythms your family adopts will have a positive and beneficial effect on your kids. But, depending on the behavior at hand, it may be something that’s a lot harder to stop than to start.
Take negotiation, for example. I found myself a few months ago knee deep in negotiations with two of my 4 kids. All day they wanted to argue with my instructions and I felt so frustrated. I zoomed out (something I’m a big fan of) and realized that I’d begun letting them negotiate. It was frustrating for everyone and I simply couldn’t keep it up. In the moment at first it seemed easier letting them argue with me instead of enforcing the instruction, but later it became overwhelming as the kids had gotten out of the habit of obeying me without a lot of cajoling.
3) It’s not about right and wrong, it’s about sustainability.
Everyone on earth is unique. That is a blessing from God and who would want it any different? Since we are all different and our family dynamics vary, there will be some things you do that I don’t do and some things I do that you wouldn’t. Aside from neglect and abuse, I think many areas of parenting come down to your personal and family priorities, values, and preferences. Most of the tips I suggest here are not what I think is the only way, but simply, what I have found to be the easiest way.
I don’t mean easy in the short-term. I mean easy in the long-term. And those are two very different things. By starting out well and setting a good pace, I’m positioning my child and myself to “succeed.” If I start a marathon sprinting I simply won’t make it far without injury and likely will never finish.
4) Hard work always comes at the front end.
Time and time again I’m reminded that the shortcut is rarely the better way. What we do in the moment that seems convenient is often just putting of the hard work until later. That’s a little thing known as credit card parenting. Rarely is it a good idea to take the easy way now and put the hard yards off. Plant first, harvest later. Now, something I consider to be annoying may not even phase another mother so understand, this is all relative. The point is that if you begin working towards your goal immediately, you’ll arrive sooner.
We all do it. We all take a few shortcuts here, there and end up in a habit with our children that drives us bonkers. It can happen at any stage of life with children of any age. If we just keep the idea “start out how you can hold out” in the back of our minds from Day 1, or starting now, then we’ll likely avoid having to correct undesirable habits later.
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Rachel
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Maria says
When I read you it seems easy, but when your baby has colic everyday I feel the only option is to rocket him.
How can we set good habits then? >He has also reflux so he cannot stay in the crib.
Rachel Norman says
Maria you are too right, there are certain medical considerations that make it difficult to do what we’d conside “best case scenario.” Do the best you can, girl, colic will pass and you can get your baby into a different sleep habit then.
Alex says
I noticed you said you dont go put the pacifier back in, what if they start crying? Right now my 1 year old is going to bed early, sleeping much better thanks to your advice. But, he will still wake one to two times a night crying. I go in and put the pacifier in and walk out, he goes back to sleep.
How can I correct this? How do you handle a crying baby at night?
Rachel Norman says
So what I usually do is sort of go back in once or so to put the pacifier back in then when I notice they want it a lot… I take away the paci. Bad mom I know. Usually happens around 1.5 or so for us
Diana says
My four-month-old keeps waking for the pacifier. Usually one to three times a night. I’m not sure how long to let her fuss/cry without it, and the doctor recommended continuing to use it until at least 6 months. Help!
Rachel Norman says
Diana, I give it to my babies if it’s only rarely. Once an hour, no, once or twice, sure. If it helps them get back to sleep without feeding and you know it’s just that I do it. Then I worry later about breaking that habit!
Cari says
How do i break the rocking habit? My baddy is 5 weeks old, and I feel that we started this bad habit because of reflux. Now as soon as I put him down, he’s back up fussing unless I rock to full sleep.
Rachel Norman says
Cari, really there is no easy answer. You stop it by stopping it :(. You can rock him until drowsy, however, and then put him down and shhhh him, pat him, sing to him, etc. so that he knows he’s not “alone.”
Elena García Beltrán says
My 6 month old is now spitting the pacifier out (and crying like mad) clearly to grab my attention at bedtime to see her go to bed (never got into the habit of rocking or nursing). She sleeps through the night almost every night but if she wakes up, I only have to put the pacifier once and goes back to bed. At what age are they supposed to be able to look for the pacifiers themselves in the crib? The pacifier clearly gets out while she’s asleep and I don’t know if she is too young to be able to look for it.
Should I stop using the pacifier?
Keri says
Hi there! I love your advise and did almost all of the same things with my first! We just had our second a month ago and we are having a bear of a time. He spends all of his time breaking free of the swaddle and he has very bad gas issues and will not sleep laying down flat on his back. This has obviously stopped us from being able to swaddle and put him in his crib as we did for our first. Any advise for this very tired and overwhelmed mama? I will take any :)
Gillian says
Hey Rachel!
When do you think it’s too young to switch to a crib? I have my 2 week old sleeping in a dock a tot next to me for night and she sleeps in for naps. She is swaddled for all sleeps. But lately it seems like she wakes more when i am next to her. I feel like she’ll sleep better in her own room but i know the recommendations is for the baby to stay with you or in your room for 6 months. I just don’t think i can sustain that. Let me add – i also have two sons. One 4 and the other 2. Thank you!
Stephanie says
Rachel,
My three week old will cry for the pacifier, but will drop it out of her mouth quite often, to the point where I sit next to her to hold it in her mouth during the day. At night, I constantly get up out of bed to put it back in her mouth. If she doesn’t have it, she cries. Can you please give me advice on how to handle this?
Thanks,
Stephanie
Sarah says
Hi Rachel!
Question….my 3 week old loves his paci, but I usually have to put it back in about 10 or 15min into his naps, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a row. I also have to put it back in a few times at night. I want to set myself up for success, as my previous baby wound up waking 15 times per night for the paci by 3 months old! Would you just go to him and pat him, etc, while he fusses instead of replacing the paci and hope he learns to go back to sleep without it? Or should I just wait and only do something if it gets worse? I would love to just let him learn to self soothe but feel like he can’t as he is swaddled right now…everything I’ve read says to do this til he is at least 4months old though, and I’m worried about how bad things will get up until then! I’d like to move him out of our room before then as well, but won’t get any sleep if I’m walking back and forth all night. So basically, is he too little to not replace the paci? Does it matter if he’s swaddled? If not, how would I do it? Thanks!!