Inside: Weâve already covered the 7 words a mom should never say to her kids⌠now hereâs a word weâd all do well to cut out of our vocabulary. There are some expressions we simply shouldnât use with our kids. This is one of them. Shame on you is one of those phrases we shouldnât use.
I head a big scream, a door slam, then a lot of crying.
Real crying, not the fake manipulative kind.Â
My husband came down the hall to put another child to bed when I asked him what was wrong. He said our son had screamed very loud and forcefully at an elderly family member so, since bedtime was imminent, heâd sent him to his room early.
This is our son with big emotions, who can be a master whiner, and a perfectionist. Heâs hard on himself, but heâs not mean-spirited. I went to investigate. I found my son on the chair in his room whimpering.
I went to him and pulled him near for a big hug (Cuddling is good for kidsâ brains, didnât you know?). I waited a minute then asked as casually as I could, âWhat happened, son? Whyâd you scream in her face?â
Then he adopted that defensive tone and said, âBecause she told me âshame shame shame on me.'â
Ahhh, I said. Thatâs why.
Because Iâve had good long talks with him about our actions and our âselves.â  Even at his young age, he knew that feeling ashamed of himself was not good. Even if âshame on youâ was just an expression.
Why âShame On Youâ Is Not A Good Idea
According to Brene BrownâŚ
Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.
Of course âshame on youâ is just an expression to show disapproval for oneâs actions. The user isnât actually trying to heap shame on the listener, but itâs often the body language and emotional cues that accompany the expression âshame on youâ that are actually damaging.
And Iâm not being dramatic.Â
Shaming Focuses On Their Personhood Not Their Actions
Our kids will do things they should not. Both childish things and foolish things. Theyâll push the boundaries and test whether or not weâll follow through on our words. This is right and good and normal and exhausting.
The key is to help children understand the consequences of their choices. Cause and effect. Sowing and reaping. This is how we go about not raising kids with victim mentalities.
When we shame them, we arenât focusing on how they can make a better choice next time, weâre focusing on why theyâre bad for doing what they did. Itâs the wrong way to go about it and, furthermore, it doesnât have the desired effects.
We are reasonable moms, letâs figure out how to respond to negative behaviors without screwing up our kids. More than the normal amount, anyway.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young childâs life. These âI Am Feelingâ cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn MoreShaming Creates âNot Good Enoughâ Syndrome
None of us want our children to develop an inferiority complex. We surely donât want to be the cause of their emotional struggles and insecurities. Kids are born curious. They want to know whatâs right to do and whatâs wrong to do and they respond well to praise. When you focus on a childâs actions, they understand how they can improve next time.
By saying things like âshame on youâ or âwhy would you do that?â with a disgusted look and tone, they feel they are somehow wrong. Then, when theyâre busy internalizing their inadequacy, there is no room to teach them what you wanted them to know in the first place.
Theyâre too busy feeling ugly feelings to understand that itâs their actions that upset you at the start.
Shaming Confuses a Child
When we shame children we can actually confuse them. Instead of calmly explaining why what they did was wrong, weâre saying they are wrong. Now, this isnât to say we canât be extremely anger about certain behaviors. We can get angry at things without being angry mamas.
But saying âshame on youâ without following up their actions with real conversation leaves them wonderingâŚ
âAm I wrong because I felt that emotion? Or am I wrong because I acted on that emotion? Or am I wrong because I got caught? Or am I wrongâŚâ
Which leads us to my next point.
Shaming Gives a False Guilt Complex
Thereâs a difference for feeling guilty for doing something wrong. This is good. This helps us to make better decisions in the future.
But false guilt is bad and cumbersome.
False guilt is a general sense of doing or being wrong. Itâs very close to shame except we think itâs guilt so then weâre always busy trying to âdo better next timeâ even though we donât know what we did wrong in the first place.
âGuilt is just as powerful but itâs influence is positive while shame is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement.â Brene Brown
If we act ashamed, tell our kids weâre ashamed, or treat them as though something is wrong with them, they develop this cloudy hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it feeling that they are not doing whatâs right.
This creates worry, anxiety, and an intense desire to please others that manifests itself in unhealthy ways.
In the end⌠we made sure my son knew he was not supposed to scream in anyoneâs face, much less an elderly family member. He genuinely apologized and made amends.
But we also made sure he knew he didnât have to be ashamed even though he felt bad.
Guilt helps you make better decisions next time.
Shame just paralyzes.Â
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This has helped me immeasurably! I’ve been dealing with shame most of MY life so how can I clarify it to my children? By defining it, it helps to get it out in the open to deal with. Thanks.
Susan, I think the key is by communicating that your CHILD is not bad, but her actions MAY be. Or, rather, her actions are undesirable but she is a lovable person. Does that help?
I canât find the link to the free email series on this article. I reeeally need this for my 2yo.. This resonates with me and I want us to change.
Melissa, you should be able to see the ‘click here’ and then a pop up will help!