The effects of rejection in childhood can be serious, here are some ways parents can communicate acceptance to their children.
Before we get started, let’s be real…
Life brings trouble and there will be times when we don’t react how we should. It happens to us all…it’s unavoidable.
The goal of parenting is not that we are perfect, however, but that our hearts are for our children.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
What's in this post...
What is Rejection?
Our children will know it if our heart is there for them. If we seek to understand and love them, they will feel loved and understood.
Major rejection will not occur accidentally or by accident, but by repeated purposeful or neglectful events.
In fact, if you’re here, this concept is probably completely foreign to you, but take note. It may be the exact thing you need to file away for memory and bring up with a friend or family member later.
Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)
When someone says the word rejection, you probably think of a high school movie like Mean Girls. Rejection by our peers is very hurtful, no doubt, but did you know that those who suffer rejection in their home are far more likely to suffer rejection in other arenas of life as well?
Rejection in the home does not simply mean that one parent declares they do not love their child.
If only it were that simple (and horrible)… there would be far fewer people suffering the ills of rejection. No, rejection can take on many subtle forms and when it is left unattended, can wreak havoc on a person’s psyche.
Examples of rejection in childhood within a family include:
- Preferring one child to another,
- Not being fair when extending privileges,
- Allowing some siblings to have certain freedoms others do not (excluding age appropriate activities),
- Spending too much time on your phone or online,
- One parent leaving and not following through on commitments,
- Lack of quality time together,
- Making fun of a child,
- Interrupting or not letting your child speak,
- Not showing interest in what makes your child tick,
- Biting sarcasm,
- Withholding compliments and praise, or
- Never coming to your children’s events.
There are many more than these, but those are a few examples to give you an idea.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Perception is reality
This is a reality for both our children and ourselves.
I think the saying goes, “If we define a situation as real, it becomes real in its consequences.” If your children perceive you are rejecting them they will believe it and suffer.
This doesn’t mean we should be paranoid, but it does mean we shouldn’t ignore their cries for attention or telltale signs of perceived rejection.
If they say things like “You like sister better” or “You never want to play with me” then we need to take those things seriously.
A child’s truth…
A child will feel rejected if a parent has a favorite child, are present but absent, or work too much. For Example: Children don’t understand that daddy has to work to pay the bills. They just need daddy…
This may mean that dad will have to make special time and attention (although he is tired), to make sure his children feel loved. Being busy is no excuse to not spend time with our children.
Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.
Learn MoreRejection in childhood has lasting results
Rejection is an awful thing and then, even worse, it keeps giving. If a child perceives himself rejected by his family then he will inevitably have self-worth issues.
If a child thinks he/she has had rejection in childhood… they will act in a way that causes others to treat them similarly. They won’t stand up for themselves and others will perceive this and treat them accordingly.
We will all experience rejection in life, and hopefully we’ll go through it in a way to make us stronger in character!
However, we don’t want our children to develop an identity of rejection that will make life harder for them. We don’t want our children’s personalities to develop around their fear of rejection!
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Keep short accounts to prevent rejection in childhood
Children need their accounts to be kept short. Let me explain…
Don’t let incidents, situations or emotions pile up. Don’t go to sleep pretending all will be well in the morning.
When my husband and I were first married and in the midst of conflict, my husband would suggest we just go to bed. He thought sleeping on it would make it blow over. Unfortunately for him, I’d wake up in the morning even more ticked off.
With kids, even if moods are happier in the morning, that is not an indicator that things are resolved, it’s an indicator that things have been swept under the rug.
Learn how your family handles things…
If you get angry with your kids and lose your temper… quickly sit down with them and talk it out. If you think they are feeling left out or unloved, don’t be flippant in how you deal with these issues.
Explain yourself thoroughly. You are only human and you will mess up and your children will still survive. There is a balance between being too sensitive and making sure our children know that we love them.
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
Watch sibling relationships
I read a tweet by Beth Moore ages ago that says “we should treat meanness as strictly as we would lying or stealing.” When it comes to kids, there is nothing more ugly than someone being mean and hateful just because.
A bully at home is arguably worse than a bully at school because if a sibling is the bully, the other siblings can’t escape him.
If we have a bully in our house then we need to protect our other children by dealing with it.
Rejection by siblings or constant feelings of inadequacy stemming from one siblings’ rejection of another will have dangerous effects that last a lifetime.
True acceptance
Now that I’ve scared us all into having nightmares that we’ve accidentally rejected our children – which is not what we have to worry about – let’s talk about how to avoid this.
Our children want to be loved by us and we want to love them. All we really have to do… is mean it and show it.
We don’t have to be perfect. Let me put it this way…we don’t have to be happy and cheerful, always have an even temper, or sit and read for hours to our kids. We just need to be around, emotionally available and free with our feelings and praise.
Trying to work through some mindsets that hold you back? These cards will help you get focus on the right things.
Learn MoreTo make a child feel accepted…
- Purposefully talk to them
- Listen to them
- Hear their hearts
- Take them seriously
- Make time for them
- Be genuine
- Be available
No one is perfect and we don’t need to pretend to be perfect for our children. The essence of acceptance is that children feel they are loved based on their position as your child, not on their performance.
If we can manage that, we are doing well!
Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!
Use them at:
- meal times
- car rides
- as a “calm down” trick
- for dinner time conversation
- or any time the day is getting chaotic or
- you need a reset to connect.
FAQs
Intentionally talk with them about it, attentively listen to them, connect with them to reassure them of your love and acceptance of them, and continue to be available to talk about it with them. Then, address the situation with the person who rejected them, like a sibling or yourself, to prevent rejection from continuing.
Some common signs include: emotional distress, decreased self-esteem, withdrawal, avoidance, loss of interest, changes in eating or sleeping habits, and isolation.
Normal childhood challenges involve occasional conflicts because no family is perfect. However, if your child consistently experiences rejection, isolation, or exclusion over an extended period, it will develop into a more serious issue.
If a child is experiencing rejection in your home, providing emotional support is the only option. Because rejection in childhood has such lasting effects on a child, not giving your child emotional support will deepen the wounds they will experience. They need to know that they are deeply loved and accepted by you, in word and in action.
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Cheryl says
Another great post. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us, I get so much from each post and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your blog.
Rachel Norman says
Thank you so much for saying so, Cheryl! I watch my friends and family and ask lots of questions so I can really learn and try to share from my perspectives other than my own as well. Thanks for your encouragement!
Sue Lively says
Rachel,
Like you said at the start, if we are here reading this, we probably don’t need to worry about these things – this is true for me. I am constantly working on trying to be a positive parent who gives love unconditionally to my son. However, I really enjoyed reading your perspective and reminders. You brought up so many good points – meaness needs to be addressed absolutely! and rejection in childhood absolutely affects self-esteem and puts kids at risk for being bullied or over-influenced by peers who accept them. Really enjoyed this – thank you!
Rachel Norman says
Sue, thanks so much. I’m glad you picked up on the first line because I’m certainly not a fear monger, but just want parents to be aware. Particularly if they have a spouse who is showing these behaviors so they are able to be aware. And I’m going over to your site now :)
Tamara says
Wow..you’ve just explained my childhood years…what books can i read on this subject…humpback336@yahoo.com
Thank you, Tamara…
Rachel Norman says
Tamara, this is a great question. let me do some research. One I do know is called Healing for Damaged Emotions. http://amzn.to/234Hy9Y
Celeste Mahlangu says
I Am Suffering From Depression & Anxiety,Since I Was 8 Years Old. I Feel Like My Family Don’t Love Me,Because They Do Not Understand The Pain I Am In. They Don’t Show Me Their Love And That Hurts,I Feel Useless & Helpless.
Mae says
I too had a similar childhood & my counselor recommended that i read a book called Toxic Parents & so far its opened my eyes to so much! And sadly i can relate to most of it but also teaches you how to over come it.
Lesley Isaacs says
Rachel, This article and the article you wrote on a present but absent parent… made me cry. You wrote about my life growing up with my father just as sure as you had lived there with me. My father sat with the remote control every single night and nobody better dare speak to him. He didn’t like my childish chatter. I had a babysitter for the first twelve years only for the hour that my father got off work and my mother went to work. Yet, I spent every weekday with my babysitters until bedtime. My parents simply didn’t keep me. They were very young when I was born. I am sure I was a mistake. I was never physically abused. My childhood was almost like I didn’t exist! Unfortunately, I chose the paths of finding acceptance and love with peers and men- lots and lots of men. That started at a very young age. Now, I am 45 years old, am turning 46 next month. I am on my sixth marriage. I am just now figuring out how to heal. You see, my mother was also a present but absent parent. Not to the extent of my father but she was. She took care of me- good care of me. I had great clothes, home-cooked meals, dance and piano lessons, my own phone line. To my mother, this was enough and still to this day, she just believes I would be thankful. She doesn’t and can’t understand that I would have given up all of the above if she would have just sat and talked with me. I wish she would have taught me things- anything. I married for the first time as soon as I turned 18 and didn’t know how to even make a gallon of tea. I didn’t have the first clue how to clean a house. I was never taught. I believe that my mother found it easier to just do it herself rather than teaching me as that would have just slowed her down and there would have been so much communication between us. My father told me exactly once in the 37 years that we shared together that he loved me. My mother did tell me a little more. Maybe an average of once a year. As an adult, I can’t remember the last time she told me. Yet, strangely enough, I had two daughters by husband number 3 and then by a boyfriend that was between husband numbers 1 and 2. My parents were the best grandparents ever! Nurturing and loving… my oldest daughter especially worships them. I don’t understand. I will never understand. From my own life experience, I made so many mistakes with my oldest two girls. I had no clue how to be a mother. I did tell my children that I loved them every day. I hugged and kissed them everyday. But, I took them for granted. I put men ahead of them. I am so sorry for that now- I can;t put into words the sorrow I have over that. But thank God! He chose to give me another chance! I had daughter number 3 with husband number 5. Husband number 5 had issues and went to prison. Enter husband number 6. This Christian man somehow saw past the train wreck of a person that I was and picked me up and started to do something that no person had ever done before. He started to love me. We are about to celebrate our 4th anniversary and dated for 2 years before that. So I have been healing for 6 years now. And I am just beginning. My parents ruined my life. They totally ruined it. In turn, their actions caused so much pain to my oldest daughters. Not to mention their own daughter. I was their little girl. Their baby. I was a cute baby- blonde Shirley Temple curls- blue eyes, fair skin, a cute grin… what was not to love? I wish I knew. I will never understand. Yet, I don’t hate my parents. I love them so much- especially my Daddy. I spent the first 37 years of my life chasing a love that I just could not catch. Now the last 6 years, well, I am still just stunned that this man loves me. I cannot believe it!
I have wanted to do so many things in life. The only thing I have ever done and completed are my college degrees. My longest job was two years. My friendships with females are strained. None of my friendships last long. I have so many issues. I have issues in every area of my life.
I am sorry my words are jumbling out. Sometimes it is easier for me to make excuses for my parents other than to believe exactly what happened. Child neglect. Child abuse. Words I still can’t bring myself to say. I am slowly learning to stop chasing every person I have ever known seeking love. Aunts, cousins, friends, etc. I chase them and I chase them immediately away. Then, I am hurt so deeply at this rejection. Rejection seems to be the rule of my life. My current husband is truly the only person who has loved me and not abused me. He has made some mistakes of course and I have a hard time forgiving. It’s all just a mess. Please pray for me. I hope I have made some sort of sense here! If you would like to contact me, I would love to hear from you!
Rachel Norman says
Lesley, I am so incredibly sorrowful for what happened to you growing up. Pain is such a horrible teacher and we’ve all made choices we aren’t proud of. Praise God that He has sent a good man to love you, even when you feel unlovable, and I pray you learn to accept his love and the love of God. Thanks so much for commenting and bless you, sister.
LMN says
Wow!
I resonate so deeply with this.
Though the circumstances may vary, i’m only now beginning to deal with and understand how deeply I was wounded as a child and the attendant low even nonexistent esteem and the confusion that it is only showing up now – 50 years on!
Lesley Isaacs, Many thanks for sharing and putting words and perspective to something I have struggled with for so long! I know God will, in the fulness of time bring healing.
Cher Daley says
HI I would really be interested in a reply. When two adults are married and they are both from rejected backgrounds.. lets say one has healed or still healing a little faster then the other one. What can the other spouse do to help the other feel validated/accepted? I tend to see it has to come from inside the person… but it is just not there.. I see the overflow in other areas of life. I pray about this.
TM says
Your blog is actually helpful — Ans I’m a know it all! Love your tone of encouragemnt whle also challenging me to rethink and pray! god help me to show my kids I love them and accept them. Love love what I have read — thanks for sharing your insights. (Parring is so hard I’m like WHAAAAT — I thought I was parent of the year every day! So NOT)
Rahul says
Thankyou it has been good travel through this page which has been helpful to my activity……
Clifford Padilla says
Hello. Thank you for writing this article. As a kid, I experienced just about everything that’s been mentioned in the article. Even though it occurred over thirty years ago, it still affects me to this. My parents have done everything that you described in here and the result for was low self esteem, depression, anger and sadness. It affected me so bad that I took it out on my younger brother. He didn’t deserve that. In fact, he also felt that she was treating me different. Of course she denied it, but we knew that it was the truth. It still hurts me to this day. That’s why I’m in therapy now. I thought that this waa behind me but I realized that it’s far from the truth. So I’m finally dealing with it, with my therapist’s help. Thank you for sharing this article.
CRYSTAL says
I’m brand new to your postings and was searching on the web for advice regarding my 3year old girl dealing with rejection from my 5year old girl’s best friend who’s is also like a sister to my 3 year old. Within the last 3-4 months it’s been extremely difficult whenever we all get together. The friend can be hot and cold very wishy washy with including the 3 year old. One second she’s like the pretend big sis she’s always been and the next she completely cold shoulders her and only plays with my other daughter. This leaves my 3 year old chasing her around crying for the friend to acknowledge or accept her. When the friends mom is gone it’s easier for me to talk to her daughter and create boundaries. Sometimes her mom sees how overt it is and other times it can be very tricky because we the moms are talking both trying to keep an eye on the dynamic ( probably me more so due to my protectiveness on my 3 year old)) and I might see a manipulation happening that the other mom doesn’t. We are close enough friends where typically we try to work it out by calling out the girls and telling both 5 year olds to include the younger one. Sometimes I feel like the friend legitimately just wants to play with her bestie my 5YO girl and it’s hard to go out of your way to include but other times it feels like she down right cold shoulders and can be very sneaky about it especially when mom is present. Like she full blown communicates to the 3YO things like “I wasn’t talking to you I was talking to Zoe” or is giving something away and does “inie-mini-mini- mo…. my mother told me to chose the best one and I pick the persons wearing the pink shirt” (which she is clearly picking my 5YO to give her lily pop to. This of course will make my 3YO cry and I will intervene immediately and tell her that game is bullying and we won’t allow that in our home etc.. I will go to the extent to make a general rule if you are bullying my daughters can’t play with you but I’m usually more bold when they are all under my care. When her mom is present I step back more and try to let her mom handle. A slight background is that my friend is a single mom and has a hard time disciplining. Her daughter can clearly be resentful sometimes of my kiddos and even yelled at her mom and said “well Zoe is the lucky one because she has a daddy and mommy together!” So I know that’s why she can be hot and cold in general with both my girls. Even my 5YO Has experienced the wishy washy and learned to be defensive. We use to laugh that they would simply fight because they are so close so they fight like sisters but now that they are getting older dynamics have changed and this is a major issue that creates stress for both me and my husband. My husband doesn’t feel my friend regulates her daughter enough and I tend to defend my friend and her daughter assuring him that we always find a way to work it out. Sometimes we don’t though because we simply don’t know what to do. Please help! I love what you said about Beth Moore that any time there is a bully who enters a room you need to deal with it right away and so I am trying to come up with the best solution. Any ideas for boundaries without completely targeting anyone? Even my bff who’s the mom of the bully friend talks to her daughter before we hang out and highlights that she’d better include or they will have to go. Her daughter still pulled off the stunts and it becomes stressful to hang out. Please help!
Frank says
I’m a 55 year old male with two daughters. I was rejected as the youngest child of a family of four. My Father seen himself in my older brothers achievements, and constantly punished me for every mistake. I barely made it to graduation in High School. I ended up with back breaking labor and married very late, but refused to put my daughter’s through what I went through but without proper parenting as a child I may have spoiled my daughter’s, which could potentially back fire, but I hope not. My childhood abuse was mental, and rarely physical. I learned from it, but the pain of a lost childhood will follow me to my grave.
Z says
I have a question, with some context.
I fled an abusive marriage, and my daughter was withheld. I tried to bring her with me but was threatened with kidnapping charges, and prevented from having further in-person contact and am extremely limited on digital contact with her, Due to my being out of state and indigent at the time of divorce due to the effects of the abuse, her father was awarded full physical custody. She believes that I abandoned her, when that was never the case, and her father and his new wife have taught her to be afraid of me. I’m going to be seeking physical custody soon, and wanted to know… what’s the reference for this, in order to bring it up as a reason why the work needs to be done to reconnect us and heal this wound.
“Rejection is an awful thing and then, even worse, it keeps giving. If a child perceives himself rejected by his family then he will inevitably have self-worth issues.
If a child thinks he/she has had rejection in childhood… they will act in a way that causes others to treat them similarly. They won’t stand up for themselves and others will perceive this and treat them accordingly. ” <- this is what I'm looking for reference on.
Rachel Norman says
I don’t have a specific study handy, although I am sure you can find one, but want to say I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I know many women who flee abuse end up without their children and on top of that abuse you have that earth shattering reality too, I am so so sorry.
Yes No Wheel says
I found this blog post to be very informative. I have experienced rejection in my life and it has had a significant impact on my self-esteem. I appreciate the author’s willingness to share her experiences and the advice she provides.
Emile says
Thank you. Although your approach is respectable, and in my case, concerned, It appears that such an experience in childhood is like “fire branded”, and can never be healed… Unless by entering a personal relationship with God, which will bestow anyone the perspective of a Glorious Eternity…
Nicola says
Sometimes young children feel rejected and show this and as a parent you can act upon it. Your advice is very good. But there are also situations where the rejection is subtle and not voiced by the child. Or rejection may be very impactful when they are too young to voice what they feel. In that case the child’s personality is very much affected by the rejection. During trauma therapy I was told that my childhood was spiked with doubt and that that was why I did not have a foundation to fall back on when everything in my life went wrong when I was about 50. I used to be gutsy and enterprising but when my foundation wasn’t there to fall back on, I felt shell-shocked. Besides the constant criticism I received as a teenager, I was nine months old when I was ‘abandoned.’ I had to stay in hospital for one week when my mother was not allowed to visit. That’s how it was at the end of 1958. Doctors believed that the daily separation was too traumatic for the child so that they forbade the parents to visit. As an older adult I realised why I always got out of a relationship: so that the other wouldn’t dump me. I was never afraid to be alone and I could take rejection, but I just always avoided the unexpected: the terrible shock of being dumped. For the last 14 years I have lived my life below the radar. I avoid relationships because I will leave anyway. I am even too scared to set goals as the last couple of times I did that I attracted major disasters (and as I wrote, my life crumbled because I didn’t have a foundation to fall back on.). I just wanted to point out the dangers of undetected or unperceived rejection in a child. How could one ever heal from that?