Reasoning with toddlers is a bad habit to start. I am going to explain ways to avoid meltdowns and when it is necessary to avoid battles for everyone’s sanity.
Have you ever been challenged to a dual? Chances are, if you’re raising children… you have!
I’m referring to the one-on-one battle of the wills, if you will.
Never fear, stay steadfast, and realize what is really happening with your toddler here:
Your child is not able to navigate reasoning the situation. So… truthfully, there’s just no sense in reasoning with toddlers.
Don’t get me wrong, children need to be in conversation about their feelings, likes, and dislikes. This is very important. However, when it comes to certain things… reasoning usually turns into meaningless arguing.
Let’s take a closer look at why reasoning with small children is not a good habit to start.
While babies, toddlers and younger children can be fairly logical – i.e., if I cry mom will come, if I smile I’ll get smiled at, if I scream I’ll get what I want, etc. – they are primarily emotional beings.
Because they are emotional and into instant gratification, attempting to rationally and logically reasoning with toddlers will not work. It will leave you both frustrated.
Here are some thoughts on reasoning with toddlers:
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
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Reasoning with Toddlers Leads to Loss of Authority
There will be times when you ask them what they want and you give it to them. Then, there will be times when you have required them to do something and they are trying to get out of it.
If they have effectively engaged you in a power struggle then you’re already behind.
Before the struggle gets fully under way, you must act in a way to curb it:
- A power struggle goes something like this, “Do what I say and follow my instructions, I’m the boss” to which they repeatedly reply “No, I don’t want to. No!!” Â
- If you push too hard and don’t leave room for your little one’s emotions, you’ll come into their counter will
- Toddlers will respond to authority when structure is in place and they know what to expect.
- Reasoning limits your authority and places it into their little hands to analyze and “accept” or “deny.”
Read: Time In Vs. Time Out … and is Time Out Damaging Kids?
Choice is Healthy, Power Struggles Are Not
Choices are a good thing.
They teach decision-making skills and how to deal with Logical Consequences. It is good training for them and allows them freedom of expression and individuality.
Reasoning with toddlers is different than giving them healthy choices. Reasoning is when you’re trying to cajole them into doing something.
A choice is:
- Picking out your own clothes,
- choosing their snack,
- or, selecting an activity or game to play.
- Which book can I read you?
- What puzzle do you want to do now?
Want to help develop your child’s strengths Use these cards to dive into the character qualities and how your child does – and can in the future = exhibit them in their own life.
Learn MoreBargaining Doesn’t Work
Bargaining is a bad habit… and it’s a habit that sticks if you’re not careful. Let me explain:
If a child learns early that bargaining works on you, it only gets worse the older they get.
Kids are better bargainers than those guys working the markets in Europe.
$50? No? $35? as he follows you down the aisle. $15? Final offer!
“Sold,” you say thinking, “Aha, sucker!” as you walk away with your fake pearl badly plated adjustable ring that breaks twenty minutes later when you dig your diet coke out of your purse.
Bargainers are crafty and they are persistent.Â
If the rule is “you can’t go to the park if your homework isn’t done” then that’s it. When park time rolls around and they haven’t done their homework, then they start in.
“I’ll do it when I get back. So-and-so never has to do his homework. Don’t be so mean. You never let me have any fun.”
This is where you start singing your favourite song in your head to block them out or you go to another room. Whatever your method, forget the park. The park is no longer an option. You have stood your ground. You know that reasoning with toddlers doesn’t work.
So much of parenting revolves around being consistent and staying true to your word. If you say something off the table, that going back on your word leads to bargaining children… and they wont stop!
It’s as simple as this:
- Let your “yes” be yes.
- Let your “no” really mean no.
- Don’t fold under pressure.
- Instead, offer a peaceable retailiation.
- If you’re already in the habit of bargaining, offer negative consequences for an offered bargain. This works like a charm…
Read: Quiet time (Rest time) for Toddlers: All You Need to Know
Toddlers Only Know What They Want
Toddlers are emotional and want- what they want… right now! The truth is, they don’t actually know what’s good for them.
The whole point of Discipline is to teach them to do what is best for them. Discipline should not just be synonymous with punishment.
Discipline actually means training. It’s out job to train our children and that involves being the authority to say “no” without having to deal with a meltdown.
Toddlers are emotional and, while fairly logical, they are still childish. So… understand that you are the parent and you know what is best.
Reasoning with Toddlers Does Not Make Them Weary
Kid’t don’t grow battle weary like adults. In fact, the opposite seams to be true. They gain energy and spitefulness from arguing.
Trying to reason your decisions with your toddlers will eventually lead to many arguments that will tire you out.. not them.
Long before they are finished crying/screaming/reasoning/pouting/fussing you are ready to throw in the towel.
You’ll eventually give in…
- “Fine, who cares, it’s not a big deal anyway, just be quiet,” you are thinking.
- If you engage with them then it may be hard to outlast them.
- The way to avoid power struggles is to not let them get started in the first place.
- If you ask them to do a chore and they say no, depending on their age, either take them to that area and get them started or remove them from the current situation to time out (or your family equivalent).
- If they are watching TV and ignoring you, turn the TV off. Don’t even engage them in battle.
Check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up!
Children are the best things in the world and, most of the time, it is truly our pleasure to please them.
Sometimes, however, when it’s for their own good, we have to know when to dig our heels in.
K says
Love this- and you know I agree with you.
I’ve just gotten to a stage with my 22 month old where I’ll say something to him and he’ll openly defy me (for example: “Please come here” and he looks at me while walking in a wide circle around me or will turn and try to run if I move towards him) and it drives me insane. Not from a control point of view (okay… not ONLY from a control point of view) but from a safety point of view too. If he ignores me on the little things – what about the next time I call out “Stop right now!” because I can see the car but he can’t. It’s so important for kids to learn that you mean what you say for so many different reasons. I’d rather a stranger think I’m on a power-trip with my son rather than my own child think I have no idea and am easily manipulated.
I am finding that there are some things I will reason with him on – but only after the authority/instruction has been given, rather than as a way of pleading with him to go through with my ‘suggestion’.
I will tell him what to do or exactly what is happening with authority and with love; but I will – circumstances pending – follow it up with why I told him to do something or behave a certain way, etc. because I know one day he will be able to comprehend exactly what I am saying and it will click with him why it was a good idea, why the manners show consideration of others, etc.
But for now he’s too young for some of it, so he’ll just have to learn that his mummy knows best :)
A Mother Far from Home says
So agree. When they aren’t being defiant then a little explanation and discussion is good. I agree with you, though, that if they don’t understand and obey your “i am dead serious right now” instructions then it can be scary because sometimes their safety comes down to it!