What's in this post...
Inside you’ll find pros and cons to finding out the gender of your baby. I’ve done it both ways and this is where I’ve landed. Post contains affiliate links.
“If we have a girl… I have no idea what we’ll name her,” I said in between contractions.
The nurses in the delivery room began telling me their own children’s names for inspiration and there were a few I liked but nothing really stood out. It didn’t end up mattering…
A few minutes later, after one big push, I delivered my baby.
Immediately, without saying a word, she flipped the baby upside down so I could see the bottom…
“It’s a boy!”
Our fourth baby, our first gender surprise.
And now that I’m pregnant again (and we know exactly how pregnancy feels) we are going to be surprised again.
Because I love it.
Because it’s fun.
At this point, with 5 kids in 5 years – we don’t need any baby gear and we have clothes of both genders.
Should You Find Out Your Baby’s Gender?
If you’re asking yourself, “Should I find out the gender of my baby?” then it sounds like you’re questioning your gut. Sit with it for a while, you’ll know the answer.
There’s no right or wrong answer, as they say…
When can I find out?
You can usually find out your baby’s gender by about 20 weeks, give or take, depending on when they schedule your scan.
The earliest time to find out the gender of your baby is a blood test and it can be given around 8 weeks.
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What are the Pros to finding out baby gender?
Many people want to find out because otherwise they’ll miss out on having a gender reveal party. You can still find creative ways to throw parties during this season, however.
With our first three children, we found out the baby’s sex.
We were “surprised at the ultrasound” as my friend says.
Here are pros we discovered when we found out- with our first:
- You can prepare down to minute detail | I’m not really one to go overboard with these types of details, but it’s nice to be able to buy headbands, clothes, shoes, gender appropriate blankets, and all that kinda jazz. Blue car seats. A pink Bumbo. You get the idea. As long as they don’t end up being wrong about the gender (which does happen)
- You just know already | With our first we were applying for visas, moving overseas, and in a state of upheaval. In that moment, I couldn’t stand the thought that one more thing in our life was unknown. I wasn’t sure where we’d deliver the baby and, when she was 3 months we didn’t even know where we’d be living. If I could know, I just wanted to.
- You can prepare your nursery | If this baby is your first or second, this is a common reason people find out. They want to deck out their nursery in a theme or style that matches the baby’s gender. It’s definitely a stressful thing to be trying to put together a coordinating and sophisticated nursery when you, ahem, have the newborn. You may be barely mentally surviving the newborn stage, so that might not be an option for you.
Read: When You Feel Like You’ll Be Pregnant Forever
More pros to finding out baby gender…
- You can get things monogrammed | Oh, come on. I had to say it. I’m from the South and we love personalization. Whether it’s crib sheets, swaddles, diaper bags, or nursery room decoration, people like to know a name and put it on things. This would backfire, however, if you saw the baby and felt the name didn’t really go. This also happens.
- You can pick a name | You know the gender, you aren’t splitting your focus between boy and girl names. I mean unless you want a name that could go with either gender in which case it’s probably still the same amount of work. This book is the most comprehensive baby name book ever.
- You aren’t “disappointed” | This is a reason many people give. That they don’t want to hope for one gender for 10 months then be disappointed at delivery. They hope finding out the gender at the ultrasound will help give them time to come to terms with the gender before the baby is born. I’ve never been one to care about the gender and currently have 1 girl and 4 boys.
- You can feel more connected to baby | By being able to speak to, pray for, and think about your baby specifically as a boy or girl it can help foster a connection or sense you already “know” your child a bit.
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreRead: Pregnancy Fitness: Your Ultimate Resource Guide
These daily baby and mom legs help you track the things that seem to be going haywire.
Learn MoreWhat are the Pros to NOT Finding Out Your Baby’s Gender?
Finding out the sex of the baby cannot be undone, so if you are on the fence… just tell them you don’t want to know.
If at any point you decide you do want to know, they’ll tell you.
Here are pros we love about NOT finding out the baby gender:
- It’s fun | It is exciting to look forward to delivery. There are so many things about delivery that cause fear about labor so this is one thing that you can look forward to. Not just holding your baby, but finding out what God has gifted you with. After having been surprised at delivery once, I think it’s an absolutely amazing experience you’ll never forget.
- It’s back to the basics | For those who embrace natural, this is another way to get back to how things were done a long time ago without technological intervention. You were pregnant, prayed the baby was developing normally, had it, then knew what you were working with. Culturally speaking, some countries find out the gender far less than others. In both Australia and Scotland where I’ve given birth, I’d estimate over half did not find out the gender.
- You can make a poll | Instead of having a gender reveal party while you’re still pregnant, you can have fun with people trying to guess the gender. Family members can have a good time guessing and making bets.
- You don’t get misinformation | My Scottish midwife told me that by policy the NHS (National Health Service) does not tell parents the gender. One too many people got misinformed, made major life changes (like buying a new house so a boy and girl didn’t have to share), then sued. If you don’t know you can’t get told wrongly.
- You get to partake in the mystery of life | How many things in life that are precious are truly a mystery? It almost has a sacred feeling, that something so important is having in secret. And truthfully, it’s worth the wait.
If you don’t find out the gender, you’ll need to be prepared!
There’s still a lot that can when it comes to preparing for a “surprise” baby!
As I’m sure you’re aware of, a new baby requires lots of fun planning and preparations.
- Get neutral newborn onesies and swaddles | Get light green, white, orange, or yellow onesises and swaddles. Get enough to last you a week or two and then you can buy more later in more gender appropriate colors if you need. It is hard to find neutral type clothes, but it’s not impossible. I’ve bought a pack of these to get me started.
- Forget about everything needing to be gender appropriate | If my boys blue crib sheets are dirty they sleep on pink ones. Do the blue bibs are in the wash they use their sisters old one? I don’t care one tiny bitty bit. They will survive and what we already own is already paid for.
- Create a neutral palette that can go either way | If you have a room and really want to be surprised, you can decorate in neutral greys or beiges until the baby comes. Have your decor chosen for both genders (save it on wishlists) then click ‘order’ when you are enjoying some peace and quiet in the hospital recovering away from your other, louder, children. Ahem.
- Have a party or shower afterwards | Instead of having a shower before the baby is born, have a party afterwards. Just because it’s not the most common thing, doesn’t mean that you can’t do it. You can do whatever you want. You can even have a blessing shower and bring the baby so people can meet the little tyke.
Sweet baby on the way!
Just the other day (around 35 weeks pregnant) when I was getting a soda and some M & M’s (yes, healthy baby food) from the gas station, a man who looked both high, homeless, and not quite normal came up to me while
I was in line. He smiled at me, I smiled back, and he asked…
“What are you going to name your baby girl?”
“I am horrible with girl names!” I said, “But I think you’re probably right about the gender...”
Only time will tell…
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Related Reads For Your Near Future:
- Ultimate Newborn Sleep Schedule: Week By Week
- Sample Newborn Routine
- Printable Newborn Feeding Chart
- Newborn Feeding Schedule That Works
FAQs about finding out (or not) baby’s gender
Typically, your ultrasound between 18 to 21 weeks will be able to tell you the gender of your baby. However, there are tests your doctor may possibly do as early as ten weeks to determine the gender. It’s not typical, though, and certainly not a necessity.
If you’re at your 18 week scan, the ultrasound should be able to tell pretty easily depending on the angle of baby, how full your bladder is, and if baby moves. The nurses will often tell you to look away if you want to be surprised, so you don’t see.
Cry, journal, mourn your dreams for having that particular gender, and then turn around your perspective to being grateful for having a healthy baby.
Yes! At my last birth (5th baby), we were surprised and my techs and doctors said it’s getting more and more common. So much in life right now is obvious and lacking mystery so this is one way to tune in to the mysteries and joys of life.
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we have three kids and haven’t found out for any of them, and I have to say, i LOVE not knowing!! There is really just no better surprise than finally having that baby and hearing “it’s a boy” or looking to find out for yourself :) And since I’m not a huge planner and don’t love pink/blue for my kids, I really wanted to keep everything pretty gender neutral anyway. Plus it’s fun to have something to guess about throughout the pregnancy. Although, I’ve been wrong on the gender with my kids every. single. time. With the third, I really thought she was going to be a boy, and was to the point where I figured that since I thought a boy, it would probably be a girl, and of course, she ended up being a girl :)
With my third I thought it was twins. Ha. so yeah… I’m 2/2 when I “knew” and then two where I had no clue. :)
We found out with our first three, then were surprised with our fourth. And I realized something during that fourth pregnancy, that even knowing the baby’s gender doesn’t tell us anything about who they are going to be.
I’m a fiery, passionate person, my husband is calm and patient. Pregnant with my first, a boy, I kept imagining a boy like my husband. We got a boy like me! So fiery he would throw a towering tantrum if his toast was cut in the wrong shape!
Then we were pregnant with a girl. I kept imagining a girl like me. We got a girl like my husband! So patient and calm she’s almost abnormal!
Then we were pregnant with another girl. I thought I’d get another like my first girl. Nope! I finally got my little girl like me.
I learned that gender isn’t the thing that’s going to matter most as I’m parenting the growing child.
When we didn’t find out the gender of our fourth child, every time I thought about the baby and didn’t know whether to think “he” or “she”, that reminded me of all the other things I didn’t know about this wonderful little person. For me, personally, it helped me to be more humble, more open to receiving whatever gift God had in store for me.
Miranda, what a beautiful perspective :) That is true of our kids as well!
Love this perspective, i dont wanna know the gender for all the above reasons, just couldnt find the words myself ❤
Currently 13 weeks with my first child and i feel like I’m torn in both directions whether to find out or not, my husband doesn’t want to and i think your post has really opened my eyes up and i think it’s clear we won’t be finding out because your right no matter if it’s a girl or boy we still don’t know all the other wonderful little things about this tiny human, so thank you.
You mean biological sex, but lovely sentiments
I found out – I just HAD to know to be more connected with my baby since he was my first experience with the whole baby thing. But I had a feeling it was a he, and was right. But a friend of mine was told wrong. She first was told it was a girl, and found out much later at a 3D ultrasound that was not the case. Had to change everything last minute.
Yes, that is one reason some in other countries are reluctant to tell. Imagine going completely all out in pink and monograms and names and all the rest and having a boy. But, at the end of the day, it’s a healthy baby that’s the goal right? :)
We didn’t find out with our first which seemed to be acceptable to all the friends and relatives who asked. And there were a lot of them. With our second, people seemed almost annoyed when we told them we were waiting to find out. They kind of feel entitled to know. Makes gift buying easier, I guess. But I felt that people were so used to knowing the gender before birth that they expected it from us. Anytime we told people we were waiting to find out they asked “why?” With our third, I got tired of the bewildered/disappointed response from people when I told them we hadn’t found out the gender yet. So toward the end of pregnancy, I did find out. It was our first girl. And it was fun to tell people (and buy girl clothes). But I still think a surprise is cool and I don’t ask anyone who is expecting about gender. It’s not my business.
Jessie, yes it’s so weird how people feel like they are entitled to know things about the gender or name, etc. I think there’s some type of ‘urgency’ to have a monogrammed gift ready and waiting in the nursery. I’ve found, “It’s our baby, we don’t want to” seems to work okay. Ha!
My hubby and I just had our 3rd baby in early May. We have boy, boy and now girl! We don’t find out the gender ahead of time and I love it lielike that! There’s nothing like finding out the gender at birth and then getting to instantly hold that little boy or girl! When people tell me they could never wait because they’re too impatient or need to plan out everything I want to rolls my eyes. I feel a like saying, “yes, of course you COULD do it! Remember, for the majority of history there was no other option” ;) Guess it’s just another sign confirming our instant gratification society. Haha!
Ha, yes, it’s actually not as hard as you think once you’ve “decided” you’re just not going to do it. It’s the deciding that’s hard. After that, it’s amazing how little you really need for the first few weeks anyway. That said, all we’ve got is white onesies for the firs few days because here in the States finding gender neutral is hard!
We found out with our first and tried to find out our second but she did not cooperate at the 20 week ultrasound. We had to have another ultrasound later in the pregnancy and decided not to find out and just be surprised.
I am a huge planner and like having all my ducks in a row. The only reason that I was okay being surprised is that our first was a boy and we had loads of girl hand-me-downs from my sister-in-law. Even during my first pregnancy when we knew we were having a boy I got all my big stuff (bedding, swing, bouncer) in gender neutral colors.
While there were parts of being surprised that I liked if I have another I will find out the gender. Washing clothes for both genders and then having to pack half of them away was just another thing to do that I felt like I did not have time for.
I was correct both times guessing the gender of our children. I was convinced our first was a boy because I was starving all the time. When we still were not telling people I was hiding in a closet at work to sneak food out of my lunch box. We actually told people a week earlier than we had planned so I could stop hiding. With my second pregnancy I was not abnormally hungry and other things were different enough that I figured it must be a girl.
Love that you knew both times! :) I have known 2 of the 4 so far. 2 of them I just knew and was right. The other two I wasn’t sure and they were boys. This one I feel very certain it’s a girl but only time will tell!
It is fun to see so many people passionate about this topic, We also have 4 children in 4 years. My oldest and only girl just turned 5. I knew she was a girl through the entire pregnancy. I never had an ultrasound as it was a very healthy pregnancy and I delivered with a midwife. With my second there was a question as to my due date that had to be verified so had to have an ultrasound. I could not resist the temptation to find out since we were right there anyway, and yep our first boy. It was fun to find out since he was the first grandson who will carry on my husband’s family name. The third I knew was a girl. The pregnancy was just like my first, in almost every way. Again I had a healthy pregnancy so no ultrasound. Imagine my surprise when he was a very healthy little boy. We did not even have a boy name picked out I was so certain! OOPS:) Not infallible! With my last baby who is now 8 months, my daughter had been praying consistently for a sister even before we became pregnant. I had a strong feeling he was a boy and was afraid she would be disappointed, so scheduled an ultrasound. What an afternoon. Myself, my husband and 3 little children in a small room with a very patient ultrasound tech. She told us he was a boy early in the ultrasound and all but me were surprised and a little disappointed. Then she showed us some 3-D pictures and my sweet daughter started crying and said ” Oh mama its a baby!” What a sweet memory for this mama to treasure! No disappointment after that, only eager delight to “meet him on the outside”. It also made it fun to include my children in name selection. So I found out with 2 and did not with 2 and both ways are wonderful. We all have different seasons and desires. I do not assume every mama knows. We mamas have to stick together and support one another even when we make different choices.
Love this :)
I can agree with you when you said that one of the pros of knowing the gender of the baby is that we can prepare early and get the things that are necessary for their gender. Since my hubby is excited about the shopping more than me, I think it makes sense to know the gender of the baby. I will be sure to ask that during the ultrasound, but not now since it is too young.
I’m solidly in the don’t-find-out camp. We didn’t find out with our first, but we did with our second. And honestly, it was much better waiting to find out. No random ultrasound technician telling me my baby’s gender can replace hearing my husband’s shaky, tear-filled voice say in the delivery room, “You got your girl.” I also think there are seriously good reasons you should keep your baby’s name a secret, too.
Love this reason
Kristi, I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this but you just brought me to tears. Maybe partly because I’m hormonal and pregnant, but truly you just filled my heart with your experience of your husband telling you that you’ve got your sweet little girl. I found out with my first (my girl) and reading your comment has really pushed me over the edge with waiting to find out for the second. We don’t care what the gender will be, but I love the idea of sharing that moment with my husband. Thank you for writing in!
I loved reading that finding out your baby’s gender can help you to prepare better, buy gender-appropriate clothes, and set up your nursery. My daughter is expecting her first child and our first grandchild in October and is trying to decide if she wants to know the gender beforehand! It sounds like doing so could make it easier, so I’d suggest she find an ultrasound service in Mansfield, TX soon.
Awww so sweet to have your first grandbaby :)
We just got our first foster child right after we found out I was pregnant! It was quite the surprise. My husband and I are really wanting to be surprised by not finding out- I’m wondering if you know, even though the ultrasound tech will probably know, will it be documented in our official paperwork? Like will the dr and nurses already know at delivery?
Yes, when I did this (was a few years ago) they actually wrote on the file DO NOT TELL GENDER or something like that so they knew not to tell.