Wonder how much of your children to show on social media? Use these questions to get your wheels turning so you can make your own choices.
I remember, around 15 years ago, reading an article from a San Francisco newspaper while on vacation with my mom.
In the newspaper there was a story about a girl who got a college scholarship for basketball to a prestigious school and then…because of a partying photo on her MySpace profile , she got her scholarship revoked.
This stuck with me.
I’m writing this post knowing it’ll strike a chord and perhaps people will send me hate mail (what’s new?) and all that jazz.
But…
Truthfully…
I think it’s important.
A while back in some type of self-help book I read about a kind of decision that’s familiar to many of us. It’s called this.
A creeping non-decision
A creeping non-decision is when you make a decision… because you didn’t make a decision. You let whatever happens, happen.
It denotes a lack of intentionality and purpose.
What's in this post...
I think we should avoid this.
I’d like to talk about the amount we share about our children online.
What exactly we share about them online.
How much we share about them online.
And how it’s probably important to make some type of decision about how we’re going to filter what we share.
Now, you’re probably thinking…
“But, um, Rachel, you have a website in which you share about your family.”
Yes, I do.
And I share photos of my kids on Instagram and I love a good family profile picture update as good as the next person.
In fact, I don’t have a plan to keep my kids’ faces off the internet. I post funny quotes or happy and memorable moments.
So you see, I’m not an extremist.
That said, increasingly I feel it’s important we steward our children’s private lives (especially the ones too little to have their own social media) with wisdom and care.
Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Post Photos Of Your Children On Social Media
If you think through these concepts and talk about them with your spouse, you will likely discover what your boundaries are around this issue.
❔ Is This The Truman Show Effect?
Remember that movie the Truman Show?
It was filmed in my county actually, so I know it well.
One day, as a grown man, Truman discovers that his entire life had been broadcast to millions of people via a TV show without his knowledge.
The public knew the details and nuances of his life. Things he didn’t give permission to be shared. People all over just… knew things.
And they felt like they knew him.
But he had never met them.
Question: Are we sharing such deep information about our children that others- basically Stranger Acquaintances on Facebook or Instagram – think they know our kids in detail?
Thought: Would you feel exposed if others knew all manner of things about you that you hadn’t actually shared with them?
❔Are There Naked Body Parts?
If you think a photo might be too revealing, imagine that same photo with an adult in it instead of a child.
If it seems a bit risque, take a pass.
I am sure I’ve posted some baby bottom pictures here and there because they are precious photos, but my stance on this has gradually changed.
Particularly because the research coming out is shocking. There are entire pedophile rings that stalk certain keywords on social media to get photos. Then they distribute them.
I wish I was joking, but I am serious.
If you don’t believe me, ask your local law enforcement, and don’t send me hate mail until you hear back from them and they tell you I’m right.
Question: Does this picture show my children’s private parts or elude to the privates?
Thought: Is there a reason why I want / feel the need to share this particular photo if my child isn’t fully dressed? Could another photo express the same sentiment?
Note: I’m not talking bathing suits here, kay, don’t send me hate mail.
❔ Will Your Kid Remember This?
It’s a trend now to give your baby his or her own Instagram handle so they’ll have it in the future.
I’ve also heard this about email which I feel is different since that’s private.
There is no hard or fast rule here, as with most of life.
And yet, do you think it’d be odd if – one random day – your mama showed you a social media account with thousands of YOUR PHOTOS from memories YOU DO NOT HAVE because you were too little?
And then said that thousands (or tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands) of people follow your life?
That you don’t know?
Who you’ve never met?
Will your child feel that strangers know more about their life and history than they do based on their own brain development and current ability to store and retrieve memories?
Question: Where do you and your spouse or family members want to draw the line when sharing information about your children?
Thought: Is this simply a precious moment I want to share, or am I trying to tell a deeper story about the private life of my child that might better be kept in the family?
Another Thought: In 15 years, will my child think it’s weird I tried to build a following for them sharing memories they don’t have?
❔ Will This Embarrass Them In 20 Years?
We all know the baby in the bathtub stories the family brings out to show our high school or college boyfriends.
And we were sorta embarrassed, but not really because it was a rite of passage.
Well, now these aren’t in the family photo album (in the family home) being shown to friends.
They are broadcast on public platforms to complete strangers and accessible at the click of a mouse or the swipe of a finger to anyone.
Question: Is this something that might embarrass a more reserved or shy person? if so, give it a pass. Your child may grow up to be reserved and find a photo of them with no pants on potty training to be deeply humiliating.
Thought: Why do I feel the need to share this? Can I share this story or sentiment without naming a particular child or showing photo evidence?
❔ Is This Something A Psychologist Would Have To Keep Secret?
If a psychologist or psychiatrist would be required by law to keep this information private… maybe we shouldn’t share it about our kids.
If a lawyer would be required to keep this information privileged… maybe we shouldn’t share it about our kids.
If a doctor would be unable to share this medical information or diagnosis with the public, then we maybe we shouldn’t be sharing it ourselves without our kids’ permission.
And their permission only really counts if they are old enough and mature enough to understand what they are giving permission for.
And I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT GROUPS created for prayer and support. That has its place and has been shown to be extremely helpful, encouraging, and a way to get practical needs met.
I’m talking about journaling our children’s mental health problems in a way that might make them uncomfortable in the future.
Or if they, for example, want to run for office.
❔ What if your child wants to run for President?
Yes, I know this is a long shot and an extreme to draw out my point.
Yet, it’s important to think about what we share about our children in terms of their adult life.
- Would they want the world to know about their learning disability?
- Would they like their future bosses to know they had to repeat a grade?
- Would they want the world wide inter-webs to know about their mental health struggles?
Obviously, it’s a long shot your child will run for office. And who knows, in 30 years, it may not matter a bit since our privacy is eroded daily as we speak.
Yet reputation is a concept that has always been around and will always be around.
Question: Does this information or photograph of my child in any way sully their reputation? (I’m not asking if it SHOULD sully their reputation, but if it MIGHT).
❔ What do the higher ups do?
There are lots of posts going around about how people (um, inventors) like Steve Jobs don’t let their children on tablets.
The people inventing these technologies shield their own children from them.
But that’s another post for someone else to write.
Celebrities rarely share information or photographs of their children. Elite politicians and powerful CEOs keep their own children protected from the limelight and spotlight as a general rule.
We have to ask ourselves… what do they know that we don’t?
I’m not saying pretend you’re someone famous… but maybe I am.
Question: If celebrities and those used to the spotlight think it’s preferable to protect their own children… why do we think it’s preferable to create celebrities OUT OF our children?
So Basically…
There’s no right or wrong. Boundaries will differ for each person. And your own spouse’s boundaries may differ from your own.
That also gets hairy.
Look the fact is, it’s our life too and sometimes we’ll share photos or experiences of ourselves that our children are in.
Fine.
Of course.
This is normal.
I’m not saying to stop sharing all photos of kids. I have no plans to do this. I’m not saying to stop sharing cute stories or memorable moments as a family.
That isn’t the world we live in.
What I AM saying is that it’s important each of us make actual decisions about how we will steward our children’s private lives.
Not “creeping non-decisions” our children may hold us accountable for later.
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Very timely topic with very thoughtful advice. All parents should consider these things. Thank you!
Fabulous post, thank you so much. I am very careful about what I share about my toddler, but you brought up a few points (like their potential mental health or behavioral problems) that I hadn’t thought about as having a potential future effect. Thanks for your insight and balanced viewpoint!
Thank you for this article! It’s such an important topic! Our children are the first generation to live through the digital age from birth and we won’t know the effect of that for many years so I think being cautious is essential. I think some pictures are okay depending on the content, context, but personally I’m so nervous I’ve not posted any photos on social media at all. I only share photos directly to family members, but I think that call needs to be made by each parent depending on their understanding of the internet, the limits they place on social media visibility, etc. thank you, Rachel!
Really good points. We decided prior to our daughter’s birth that her pictures on social media would be limited. She is 5 months old. We shared pictures announcing her birth & only monthly pictures after, with maybe a holiday picture here and there (like for Christmas). Of course we taken plenty more pictures than that of her every day and use a private app called tinybeans to share with family members (only those who you’ve entered their email address have access). We’ve gotten a lot of push back from family members, especially grandparents, who (over)shared pictures from the hospital when she was born, have her in their profile pictures, etc. My parents alone are obsessed with sharing pictures on social media, as if they don’t share them then they didn’t really happen. Their profiles are also not private, a request I have made multiple times to them “I will when she’s older”. My brother is a police officer. Online privacy is a very real & needed thing. I’m not hiding her, I’m keeping her safe. Friends of mine share no pictures, their daughter is 6 months old. When they announced her birth 90% of the comments were only asking for a picture, not sharing congratulations. My mom said, “it’s not fair to ask people to buy gifts then not share a picture of the baby”. Um, what? I think the sense of entitlement is horrible and I’m surprised that just how many of us in my generation are limiting what we share, stepping back from the over sharing we may have done as teenagers, realizing how unsafe online really is and how our parents are having such a difficult time with this.
I love that you were bold enough to write on this topic. I too have considered this a lot and am so relieved I’m not alone in feeling hesitant to post my kids online. I get flack for not posting pictures with them a lot but I’ve done so out of intentionality, thinking of their future and knowing I wouldn’t want some future employer of mine to be able to see a naked baby photo of me. This is a great post. Thanks for taking the time to put it together!
I think instead of “elude” you mean “alludes”?
My husband and I have been talking about this lately as I have just joined Instagram and am a new blogger. Great questions! Thank you :)
The 21st century is such a strange time to raise children. I can’t imagine my parents worrying about what to do with the pictures of me in the tub when I was little. But now it matters. I try to live by this rule when it comes to my little ones and social media: “My children deserve the chance to make their own embarrassing decisions.” One day, when they’re old enough, they will post things that they will then come to regret later. But it will be their own regrets to learn and grow from.
I really appreciate this post… There’s a lot to think about here. I want to be intentional about how I’m using the internet in general, and one of those matters to really consider is what sharing my children’s photos or info or even parenting decisions looks like. I have already taken steps back from sharing pics on Facebook as I want to be really discerning. This post helps to provide further thoughts on the journey. Thank you!
Totally agree with this. I’m not on any social media personally. I was on Facebook many many years ago. I was on Instagram for maybe a year. And I kind of loved it. But it was a huge time waster for me so I deleted it about a year ago. I think the constant posting and need for “likes” or hearts or whatever is out of control. I think this is a huge issue even aside from the pedophile aspect. Which is horrific, I totally agree. I would love for people to watch some videos about how social media was created and the effects it has on your brains. A dopamine hit similar to HEROIN. Heroin. That’s a staggering though. So, while the pedophiles are stealing pictures of our kids for evil purposes we are allowing the social media to also steal our time, attention span, concentration, self-worth and much more sometimes. Sometimes to the huge detriment of our children. I just don’t think it’s ultimately worth it. I’m not saying everyone needs to completely get off but I do think people should step way back and live in their real lives. So sorry for the soapbox moment. The area of over-exposing our kids and internet addiction is a huge area of interest for me. Thank you for sharing.
Hey thanks for sharing this and writing so frankly. I read your stuff cause u keep posting good stuff. Hugs..to make up for the hate. U rock!
My husband and I are working through solidifying our boundaries on this topic. We just had our first child 3 months ago. And while before she was born I was right there with him in not wanting to have intimate or really any photos of my daughter (esp her identifiable face) on social media, once she was born and I was so enamored and proud, I wanted to share her individual self and beauty with all my current, old, and long distance friends and family. I was really torn because my husband and I had already made the decision but now I wanted some leniency. However, the pedophile internet browsers are real and I don’t want strangers to be able to identify my child. Anyway, we’ve both kept her off our social media profiles for now and I’m going to think of other ways to share her beauty and development with long distance friends and family. I considered creating a FB group that I only invite certain people to, but I’m still not sure how ‘secure’ those groups are. Thank you for your timely post.
This is such a GREAT post! I’m at the ‘grandma’ age now, and worry when I see nieces & nephews post so many pics of their children. My advice to other grandparents – NEVER post a picture of your grandchild without their parents’ consent. Safety of our little & not so little ones is so important in this day. It’s been about 10 years since our very small Christian school took the jr high/high school students to our local public school for a presentation from two CSI employees for the state of Missouri. By the end of the presentation I was shocked at how a pedophile can find a child right where they are by just a few clicks of the mouse using info found online (pics, newspaper articles, etc.) While one team member was teaching and showing ways this is done, the other was quietly doing what with his computer what they were teaching in the session. Imagine the shock of some students when toward the end of the presentation he was able to give a large amount of information about some of the students just from what he had assembled online. Not convinced? They also told about a child who was abducted & as the case was being investigated they learned the search began when a pedophile saw a picture of the child on grandma’s social media page and were took the beginning information from items in the background of the picture. They also cautioned to always turn off your GPS BEFORE taking pics with your phone because there is software that will pull up the coordinates and show exactly where the pic was taken. This was at least 10 years ago! Great article.
Thanks for your article! I feel the same way. I don’t post identifying pictures of my daughter online. I want her to be able to create her own digital identity when she is old enough.
It really took my family by surprise when I told them I didn’t want any pictures shared online. Because it’s so normal in my family to do that. Thankfully they’ve respected our wishes.
Thanks for writing about this topic. I haven’t found many articles specifically on this topic.