Mom guilt and FOMO pressure are so strong for mothers everywhere. This phrase is something to tell yourself when you start getting confused.
I love hearing what other mothers do for inspiration and wisdom. I don’t, however, love feeling guilty, inadequate, or sub par.
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It’s usually us that makes ourselves feel guilty, inadequate or sub-par. I recently read a quote that I believe will help us shed some of the guilt and pressure we put ourselves under.
Other people’s problems are not your problems
Just because someone else is bothered by a certain behavior in their home, doesn’t mean you have to be.
Let’s talk about some gray areas and how to shed unnecessary mom guilt.
I believe that most mom guilt doesn’t come from the blatantly obvious problems…
Obviously, there will be times when something is a problem even if we pretend it isn’t (like the effect of consistently eating unhealthy foods).
“It’s only a problem if it’s a problem to you” deals not with the black and white situations in life, but instead with the areas where we may be heaping on extra burdens.
So, in what ways can we use this phrase to help us shed some of the burdens off our shoulders? Let’s hash it out!
There are 4 areas of your life to lose the mom guilt…
So many mother’s fall into a comparison trap when it comes to raising children. It goes without saying that there is more than one way to care for a baby.
Let’s evaluate 5 areas that I feel mom’s fall into mom guilt and how to use the life changing phrase- “It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you.”
#1 How you feed is up to you
First of all, understand that other mothers love to offer “helpful” advice about feeding.
Secondly, you need to know that’s it’s up to you! You can breastfeed or bottle feed. You can start rice cereal at 5 months or skip it and introduce solids at 7 months. There are many ways to feed your kids, and it’s okay to pick what suits you best.
I like to hear how others do it, and often use their experiences as examples or to problem-solve.
For example, if nursing on a schedule is causing you major stress, then do what works for you.
Take my case for example… all my babies have had fast metabolisms (as do my husband and myself)!
So… by 5 months they were sucking rice cereal down like a banana strawberry smoothie with coconut flakes! By 6 months they were eating more than I was. Okay… that’s a slight exaggeration (but only slightly).
Remember…
- The truth is, hearing how someone else does something doesn’t mean you have to do that.
- Don’t feel guilty about doing it differently.
- You shouldn’t feel compelled to do what your neighbor does!
⭐ Eating or feeding habits are only a problem if they’re a problem for you.
#2 How you sleep train (or don’t)
In my research, I found that many women want their babies to sleep longer stretches. In fact, that may be why you found my blog in the first place!
For some, having a 6-month-old who wakes 4 times a night to feed is a problem. They get some tips, advice, and thoughts and then go make their own decision.
As discussed earlier, how you sleep train (or choose not to) is up to you! Don’t let the comparison of yourself to others trap you into a cycle of mom guilt about your baby’s sleeping habits.
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreIf you co-sleep, are completely against cry-it-out, and don’t mind waking up multiple times to feed because you see it as bonding, then go on with it! If both you and your baby are content and fine with the arrangement, there’s nothing more to say.
⭐ Sleeping habits are a problem if they’re a problem for you.
#3 Discipline behaviors that matter to you
Some mothers will require or restrict certain behaviors that you won’t. On the flip side, some mother’s will be more flexible with their children’s behaviors.
Although both may seem “off” to you…everyone is different.
In my case, I am fairly sensitive to my physical environment. Because of this, I dislike loud noises, background music, or persistent sounds. I perceive this as negative. Therefore, I absolutely cannot stand whining and screaming.
Not because of a moral issue, but because my heart begins to beat out of my chest. When there’s too much noise all I want to run for the hills. I do everything I can to eradicate these noises.
Here’s my point…
- Just because something bothers me, doesn’t mean you have to have that tendency with your kids.
- Something that may be problematic for you, may not bother someone else.
- Take what you learn from someone, and use it as a resource if you need to.
- One key way to loose mom guilt is to realize that all mom’s will handle certain things differently…and that’s ok!
⭐ If the behavior is amoral and non-destructive, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you.
#4 How you structure your day
I write a lot about routine and schedules, and I firmly believe they work well in any home.
Do I think every home should have one? Well, only if you want one!
When it comes to strutting the day, some people are fine getting up at 5:30am (God have mercy on those kind souls), some are happy to go with the flow, and some like fairly detailed routines and structure.
Don’t end the day with anxiety, stress, and a full mind.
This evening brain dump journal sheet will help you get in a peaceful mindset so you too can sleep peacefully through the night.
There’s no one size fits all.
You and a friend may do things completely different… and both raise well-adjusted happy children. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately) there’s no guaranteed formula in parenting.
⭐ One thing is for sure, holding onto mom guilt doesn’t help anyones style of parenting.
And it’s a great way to get stretched too thin.
Practical advice about structuring your day…
- Your preferred schedule is not going to match exactly with anyone else’s in the world.
- Researching and getting advice is very helpful! Pick and choose what works for you. Try some things out…
- Don’t be afraid to be flexible. Different season’s of life require different things.
- Loose the mom guilt about keeping a schedule just like someone who looks like they “have it all together.”
- Just do what works for you!
⭐ If you are more stressed with a routine than without, don’t create a problem by trying to stick to one.
What actually works for you?
If you see what a friend does or read articles that talk about things you never thought of, the pressure and guilt can enter in.
Sometimes… this is a sign that change may need to happen. Sometimes it’s a sign of nothing.
When I begin to think, “Oh my goodness should I do that?”… I evaluate my feelings.
- Am I filled with peace and encouragement?
- Do I feel guilty and heavy?
Depending on how I answer… I will either implement that in my home or repeat this phrase….
It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you…
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Sources:
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Jessie says
I feel guilty when I’m with a friend and her kids and I have looser boundaries than they do. For example, I let my daughter climb UP the slide if others are not using it, drinking out of cups as long as we’re on an easily cleaned surface, or not disciplining to the same degree. By the way, I’m so glad I found your blog; I find it a great resource!
Rachel Norman says
I let my kids climb up too if no one is on it! And I do cups too. Wahooooo, freedom :)
Janie says
Agreed! Sometimes I end up feeling like the mom with the messy/busy/wild child even though he’s happy and well behaved.
I’m so thankful for your blog. It’s nice to finally find others who parent like we do!
Rachel Norman says
OH Janie what a nice comment, it’s so nice to hear. And yes, I don’t mind a bit if mine are messy and dirty as long as they are well behaved and clean up when I tell them to ;)
egallis says
I love this!
Am I guilty, or have I felt guilty? ;) If the latter: yes, I have. Just the other day I had a mom friend comment to me that she thought it was (I’m not sure of the word to use here. Terrible? Unwise? Bad?) to let kids climb and jump on the furniture because then they go and do the same thing at other people’s houses. That’s something that I intentionally chose not to worry about in my home because: 1) I decided when my oldest was born that my furniture wasn’t going to be precious and off-limits, 2) with the exception of climbing on furniture, we worked very hard to house-proof our children and they respect those boundaries, and finally 3) playing “Don’t Touch the Floor” was an integral part of my childhood and the source of many happy memories. ;) But really, if I based all my house rules on the rules that other people might have in their homes, my kids would never be able to do anything or make any noise in the house, which is just silly.
Anyway, I really appreciated this reminder that we don’t always have to do what everyone else is doing.
Rachel Norman says
Yes! We have a couch I hate so I let then terrorize it! But I would never let them terrorize someone else’s (nor have they ever tried) so that is what I tell myself :) Don’t touch the floor, that sounds fun. Ha!
Marjolein says
You moms rock! Thank you Rachel. Reading your blogs a lot, translating the wisdom to all the mothers around me who ask: how do you do it? (I’m translating it to Dutch and German, though I wish there were more blogs like yours already translated, could help so many :) )
Rachel Norman says
Just read some posts and love your blog. So funny you are!
egallis says
Thank you! :D
Christy Johnson says
This post was just what I needed! My sweet four-month-old has been showing all signs of being ready for solid food but whenever I’d mention it to someone, they’d extol the virtues of exclusively breastfeeding until six months. My other two made it till 5 1/2 months, but my third baby just needed more (he was back to waking up twice at night to eat, after being on a nice 10-hours-at-night routine). I finally decided that I’m mommy and I’ll do what I feel is best for my baby, regardless of what other people think or say. And he loved the food!! And he’s been sleeping better again! Only a problem if it’s a problem for me – love it!
Eschewing “mommy guilt” is something I’m learning regarding our family. Both my husband and I are from large and wonderful families and we feel that our parents did a lot of great stuff raising us. We also grew up in a large homeschooling community that put a lot of emphasis on child training and positive results. Now that I’m in the thick of training little kiddos it’s easy to look at what our parents did (or what we remember) or at what other families and feel like I need to be doing those things too, and feeling guilty if I’m not living up to some kind of excellent ideal. I’m learning that while training is important, relationships with my kiddos is also a high priority. I don’t want to have perfectly trained children but lose their hearts.
And ha! I let my kids jump on our couch too. I let them watch some children’s TV shows on the computer while making dinner (gasp! – I grew up with no TV at all). So far, they’re turning out okay.
Anyway, I know I’m dealing with “mommy guilt” when I feel like, “O my goodness, I should be doing this! And doing it right now!” or “If I don’t do this, my children won’t turn out right” and getting all frantic about it. It’s much better when I hear an idea to take the time to talk it through with my husband and see if it fits our overall family vision.
Thanks!
Rachel Norman says
Christy, thanks for this insight. It is SO HARD to get rid of that mommy guilt, but something I believe is worth the fight. And good on you for going with your gut. I think that it’ll inevitably happen that sometimes what we feel we should do even goes against what we’d “like” to do, but best to be open to the Holy Spirit convicting us of something specific for our situation. and haha, us “moms who let kids jump on the couch” unite!!!!
Lois says
Yes! Thank to for this post!
Rachel Norman says
You are welcome! Hope it helps you like it does me :)
Krissy Bonning-Gould says
Such great advice! And I love how you related it to the different parenting situations that so often come with guilt and stress. Thanks for sharing!! Adding you to my feed reader! ;)
Rachel Norman says
Thank you, Krissy! I’m going to check out your blog and do the same on my Feedly :)
katepickle says
Love this… I fall into the guilt trap every now and then and it can be so hard to crawl out!
And yes.. every now and then I will hear another parent say something and all of a sudden I wonder if I should be thinking about/doing/caring about that. Usually I’ll beat myself up over it for a few minutes then realise I don’t have time for that and just get on with things! LOL
Rachel Norman says
Ha exactly. I think the same thing about not having time to worry. I know it’s a sign we just want to be the best mothers, but it is hard to let go!
Summer H. says
I found your blog through a Facebook page, Beauty Through Imperfection. At the moment, I am feeling tremendous guilt and it’s been weighing on me. When my son was 2, I knew he had a speech delay and sensory issues. We tried to get him help through the county but were so unhappy with how they tried to help them and the class they put him in when he turned 3 that we took him out. His dr. wasn’t much help. So, because I’m a stay at home mom, I thought I could help him at home. But the chronic fatigue took over and for 2 years, I was unable to do much with him. Earlier this year, I was able to get a referral from his dr. to an occupational therapist and then I found a speech therapist. I’ve also been able to help him for the last 2 1/2 months now. We do some sort of preschool routine every day and I work with him on the areas he needs help with. He just turned 5 and I am thinking he has a long way to go before kinder. He’s not even potty trained! Every day, I feel guilty for not helping him the last 2 years. Every day, I think to myself, if I could have helped him during that time, how far would he be today? I feel like I’ve let him down even though I’m doing something about it now and now is better then never. How do I get past the guilt?
Rachel Norman says
Summer what a heavy load you are carrying! First, no mother is perfect or perfectly able to do all that she wishes. Second, chronic fatigue is serious business! It is not an excuse you made to get out of helping. I believe you took him to specialists, did what you could, had to also deal with daily life while having such a hard condition. I pray that God would restore the years the locusts have eaten for your son and that you would be able to feel, know and see that you are a loving mother who did the best she could with the hand she was dealt!
Summer H. says
Thank you for your kind words! It really has helped me. I’m doing better today and I’m telling myself that it’s all in the past and now is what matters.
P.S. I’m really enjoying your site!
Hope says
Great article!!! This is the kind of view point I have. In the past I let myself feel inadequate bc I stopped breastfeeding and hear how some go on for a long time but then I sit back and know I made the right decision that works for us and that didn’t make me a bad mom for switching to bottles.. I still have all those special bonding moments anyone would. Boils down to each their own on what works and we are all great mommies and daddy’s. I like the phrase! Thanks for the great read ☺️
Rachel Norman says
Exactly, Hope, you’ll feel so much lighter without the guilt!
Metzli says
You are my new favorite Mommy Blogger :)
I think much in this way, but having a phrase to go with it is so much better.
I have a daughter who chooses to dress like a boy – drives her grandma – CRAZY! Solution – gender neutral clothes when we are with grandma. Why? Because everybody loves grandma and wants to spend their time laughing and having fun rather than trying to teach grandma about personal preference. This issue and solution causes SO MANY raised eyebrows, but you know who is happy? Me, my kid, and my mom.
Love your post <3
Rachel Norman says
Ha, do what you gotta do, girl! :)
V says
Great article! There has been too much pressure lately from writers, doctors, other parents on specific parenting things (especially on feeding habits) that really can create a lot of guilt on mothers. In my case, I had to quit breastfeeding when my lo was 5 months old because after I came back to work (when my baby was 4 months old) someone else had took my previous job so they assigned me a totally different and extremelly stresfull new job and also force me on a very demanding seven months after-hours diplomma. I managed to handle breastfeeding for a month but my baby always ate a lot and he was so miserable and he cried so much after eating or trying to suck that I just couldnt keep up with it. I felt like a failure, I felt guilty and I also blamed the baby’s father (who performed a dissappearing act just two months before I gave birth) because I was forced to have like two extra jobs (besides my already stressful regular job) in order to keep us both, it was extremely difficult. He’s now almost 3 year old and though he´s actually not the healthiest baby of them all regarding his stomach, I just have accepted keeping on breastfeeding would have been a tourture for both him and me.
Regarding sleeping habits, I remember when the baby was about 2 months old a friend of mine told me how he had managed to make both his kids sleep through the night without using cry-it-out. At the beggining I watched him with contempt since I had been so brainwashed about the whole “let your baby find his own flow” idea. However, as my maternity leave came to a close, I realized I had to do something, so I implemented his technique with a few variations that suited me and they worked fairly well. Now we have been struggling because he is leaving his bed and landing at my room (and my ribs) in the middle of the night and this really has made my nights difficult and my days crankier. I havent acted on it yet though because we are currently on potty training, on speech therapy and we also said good bye to the pacifier, so there are so many changes going on that something has to give. Besides, my parents will be visiting in three months and I will sleep with my l.o. during those two weeks, so any effort I do now will be lost in three months.
I guess most of the parenting advices around are great and well intended and they might be the best possible way but it is every parent risponsiblity to adjust each thing to their reality and their babies´.
Rachel Norman says
V, I’m glad you realize that what others do and what we have to do aren’t the same. You made THE BEST choice by quitting nursing if it was NOT working for you both. I think us moms would be happier if we knew we could just do what worked for us, offer help to others if they want it, but know that each family is different. You sound like a hard working mother and provider. Bless you!
Sarah says
I loved this! Something I’ve started to learn these first few months of parenting. I had a specific question for you, if you have the time.
I’m a stay at home mom to a 7 month old girl. She’s on a flexible schedule, thriving on the growth charts, happy etc. She’s never shown signs of separation anxiety when left with a baby sitter or family, but when it’s just the 2 of us at home she will start to cry immediately if I leave the room. She’s not crawling yet so she can’t come to me. Most times it is so I can run the folded laundry to the bedroom (we have a 1 story house), go to the bathroom or do my makeup. I can’t tell if this behavior is something I should more or less ignore (still leave the room, encouraging her that I’ll be right back), or if I should try to accommodate her and keep her in sight. Any tips, advice, would be great.
Rachel Norman says
Sarah, I’d probably do a combination. Reassure her before you go “mommy will be right back” and don’t go too far for more than a little bit. Then she’ll begin to trust that you will come back. Sweet baby girl!
Caroline Holt says
What a game changer this was! My husband and I have been bed-sharing with baby and she’s 8 months old now. Everyone was saying sleep train so we started and it totally messed up everyone’s rhythm. Nobody was getting any sleep! Then I read this.
Now we are all sleeping better than ever all because we trusted in what we knew was best for our baby, not some preset structured schedule.
Her sleeping habits weren’t a problem for us until someone told us they should be
Rachel Norman says
Yes!!!!!! It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for you :)
MMontano says
I love this article and share the main points of it regularly with family and friends. You have done an excellent job of naming “MomGuilt” and provide great strategies to taming it and the self-defeating thoughts that go along with it. Thanks for all your work!
Alicia says
I have found so many of your posts helpful, including this one. Comparison is definitely the thief of joy. I appreciate the specific examples you shared. Thank you!
Amanda says
This phrase is extremely freeing. Not sure I will be able to believe it when I tell it to myself, especially when disapproval comes from family with, uh, *very* strong opinions about raising kids, but darned if I won’t try! It will take practice for me.
The point about crazy noise is huge to me – I have friends who will let their kids scream for 30 minutes straight because they want them to feel free to express emotions. I get that, because I was discouraged from expressing mine as a kid, and am still working through that as an adult. But I Can. Not. Handle. Screams. It is, definitely, a problem for me. I shoot for a middle ground – “If you need to scream, you can to your room/outside. You can’t disturb the peace for the rest of us,” but I still 2nd guess it sometimes. This was good to hear. Thanks!!
Rachel Norman says
Amanda, I’m with you on this. Share some feelings, sure, but screaming? No.