Love as a Foundation

The bible speaks of building a house on sand or on a rock (Matthew 7). When a house is built on sand and a storm comes, the house has no hope of survival and it comes down with a heavy crash. On the other hand, the house built on the rock gets flooded and beaten on all sides by the wind but remains standing. The difference is the foundation. The house on the rock is solid. That is what love is to our children. It’s the foundation that gives them a fighting chance when the storms, winds, and floodwaters of life assail. And – no matter what we do to prevent and protect – the storms will come.

I talk a lot about obedience, respect, honor, hard work and discipline. I would never want anyone to think that makes me a harsh and hard-hearted mother who sees her children as a project. On a foundation of love we attempt to raise our children to be strong, loving, capable, self-confident and obedient to their Heavenly Father.

For this we need God’s help and His love to us so we can still pour out when we are feeling empty, unloved, ugly, fat, bored and unsatisfied. Those feelings don’t mean we can shirk our duties, they just mean we need more and more of God’s love to help build that solid, deep and lasting foundation in our own children.

Some thoughts on love as as the foundation of parenting.

(1) Love is not fickle or fleeting. 

I’ve written a post on what some common misconceptions of unconditional love are, but suffice it to say, love is not a fickle or fleeting feeling. Showing your children love is not simply hugs or kisses. Of course, love will lead to hugs and kisses and high feelings of delight. That is the joy of it! Love is a deep underlying orientation we have towards our children that says “whether I’m in a bad mood or you’ve disappointed me or the world is crashing around us, I am on your side.”

Sometimes we’ll feel like we don’t care for our children much and sometimes they’ll act like they don’t like us. Times and seasons and moods will change our ’emotional’ feelings towards ourselves, our lives and our children, but they should never change our general orientation and disposition towards them. Come hell or high water, the deep assurance that our children belong with us and we would have it no other way should be ingrained into their beings.

(2) Discipline is love. 

By discipline I don’t simply mean correction or punishment, but training. Training often comes after something is done incorrectly, thus we feel that discipline is a negative word. However, the bible tells us that God disciplines those He loves (Prov. 3:12). That fact alone should tell us that discipline and training are actually a manifestation of our love for them. We want what’s best for them. We want them to be safe and succeed.

If I didn’t discipline my child running into the street, trying to drink bleach from under the sink or kicking their sibling, I wouldn’t be showing them love. Love says “right now I need to show you just how important it is you listen to my instructions.” Love says “this habit of yours will cause you major trouble in the long run so I am going to show you a better way.” Love says “I know you don’t feel like or want to do these chores right now, but you won’t know the joys of succeeding if you don’t know how to carry your own weight.” The lack of discipline is not freedom. The lack of discipline brings bondage and enslavement to their own fleshly desires.

(3) Love is correcting behavior, not personality. 

I started Grace-Based Parenting, though I never finished it, and was impressed with one particular thought. Issues of morality and health and safety require correction whereas issues of personality and preferences do not. If your child insists upon wearing orange and green together – though the sight of it turns your stomach – telling your child those colors are ugly or she is silly is not helpful. Perhaps they think the colors look great together. They want to express their individuality. Good for them! Okay, maybe tone it down for a family portrait, but you get the idea.

We need to be sure that as they go through life we are not trying to discipline or correct their personality. Where their personality crosses over into sin, disobedience and rebellion – yes. Where their personality is simply an expression of how God made them, no. They don’t like to read the same books other children their age do, fine. They are very bookish and you were always an athlete, don’t force them onto a 2-a-day soccer team. Let them know that your love for them is not based on their personality. They don’t have to be like you.

(4) Love is not based on their behavior, but their position. 

Your child is your child not because they look like you or act like you. Those are byproducts of the fact that they were made (or adopted) by you. Their biological (or legal) status declares them heirs. I tell my children all the time that I love them. Sometimes when I do this it naturally follows that I want to tell them “I love you because you’re so… pretty or smart or sweet, etc.” But I often stop myself and think, “actually I just love them, and those things just make it extra nice to get to love them.” As our children age they will inevitably do things we dislike.

They may even go down very bad paths. Our actions towards them may have to change during this time, but our love never should. We don’t only love our kids if they do what we say. We don’t only love them if they make straight A’s. We love them because they belong to us. If they truly know that we love them no matter what, we will provide them with a security and acceptance so deep that many of the questions their hearts cry out to know will be answered. They need not go seek out answers in wrong places.

(5) Love is completely unique yet does not show favoritism. 

Every time I am pregnant with another child I always wonder how on earth I can expand my heart to love another child when it is already so full of love. I was genuinely worried about this when I was pregnant with my second. I needn’t have. My heart expanded appropriately and now I’m slightly less worried – though still concerned – about it with my third. How on earth can I love three children fully? Will they all three know I love them?

How can I be sure never to leave a child {emotionally} out? I believe that true love is unique and personal, yet does not show favoritism. God does not show favouritism (Rom. 2:11) therefore I believe perfect love can love extravagantly and fully and yet not favor one child over the other. I wrote a post called Do you have a Favorite Child? that nobody read (either because nobody has one or they were too scared to really ask themselves that question), but I think it’s so important we don’t let one child think we love them less. In the favorite child post I speak about an experience in a Christian counseling course where there sat 45 adults.

The lecturer asked us to raise our hands if we grew up knowing we weren’t the favorite. As an only child, I was truly shocked at the number of hands that went up. Read about it here. Our children will all be different and how we bond and relate will vary. This is to be expected, but I believe we can parent our children and let them know that they are perfectly unique, and we love them for it.

That song “all you need is love” is going through my head and, while catchy, I think it’s a load of malarkey. It isn’t all our children need, but it is surely the first and most important thing they need. I think love is the foundation upon which we build, but if you don’t build on that foundation then you’re just standing on a rock with no house.

Love is the foundation and beginning of our parenting journey and relationships with our children. Without it, our family’s house will blow away when the storms come. Without a rock hard love foundation, our children may try to go out and seek answers in wrong places. We’ll never get it all right, but love is where we start.

Read related posts on What Unconditional Love is
and what it Isn’t, Do you have a Favorite Child? and
Nurturing Children Spirit Soul + Body