Are you considering having a lot of kids close together in age or having a big family? This post will help you think on all the angles.
When you can no longer fit your whole family into a sedan… that’s when I consider it “big.”
When you can barely squeeze in a large booth at a restaurant.
And when you start getting stares at the grocery store and people wonder if you’re running a daycare.
A nurse who helped deliver my last two babies said, in her mind, a big family started at 5 kids.
But I believe she had 7 kids which I class as an “extra large” family so there you have it.
Size matters.
It matters on the type of vehicle you have to drive, the size of house you might choose to live in, the amount of money you’ll spend on groceries, how many times you have to double a recipe, and the noise level in your home.
Just to name a few things.
If you’re considering having a lot of kids, however you define that, then I hope this post will help you think it through.
Should I Have a Lot of Kids?
Full disclosure: I have 5 kids and could not imagine my life without all of them. To me, obvs, big families rock.
Husbands… if you only want one or two kids and your wife is letting you read this… don’t send me hate mail. :)
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It’s Not an Exponent, but It is a Multiple
Having no kids to having one child is a huge change. Having two instead of having one is less severe.
And having 4 instead of 3 is more, but not exponentially more. You’re already changing diapers, reading bedtime stories, cutting up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and handling tantrums.
Now you’re just doing it with more kids.
People say that after 3 kids it’s a nuthouse. I personally believe the nuthouse begins at 4 kids. For what it’s worth.
Two you’re already outnumbered.
Three you’ve got to keep a firm grasp to run a tight ship.
Four requires an razor sharp brain and the ability to ignore some things you don’t like.
Read: Daily Schedule for 4 Kids Aged 4 and Under
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You Must Be (Or Learn to Be) A Major Majorer As A Big Family Manager
If you are the type of person that needs everything a certain way or you don’t function, you either need to refrain from having a large family or you need to follow Elsa’s lead and Let It Go.
I personally chose (by force) to Let It Go. I still love order, still want kids who mind and obey, but I’ve learned to Major in the Majors and Minor in the Minors.
For us this looks like:
- Starting and ending the day with a tidy enough house, but not running behind my kids all day to clean up
- Letting kids dress themselves because it saves work. If it doesn’t match or it’s highwater and it isn’t church or a family photo, I don’t care.
- Loosening the grip on some rules and doing away with others altogether. I don’t mind if they run in the house if they’re playing, for example.
Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane
Your Home and Life Will Not Look the Same With A Big Family
If you have one or two kids and are still hanging on to the vestiges of pre-mamahood… those will be done away with when you have a large family.
For starters, you cannot maintain tight control on everything with so many kids.
It’s just impossible.
Two, by nature of the fact you have a lot of kids you just won’t have as much time. Three, good luck finding someone who will babysit all the kids if you want to be gone during meal or bedtimes.
At least, good luck finding someone to do it often.
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Your home can still be tidy, but imagine how big of a mess one toddler makes? Multiply that by 5 and, even if your kids know they must clean up after themselves, if you interrupt them mid-play the house looks like an episode of Hoarders.
Strong and happy families have carefully crafted Family Cultures. They don’t let guilt drive them, rather they spend their time and energy digging deep into a few key family areas that pay off in spades.
Learn MoreYou can still have drop zones, good organization, and good home systems, but your home will look like children live there.
Because they do.
Read: The Non-Obvious Reason Your Home is Chaotic
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Learn MoreBig Family Energy Exists… Can You Handle It?
You know you can go out with a group of friends or go to an event somewhere and you feel that energy?
That energy that says “Something is happening. Tonight is going to be fun.”
Well, with a large family, that excitement is the norm. It always feels like something is happening. In fact, many things are always happening.
I can sense it myself and other kids most definitely sense it. When one child comes over and all 4 of my (mobile) kids run up to this child smiling huge grins and welcoming them…
I can feel that child feel it.
It’s a sense of excitement, energy, and movement. If you are a quiet introverted type, this may be a struggle. Or it may just mean you get better at finding time for yourself in the everyday.
Food Shopping Is No Joke For Big Families…
A dear friend is married to one of four boys. He said his mom would cook a normal sized dinner then throw a loaf of bread and some butter on the table to tell the kids to fill up.
This is life with a lot of kids.
They eat and eat and eat and eat and you better cook from scratch and let them go hungry sometimes or you’ll spend $356,346 on groceries a month.
We do pretty well and don’t overspend the budget most months, but it is a factor. If you hate cooking from scratch and tripling recipes and want to cook every meal with nice cuts of meat and fancy fixins… it gets a bit cost prohibitive with a lot of mouths to feed.
There is Less Time Per Child In a Big Family
Most moms really want to spend one on one time with their kids. We love our little ones and want the to feel special, included, and cherished.
The more kids you have the more creative you have to be. You have to capitalize on the little moments throughout the day.
You don’t have as much time for grand gestures with each child.
It’s possible, but it isn’t as easy.
On the other hand, the kids are not sitting around lonely either. Even times when I’m wanting to spend individual time with one child, they often want to bring a sibling!
I like to take one child with me on errands as much as possible. This is one way to fit it in. I have a fried who lets one child per night stay up half an hour later to have time with the parents.
Each family is different, but you have to make it happen whereas when you only have one or two children, it happens naturally.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
If you are wondering how many kids is the right number or if you can really handle it, I want to assure you.
You’ll know.
You’ll feel it inside.
And no matter what, you can handle it.
FAQs on Big Families
If you only have 2 kids, then 3 seems like a lot. To “large families” 3 kids isn’t a lot, and a family is typically considered big with 4 kids or more. But this is all opinion :)
Lots of built in playmates, chances to learn sharing, responsibility, and getting along with others. More people to love!
With home systems, organization, and distribution of chores and household tasks. Lots of life skills learned.
Well, that depends on the family. Big families aren’t necessarily any happier than small families, depends on the people.
Well, that totally depends on how many kids your budget can handle, your emotions can handle, and your level of sanity can handle.
Depends on the parents :). Some parents want one child but feel a lot of guilt since their child doesn’t have a built in play mate, etc. Lonely onlies end up just fine, but some parents suffer being worried about it.
Less money, less time, more people’s hearts and minds to cultivate, and generally a louder and more rambunctious home. This may be good or bad to you :)
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Great photos. I am one of 5 children born close together and it was lots of fun and noise growing up! I am so glad I have their company and support now I’m older and appreciate all my Mom did for us. Looks like you’re doing a great job.
Suz, oh good. So you still like them into adulthood? Ha!
Definitely. We obviously annoy each other at times, but we get on well most of the time! It’s great.
As a mother who dreamed of having 5 to 7 children (my family had 4 and my husband had a baker’s dozen), we’re on our 4th year of trying to conceive. I’ve almost gotten used to being a one kid family who just babysits for friend a lot. But there’s a small part of me that’s losing confidence in my mothering capabilities the longer this takes, so thank you! I appreciated how well covered this sensitive subject and felt encouraged and enabled.
Danielle, bless you girl. So you have one child and are still trying for another or don’t yet have one?
Love this! I’m a mom of 8 (6 boys!) and I can totally relate! It is a crazy busy hard expensive loud place to be, but I absolutely love it and can’t imagine life any other way! It’s hard to believe my husband thought he only wanted one!
Hahaha, 1…. Ha. Well he got more than he bargained for.
Hi! love your blog and tips.
I was just wondering whether you’d be willing to disclosed the type of birth control you were on before you had baby number 5? I am stressing out, because I definitely want to be done at 5 kids!
I did not have an IUD, which I now believe to be the only way I’d really feel it was going to prevent pregnancy, if that helps!
I was just scouring the interenet for a post like this the other day! I’m 3 weeks away, give or take a week, from having my third baby in 3 1/2 years. Exciting but kind of scary wondering if I can handle it when my husband is in school full time and working two jobs! ? I’ve had the thought that I wanted a big family (maybe 6) for a few years now but just recently thought maybe 4 was big enough for me. Glad to know I’ll just know when I have the right number. ☺
Amanda, yes and don’t feel you have to decide right now. Life is so difficult with school and working part-time and then having other little ones. You’ll know, and when you “come up for breath” when they’re a bit bigger you just never know what you’ll think!
Great post. I had three under three (oldest is now 5) and it was pretty crazy at times but we still want more! The joy outweights the temporary chaos!
Absolutely!
This is a great post, Rachel! We have a 2 year old toddler and are still very unsure about how many kids we want to have. You always have great stuff on your site!
I really enjoyed your post. I currently have 3 with talks of a 4th in a year or so…we’ll see what God has planned. Anyway, you have beautiful family!
Thank you, Lara!
As a stay at home mommy of 6 and a in home daycare provider is all true. and they tell all sign that I was done was after I had baby number 6 I was no longer jealous of any one I saw pregnant or with me babies.
:) I am with you. My last pregnancy every time I saw people with flat stomachs I was like WHY IS MY STOMACH ALWAYS HUGE? Ha.
Mama of 5 here (3 boys then 2 girls)! Mine are a little more spread out. My oldest just turned 13 and my youngest is 4 months (with an almost 5 year gap between boy #3 and girl #1) so even though it’s definitely cray-cray, I at least have good help! Lol. What keeps me sane on days the baby is needy or has had a poor night’s sleep, is knowing my boys and my almost 3yo are pretty independent and can do for themselves if needed, and even help me while Dad’s working. They bicker with each other, they argue with me about chores and things, and generally drive me up a wall, but I am constantly complimented by others about them, so I know we’re doing something right!
We’re done having biological kids, but we plan to foster/adopt when we have a bigger house (last two weren’t planned and got here before we got that worked out, lol). I didn’t mind being pregnant, but my last two were soooo draining, I’d like not to repeat that process. So my husband “took one for the team.”
What amazed me with my last surprise (not an oops!), is how much flak I got from unexpected people, and how much I DIDN’T get where I was expecting it! Ugh.
I experienced that too. some people were super enthusiastic (that you wouldn’t expect) and others who are supposely family friendly were negative. Ha!
This is so true! I can relate to everything you said. I come from a family of 11. My husband comes from a family of 10. So my husband and I have 6 kids. When people comment on how large our family is, I tell them that’s not big. I used to consider 6 kids a medium sized family, but nowadays it’s changed. I personally think a large family is when you can’t fit anymore into a mini van and need a 12 seat van.? But thats my opinion. May God bless all the moms with large or small families.
Natasha, ha yeah if you need a 15 passenger then you’re REALLY a big family :)
Hi Rachel, I’ve really been enjoying your articles, and passing some on.
I birthed one daughter followed by 6 sons (so you & I are somewhat similar that way.) They are still good friends with each other as adults. As an INFJ it was indeed a struggle (plus w homeschooling) – but such a blessing!!!
Oh wow you were able to homeschool them all? I LOVE that.
As a mom of five ages 4,3,3,2, and 1, I have learned the best thing I can do is to take a deep breath and PRAY! Really it is about finding what works for you and your family. So we don’t make it out of the house till 11. I got a lot of sweet snuggles though!
This isn’t SO helpful! My husband and I both grew up with 7 siblings, and big family life is all we know. I want 5 kids minimum. But I’m also a total perfectionist and have a hard time being a control freak. I really needed to read this. This reminded me that I need to prepare myself for the chaos, and be aware of when we might need to stop and/or when I’m ready for the next one. Great article. :)
I love all your writings!
I would love to see one about tips and tricks for welcoming a new baby home… what do you do to survive the transition with other kids at home? I am going to have my third and am nervous about managing all the chores, dealing with the jealousy toddler/preschooler issues and not sleeping again. Would love your thoughts!!
Great idea for a post, Joanna!
This is so helpful. I have been pondering some of these things recently. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and things to consider. We’ve been discussing whether to add more children or not; this is helpful and clarifying for me!
My husband was one of 11, I was one of 8, and we’ve been blessed with 10 living children, with an age range of 17 years between youngest and oldest. What can I say? It has been the most fun and energetic “project” of my life…I’m a bookworm by nature and caring for all these children brought a level of energy, enthusiasm, sparkle, wisdom, creativity, wit and so much fun into our lives. Though we are spread around the globe, two of the best features I see in my grown children are the love and fun they have with their siblings and spouses and what great “natural” parents they all are….they amaze me!
I wonder if mine will spread around the globe too! Ha!
I love this article. I am currently pregnant with my 5th baby. My husband and I are a blended family. when we met I already had three who are now 11 (girl), 9 (boy), 8(boy), and we share our youngest girl who is 2. we knew at first we wanted at least one together as he accepts the other three as if they were is very own. we had been on the fence about a 5th baby for a while. Once we found out as it was a surprise we couldn’t help but feel excited, and plus he is excited to have at least one more with his DNA as well. So we are nervous but excited and this article was actually reassuring. So thank you!!