Inside: Does it drive you nuts when people say their husbands are “babysitting” the kids? Here’s why your husband is not doing you a favor by watching the kids.
Note: This post was originally published in 2014, but bears repeating.
This is how the conversation used to go at our house.
Me: I’m feeling the need for some alone time. Do you think it’s okay, if you are up to it, if I go out for an hour or two and have a break?
Husband: Sure, sounds good.
Me: Oh, thank you thank you thank you, I won’t tarry. Again, am so so thankful.
Husband: That’s fine, just let me know if I need to fix dinner or if you’ll be home in time.
{An hour or two elapses at my destination where I don’t fully relax because I feel low levels of guilt. I then begin to feel sorry for my husband because, boy, 5 kids 8 years old and under sure is a handful. I go on home and dive right back in not refreshed as I’d hoped.}
Me: Thanks sooooo much for watching the kids. I really appreciate it. I mean, honestly, it was so nice to get away.
Husband: Not a problem, any time.
Do you see what’s happening there? Do you see how I used to rob myself of enjoying time away? How, even when I was away from home, I was focused on what was happening at home?
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
Do you know why?
➡️ It’s because – in my mind – I acted as though my husband was doing me a favor by watching the kids. ⬅️
Before I asked him, while I was away, and immediately upon returning home I felt I was getting away with something. And that’s stupid. Why?
Because my husband is every bit as responsible for our children as I am.
He’s not doing me a favor by watching our kids, he’s simply fulfilling his role as a father.
1. He is half responsible for their existence
Unless I’m mistaken, you didn’t get pregnant on your own. Even if you’re the primary carer of your children because you stay home all day with them, that doesn’t mean he has no fatherly responsibilities.
Now, this post isn’t about our husbands so much as about our own thoughts regarding this area.
If you fall into the trap of thinking that you – only you – are responsible to take care of them 24/7/365 until they’re 18 then you are in for some hard years.
- He is their father.
- He helped bring them into being.
- He can watch them without you feeling lax in your duties.
2. He isn’t hired help
When you hire a babysitter you likely leave a detailed list, carry out extensive preparation in case there’s any hiccup, check in frequently while away, and make sure to come home on time.
This is because having a babysitter or a nanny is more of a contractual obligation. A father, on the other hand, is a pivotal part of the family. He is a leader in the home, and as such, you should guard against seeing him as an occasional babysitter.
Why?
Because he’s just as important to the well-being and development of your children as you are.
The kids love him.
They want to be with him.
You don’t have to rush home after a hurried dinner as though he’s an 19-year-old college student with a mid-term coming up.
Allow him to love and serve your family by spending time with your children.
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3. Be grateful, don’t grovel
Just because I think a husband and father has a responsibility to take care of his children does NOT mean I’m saying take it for granted. By all means be appreciative and express your thanks.
Take advantage of the time and respect his willingness to watch them by actually enjoying yourself while you’re away.
If you have to grovel, beg, and thank him profusely for watching the kids for a few hours then there are other issues going on that need addressing.
Be kind, be nice, and show appreciation. But don’t act as though he’s doing you a favor by minding his own offspring.
4. Don’t feel guilty, enjoy yourself!
I struggled with this for a long time until I realized that my husband isn’t doing me a favor, he’s just fulfilling his role.
He never minded watching the kids, was always willing when he was able, and loves to be with them.
➡️ It wasn’t his behavior or mindset that was the problem, it was mine.
I couldn’t let go of the mental responsibility of taking care of the kids long enough to enjoy myself while away. I anticipated he’d resent me for asking. I rushed home to make sure things were fine. It robbed me of refreshing time away (something that I really believe in).
He and the kids were always fine when I was away. When I started seeing things differently, the only thing that changed was I actually enjoyed the gift of time my husband gave me when he watched our kids.
5. Prepare (or don’t) and then let it go
I used to think I needed to prepare every little thing before I left.
I didn’t.
You probably don’t either.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Your husband is a grown man and he can problem-solve on his own.
No wipes? Use a wet paper towel. Out of diapers? Improvise. If you are a natural prepper then do your best and let the chips fall where they may.
If you know your husband can handle it, just let him figure it out.
The kids may eat fast food, skip a bath or two, be put in clothes that don’t match, and have tangled hair… but you know what?
Who cares!
It’s your chance to take a deep breathe and not have to worry about it so, mama, don’t ruin it for yourself.
::
Great post!
I too used to worry and over prepare…now I know my husband and son will be fine.
I think we have a pretty good balance of family time, solo time, and one on one time with our son.
And my husband always says my son is better behaved when I am not there!
Ha sometimes I come home and they get all whiney and he says “They were totally fine until you got here” :)
My MIL would always say that! “They never whined until you walked in the door. Granny never allows whining!” :-) I didn’t always take that well! lol
Pahaha! I wonder why that happens…
I’ve been told that one many times too, or “it was quiet and calm until you walked in the door”. Really? Not nice! LOL I’d be happy to leave or go hide in my room for the rest of the night ;) We have 5 kinds and I have started going away for a weekend once a year, the first time our youngest was 1 and I was sooooo nervous! I still get nervous but not b/c I don’t trust him, it’s just b/c. And I do still feel guilty until I start relaxing wherever we went (and we go a few hours away so its not like we can just go back home! and we only take 1 car too.). I love this post so much! Thank you for sharing this. When our oldest ones were younger I felt guiltier than I do now and he always says just go… love my man :)
Ha, mine always tells me the same thing. They were playing peacefully and when mommy comes home they fight for attention. :) I think the younger they are the more nervous you can be for sure because there are so many things they can do to get into ‘trouble’!
I have never had my daughter with my husband alone for longer than 2 hours whilst I am at church and it’s 2 min from the house and even then I come home to some sort of disaster like yoghurt all over the floor or she has no underwear nor pants when it’s cold ect, he just simply doesn’t watch her but continues with his online business and attends our daughter when she cries. I am tired.
Oh Agnes, that is indeed a discouraging situation. I can only pray that you find someone else, perhaps, who can help and support you when you need time alone and refreshment!
Agnes, have you tried communicating with him your concerns. I know I have met men who are non-observant with their children, and that breaks my heart. But I am sure that he loves you and your daughter. Maybe you could lovingly point that out to him… I mean I am sure you have already, but this just makes me sad and I want to fix it for you.
All of us Moms need to master the philosophy of team work. That both parents are responsible what occurs in this family. Remind him how critical it is that children be watched with their safety and developement in mind. They need to be safe so he will need to check on them every 5-10 min more often if they are younger. If you have work to do, youll need to complete it in the same room as them (that what laptops are for) or save it for when another person is watching them or after they sleep. Children need engagement without the usage of tech so be creative and create something fun for his kids to do such as bake cookies, play a board game or cards, wash the car with them and when you are done do not wait for someone else to clean up the mess-there is no someone else. While he is home, ask him nicely to do a few never ending chores around the house -cook a meal, fold laundry, vacuum, take the dog for a walk, unload the dishes. Remind him that multi tasking is the key to having the time to do something you want to do later like exercising, shopping online or watching a program on netflix. Remind that the only way I have time to have coffee with a friend on some weekends is because I’m talking on the phone to my mother and folding laundry at the same time. Difficult to do but not impossible. Humans are pretty evolved. And when you leave and he is parenting, work on your own mother gulit, he is capable and he will not be perfect and with practice he will. When you come back and the paint brushes arent washed and the poster board is still on the table DO NOT PUT IT AWAY FOR THEM. If the left over Mac N Cheese is still on the counter do not put it away even its been on the counter for hours. Once you understand that you are not the housekeeper and family assistant and that from now on your husband will need to take on half of the errands and chores and child rearing even if he refuses to help. If you are part of team at work and one person isnt pulling their they should be reprimanded and it your should make it clear that this is not acceptable and act dissappointed. Hopefully he will change. If he doesnt so be it but remind your children when people live together they need to equally participate in family duties -equally fill out the christmas cards, equally cook and clean up up after Thanksgiving dinner, equally plan birthday parties, equally buy the school supplies at the begining of the school year, equally buy grocieries and cook meals. Be the new example to your daughters and sons of what responsiblities are. I did. It took about 4 years of me consistantley asking if he has bought his side of his family christmas gifts, placing the entire stack of christmas cards in front of him while telling him that Im making two side dishes for his parents christmas party, , telling him-after one sunday afternoon when he asked me if I plans for dinner yet- that I bought groceries last week and its his turn and right now I plan on making bacon, rice and green beans because that what we had in the freezer and asking him to fill out all the paperwork for the middle school, so the school has his email and telephone numbers so he can receive the hundreds of yearly emails they need to send. We both work and now I have time to actually get my haircut or get have lunch with my mom. Life is good for me and my kids are getting a better idea of what home ownership and parental responsibility is.
Lovely post and very good reminder … husbands and wives collaborate on children being here and both are responsibility. I definitely identify with the feeling of being done a favour and also the feeling being responsible together. You’re right that mothers should have the right mindset about it, it makes to make life less tense. Thanks for sharing, God bless you real good.
Thanks, Mo! I wanted to be sure and not husband bash here, so I’m glad you got out of it what I meant. That we need to have a right mindset as well! Bless you real good too!
YES, especially to #5! Trust that your husband can handle it, because God has given him that ability just as much as He has given it to you! We do our husbands a disservice when we don’t actively show that we trust his judgement and child-rearing skills.
I agree. My husband has surprised me routinely with his problem-solving skills while I was away. Ha!
God entrusted our children to two parents… not just a mom.
I am guilty of thinking of all the things I need to get done. I could be home doing this or that and now I will be behind on this or that. So is it worth going out? I know my husband won’t do the this or that. It will be waiting for me when I get home. So when I run an errand, I am literally flying. I am not sure I even breathe. I love this article. I so need to slow down, and enjoy, respect, the time I get for me.
Jennifer, we must be kindred! I used to think… “what’s the point, I’ll just come home with MORE chores to do that would have been done if I’d stayed at home.” HA. If it’s really important I ask him to do it, otherwise I Just consider it a loss for the day. Some things will be there tomorrow!
I love this and agree with it so much. I must say though, in my marriage, I don’t ask my husband to watch the kids very often. My reasoning is out of respect for how tired I know he is after working long hours all week long so I don’t have to work. So I can stay home and care for our children. He tells me all the time that my “job” as stay-at-home mom is far more exhausting than any job he’s ever held. I appreciate his compliment but I’ve worked full-time outside of our home too when my oldest daughter was just a baby. I know the need for down time when getting home from a long day or week at work. So yes, occasionally I ask him to watch the kids so I can go do something for myself, but first I make sure he’s not in need of some down time too. It’s just the way I love him. :)
Rosann, thanks for sharing your perspective. You are certainly right that caring for kids is exhausting in itself so if he’s already exhausted, sometimes taking a load off him is a way to bless him. As long as you aren’t losing your mind in the process, everyone feels good :)
Very well put Rachel. My wife stays at home with our 5 & 3 yr old, and she has often told me she feels a bit guilty when leaving them with me. I have assured her that I’m not babysitting – they are my own children, and go take some time to relax. She still needs reminded of this, but does much better than before. I’ve also told her that we both have cell phones – if I don’t call you while you’re out, it means all is good – no need to rush home. I may be the ‘bread-winner’ in the home, but her job is much more difficult!
Matt, thanks for bringing a male input :) We women are funny. We want to get some time alone and then, when we get it, we wonder if we’re wrong or we feel guilty. Glad you are encouraging her out of that cycle. It’s hard to break, but once broken feels so freeing!
I’m very thankful my husband has always encouraged me to take time away, guilt free. I never have to arrange anything. And if I need to disappear at the drop of a hat, he’s fine with that. And all four kids thoroughly enjoy their time with their dad. He even plans outings w/o me asking. Last Saturday he took them all hiking and I spent the day rearranging my kitchen and enjoying my peace and quiet :) I am very blessed!
Melinda, GOLDMINE! Mine is very happy to watch them, but usually prefers to watch them at home while I go away. Sometimes, though, you just wanna be home alone, ha!
This is great. I must admit that I have felt that way with my husband. I am working on letting go of the mommy guilt and letting him be the dad. That is so important in the child’s development that they can interact and be together with both parents. Great post!
Thanks, Elizabeth! It’s that annoying mommy guilt that often makes life hard for us, doesn’t it?
I agree in part. First off, I agree, there is no reason to show any gratitude to a spouse (or partner) , before or after they help out. You do not even need to be polite and say please or thank you. Why bother? That is how marriage works.
As for the rest, what are you talking about? Husband/fathers are just the sperm donors and have ZERO rights. He has no say over my body or my baby so he has no say in raising her either. It would not make sense to say he is responsible to care for her when he has no say.
Well, you are right in that the “rights” and “responsibilities” definitely differ depending on your family situation. Thanks for pointing that out!
Single Mom, I’m sorry you feel this way. Being polite (by saying thank you) is just that — being polite. You’d say thank you to the mailman and to the grocery checker, right? And I “bother” because I appreciate every kind thing he does for me, regardless of how trivial. And fathers are more than sperm donors. They are examples, good or bad, as are the mothers. The kids will certainly pick up on whether I treat their father with love and respect or contempt — and will more than likely mimic my actions when they are parents themselves.
Wow you sound like a blast to be stuck with for life
I am a brazilian, stay at home mum of 4.
In Brazil, husbands are not very helpfull, but thankfully my one is Irish and I’ve being living in Dublin for the past 7 years, at least here I can see this is a very normal thing to do.
Mums time out!
I don’t feel guilty at all, unless I talk to my mum….then…she makes me feel terrible :( Different culture I supose.
Interesting you bring up the cultural aspect. I think you’re right, in some cultures men simply don’t watch the kids alone because it’s seen as the women’s job. I lived in the UK for a few years and fathers definitely seemed hands on there, the ones I knew anyway! How do you cope in foggy Dublin as a Brazilian?????
Oh! Dearrr, this is hard for me I must say….
That’s why for exemple, 2 weeks ago I went to Barcelona on my own (not feeling guilty at all!) to get a little bit of sunshine :)
Pahaha. Good for you, chica ;)
I think the other problem is that we not only feel guilty be we know our husbands don’t mother – they just can’t. They are not mothers they are fathers. And fathering looks different than mothering does. They are not going to feed them the same meals we would necessarily or do the same activities. I think that can be a control issue that many mothers need to let go of too, the care your child will receive will not necessarily be worse than the care you would give if you were home just different.
Exactly! My husband will do fast food or leave them in pyjamas or whatever and at the end of the day. WHO CARES! I used to think it mattered, but now I’m just happy if I come home and they’re alive and well.
It wouldn’t be a favour it’d be a miracle!! He neither offers or agrees. I will get my ‘time off’ when they are all at school. I just have to be patient, another 3 years.
So yes if it ever happened I’d be in floods of thankful tears
Oh, girl, sorry that your husband isn’t willing to watch the kids for you. I know that not all men are. Whether they can’t be bothered or are secretly scared they won’t know what to do. It’s a blessing you have some time off while they’re at school, though, so I hope you take advantage :)
We have a three month old and I’m exclusively breastfeeding (today I feel like they might drop off but that’s another story). My husband sometimes seems to get a panic on when I suggest that I go out and he looks after the baby – mainly because he has a fear of running out of expressed milk and then the baby screaming the house down or something like that. Admittedly after leaving him (baby not husband!) with my Mum this afternoon with about 7oz of expressed milk which should have been enough for the two ish hours I was gone. We still had a feed for 10 minutes before we went home because he was still hungry. Maybe we need to consider supplementing with formula when I’m not around or when supplies are short….either that or I need to give up Slimming World and just eat! Make sure I have enough calories coming in to be giving them out in milk.
Hannah, I do know what the feeling is like when you are exclusively breastfeeding. I rarely leave the baby for longer than an hour or two then because if you don’t have enough expressed milk frozen (which is sometimes the case) and a growth spurt hits. BAM. Men can feel nervous not because they don’t want to, but because they simply don’t have milk :)
I still have that feeling sometimes..Not because I feel bad for my husband cause I know it would be fine. But me as a mum I am used to it being there for the boys for almost 5 years. Having no family around , kids and hubs is all I have. But if he takes them out and be gone for long time, I am shouting and dancing from the rooftop enjoying my life haha. So weird.. But thankfully it’s getting better.
Great post! I though back then I was the only one feeling like this! So great to know I’m not alone
Yasmina, I’m far from family too! I know what you mean that there’s a very strong connection when you or your husband are pretty much the only ones who ever look after them. You feel at a loss when you’re away almost. Ha :) Glad it’s improving!
If you can’t trust the father of your children to be alone with his kids you picked the wrong person to become a parent with.
Sometimes the guys tell me stories about how their wives complain about how the dads are taking care of the kids. Almost every story boils down to mom doesn’t like how dad is doing things because it is different from how she does it.
Different doesn’t mean wrong, it just means it is different and that shouldn’t be a problem.
Agree, Jack. I had to let go of thinking my husband would do what I did. And, funnily enough, when you let go of the worrying about how the house will look or the kids, you actually feel free!
If it helps, know that while us dads are watching the kids, we want you to relax as well. It serves everyone for our wives to decrease stress and relax a bit. Most of us are happy to (and we’re all more than capable of) taking care of the kids, so there’s no need to worry.
Keep spreading the word, because moms deserve to relax as much as anyone.
Thanks, Nick :) I think my husband feels much like you do and I hope there are many more men around who feel the same!!
My husband has almost always been happy to let me have alone time. All but one of my kids are full blown adults now (one is special needs and still lives at home and the other is a teenager) and I have more free time without my husband having to oversee their care. However there have been a few times where my husband has taken the kids away for the weekend and I have had a staycation. I have a lovely craft studio that is my favorite place to be when not being a wife and mom but sometimes I just don’t get to spend as much uninterrupted time in there as I would like. Most recently he took them to our church family camp. So many people asked me why I didn’t go and mentioned that they missed me. I told them that I chose to have a much needed staycation and that it was great and that all mom’s should have the opportunity (I really emphasized it to the dads) to have uninterrupted time for themselves as needed. My husband spent most of our marriage in the military and i was effectively a single parent for many, many years. I cherish my alone time to this day and I can honestly say it has made me a better mom.
Shellie, I often go away for the weekend (or 48 hours ish) to a hotel fairly near. I LOVE IT! I think you are so right, that sometimes just getting away and being alone is exactly what the doctor ordered. I feel myself relax and become expectant to see the kids, but without the frustration and annoyance right under the surface!
I love this! One of my pet peeves is when people say my husband is “babysitting” the kids. My husband doesn’t babysit the kids — he is their dad! He parents them! Thanks for sharing!
Ha, Cheri! Exactly. I heard another mother say, “It ain’t called babysitting if they’re your babies!” :)
My ex husband use to say I am not babysitting for you, it would drive me crazy when he said that. He was their father, he was as responsible for them as I was. It is called parenting, that is what parents do!
Exactly!
Mommy guilt is something fierce! Great post! Totally agree!
Very fierce!
In fact, Gen 2:18 tells me that I am my husband’s helpmeet – it is not the other way around! I helped my husband in the task of raising our children. He trusted me and respected me enough to delegate many tasks but ultimately he always assumed the final responsibility. So there was no need for me to feel guilty about some time away from the home and children. Fact is, I didn’t take too much time away as he also worked full time… but the concept is the same.
If your husband saw child rearing in that way I am sure you felt loved, covered and free to get a break guilt free!!!! Good man!
It drives me absolutely bananas when people ask if my husband is babysitting our kids. One time I sorta snapped at an older woman from church who asked that and I replied, “Nope, he’s parenting!” (I was post-partum so I think she excused me.) Loved this. Right on.
Ha! I will use that phrase from now on :)
My husband tries really hard to make sure I get out of the house daily. He just switched to a second shift job (that is much better for him) but now it is the adjustments. When I would leave before it was after dinner, all he had to “handle” was bedtime. Well now, I am escaping during the day and there is so much more involved. Today it was lunch and nap — I know we are all adjusting to this, I just wish he had more confidence in himself to make even the smallest decision. Sure it won’t be the way that I do it — that doesn’t mean it is wrong.
I think often husbands see their wives and think “wow, look how much they do and how well they do it” and perhaps lack confidence they can do it so well. When they get in the groove and realize it doesn’t have to be perfect, they feel better! That’s so nice of him to let you get out too, by the way :)
I’ve always felt like it was an equal thing. He can just say hey I’m going, so why can’t I? He can watch them and feed them. I know the house will be a disaster and nothing will have gotten done but he will have spent time with the kids and I will have gotten some much needed me time so it is so worth it! (Even when the carpet is covered in paint…..maybe;) I’m good at guilt free, but have to be prepared to clean up messes!
Too right, Sharla!
Don’t forget to willingly give your husband his time alone too! Sure staying home all day with a house full of kids can be challenging and tiring, but so can getting up early, riding in traffic and working all day out of the house!
I might be one of the crazy ones, but my time alone isn’t very fun unless someone is with me (being the youngest of 10 kids probably did that to me :) so I usually take one of my children with me. On the other hand, my husband needs his time alone and it’s fun to see how much he’s enjoyed his hunting or fishing and how he is refreshed!
Chipi, are you an extrovert? Maybe your way to refresh is being out and about with others! I suppose as long as you feel a little break from time to time that’s what matters. And you’re too right about giving your husband a break too!
In my experience Fathers need to be needed. If we shut them out and don’t allow them to be involved in our kids lives then they won’t (and we complain about that)! There is no need to feel guilty about needing an hour or two or a few days away. Our children’s father is more than capable of handling and taking care of the kids…. We, the mothers, need to acknowledge that in our brain. This world has bashed men/fathers way too long as dead beats and stupid, yet they are kind, gentle (maybe a little rough in our eyes), loving fathers! My daughter just shared how her dad would crank up the heat in the car after hockey so she wouldn’t get cold! It really made me smile at how caring her father is!
Very true, Teresa. If we shut them out and don’t let them help we surely can’t resent them for it!
Il husbando gets 20 minutes to himself when he gets home from work every day. After that, he’s in charge of her until bedtime. In fact, he puts her to bed every night– I’m not there most nights (dance classes). I told him when she was born that if he ever said he was “babysitting” our daughter, he was going to get smacked. This past weekend, I packed her a bag at 10:30am (right when we got up) and they left for the day. I got a whole day to myself for the first time since before we were married. I took a nap, i contemplated getting my nails done but it was a sunday and my choice salon was closed, i organized my closet, pulled out my embroidery machine, did alterations to a dance costume. They had lots of fun.
Sounds like a great day!!! Kids love spending alone time with their dads, particularly if it’s not an everyday all day thing. On a side note, I’d love an embroidery machine :)
When men get a say on a woman’s choice for an abortion, then we will share the load. It is driven into men that we aren’t capable of being as loving and as nurturing as a mother or that we are just sperm donors. Why would we want to help?
All women don’t feel this way about men, Tim. And you know, all fathers might not be as tender and or gentle as mothers, but sometimes it’s the things men have that women don’t that children need!
Tim, I fully support men having a say before a woman has an abortion. I fully support the father having a right to say no. It is the woman’s body, but the being living inside the woman is half of the father, and they should have a say. Also, my husband is my kid’s dad, and he is a damn good one at that! My daughter who is not even a year crawls around the house all day calling for dad. My husband is good to me, and I will have a million more children with him if he wants. He is not near as gentle as I am, but his way of doing things is so amazing! He is so much fun as I am so organized that it even drives me crazy! I am sorry you have experienced this in your life. Men deserved to be treated as men. I hate that there has been such a breakdown between men and women. Women deserved to be treated as princesses, and men deserved to be treated as heroes. Not always practical because we are human and fail, but wouldn’t it be nice if we all tried a little harder to see it that way! We would get so much more love and respect.
Not really about the way you portray the husband in this.
Your comment right at the start is designed to elicit an emotional response from your husband, aka emotional blackmail.
“I’m feeling the need for some alone time. Do you think it’s okay, if you are up to it, if I go out for an hour or two and have a break?”
If you are in a relationship where you need to almost beg to do that it’s not a good relationship to start with is it?
Transactional Analysis Mode – Adapted Child I’d say. What you should of said was..
“I need some free time so I’m going out. You’re looking after the kids for a couple of hours. That ok?”
That starts an Adult – Adult conversation which is infinitely more preferable.
“Oh, thank you thank you thank you, I won’t tarry. Again, am so so thankful.”
What??!!!! You are almost on the floor on your knees in thanking him. What kind of relationship are you in here?!!!
Transactional Analysis Mode – Adapted Child i’d say. What you should of said was..
“Thanks – see you in a few hours.” Again Adult to Adult.
“…in my mind – I acted as though my husband was doing me a favor by watching the kids. Before I asked him, while I was away, and immediately upon returning home I felt I was getting away with something. And that’s stupid. Why?”
Don’t you trust your husband to look after the kids without worrying whats going on? What kind of guy did you marry, why are you still with him and more importantly have you raised your concerns with local authorities or social services?!
I totally get your point about the father / husband being as equally responsible for the care, welfare and upbringing of the children yo both decided to have (you did both decide to have kids didn’t you…?) but your article seems to make out that the father / husband is the one at fault here when in reality it is your communication style and lack of trust that are the main issues in my opinion.
Andrew
Andrew, the beginning part was a bit of tongue in cheek sarcasm about how I’d let guilt (of not taking care of the kids myself) grovel which was why I wasn’t expecting him to do it as per normal. The whole point of the post was that grovelling means we beg… so I’m glad you got it :)
Lots of women still stay home and take care of kids these days. I know a ton, and lots of women understand the stresses their husbands have at work. Lots of women like to ask their husband questions and seek his responses or guidance. These are not things that have totally disappeared. Therefore, it is a blessing when a husband comes home from a stressful day and agrees to take the children so the mom who speaks to children all day can get away for a bit. It does encourage thankfulness; however that may be. The first part of this article is sarcasm… an imagined situation. I fully understood that. The author was strictly saying that the husband was NOT doing a favor by watching the children. I am not sure you understood the article.
Thanks, Paula. You nailed it!
No. Your beginning part set the tone and context for your blog post. As did the eye catching headline.
YOU feel guilty about father / husband looking after the kids so YOU feel the need to communicate in a way that is designed to ease YOUR emotional needs.
If you want father / husband to look after the kids – just ask. YOUR guilt is just that – YOURS. No one can make you feel guilty except yourself. Don’t try and blame the father / husband for it and don’t use headlines such as…
“WHY YOUR HUSBAND ISN’T DOING YOU A FAVOR BY WATCHING THE KIDS”
… to gain a wider audience. Its not good for what you are trying to do and just makes you look like you are moaning.
In a loving joint relationship where both partners work they both have to look after the kids – it’s not solely a “women’s” role any more and I don’t think has been like that for a few years now. That concept just seems to be continually propagated by female orientated media.
In a loving joint relationship where one partner works then yes, the other partner is doing something good to help out when they take the kids. Use of the word “favour” in the sense you use it again illicit’s an emotional response with regards to being in a loving relationship. You don’t “do favours” for each other as that implies an obligation that must be repaid. You do it because it’s the right thing to do and you want to do it – for your partner and for your kids.
Very disappointed you deleted / won’t post my response to you. Just goes to show eh…
There you go :)
You know what? I’m her husband and I’m totally okay with the way the husband is portrayed in this article. If you read the entire thing then you would see that the relationship between the husband and wife is full of respect and love. The wife respects the husbands responsibility as a father, his ability as an adult, and his willingness to help his wife. The husband respects the wife’s need for some time away from toddlers and is happy to express his love for her by encouraging that.
You’re getting hung up on the one thing in this article that is deliberately exaggerated for effect. (maybe that could have been made clearer.) Of course clear and open communication is vital to a healthy relationship. That scenario is clearly referred to as a negative scenario that is not desirable! But you assumed that it was normal in my marriage and that my wife is encouraging it? What?
The title is designed to communicate to as many people as possible. Many people don’t have husbands or partners that are willing to help, and will make their wife feel guilty about leaving them to take care of the children. Those that do have helpful husbands / partners will still be able to relate to the situation as it is still largely considered a wife’s responsibility to look after children in many societies, and it can feel like you are getting away with something by asking your husband to do “your job” for a while. Again, this is clearly not the situation that Rachel is recommending.
In any case, I find it offensive that you would extrapolate negative characteristics about our marriage from that clearly sarcastic scenario and assume that my wife and I communicate like a repressed teenagers. Not cool.
I don’t mean to come across as a jerk, I’m just a bit annoyed that you felt the need to imply things based on an imaginary scenario.
“Don’t you trust your husband to look after the kids without worrying whats going on? What kind of guy did you marry, why are you still with him and more importantly have you raised your concerns with local authorities or social services?!”
If that quote is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, then I’m surprised you didn’t understand the tongue-in-cheek scenario Rachel started the article with. If it’s not tongue-in-cheek then you need to stop inferring things about people on the internet when you know nothing of their relationship and characters in person.
Let’s see if Rach posts this one… ;)
Amen, Matt! :)
Hmmm I feel like a bad mother now, I’ve never felt guilty for having him watch the baby. She’s half his!
Ha definitely not a bad mother. A mother who has spared herself some mental agony ;)
I always feel like I’m leaving the kids out by going shopping alone. I love going places and sharing that with them and with our vehicle situation, they don’t get to go as many places as I wish I could take them. But I always enjoy my time out with or without them. :)
As a dad I resent this whole article. I love spending one on one time with my kids! It gives me the most joy to hang out with them without my wife. I don’t “watch” my kids but I enjoy them and raise them. Maybe the ladies in here should approach it differently and realize men are just as capable as woman in raising kids.
Sorry you resent it, Matt, my whole point was exactly your last sentence and for women to realize that but not for us to act like you are not an important aspect!
Oh Matt you are so right. My husband is very capable and he loves his kids. I don’t have any problem walking out of the front door. Ha! You’re right, moms add a lot of undo stress when they act like hubbies are incapable. To me is freeing. But I respect my husband immensely anyway – so this is is not a big deal in our house.
Yes yes yes I have been saying this to women for years they all look at like I am totally nuts. It irritates me to no end. He is their father he can take care of them. He is not you no but he is capable of taking care of them, let go a little.
yes!!!!!! fab post and totally concur! Preach it sista!!!
I find this funny, My chidren are now 7(G) and 9(B), and I do 80% of the childcare in my house and I work full time. my wife works part time and suffers from Fribromyalgia.
I’ve always laughed at the joke “dads babysitting”, Its not just a Dad Joke,,
I’ve seen it as a public perception, Many times have I been the butt of this joke.
I’ve also been seen as the “saturday dad”, and the “you can’t do it that often?”
Yet they dont see I do most of the parental duties, Hey, I’ve even been known
to take a friends babys out for an afternoon,
Great post! I have absolutely found myself feeling the way you described, and it’s so true for us as well- it’s a problem with how I am thinking about it, not how my husband views it.
Really there needs to be a mutual understanding that both parents can take turns watching the kids. Eliminate the drama, eliminate the guilt.
Very well said. Great thesis statement!
Just the post for me to read right now. This is exactly how I am feeling. Living so far from our family in the UK means there is no downtime at all for us – ever! It is so easy for us to get downtrodden and feel like we are almost asking our husbands to babysit their own kids. I love this post, Thank you
Rhian, girl, I AM FAR FROM FAMILY TOO! I feel exactly the same. It’s only us with no relief, so it used to feel like I was punishing him. I feel much better now, but still miss family ;(
You know how I feel about this! Love your take on it x
Love this post! I worked with a guy who used to say he was “babysitting” his child. Whhhaaaaat??? Who babysits their own child???
And you’re right. As mums we need to stop being so apologetic when we have time out. Fathers are just as responsible in raising children.
I could not agree more. Now I will make sure dinner is prepared (or available if it’s a soup night) because my kids will eat dried cereal and milk. LOL! But mommy needs her me time regularly or things get real bad real quick around here. This needs to be said.
Pahaha. Exactly. Mine will have buttered toast or McDonald’s. Ha :)
Whenever I used to ask my husband to watch the kids, he’s like “Why are you asking me, they’re my kids too” LOL. So now if I need to leave the house for a run or whatever, I just tell him, “I’ll be back later!” :)
I feel like you wrote this especially for me!!!!! Thanks for the reminder that he is not he babysitter. I swear every word you wrote was true to a T!
Christina so glad it was an encouragement to you!!!! Go forth and have fun :)
My views on this changed when I went from being a stay at home mom to entering a competitive doctorate program. It was only then that I embraced the understanding that it is not babysitting if it is your child. It is parenting. You do not get paid. You do not get sick leave. You do not get lunch or dinner breaks. There is no collective bargaining agreement. The job is it’s own reward and punishment. You may not resign. Feedback comes in the form of self-assessment which in frequently futile because in the face of food splattered against the walls and quarterly trips to the ED your success may still be measured in a child who has not yet perished under your care. Save your thanks for one day of the year: Mother or Father’s Day and let the rest of your time be spent just doing your job.
Amy, I have a friend who is doing her PhD and she says something similar. Loved your perspective!
I just found your blog- love your effort- I am a stay at home mom (also a long way from home) and have three boys ages 7, 6, and 4 1/2. We are originally from New England but we moved to Lahore to spend a few years with my ailing mother-in-law.
I can so very much relate to your posts and really appreciate that you’ve taken the time out to not only think about and develop theses concepts but you’ve shared them with all of us!
I am planning a trip home without the kids and I was feeling quite guilty even though I am in desperate need of this break- after reading your article I feel a little less so!
Thanks!! And looking forward to reading more!
Thank you for the kind words, Rebecca! And you enjoy that time away :)
I’m the principal caregiver, and for the past three years, I have gotten to travel to BlogHer and have felt zero guilt leaving our three children with him. My husband even managed to make apricot jam with the apricots that fell from our tree.
However, I did create a menu and buy all the groceries because cooking is really not his strength. My daughter said, “Papa, you know that pasta is cooked on the stove and not in the microwave, right?” :-) Ha!
Hahaha! Good for you for the no guilt! Every mom needs to catch on to that
I relate SO much to this post. Why do I feel guilty when I want to go out alone and I leave my husband with the kids? I guess it’s just a mother’s guilt but I need to get over it because we are a TEAM for a reason. Great read this morning!
Thanks, Katie. And you are so right, we gotta get over it!
I often cringe at the way I hear many women talk to or about their husbands when it comes to child rearing. Such talk that makes men sound like the buffoons that are portrayed on the majority of prime time sitcoms or Disney shows puts everybody back into the stone age and makes it all that much harder for everyone involved.
So tremendous thanks Rachel for putting it all out there! PEOPLE (men OR women) have the ability to do most anything they set their mind to. When there’s respect and communication it naturally behooves the whole process. And once people stray from the stereotypes or old fashioned gender roles, they realize that it’s not about favors, it’s about a true partnership..a caring team of two that do because they share the same end goal.
Thanks again Rachel for respecting the dude!
Greg Santomero
http://www.bonbonbreak.com/tag/greg-santomero/
Hi Greg! Glad to hear a male chime in and agree. I too cringe at the dumbed down dad stereotype on TV and wonder at the damage it’s actually done for everyone. Merry Christmas to you and yours :)
My husband never wanted kids. About four years back I was at the point where I would look at someone else’s child and cry because I wanted to have one of my own. He finally agreed to have child on the condition that I would do all the work. I agreed. Our son is now almost three. My husband and I both work full time but I am the primary care giver. As for what my husband does – they play together for an hour on weekdays after my husband gets back home from work and couple hours on each of the weekend days. They both really do enjoy that time together. Our son is very very fond of Daddy, because Daddy is fun! I am in charge of anything outside of home – birthday parties, going to the park, going to swim lessons, etc.. If I don’t take our son out, he doesn’t get to go out since Daddy is also very very introverted. I really don’t get much time for myself. My husband argues that he already does a lot more than we had agreed upon. When I do go out by myself, I react the same way as the opening lines of this article. He always wins the argument that this is what we agreed upon. I’m so tired!
Oh girl, that sounds so hard. I am so sorry to hear about the responsibilities you carry on your shoulders alone. I hope you have support in some other way to help give you a break!
I have a hard time doing this. I almost always have that low (or high) levels of guilt while I’m away and hurry back home NOT refreshed. There have even been a few times that I’ve hurried home and found both the boys napping!!!! And hubby says they both fell asleep shortly after I left so he’s had some alone time too!! :)
Ha! It is often our own struggle!
As a husband, parent, dad, who spends as much time as possible outside of work hours to be and interact, prepare means for, clean up after, do all the same things my wife does, I find this article a bit insulting.
Sorry you felt insulted. The post was geared towards WOMEN who have made THEMSELVES feel guilty for allowing their husbands to help. Definitely was not in any pointed towards men, but about our attitudes towards our husbands helping. Hope that clears it up a tad?
I must admit I read this the first time as an attack on dads (perhaps my guard is up as that is where these sorts of post usually go) on my second reading I see it is you talking about your own guilt and at your assumptions he was doing you a favour and not just parenting.
I’m a huge advocate of the Dads don’t babysit, we parent ethos and have myself (in past) written articles putting blame on both sides (it is easy for a dad to say they are babysitting when they are treated that way by their partners) as well as encouraging dads to break the usual dad stereotype and stop saying you babysit (not going to put links in your comments don’t worry) – these have been published on the likes of Bonbonbreak and the Huffington post – so it is nice to see someone from “the other side” also advocating it is not just the dads that need to change.
Yes, Ashley! I was totally writing from my own perspective of feeling guilty for trying to get my husband to watch them! He never minded, but I put the guilt on myself. And feel free to put links to your posts here :)
I almost didn’t read this article because of the title. It’s a little off-putting, but that’s my issue, not yours! :)
I had always wished my husband would offer to watch the kids and every time I begged and pleaded and cajoled (in my mind) him into doing it, I felt like he’d only given in because of that. Let me say, that is not the case and I can see that now. It wasn’t until he encouraged me to try yoga, and I learned the tools to help me understand myself better, that I began to see just how much he was willing to shoulder his share of the responsibility of taking care of our kids. I’m thankful for a man far wiser than I am!
Yes, that’s how I felt too. I felt “guilty” about it all but my husband was very happy to watch them. Its in so many of our minds, isn’t it?
One of my biggest annoyances as a father is, without fail, whenever I’m out with the kids by myself, be it shopping, the park or just going for a walk, someone almost always comments with something like “baby sitting duty today?” or “your such a great dad taking your kids out!” No. I am not on babysitting duty as: a. I’m not getting paid and b. THEY’RE MY KIDS! as for the latter comment, I understand it’s supposed to be a compliment, but spending time with your children doesn’t make you father of the year, It just makes you a father.
Agreed, Tim, so so true!
Tim, I wish more fathers saw it as you do. I came home to a major guilt trip yesterday for being gone for 2.5 hours. I do that once a month. I was guilted for doing that to him and for stressing out the baby.
I really love this and at the same time it saddens me that women have taken on the role of responsibility for all things house, home and family. I cringe every time I hear someone say that dad is babysitting. I want to ask what they are paying him? I was married and had 2 children, then I got divorced and spent a lot of years on my own. Literally doing everything by myself. When I met my now husband, and we got pregnant, I told myself that I wouldn’t be that woman that asks if her husband can babysit. Dads have it pretty rough out there. In most cases, they are away from the kids 60 hours a week or more, and I’m sure most of them would love the opportunity to spend some quality time with their kids. That’s what I do – give my husband opportunities to spend time with our daughter and get to know her more.
A great way to phrase it “giving them the opportunity to spend time with…” and I think many fathers would agree!
Amen Dawn! Luckily my husband and I are in this whole parenting thing together, and he is awesome about helping me around the house and with our kids.
I loved this for the most part. I too think you should not feel guilty for leaving the kids with dad. And you and dad should not think he is doing a favor by “babysitting” his own kids. With that said, you write about appreciating the gift of time he is giving you by watching the kids. This seems like a contradiction to the message. It seems like you are still thinking of it as something he does not have to do, maybe subconsciously.
Hmm, I see your point. I guess I just feel happy when ANYONE watches the kids besides me, so I was meaning more in a general way. Like, if you ask your hubby to pass the salt and he does, you can still say thank you?
YES!!!! I completely agree with this. I recently wrote something similar. But I didn’t talk about that guilt you feel when you do actually leave. I just realized that I do this, I act like he’s doing me a favor, and I always feel guilty if I take long. It’s so interesting how a lot of us feel and go through so many of the same things. Thank you for this post!
no problem, Melinda, so glad it resonated with you! It was never my husband making me feel guilty at all, but I honestly didn’t enjoy time away because of it. Ahhh, we must stop!!!
I’ve said the entire time our boys were young and now with the grandchildren. No! He’s NOT babysitting. He’s PARENTING!
I went back to college when my youngest son was in 1st grade. Worked full-time and took college classes at night. I’d get so worked up when people asked if my husband was “Babysitting” the boys. No! He’s NOT babysitting, He’s the father and he’s PARENTING!
Yes, I used to do this, too. Still do at times, but that’s because I know how my husband “watches” the kids. If I DON’T have everything laid out, and even if I do give him “instructions” (simple as “her milk cup is in the fridge. Could you put it back in the fridge when she’s done?”) nothing gets done. I have step children, so I get a double look at how he parents. He’s not a bad dad, he’s just a dad focusing on relaxing. While I run around the house making sure things are clean, food is made, and kids have everything they need, he sits and plays video games the whole time–maybe interrupted by a dirty diaper or two. So yes, if I just need to get away from the house then he’s there. But I know he mess, if not more mess, will stil be waiting for me, I will still have to make food, and I will still have to deal with naptime that got skipped because I wasn’t there. I have come home before and my daughter hasn’t had lunch hours after her lunchtime because my husband either said he didn’t know what time it was, or didn’t know what to feed her…If I need to go out for any reason, I have learned to try to schedule my outing at a time that doesn’t interfere too much with the kids’ normal daily schedule–such as, leave right after they’ve eaten, or when they are napping (at least one of them). So if your husbands pretends he’s helpless, there’s another idea.
I think you are not alone, girl, that your husband focuses on relaxing. Unfortunately this is common :(. But it seems like you’ve got a system working to give yourself some alone time and have your children taken care of as best you can.
Well said. As a stay home dad myself, I totally agree. We dads are equally responsible for our offspring as their mother is. My wife and I joke that we go to work to get a break from the kids. While not wholly true, there is a shred of truth to it. Parenting takes teamwork. Thanks for this!
A good article and I agree in most parts. At first I thought it was going to be a dig at dad’s but you balanced it well.
I have 2 boys under 5 and have a philosophy that is at odds with most dad’s. I believe I am responsible for everything and anything that gets done for me is a bonus.
I am not saying I do everything – only that I am mentally and physically ready (and proven capable) of doing it all.
We can’t look after others if we don’t look after ourselves, so I is dead time at wirk like lunch break to recharge. Once home I am all in on being dad.
The way I see it, we parents have a tough road for 12 years, but it is full of fun and smiles (as well as tears). if we do the first 12 well maybe we won’t lose them when they become teens*…
If we are going to have kids, let’s bloody well have them all in and nothing spared.
*teens come in many shapes, temperaments and sizes and all versions are rightfully fitting… Although I hope mine will be manageable
Tony, thanks for this I loved your thoughts!
Thank you for your lovely posts..
Thank you Rachel, what a privilege to have a husband who has his mind and heart right, takes up his position as head of the family, and is always willing to let me get away for a few hours if I make a prior arrangement with him. Just went ice skating with my school friend the other day, and came home to clean and well-fed 3,2 and 4 month old!
Adelle, you are so right to be thankful, ha!
Wow, this is such a good post! I love how you point out that he is called to be the leader of the home. It’s not solely the mothers responsibility to do it all. It’s important that both parents share responsibilities and take care of the family.
Let it go, enjoy yourself, and don’t worry about how it’s going at home because you’re husband is capable… all things we mama’s need to hear!
If your a guy and don’t see it this way you have some growing up to do. I get up early, just something I do, lady likes to sleep in. So I get our little girl up, change her, feed her, and entertain her till mommy’s up and had some food and coffee. Then I take care of the place and grab some me time. Then the three of us spend the evening together, eat dinner together, she puts her to bed and we do as we please together or apart.
Adult life ain’t so bad.
No it isn’t :)
I have a problem with my husband when he gets home from work he is too tired to even carry my baby I’m not sure what that means.
Sounds familiar.
I tell mine that if his job leaves him drained like that, it should either pay enough to afford childcare or he should consider getting another job. When he signed up to be a daddy, he knew that there will be additional workload.
Ha!
The title of this article is what all mothers need to hear!
What happens when you have a passive aggressive husband acts like he’s doing you a favor, and acts put out when he does finally watch the kids? And more importantly when he takes advantage of all you do and when you can’t take anymore pressure of doing EVERYTHING on your own and say, “I need a break!” and he tries to guilt trip you because you need a break and tells me that I’m “not able to take care of the kids,” because I need said break. He refuses babysitters and daycare.
How can he refuse babysitters or daycare? Can’t you hire one anyway or he won’t give you the money to do it?
If you give your child for babysitting to a family with other kids, they will have play time and it is good for their development.
Hi Rachel, thank you for the post.
I am feeling like watching the toddler became a chore that we pass to each other, it’s always a competition about who deserves to do their own thing.
Typical conversation:
“I just got home, I want to have a lone time.”
“I watched him for the whole day, it’s your turn.”
We’ve gotten very greedy about our “alone time”.
What does this mean? How can I make it easier?
New Parent
This is SO TRUE actually. I find that we do that now even with our 4th child who is 1 year old which is a tough age. I guess just getting some clear expectations down?
Hello,
They are not going to feed them the same meals we would necessarily or do the same activities. I think that can be a control issue that many mothers need to let go of too, the care your child will receive will not necessarily be worse than the care you would give if you were home just different.
Thanks
OMG I love this so so much!!! it’s so true and why feel guilty about it?? and seriously who cares if they skip a bath or two and don’t wear matching clothes?? why am I always worried about it??
I find it so sexy when my husband is super involved w the kids (he’s awesome and does all the time- he actually makes ME feel like my job is easy :0) but that was something kind of surprising in marriage/parenting, learning that it’s really sexy when dads step up and take responsibility :))
This post is soooo true. I guess it got a lot easier for me after I was away alone for the first time for a ladies weekend. (I felt so guilty because I took my Mom, Mother-in-law and sister with me…. they all used to babysit our two boys (3, 11 months then))
Funny story, he was invited like 3 meals within those 4 days…
But for me it was really a breakthrough. I trust him, that he can manage it.
And now they started to call it “men-time” so they have their “special music” they will only listen then. So the boys really look forward to it.
STELLAR post, Rachel!!! Thank you!!!! I am SO guilty of this and my husband knows it, but I am working hard on letting things go more when I need time away, so thank you for the reminder to REALLY trust him with everything and fully take the time that I need. I have to remember that my hubby is NOT the babysitter and he is FULLY capable to attend to our children!
Many times I’ve left kids with dad and i come back to them not being fed (even overnight he doesn’t get food, they have to find it themselves), they’ve been on computers all day, dishes all over the house (and they stay there till mouldy and gross) all so he can play his computer games for up to 16 hrs/ day for 11 yrs. Now the oldest 2 are adults, he complains they don’t know how to work or look after their cars. I asked, did you teach them? No, my father didn’t teach me, i worked it out for myself.
I just want to put in a good vote for my husband here, he has started helping so much and I’m really grateful for it. It took a lot of counseling, but we finally got there. Don’t give up if you’re discouraged!
I stumbled on this while searching for something. I am the husband and my wife is a workaholic and after having kids she’s left me with most of the responsibility for caring and watching them. I feel overwhelmed because I am also the breadwinner in the house and work from home… I can’t take this for much longer and am contemplating divorce. Raising kids has to be teamwork, not put it all on one person. If anything I have learn to appreciate mothers and the sacrifices they make in a whole new way. It truly is the hardest job on the planet.
Red, oh it’s VERY HARD to be doing it all on your own, mom or dad!
I have 3 children. Age 10, 3 and 2. The ladt is the boy. I have a husband who doesnt work and hasn’t almost since we have met. Im sad. I wash all hours of the night. Cook. Clean. I work 8am to 6pm sometimes more. He stays at home watches the children. Nothing educational happens at home. He yells at me n the children. Curses. Critics. But he loves me. Makes me feel huilty. I go nowhere by myself either as a family, with him or the children if not i have a man. Im tired…
I be you are absolutely worn out, mama. I know it feels awful like you are the adult raising your kids ad also having to carry the responsibility your husband should be carrying. I pray God gives you wisdom!
I’m a man who does not babysit – I PARENT, and I do it every day. I am just as responsible for my children as my wife. And that’s a good thing, since she got bored of motherhood and marriage and decided to abandon her family. It ended up being for the best, because my kids and I thrived after I kicked her and her abusive attitude to the curb. Then she was genuinely surprised that the kids chose to live with me. Funny how taking care of a child builds a tremendous bond; something she will never understand. So Dads – take care of your family and make sure you can do it yourself. And do it well. You may end up doing it all, and that’s not a bad problem to have!