We all want our children to be able to express their emotions… but at what price? Here is how you can let your child disagree without copping an attitude.
“But I don’t want to, mom…” he said.
“Son, I’ve told you 5 times and I’m about to get upset. Go to your room like I said.”
“But MOM! I can’t...”
“What do you mean you can’t???? Just go and wait for me!!!!!”
He threw his hands by his side, lowered his head, and said in an angry yet pitiful voice… “But it’s so dark in there, I’m scared.”
Oh.
Well.
That makes a difference doesn’t it?…
In this situation, my son wasn’t trying to backtalk or disobey me. He just needed me to turn on a light so he didn’t have to take the Long Walk Down the Hall and into his bedroom in pitch black.
That is a good reason to have a dialogue with me instead of just doing what I ask.
Now, let’s be honest. There are many other times when a child just wants to backtalk.
Tell you no.
Refuse your request.
Kick up a fuss in hopes of delaying the (maybe or maybe not) inevitable.
So since none of us want our children to repress and stifle their emotions, but neither do we want kids who are rude and disrespectful… we’d like to find a line to draw in the sand somewhere.
So… What’s The Difference Between Disagreeing and Backtalk?
Oh, it all comes down to your own family boundaries and what you don’t mind becoming habits. But here are some general thoughts to get your mind working on this issue.
Is there an attitude?
This is the big one for me. There is expressing an opinion and there is having a bad or disrespectful attitude. I don’t mind if my children express their opinions, but if there is a eye roll, a defiant attitude, or a Super Snippy Tone… then no. That is not okay.
You can say, “I’m not a huge fan of mushrooms,” instead of “Ewww, mushrooms are gross and I’m not going to eat them.”
Children may not intuitively understand they are saying something rude, but if you keep at the concept of good attitude/bad attitude (or what we like to call a Happy Heart) they’ll understand the boundary.
Read: Can I require a positive attitude without stifling my children’s emotions?
Is there refusal to do what you’ve asked or desire to express themselves?
At times I interpret my children’s desire to express themselves as refusal to do what I’ve asked. I want them to do what I want them to do exactly right then with no hesitation. Hesitation = disobedience.
That said, I’ve seen my error time and again when my children show they’re wanting more clarification for the task.
You’ll soon know the difference between stalling, needing more information, and backtalk. Stalling shouldn’t be rewarded, backtalk should be disciplined, and clarification can be given.
Is it repetitive, nonstop, or a delaying tactic?
I have one master staller. Actually, all my kids fine tuned their Stalling Tactics around the age of 3. They could ask just the right questions in just the right way that you felt you had to answer.
The trouble is, I don’t want my kids to feel “unheard.” I didn’t want to walk away from them mid-question.
To help avoid this, I use and love these two very effective phrases.
“I love you too much to argue.”
This is from Parenting With Love and Logic. If your child is trying to argue or wheel and deal and won’t seem to take “no” for an answer, this is a great phrase. I love you too much to argue.
Slightly sarcastic yet ultimately true. When you know there will be no arguing on a certain point, use that phrase.
“Asked and answered.”
This is another good phrase of the same vein. My 2-year-old doesn’t quite understand this yet, but the older kids do. My daughter will actually ask for something 5, 345 times in a row.
Or at least she would. I’m telling you, that girl has Persistence. Perseverance. She’s going to be a future leader. These phrases work well with her and discourage backtalk.
What’s the harm in listening?
If your child seems genuinely frustrated, not disrespectful, then take the time to listen. My 4-year-old so is often confused about instructions, scared about execution, or nervous and wants more information.
I don’t feel those are backtalk or bad attitudes, so I’m not opposed to listening.
However, once that crosses over into refusal to obey or meltdown mode, I know we’ve entered Backtalk Territory. Each child will have their own ways to backtalk you, and the key is to figure them out and not get caught in the power struggle.
Encourage polite opinion sharing… this will be a process
As with anything in parenting, it’s a process. They’ll push the envelope as far as they can until know are very clear with our boundaries. It’s one way they develop security in our home.
When your children start to backtalk – but you can see they are passionate about what they’re saying – help them to adopt a respectful tone. Teach them which words they cannot say and how they are to speak when they’re trying to disagree.
“I’m not going to do it!!!” is not the same as, “Mom, I don’t really feel like it right now.”
It may be tough luck and they have to do it anyway, but the goal is to allow our children to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and desires without backtalk.
Without copping an attitude.
Without being disrespectful.
It’s a lifelong process… one we’re all learning.
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I’ve created a free email series just for you! If you have a little one aged 1 to 8, this series will help transform your home environment. No, that is not a joke or false claim. You can let your kids express their emotions without raising back talkers who meltdown at the drop of a hat or throw a tantrum every time they are unhappy with something. After this free email series:
- your child will stop throwing tantrums for attention
- you’ll know how to validate and affirm your child’s emotions
- you’ll feel more in control of the atmosphere of your home and will be able to operate out of a place of love, not frustration
Click here to sign up for my free email series or simply click on the image below.
Rachel
New to this community? Start here, friend.
Micah says
Looking for the email series and can’t seem to locate where to click. Am I looking in the wrong place?
Rachel Norman says
If you click on the image something will pop up and you can sign up :) Sorry it was confusing!
April says
What image? Not seeing what you’re talking about.
My email:
Aprildprater@gmail.com
Rachel Norman says
Hi April, so sorry… it’s the image that says ’emotions run high in your home’at the end. Do you see it?
Marie says
I’m not finding the image either.
Rachel Norman says
I’mw orking on this right now. But in the meantime youc an click on the words ‘click here’!
Robin Parker says
I loved this article. We are struggling with our 7 year. We want to have a little guy who can share his opinion, however sometimes it comes across as being rude and disrespectful. I would love to get the whole series.
Rachel Norman says
Robin, if you click on the image at the bottom of the post or where it says ‘click here’ you can get the free series!!!! :)
Chrissy says
Hi, I am enjoying your emails! When do you say, “Asked and Answered”? Do you say it each time your child asks you the same question?
Rachel Norman says
Not always, but I’ve started using it more and more again since the older ones repeat over and over. I’d probably use it once after I’ve reiterated the point and then after that I’d just ignore the request.
Tina Edwards says
When I started to use “asked and answered”, I fully explained to my son how it works, that whenever he asks me the same question that I have clearly said “no” or already answered it I will reply with “asked and answered” because he has asked and I have answered. The first few times I used it he would still ask the same question (usually in a different phrase). Now when I say it he rarely asks the same question after I have answered. It works and when I need it I still use it.
Rachel Norman says
Tina, woohoo just took a bit of time :)
Katharine says
I don’t see the click here option. I desperately need this!
Rachel Norman says
Katharine, hmm…. i you try again will it work? Or is there an image there?
Holly says
I’m not finding the image either to subscribe to the email series.
Rachel Norman says
You can click where it says ‘click here’ in bold and that should work!
Niara Boykin says
“I want them to do what I want them to do exactly right then with no hesitation”
Oh, I thought you were trying to raise a kid, not a robot. Nobody is ever going to do exactly what you want them to do exactly when you want them to do it all the time. And if they do, they shouldn’t be expected to always have a Happy Heart about it.
Amy G says
You took a quote out of context.
“At times I interpret my children’s desire to express themselves as refusal to do what I’ve asked. I want them to do what I want them to do exactly right then with no hesitation. Hesitation = disobedience. That said, I’ve seen my error time and again when my children show they’re wanting more clarification for the task.”
Rachel is clearly saying that at times she wants the kids would always do as they are they told right away without hesitation but that she has seen over and over that this attitude is wrong and unrealistic. I agree with you that it the paragraph could probably be worded just a bit better.
As for the Happy Heart stuff, I interpreted it as the fact that kids can be honest with their feelings, but at the same time, be striving to be a cheerful giver. See https://amotherfarfromhome.com/your-kids-dont-need-you-to-make-them-feel-better/ . A person with a happy heart isn’t always feeling “happy,” but he has the right attitude.
Rachel Norman says
Amy thanks so much for this! I may need to go back in and re word for clarity!
Genevieve says
We’ve come up with the phrase “Can we discuss?” to give our boys a chance to disagree with us respectfully. 99% of the time we can say yes, they can have their say, and we can have a chance to see their perspective (and possibly change ours) without it seeming like we’re giving in to arguing. It’s worked so well!
Rachel Norman says
Oh what a great phrase!