It’s great to promote uniqueness, first kids need to feel acceptance. It’s important to help your child socialize so they can get the security from that.
One summer in college I studied abroad, and there was a girl on the trip with us named Ariel. Actually, come to find out, her name was something a bit more average . When she went away to college she decided to change her name to Ariel because her real name was plain. And because people told her she looked like Ariel from the Little Mermaid. And she did. Except even prettier.
Ariel was weird. She was very smart, very odd, and fascinating. But she was troubled. She would not spend any money – no money at all – on food. So she would only eat what was given to her, what she saved, or what she could find in trash cans. Oh, and what she could “barter” with delivery people. She was also a vegan. Unless eggs were on the continental breakfast, and then she’d save some in a napkin for later.
Her parents were both professors at a prestigious university and, Ariel told me, they refused to let her cut her hair until she was at least a teenager. Her hair went to her knees or below for most of her life. And she wasn’t allowed to cut it.
Ariel had big issues. And I’m going to tell you, so does every other child who is “weird” and doesn’t fit in. And do you know why? Because acceptance and belonging are basic human needs. If a person doesn’t find acceptance within their family and peers they will begin to exhibit symptoms of rejection. And there is a word and a phrase for people who exhibit symptoms of rejection.
The word is weird and the phrase is, “they’ve got issues.“
Because there’s a difference in someone who is unique yet fits in, and someone who doesn’t fit in then becomes bizarre for attention.
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“We are evolutionarily designed to be group mammals. Mammals need to fit in or they get ostracized and left for dead. Anyone who has been through junior high knows this is not just applicable to meerkats.” (source)
I’m not saying you need to encourage your children to be like the world. I’m saying it’s important our kids find others like them in their world. We should never try to make our kids be someone they’re not. Ever! We can, however, help show our kids how to find a place they naturally belong and thrive there.
It is from a place of belonging that someone can flourish as a unique individual.
What's in this post...
1. Help them find and accept their group
You can’t change your children’s natural personality and temperaments. Maybe they are truly different than most other kids. And, honestly, that will be a good thing eventually. But even someone who is different and embraces that fact needs to belong somewhere. And not just at home. What happens at home determines how solid their foundation is upon which the rest of their life is built.
If they’re having trouble making friends at school, help the find a club, sport, activity or other group where they can meet like-minded kids. It’s okay if they don’t easily get along with others, but we shouldn’t leave them that way. We can help them with their social skills and let them seek out others with whom they naturally mesh.
2. Help them develop a positive self-image
Children need to hear they are loved and accepted for the way God made them. Musical, artistic, nerdy, brawny, etc. You brought them into your family and you love them. Help draw out your children’s positive attributes and qualities and call attention to them. Without giving empty compliments, praise your children for their good character and celebrate their successes.
The goal is not to make your child fit into a mold, but to help them be comfortable with who they already are. Those who are comfortable in their own skin find it a lot easier to make friends. You love your child, but you want others to love them too.
3. Make a change when necessary
We will all, at some point or other, experience rejection. As sure as we live and breathe. Some rejection here or there isn’t a death sentence, nor will it mean your child is a serial loner. But sometimes you must step in. I changed schools in 3rd grade to go where my mom taught. In the 5th grade everyone decided they weren’t going to be my friend anymore. I constantly asked the teacher if I could stay in from recess (since that was a torturous time) and she let me. That ended up making it worse because I was now the “teacher’s pet.”
By the end of the 5th grade things had leveled out, but I was so over those girls so my mother and I decided I’d go back to my old school for 6th grade with the friends I’d started Kindergarten with. I might have been a head taller than everyone, had glasses, braces, and bad skin, but there I had friends. Mom listened to me, let me cry about it, and ultimately made a physical change to our situation to help me “fit in.”
4. Make them feel accepted at home
I suppose I should have put this as #1 instead of 4. Your children must know they are accepted and loved by you. They must feel loved and accepted by you. And if that’s the case, more often than not, they’ll have a positive self-image. And kids who feel good about themselves don’t have to try to be different just to get noticed. Kids with positive self-images are comfortable with themselves and easy to like. Even if they are “weird” or “different.”
5. Help them accept others
I’ve often befriended people others thought were weird. My close friends were popular enough and I never worried about who I’d sit with at lunch or what I’d do on the weekends. From that place I was able to be friends with people that others wouldn’t. Why? Because I felt accepted for me and so was free to break out of the mold.
If you teach your children to be kind to those on the outskirts, and to make others feel welcome, they’ll never get lonely. There are always others who remain on the sidelines. Whether because they’re shy, they’ve been rejected one too many times, or it’s simply the luck of the draw. Teaching your children compassion and kindness will never go amiss.
6. Pray
Some situations in life call for a lot of prayer. In fact, in some situations, there’s nothing you can do but pray. Whether there’s bullying at school, rejection at church, or your child is a unique soul who genuinely struggles to make friends, you can always pray. If there is no other school, no other church, and your child is painfully shy, you can pray.
You can pray for healthy friends for your children. You can pray for wisdom on how to help your children cope with their situation. You can pray your child would feel acceptance and belonging even though they are clearly one in a million.
Help them be them
It’s not about having a “normal” kid.
What’s normal anyway? Some of the best people I know would be considered”weird.” The goal is not to encourage our kids to conform to some societal norm.
It’s to help our kids – our unique special kids – find a place they belong.
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This is so timely for me. Just last week, we had our preschooler’s first ever parent/teacher conference, in which the teacher we met with told us that our son has difficultly playing with other kids. I cried while I was there {well, teared up, really} and then cried after I got home for much of the day. First of all, the way we were told was framed so negatively, I thought. So that did not help the situation. But then, just to hear the opposite of what you would like to hear is so tough. The whole reason we put him in preschool this early {he had just turned 3 when it started} is because we were worried about his social tendencies and knew he did not have many social opportunities outside of preschool. His cousins on my husband’s side had moved away right about the time he could have benefited from having them in his life for social skill development. His cousins on my side are all so much older than my son. He is an only child, and what’s worse, he had to watch, from age 1.5 to 3.5, his mom and dad go through something no child should have to watch {and go through himself}… the loss of his baby sister. The whole reason we decided to have a second was for his sake… so he would have a built-in buddy and companion at home. We sort of built that idea up in his head, and I think it created some confusion and maybe even attachment fears when we lost her. Maybe not… maybe he’s too young for that. But we do know that it affected him, and at the very least, he had to watch parents who were grieving and struggled to be our normal selves when it came to being social. Even when we felt social and craved social interaction with others, there was a period where most people we knew steered clear of us because the subject of baby loss was just too uncomfortable for them. For much of those two years during the pregnancy {most of which we knew we would lose our daughter} and the year after we lost her {six hours after she was born}, we were holed up at home grieving and trying to make it through. I often felt concerned for how it would affect our son’s social skills. Like I said, this is why we put him in preschool. Well, all that to say, I left the conference feeling somewhat disheartened… even angry. I thought “so what if he’s shy and different and doesn’t fit in.” But deep down, I wanted to hear that wasn’t true. I will say, our son tends to be drawn to kids that are older than he is. I think this is because he often sees his older cousins and likes them so much, and also, because he talks so well, so he can understand them better and vice versa. So, he will tend to hang out more with my friends’ or the neighbors’ kids who are a little older than he will with the ones who are his age. Anyway, reading this, obviously, is timely for me… and helpful. It helps me to know what to encourage and foster for him… and why. Thanks for this.
Oh Georgia I cried reading your story just now. What a sad ordeal your family has gone through recently, my heart and heartfelt prayers go out to you as you grieve and navigate this loss. I know it was hard to hear that from his preschool teacher, but I would tend to think that your poor guy is just going through some struggles of his own. Whether he fully understands or not, kids pick up on our emotions and situations. You rightfully grieved and it would have affected him! I think you made the right choice to put him somewhere where he can learn, and I think some of his own healing from the family tragedy (has he seen a counselor?) might do him a world of good!
Hello. I just wanted to say, that from my experience, in the UK, a lot of pre-schoolers don’t play ‘with’ other children, they play alongside them. This is developmentally normal. Your kids teacher seems a little out of order. Both my kids played alone in pre school and have friends now.
Thank you, Rachel… for your kind words and additional advice. He has not seen a counselor. I had for about a year… almost the entire year since we lost our daughter. I was there so that I would have an outlet for my grief and not let it spill over onto him at home, as I worried he would not quite understand it. In the beginning, he would often be very empathetic and ask if I was sad, and say he was sorry I was sad. It was amazing how much he picked up on things. And by that same token, I was worried he would pick up too much, so I wanted to channel my sadness elsewhere, while not completely shielding him from it, because I believed {still do} it’s okay if our kids see a range of emotions in us and learn that it’s okay to be sad and healthy to grieve. But I wanted to save my most difficult manifestations of my grief for behind closed doors with a trusted counselor. There has been a lot of laughter in our home throughout all this time, too. But sometimes I think that made it all the more confusing… like he wondered, “why the swings?” I do believe he’ll turn out okay and probably even be a more empathetic person because of it. But I really do worry about his ability to be social with other kids. He’s partly shy and partly just doesn’t trust that kids will play the right way {he’s very particular about how he sets things up when he plays}. =)
But, the good news is that the teachers now know our concerns {because we were able to share about what home life has been like for us the past two years with them}, and they are keeping an extra eye on him and giving extra effort to encourage him to play with others. And we’re doing the same here from home. When I picked my son up from preschool on Monday, the teacher told me he played with several kids. So… I think just knowing the situation and facing the reality is the key. We can’t work on what we don’t know. So, now that I know, we all know what to work on. Again, your post helped me know the importance of working on it. It was like an affirmation for me to not give up and not be too prideful to help him. If things persist, I may get him in with a counselor. We’re hoping to get back to church more regularly again, too, and I am guessing that will help with the social side of things.
Thanks again, Rachel. Love your blog.
Georgia, you are so right that kids need to see our emotions play out, particularly they need to know we’re actually attempting to handle them instead of repress them as you obviously did by going to a counselor. I went to a counselor when my parents divorced and I was very young and (though I don’t remember it) my mom said it helped tremendously. Give the little man a chance and I just pray that with you, the preschool, and time he’ll fit right in!!!
thank you, rachel.
Thank you for this post. My daughter has ADHD & has real difficulties”fitting in” and socializing with kids her age. She is often ostracized & left out & I’ve been struggling with how to help her with this. She’s dreading starting school this year because she’s afraid she won’t make any friends *again* this year. I’m looking forward to reading your emails that I just signed up for.
Debi, I have a child I fear has ADD and I think we could be in a similar boat. Bless you and your daughter as this year starts!
Hey!
I grew up with ADHD. Yes we tried medication and it didn’t really work. Yeah I never had a friend my age. I was a huge loner. I was bullied all the way from kindergarten to high school and then had a few distant and even unhealthy friendships in high school. I did have a best friend but she was never in my class. I was alone a lot. But you know that it made me a strong person. It made me a dreamer. It taught me to have God as my companion. I think one of the most important things it taught me was to be kind! I could take an emotional hit and return it with unbelievable kindness rather than hate. Sure I hated school and in some periods of my life I hated most things. With ADHD I was awkward, even without meaning to be. I enjoyed physical outdoor non-PE activities (in other words I was an amazing hiker and martial arts instructor in high school but terrible at sports taught in school). My parents were loving and accepting and it would have undermined that for them to actively encourage me to fit a mold. When I graduated. I moved to Costa Rica and made amazing friends some who lived only a ferry ride away from where I grew up. The compassion I leaned in dark times and my ADHD allowed me to work in orphanages all over the world. I made awesome friends in Asia too! The things I learned by being weird are the things I treasure most about myself and let me fit in around the world, which is where I actually want to be! Now it’s the same love and energy that make me a fantastic Mom and wife. So may be your kid is weird and no I don’t wish my past on my child, but maybe it’s a good thing to be different. I’m not trying to be critical or anything, I’m just saying you don’t have to fit in to befriend the marganizied. I started doing that in Grade One! You don’t have to have friends to be non-weird. I’ve made AWESOME friends more places on the planet than not!
Rachel, you know that I often think college is where you can find friends “like” you since it’s such a big place with tons of people. You sound like an amazingly resilient person :)
I just got done with my 2nd meeting at school in under 2 weeks for my kiddo. He’s struggling in a lot of areas but one in particular – socially. He doesn’t know how to be a friend, what a friend does, what’s ok to laugh at and what’s not, etc. I found your article on Pinterest and read through it. I loved it. So clear and helpful. There are times I think I must DO and yet I think the Lord is prompting me to just BE. Pray. Be. Such a struggle right now. Thank you for your thoughts. I was able to sign up for your weekly emails and I look forward to reading them. I can use all the help I can get!
Carrie, I am with you on social school struggles. They are so hard and our hearts are so torn… good for you for listening to God’s promptings!
Hi Rachel. I would love to receive your free email series on this subject….i know its been a while since you posted this,but it could really help…it is exactly where we are now. Thank you SO MUCH for tackling this subject!!
Hi Lee, if you scroll to the bottom of the post can you click on the image or the part that says ‘click here”‘?
Thanks for talking about the importance of kids fitting in somewhere. There’s so much emphasis on being unique and a “snowflake,” and I think it can actually make a kid feel isolated. My boy had an opportunity to attend a gifted kindergarten class that drew kids from a large geographical area. I opted for our local school. Among other reasons, I want him to have friends who live near him, go to the same church and go to the same local events and after school activities. I think it will help him and our family feel part of a community. He starts in September….hope it works out!
Jess, do you know I’d have probably done the same thing. I often think we CAN be unique and different but we usually need that acceptance and belonging which brings security and from that place of acceptance do we then feel free to be unique.