What's in this post...
If you are having trouble finding time alone each day as a mom, here are my tips. I’ve had 5 kids in 5 years so I understand your struggle. Also, here’s some encouragement for the emotionally exhausted mom.
“Everyone just leave me alone for a few minutes,” I said.
“But, mama…” her sweet voice said in tears…“you don’t want to be alone because you’ll be sad.”
“No darling,” I said gently, “I promise I will not be sad even a little bit.”
Sweet thing. True story.
Young kids just don’t get the need to be alone.
Even though it benefits them, they can’t articulate its importance. We mothers, on the other hand, we do.
Finding Time Alone As A Mom
There are times and seasons when we may find ourselves without the outlet of babysitters or family support. If you’ve just moved somewhere, are far from family, or have little money to put towards babysitters, then you need to work out a good strategy to wind down, process and get refreshed.
Part of the blessings and joys that come from a good schedule is the basic strategy of routine and order. You are able to prioritize your day based on the needs of your family.
By doing so you can find ways to get small breathers that help you to keep moving.
Do you forget to sleep, bathe, eat, relax, etc.? NO MORE. This tracker will help you consistently live within your limits so you have more love to give to your family.
Read: 5 Things Emotionally Exhausted Mothers Need to Remember
Schedule it in
Things like nap time, independent play time, and structured playtime between siblings are great for two reasons. One, they benefit the kids. Two, they benefit you.
It may be good idea to schedule in some Quiet/Rest Time as well.
Since I work from home I absolutely rise and fall with my schedule. Every morning and afternoon there is some allotted time in which I am alone. Whether it’s outdoor play in our holding pen fenced in play area or room time, I need time of peace and quiet.
I lay on the bed and read a book, take a nap or plan out something hobby or project related. I almost never do chores, wash dishes, clothes or do housework during this time.
For one thing I like to keep the house quiet, but for another I just decided I wouldn’t. A woman needs a little peace and quiet every now again. Particularly when she’s an only child who is from the country {ahem} and, therefore, used to silence.
Read: The Stay At Home Mom Schedule That’ll Keep You Sane
Learn how to lock doors
And I’m not talking about closet doors with your children inside. Sometimes when I need a few minutes I tell my husband that I’m going into the bedroom and lock the door.
Neglecting your own physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional needs for so long―in an effort to be a selfless mother―leaves you depleted. Being well blesses your family! Learn WIN WIN strategies in my upcoming book!
Learn MoreLocking the door is key.
If not, I will have barely positioned myself prostrate on the bed when the door opens and I hear “mommy, get up, mommy!” That, my friends, is not an environment conducive to relaxing.
Sometimes I’ll take a bath or long shower or go into the barn to work out and, while my husband or mother’s helper is on duty, I’ll lock the door. It may seem weird, but it has momentarily restored sanity for me many a time.
Sometimes even 15 uninterrupted minutes is the difference between a mother with no patience and a mother with enough patience to be sweet until bedtime. Or, even if I need to bring the babies along, at least I’m getting to do something for me.
Read: Quiet time (Rest time) for Toddlers: All You Need to Know
If you need some time alone to reset, know that setting boundaries around that is important.
Your children can wait a few minutes, particularly if they are younger and being taken care of by someone else.
This workbook will help you break the escape that comes with grabbing your phone. Use this to start living in the present.
Learn MoreDon’t throw the time you have into the black hole
By black hole I mean things that may lead you to say “I just sat down and three hours have gone by for nothing.” These things will vary according to the person. Since I do a lot of work online, anything “screen” is typically a waste of time for me.
Completely non-relaxing. TV, Facebook, or Netflix may help me escape but, when I’m finished, I don’t feel refreshed.
For some those things may be exactly how you refresh. We’re all different. I try to make myself bake, sew, paint something, or read a book that actually has pages I am turning in my hand.
These things help me to feel like I had some of my own personal time. Know what your ‘black hole’ behaviors are and do your best to completely avoid them during your precious free moments.
Read: My “Daily Escape” to a Quiet Place & Why It’s Necessary
Help prepare your kids for life, one skill at a time. Simple, easy skills every month!
Learn MoreFind outside help
There are many other ways to get some time to yourself. Whether you hire a mother’s helper (this much more feasible than you think), a family member, a neighbor, your spouse, or you simply schedule it into your everyday life.
However you do it, make it a priority.
It isn’t the one hour here that gets you down. It’s the one hour here, one hour there, 50 hours later when you are on the verge of meltdown… Working some time to focus on you will make all the difference.
She might chase the 1 year old or empty the dishwasher or read to the kids or do awesome fun games with them. I might work, feed the baby, shower, read a book, or put away the laundry. Point is, I use that time to feel space and it’s worth every penny.
If we never get time alone we lose ourselves.
If we lose ourselves we stuff our emotions.
And, if we stuff our emotions we explode on everyone around us.
It is not easy, but it is simple.
- pinpoint an issue
- draw out how it’s affecting you
- label what you don’t like about it
- determine areas of responsibility
- figure out how it’s showing up
- say what you’d rather happen
- brainstorm solutions
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Great tips! I totally agree with the “black hole” thought. Hours can just fly by on Pinterest or Facebook.
Totally agree, an hour goes by like three minutes!!
I like the black hole thought too. Sometimes I’ve sat a timer when I’ve sat down at the computer, just to help me to focus on the things that need doing and not to waste hours on nothing. I also work from home and also try to use some of naptime/independent play times to work. When do you find time do your chores though?
A timer is a great idea! I try to do that too, give myself a limit. Chores are relatively new to me since my kids have been so young I’ve just done them in my ‘free time.’ I’ve recently started to do it differently, though. I’d try to do chores throughout the day (mine are just 2.5 and under so they aren’t ‘terribly’ helpful) but I try to do all dishes before they get down from the table. As in, I let them linger at the table a while and I quickly do them. Recently when I was in my first trimester we hired a cleaner because I was having a hard time keeping everything under control and the house being dirty caused stress. Normally, though, I’ve just cleaned things as we’ve seen them throughout the day. I think soon I am going to put into practice a better chore schedule since my 2 year old is actually helpful! How do you do chores, I’d love to hear it??!!!!!
We have a morning routine that we all do chores straight after breakfast. My 4yo unloads the dishwasher, my other 4yo sorts the laundry into family piles and places it in the appropriate bedroom and the 3yo puts wet washing into the dryer while I clean kitchen counter tops and then re load the dishwasher and washing machine with dirty things. When they were little it took a long time to teach them these skills but now they’ve got them down it means in 30 mins in the morning we have a clean kitchen and a load of laundry done. They then get dressed, put away their clothes and make their beds while I do a sweep of downstairs and pick one job like steam cleaning kitchen floor or hoovering through. Then I let the other stuff build up a bit and around every 3 days they’ll get a choice to have a job or play upstairs while I clean and tidy for 2 hours; I can get the whole house done in this child free time / with them helping with simple jobs like dusting or wiping down the table.
There are seasons where it’s really hard, but I would say kids are capable of more than we think, and if we teach them obedience then they will pay their part well and everyone is happier :)
Beth, this sounds amazing. I’ working on getting ore ‘daily routines’ down with cleaning as opposed to ‘stop what we’re doing, time to clean.’ I think they fight it less when it’s like that don’t they?
Good ideas. I find it difficult to find (literal and mental) space at times as my older childno longer naps which means long days, and we live in a small house so it’s tricky to find ways to carve out time for myself away from constant noise. I think I’ll have to bite the bullet and hire a babysitter!
I had to!
I try to take a nap every day when my children do. My husband can tell when he walks in the door if I’ve had my nap for the day. I am a morning person to the extreme so I try to get all my chores done before lunch and then I can take a nap guilt free.
I love that, girl. I find taking a nap so refreshing when you’ve planned for it and know you don’t have anything you “should” be doing.
Rachael, I would say finding time for yourself it’s not easy if you are full-time Stay-at-Home Mom. Sometimes I try to lock my bedroom door, but my kids knock the door until you open they even cry while standing beside the door. I make sure in a day while my children take a nap I create “me time.” I don’t attend house chores at this time. Thanks for sharing various ways for finding time for yourself they are all applicable to a busy SAHM
Oh it’s super hard, girl!
I recently had this issue. I lost it big time, and had to put … emergency measures … in place and now my partner understands that when I leave the house for 30 min, I need it!
I so wish for this! but I can’t see how to make it work. I can’t seem to leave my 4yo and 2 yo alone for 2 minutes before they are hitting/biting/kicking etc. If they’re not doing that then they are getting into something or wrecking something and it it so frustrating. I can’t even put my baby for a nap because I have to leave the room to deal with the other kids before he gets a chance to fall asleep. It happens so often that I find I am monster mom! The only thing that keeps them out of trouble is TV time and I really don’t like that I have to use that. But also it has helped me be able to make dinner so I accept it . ? I’ve read so many articles from so many sites and nothing has worked. Feeling pretty discouraged and emotionally drained…?
Sarah, why don’t you put them into their OWN rooms so they won’t end up fighting? Or if they share, put one into one room and one into another room in the house, like yours!
Hi, they share a room (baby is in our room) I have tried putting one in their room but it doesn’t take long until they go looking for the other.
Ha! If one leaves the room and you put them right back (even if you do this 10x in 10 minutes) do you think they’d eventually get the point?
This was so validating. Thank you! Sometimes, as a mother, we need to hear these exhortations to honor thyself from someone else. I recently had to do a check of my emotions for the very reasons you mention above. I ignored my needs in the name of being a good mother but ultimately to my children’s detriment. Thank goodness a fresh start comes with each new day.
You made me cry…really you did! I’m 50 years old, married for 30 years and have a 2 year old! I struggle! Guilt is my company all day and night! For 28 years I was able to start a task and finish it. For over two years I can only look at the chores that need doing and wish I could do some of them…clean windows, wash out my cupboards and garden (my passion). Am I allowed time to myself? Would I be a bad mum? I love the idea of a mother’s helper but I’ve never heard of this, not here in the UK anyway. I keep trying to think of an excuse as to why I should need my own time…i just know I need some to be human again.
I feel you Dotty, there was a time when i was in the same situation. I was a working mom who just had my 2nd baby at the age of 39 and it become very hard for me to keep track of time and manage my routine chores with ease. I dont want to rely on a nanny to groom my children so i quit my job and start my own online business to earn while keeping an eye on my kids and household work. Life is not easy when you have the responsibility of these tiny souls on your shoulders but that makes us mothers what we are MoMs.
How do you find a mothers helper? I’ve tried on various websites, but can only find “professional” Babysitters (like a career) not like a young lady with a few hours of free time looking to make a little spending money… I also tried the app “bambino” but it isn’t popular enough in my area yet. Any tips?
I called the local high school and asked the principal for a recommendation of someone. My mommy’s helper does not have a car, so I do drive to pick her up and bring her home. We listen to music in the car and surprisingly she knows many of the 80s hits I like because her mom likes that music. She has saved me sanity in quarantine and she is in my “pod” now.
Excellent post! You took the words right out of my mouth! Scrolling my phone may feel like an escape, but it doesn’t refresh me! You have to be SO purposeful with the little free time you get as a stay-at-home momma! I wrote a bit about my own tricks for finding time for myself at https://debtakesherlifeback.com/find-time-for-yourself/ if you’re interested! :)
Totally agree we have to be so purposeful, thanks for sharing the link :)
Rachel, I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog. It has been such a blessing for me and my family!! God bless you! It’s nice to have another mom understand and give real practical tips that work!
Jill, what lovely encouragement, thank you so much :)
This is all soo true. All my feelings in your words☺️
Ha, yes!
I am going to write your really helpful words and stick them somewhere prominent in my home.
‘If we never get time alone we lose ourselves.
If we lose ourselves we stuff our emotions.
If we stuff our emotions we explode on everyone around us.’
Lockdown has made being at home with the family that much more intense and I definitely relate to disappearing down black holes in my spare time and not feeling like I have recharged.
I feel like a faulty car juddering along, never stopping to make repairs because there is always somewhere to go but it’s not a good place to be.
Thankyou for your wise words.
Jenny x
You are so not alone, Jenny, and I believe that we all seem to get into this cycle. From a fellow emotion repressor, ha!
Nothing like months-on-end of lockdown with a 4 and a 6 year old to drive me to the brink. Last summer we actually built a bunkie (a two story, 10×10 tiny house) for the backyard. It is my zen space. I kited it out mid century style (a major depart from my 140 year old house), so that when I go out there, I feel like I’m escaping. I’m not kidding – 20 minutes in there makes me feel like a new woman.
Thank you for the helpful tips. Happy I discovered your blog.
Scheduling has helped a lot at times with other things but the one thing I cannot seem to secure is time for me. And I struggle with that part of finding outside help. My husband and I are expatriates in a foreign country and while he may be okay with living our kids with some people I am still reluctant at times. There is a couple whom we trust with the kids but they are not always available when we want them to be.
Such a grt person you are! Thanks for putting down all this ideas for struggling mom’s!
Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve been struggling with losing my patience and temper quite easily lately—although some of that might have to do with pregnancy hormones—but realizing the need to have some scheduled alone time during the day has lifted my spirits considerably! A very inspiring and helpful article, thank you!