Love hearing about parenting mindsets from other cultures? You’ll love this, written by a Dutch mama.
Being a mom is hard work.
As parents, we are so busy taking care of our children, getting food on the table and managing the household, we may feel guilty about the lack of time we have to play with our children.
But is this guilt justified? You may be surprised about the Dutch philosophy on this matter.
Most Dutch mothers have a very minimalistic approach when it comes to playing with their children. They believe that children need to play by themselves as much as possible without them interfering (unrestricted free play).
Moms will play the occasional board game, read books and help with difficult puzzles when needed.
What's in this post...
And that’s about it.
No weekly trips to indoor playgrounds and no arranged playgroups with set activities. Just plenty of time for children to play (and be bored).
The Dutch mom feels that free play is very important for her children, which is supported by scientific research.
Why free play is important
Many studies have shown that playing is crucial for learning and processing daily experiences for children.
Dr. John Medina, a developmental molecular biologist and bestselling author describes six specific advantages of free play for the development of young children in his book “Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five.’’
These proven advantages are1;
- Children are more creative; they can come up with more creative ‘out of the box’ ways to use objects.
- The language skills of children increase through unrestricted play.
- They develop better problem solving skills.
- Children who play more frequently are less stressed.
- Their memory is being trained.
- Toddlers learn better social skills when being exposed to play-oriented environments opposed to instruction-oriented environments.
Of course, the quality of play plays a big part in these big advantages that can be harvested. So how do Dutch moms let their kids play?
Making room for unrestricted play
Playing alone is something every toddler and preschooler can learn. Dutch moms let their children grow accustomed to playing alone or with their siblings from an early age on. As the kids grow up, their way of playing will become more independent and they will need less support from an adult.
It is important to provide toys for your children that are suitable for open ended play. Dutch moms buy their young kids toys from brands like Lego Duplo, Playmobile 1-2-3 and wooden toys from brands like HABA.
Dolls, dress-up clothes and play kitchens are also very popular. Almost every Dutch household with young children I have visited has the Ikea play kitchen or some alternative for example.
Television is limited for children in most Dutch households as well. When your child watches television, it has less time to benefit from playing. This goes for a turned-on TV in the background as well[3]. Many Dutch moms restrict the use of the TV to the time it takes to make dinner or a set hour a day.
Keeping the schedule open
In these busy times, children have less and less time to enjoy free play. That’s one of the reasons many Dutch moms limit afterschool activities for older children and don’t participate in toddler playgroups and clubs.
They feel that children need at least a couple of hours to play freely every day.
The other reason for limiting organized activities is that Dutch moms don’t want to be a taxi driver all the time and like to stay flexible.
Playdates are planned at school by kids themselves. They choose who they want to play with and where. Of course, they need the approval of their parents but parents try not to meddle too much in their children’s personal lives.
And on these playdates, the kids play by themselves, no entertainment needed. So, there is more time for unrestricted play.
Get my cheat sheets and find your family’s groove. Chore, independent play, meal, nap, bedtime, and MORE routine ideas!
Dutch moms let their kids play outside alone
Playing outside is a big part of a typical Dutch upbringing. Older kids (±7 and older) can go play outside on the streets without parental supervision.
Toddlers and preschoolers can play outside in the backyard and are not watched every minute (most Dutch backyards are safe for children and completely fenced). Kids learn to ride a bike, play in the rain or snow and make sandcastles in the nearest sandpit.
They play hide and seek with neighborhood friends and chalk up whole sidewalks.
It’s better for their physical health and mental health than staying inside all day. Sandpits and playing in the grass is a fuss free way of sensory play.
Riding a bike, going from a slide and playing on monkey bars is a way to develop gross motor skills. And interacting with neighborhood children is a great way of socializing.
Of course, a safe neighborhood is a prerequisite for letting your child playing outside without supervision and most Dutch parents are lucky enough to live in one.
So basically…
Obviously, quality time spent with your children is important. But, you don’t have to entertain your kids all day long. Providing the conditions for quality free play is more important than losing your mind playing with your kid’s bob the builder set for the 100th time.
Dutch moms choose to be very minimalist when it comes to entertaining their children.
They create the best possible conditions for free play by giving their children open ended toys and a lot of free time to play. TV time is limited and the children are encouraged to play outside as much as possible.
This approach to child’s play gives Dutch children all the proven benefits unrestricted play has to offer.
Part 1: Why Dutch Parents Don’t Push Their Kids In School
Part 2: Why Dutch Parents Don’t Entertain Their Kids (you are here)
Part 3: Three Dutch Parenting Pillars That Make Sane Parents and Happy Children
Kittie Ansems is a Dutch mom, a former child care professional and a parenting book fanatic.
I really think that free play is important however, we also need to play with our kids so we can guide, teach and make them feel we can be their buddies as well not just their parents.
Did you actually read the article? She said dutch mummys do play with there kiddos but not every second like we are expected to do in england! I cant get a thing done at home as my kids somehow think i must play with them all tbe time. I dont get that. They have toys and each other ! I enterrained myself or played with my sisters in.the 1980s and we had a fraction of the toys my two kids have! Our mum never played with us all day. If we dared asked she say she is busy or doing her hobby. We didnt dare trash the house or have a tantrum if she said no. But thats what my kids do. Must be because my mum would spank us very hard over her knee if she sniffed a bit off cheek from us.. pretty sure that made us behave…my dad was also a dab hand with his leather belt….
So you were traumatized … kids deserve respect and not to be abused in any form (physical, emotional, verbal, etc)
Agreeeed. I turned out just fine. My mother was always there for us if we needed something but we entertained our self. Nowadays kids (including my own) feel it’s our responsibility to make sure they are not “bored”. I remember being bored as a kid but I’d figure something out!
Nice article. I am British. In Britain, us mums are literally now expected to take our kids out all day everyday or do activities at home all day. It’s just so tiring and costs so much money and well how would I get housework done? We are almost bullied by health visitors to go to baby groups etc.
I tried to go to baby groups but I find them boring and it’s way too much effort to get ready and get my kids ready to go to just 30 minutes of baby club. Also,I find I don’t have stuff in common with the mums st baby group. So I take my kids to park, library, nursery and to dine out. When they’re home they play with Lego or watch tv. They have very few toys as we don’t have space and they’d just chuck the toys if there’s too much choice. One in a while I play with thrm and I read to thrm everyday. That’s more than any mum should do ….
I chose to have just two kids so i can give them the best of me and what I have. But…There’s a new sort of trend in Britain where women are having super sized family’s and we are talking 5+ kids. No one needs more than 2 kids especially as we are overpopulated and there are few jobs and houses are very costly to buy. Quality of Life will only get worse if there are even more people clogging up Britain. Some of my friends have gone down this new selfish path of having a large family and moan at me because they spend money and time entertaining More then 5 kids everyday. JThey also keep verbally forcing me to have more kids as if I am the selfish one for choosing to be sensible and have just two kids.
I could of written your post! I get what you are saying. I am so sick of it. Yeah because i have tonns off servents to do my housework and cooking when i play with my kiddos all day. Not!!!! Stuff that. My mum wont entertain my kids when she looks after them. But she wont spank them as i told her not to. Hmmm me dad has still got his leather belt that he used once on my son but never again. Long story. But to be fare they do behave way nicer with her…..lol
I am happy that there is a place where children are trusted enough to have free time for free play. Something went wrong, maybe starting in the 1980s when child kidnappings increased as did parental anxieties. It is natural to want to protect your children but somewhere along the way a distortion set in. Children were cut off from exploring the natural world around them, from having time to explore and make choices for friends and play activities.
Here in the U.S. a post WWII technique called Liberal Parenting was popular until maybe the 1980s. This was not about letting your child do whatever, wherever, irregardless of others. It was a relationship and way of parenting built on trust. A child was trusted to understand the rights and wrongs their parents taught. The child knew there were consequences for negative behaviors. The child was permitted to go out for a specified period of time, to play and choose friends and activities. Those all had to be done with a sense of respect and understanding. The child was encouraged to discuss their friends and playtime when they came home. Having that ability to navigate, decide, make choices and learn from experiences was very beneficial. It helped the child be more resilient. I am happy to read the Dutch parenting gives children such opportunities. I think nowadays it’s time to recalibrate parenting approaches.
It would be nice to let my children have the run of things outside, but have you ever had CPS called on you for no reason? It’s nerve wracking. If your neighbor doesn’t approve of your tone of voice, they can just make a call and have you harassed by CPS. If the reason they call involves your children alone in the front yard? Kiss them goodbye.
Great article! I absolutely believe in letting children play alone. But what if the toddler has a very, very active grandmother who can’t say no and is constantly interacting with the toddler?
Yes, this is tough, sometimes the grandparents do what they want :)
I wonder how Dutch Grandparents are.
Ohhh ME TOO
I’m a Dutch dad and you are making more of this than it is: Dutch people value work and income very, very highly. Independent minded, quite stubborn and not at all that good with kids. Almost everyone I know is waiting dor their kids to grow up so they can focus (and sleep) again.
A lot of us are somewhat introverted as well and the constant nagging is too much. It’s a survival mechanism.
I wouldn’t emulate us too much if you can help it. Only bits and pieces.
Interesting. Seems every culture idealizes another. As you said I think we should take bits and pieces and see what works best with our family and culture